Comments: My latest attempt to write something worth your time. It is supposed
to be a dark fic...although I don't know if I pulled it off. I wrote this while
listening to Johnny Hollow. Good music. Please enjoy. Feedback is welcomed.
He wondered what it was like to die.
Did it hurt?
Did you know you that soon you would cease to exist?
Would you do anything come back? No matter what the cost?
Toshiya snapped his head up to look at Kaoru. The guitarist was standing
only inches away from where Toshiya sat, his hands on his hips, eyes
narrowed, and a frown on his face. That usually meant that Toshiya was
"Toshiya, you have to concentrate. How do you expect to learn the song
and be ready to play it if you can't even go one practice without zoning
"I'm sorry..." Toshiya mumbled, lowering his head back down so he
wouldn't have to look into Kaoru's angry and accusing eyes.
"What was that?"
"I said I'm sorry," Toshiya repeated, this time a little louder.
Kaoru sighed and turned away, but made no move to return to his own
seat. "What is with you lately, Toshiya? You seem...distracted. Is
A small smile graced Toshiya's lips and he raised his head, his eyes
falling on Kaoru's back. "No, I'm fine. I just have been tired lately
for some reason."
Kaoru turned to face the younger man, his eyes searching his face for
some sign that Toshiya was lying to him. He found none. The tension
seeped out of Kaoru and his shoulder slumped in relief. He had honestly
thought that there was something wrong with Toshiya. But being tired
wasn't anything bad. In fact, in this band if you weren't always
complaining about being tired there would be something wrong with you,
Toshiya and Kyo proving that more often than the rest.
"Okay then. Let's start from the beginning. Toshiya, try to stay with us
this time." Kaoru commanded as he picked up his guitar and threw the
strap over his shoulder.
Toshiya smiled again and nodded, missing the curious look that Kyo was
giving him as Toshiya submersed himself into his music.
Practice ended early that day, but that wasn't a surprise to the rest of
the band. Toshiya just wasn't with it. And it got worse with every
passing day. But nobody said anything. It wasn't the first time it
happened. Toshiya would meet someone and stay out late, showing up late
and tired for the next two weeks before he got bored of his game.
Kaoru's part in it was to get mad and yell at Toshiya, even though they
both knew it would make no difference. It wasn't as if Toshiya didn't
care about the band, just the opposite in fact, He just did what he felt
he had to do.
Kaoru called for Toshiya to stay when the bassist attempted to leave
along with the rest of the band. Toshiya let out a soft sigh of protest,
but obediently returned to the room and sat down on the couch so he was
No words were spoken as they sat there. Finally Kaoru stood and sat down
next to Toshiya, who diverted his eyes to the opposite wall.
Kaoru frowned and wrapped one arm around Toshiya's shoulders pulling the
other man closer to him. "Toshiya, come to my place tonight?"
A gentle kiss was pressed against the soft skin of Toshiya's cheek, even
as the bassist was moving out of Kaoru's hold. "I'm sorry Kaoru, but I
Kaoru pouted and pulled Toshiya back, causing him to fall on Kaoru's
lap. "But why Totchi? We haven't had any time together for a week...I
Toshiya once again made an attempt to get up but only succeeded in
causing Kaoru to tighten his grip. "I'm sorry, but I can't, and I have
Toshiya strained against Kaoru's arms. When Kaoru finally let go Toshiya
tumbled to the floor. He glared at Kaoru as he picked himself up and
brushed at the small amount of floor dust that clung to his shirt. "Jerk."
"Oh I'm the jerk? What about you? What are you doing tonight that is
more important than me?" Kaoru snapped, the small amount of guilt he
felt for letting Toshiya go disappearing as quickly as it had came.
"I have to meet with someone tonight." Came Toshiya's clipped reply.
"Oh? Huh, and I was surprised? I shouldn't have been. You are always
meeting someone. I should have known. But what about me Toshiya? We do
exist. You can't keep doing this!"
"Actually, no, we don't. You said so yourself. What we are is nothing
more than sex. You said that too," Toshiya snapped.
"Well perhaps I regret saying that."
"Perhaps you should."
"Perhaps I want to be more. Couldn't we be that Toshiya? You and I? And
no one else?"
Kaoru sighed and ran his fingers though his mass of pink hair. "When
will it be yes? I don't know how long I can wait..."
"I don't know Kaoru. I honestly don't know. Besides, I don't know why
you are making such a big deal out of it. I know about that girl. I saw
her come out of your apartment building...more than once. I saw her
clothes under your bed."
"Oh come on Toshiya! Don't act like it bothers you!" Kaoru cried, his
eyes narrowing in slight anger. Toshiya had a new lover each week, there
was no way that Kaoru was going to take being yelled at for having one.
"I never said anything about it bothering me. I just don't think it is
fair that you yell at me for being with other people besides you when
you do the same thing." Toshiya informed him, not a trace of anger in
his voice as he shouldered his bass case and walked calmly out of the
room, never looking back at Kaoru, who eyes never left his retreating form.
The club was one of the many gothic underground clubs that filled the
back allies of Tokyo and was populated with the type of people that only
came out at night. A dieing neon sign was the only thing that alerted
the world of its presence. It was the only thing that reminded the world
that there were truly shadows in the night and that the things you
didn't want to meet up with alone in the dark were no further than the
small club in the small building behind your local jeweler.
The rundown outside was a lie. Inside the crumbling building were floors
covered with plush black carpet, walls that were painted with the
deepest shade of crimson made, velvet-lined booths, and more candles
than you would find in the candle store across the street. The club
boasted wealth. And indeed, only the well off would be found smoking
their expensive cigarettes are drinking the imported wine in the club.
The booth that Toshiya was sitting was one lined with velvet and
surrounded by a ledge filled with tall back candles. A half empty glass
of red wine sat on the table in front of him, but he paid more attention
to the man sitting across from him.
The man was dark. Not in look, but in feel. When you were around him,
you felt death. Toshiya hated it, just as he hated the man sitting
across from him. Yet he still came. There was something about the man
that drew Toshiya to him. It was an addiction, and like most other
addictions, Toshiya knew it could be harmful. But Toshiya was the moth,
and the man was the irresistible flame.
The man spoke. The words that Toshiya could hear seemed to wrap around
him, and yet he couldn't be certain that he saw the man's mouth was moving.
"Toshiya...come to me..." Came the soft and undeniably seductive order.
Toshiya obeyed without a second thought. He slid around the circular
booth so he was sitting only inches away from the man.
An elegant hand reached out to play with the wisps of hair that fell
around Toshiya's face before brushing them away completely.
"Say my name. Tell me that you love me."
"Because I hate you."
The man chuckled. "Do you? Say my name at least. Hearing it from your
mouth makes me enjoy my name."
Toshiya hesitated, but the piercing gaze from his partner made him
Kaoru growled and jabbed at the 'off' button on his phone. He stared at
it as the green light in the number box went out. Toshiya wasn't home.
He snarled in frustration and threw the phone away in disgust, paying no
mind to it as his hit the wooden floor with a loud crash and skidded to
a stop under the table.
The moonlight and brightness of the city provided the only light in
Kaoru's otherwise dark apartment. He had been at Yuko's, hoping to get
from her what he wanted from Toshiya. She couldn't do it though. She
lacked the spirit, beauty, and natural grace that the bassist did.
Kaoru slowly sunk down onto his couch, his unblinking eyes staring at
the glowing red lights of his digital clock, which mocked him with the
knowledge that it was 3:00am and Toshiya wasn't home. No, he was
probably still out with the latest mystery man. Kaoru hated that man,
whoever he was. Toshiya was supposed to be here, with Kaoru, not god
knows where with some guy that only wanted a lay.
Kaoru violently wiped at the tear that managed to force its way passed
the carefully made emotional defenses that he had created for himself.
Emotions always led to pain, and Kaoru didn't want to put up with that.
But Toshiya had gotten past all that without even trying. Kaoru knew he
had only himself to blame for the situation he was in. It had been him
that first approached Toshiya and began the twisted relationship they
had. It had been him who said all the hurtful things when Toshiya wanted
to know just exactly where he stood in Kaoru's life.
Kaoru didn't know when he finally drifted off to sleep, only that when
he did, his dreams were filled with Toshiya and blood.
Gackt smiled as Toshiya reached for the glass of wine he left sitting on
the other side of the table. "Why do you hate me Toshiya?" He asked
after the younger man had taken a sip of the drink and set it back down
on the table.
Toshiya glared and folded his hand in his lap, squeezing them together
as if that would make the jumbled mass of emotions that surged through
him go away. "You know why."
"Oh? Do I really? Why don't you tell me so I can be sure that we are
indeed think the same thing." Gackt purred, his voice merely a whisper
in the world, but a thousand different voices inside Toshiya's head.
The multitude of candles that surrounded their little booth flickered in
protest as Toshiya hastily reached for his glass, ignoring the strange
taste and wishing it was something stronger even as it was making its
way down his throat. The throat that Gackt watched in fascination as
"You make me do things I don't want to do...and I can't stop it. I
didn't want to come here, but you made me." Toshiya told him after he
had set the glass back down, trying sound calm. But his voice shook
slightly near the end.
"I didn't make you. I asked you to come. And you did."
"But I didn't want to." Toshiya whispered.
"So why did you?"
"I don't know..." Toshiya felt his eyes begin to water at his
helplessness. He turned away and blinked rapidly, praying that Gackt
wouldn't see him cry even as his thoughts began to fall apart.
"Why else?" Gackt's smooth voice cut through the fog that was beginning
to settle around the other man's head.
Toshiya shook his head, trying to clear it up and put his thoughts back
together. It always happened, whenever he was with the singer, things
just seemed to fall apart.
"Because...because you make me feel...like this," Toshiya managed to get
"I make you feel good?" Gackt asked. He reached over and pulled Toshiya
face to his. The bassist's eyes were glazed over.
Gackt smiled and pressed his lips gently against Toshiya's. "Are you sure?"
"Good." Gackt smiled and lowered his mouth to Toshiya's neck. A soft
kiss was placed on the skin before it was pierced by sharp teeth and the
very thing that allowed Toshiya to live was slowly sucked out.
Gackt smiled down at his unconscious lover as he stood up. Toshiya
looked like an angel, his pale skin an amazing contrast to the black
velvet that he lay sprawled out on. Reaching down, Gackt was easily able
to lift the other man. Whipping the smudge of blood left on Toshiya's
neck, Gackt walked out into the night, Toshiya cradled limply in his arms.
Toshiya groaned as he slowly faded back into consciousness. He cracked
one eye open, immediately wincing as the light that came flooding in
through the open window caused a headache to form. He clenched the
sheets in pain as he finally sat up.
He was in his own bed, he realized when he was finally able to think.
Nights spent with Gackt always left him disorientated the next morning.
Perhaps it was something in the wine. He told himself that that had to
be it since it was only when he was with Gackt did he drink red wine.
He blinked and looked over at his clock, the starched sheets crinkling
as he moved. It was eleven. He was supposed to have been at the studio
two hours ago. Sighing in frustration he threw aside the sheets and
reached for his robe. He was still tying the sash as made his way into
the kitchen and missed a step or two when he saw Kaoru sitting at his table.
"Good morning, Toshiya," Kaoru greeted as he gestured for Toshiya to sit
in the chair across from him.
Toshiya did so, but not without a moment of hesitation. It bothered him
that he couldn't tell if Kaoru was angry with him or not. Usually he
could read the guitarist like an open book. But not today.
No words were spoken for a long tense moment, in which Kaoru carefully
looked Toshiya over the best he could from where he was sitting. Besides
being extremely worn out, Toshiya look fine. Kaoru didn't know if he
should be relived or not. He honestly didn't know why he had felt so
panicked when Toshiya didn't show up for practice.
"So. Where were you last night?" Kaoru asked causally even though they
both knew it wasn't a casual matter to either one.
"Out." Toshiya replied softy.
"I kind of guessed that. You know that it isn't going to be like this
forever, Toshiya. We can't have you doing this to the band. You are
getting worse than Kyo! And we expect it from him!"
Toshiya didn't reply to that. He couldn't reply to that! He knew that
what Kaoru was saying was true. And he knew that even if Kaoru didn't
say it that there was a standing threat of being kicked out of Dir en
grey. And Toshiya loved the band.
"I won't let it happen again," Toshiya finally replied, saying it more
for Kaoru's good than his own, knowing that he probably would break the
promise he had just made..
Kaoru smiled when Toshiya said that. He always found it so hard to stay
mad at the younger man. Reaching across the table, Kaoru pulled Toshiya
face to his own. But the kiss they shared was different that morning was
different. To Kaoru, it felt as if Toshiya was drifting away.
To be continued....
Well?? Man...it feels good to be writing again ^_^
back to deg fics pg 3