mei-k(becks)-My Destiny, My Destination
My Destiny, My Destination
by Mei-k(Becks)


Chapter 15

31st July, 1999. A day never to be forgotten.

No matter how many times we had rehearsed, I still felt terribly nervous the night before. I kept having nightmares of forgetting the lyrics, falling off the stage, or even more nonsense things. I always had such dreams before concerts but I just couldn't get used to them. Especially that night.
I had a feeling that something was going to happen. Something... Unexpected.

The next day, the day of our greatest concert, Expo '99 Survival, I arrived in the early morning, about 2 hours ahead of schedule. Feeling too excited and anxious at home, I decided to go earlier.
Not much people was there yet, except some staff doing the last check-up of the equipment and preparing other stuffs.

I sat on the stage, gazing around. Soon it would be packed with people, two hundred thousand people. The thought of it was so great, even unrealistic. I almost pinched myself to check if I was dreaming, if I didn't feel that pat on my shoulder.

"Ohaiyo, you're so early."

It was him. He flashed me a smile, and settled down beside me.

"Yah... Too excited to sleep. What about you?"
"Un~ Me too. Can't sleep."

We hadn't talked privately for a long time, so long that I couldn't remember. But that was nothing special for we still had to talk about work every day.

"I dreamt that my costume got pulled off when I did my guitar solo."
"You did? I got something worse. I dreamt that I didn't zip up my pants in front of two hundred thousand people."

We were like old friends, laughing hard at each others' dreams. Under the soft morning breeze and the rising sun, I truly felt we were back to our old days, before everything happened, when we were still best friends. The time when we did the most silly things together, laughed at the most nonsense jokes. I really missed those days - truthful, innocent...

"Do you know what day today is?"

He stopped laughing all of a sudden and asked, gazing at the clear blue sky.

"31st of July?"

I giggled, couldn't understand why he had to ask.

"Tomorrow is the 1st of August."
"1st of August 10 years ago, in the cafe near my highschool."

He said softly, his eyes still set on the cloudless sky, as if he was trying to look back in time.

My memories rushed back. That cafe. I still remember how I knocked down the waitress in front of all the customers, and the slim young guy sitting with Takuro.

"It was 1st of August? I never noticed!"

I shrugged and giggled, never expected he would remember special dates. To me, he was the kind of people who couldn't even remember his own birthday.

"Un... That day was my brother's birthday. I told my mother I was going out to buy him a present but then I went to meet you guys."
"Yah? You naughty boy!"

I giggled, never expected he had such good memory.
He smiled.

"That's the beginning of our story."

I looked at him, eyes widely opened. He always said something unsuitable I knew, but I didn't think he was as dumb as that.

"What are you talking about?"

I managed a giggle and lay onto the floor, trying to move away from his intense gaze.

"It has been almost ten years already. I don't want to wait any longer"

His tone was clear and determined, telling me he knew very well what he was talking about.

"Wait for what?"

Softly I whispered, terribly confused, and surely didn't like the topic.

"The ending of our story."

He said. A short answer, but the meaning was so deep that I was almost drowned.

"It had ended a long time ago. The day I walked out of your apartment it had ended."

I drew some cool fresh air into my chest and answered, not giving him a sign of weakness.
I stood up, wanted to leave the topic, escape from it, and from my memories that hurt so much.

"It had not. We hadn't chosen how we wanted it to end."
"We did!"
"We didn't! Our misunderstandings did. Our destinies did. We didn't!"

He held me back, his fingers clenching tightly around my wrist. The fingers which magically performed the most beautiful music, the ones which gave me so many feelings, so many emotions.

I sighed. I didn't want to fight. His words brought me too much to think and feel. I didn't want to.
I turned around, closing my eyes. I didn't want him to see through them to my heart and find out something I didn't want anyone to know. I wanted to keep them a mystery, buried deep within me, never to be discovered. Not by him, not by anyone.

"You want me just because you had lost me."
"Just because I lost you I realize how much I love you!"

For the next minute no one said a thing. His words echoed within the soundless stage, and in my heart. Perhaps in his heart too. I felt his clench loosened, his fingers brushed slightly against mine as he released me.

"I've made my choice since a long time ago but I never got a chance to tell you. No matter what, you must listen to it right now. Please believe me. This is going to be the frankest thing I've ever said in my life..."

Still closing my eyes, I hope I could shut my ears as well. I didn't want to know. How much effort have I used to deceive myself that I knew nothing?
Somehow, I knew that wasn't what I really wanted. Yet things were too complicated. I only wished everything could be clear and simple, like what we used to be.
I want nothing but peace.

"Forget it Tono... It had been too long... I've already forgotten everything, so should you..."
"That's good! Then let's forget everything and start all over again!"

I opened my eyes and stared at him, didn't know how I should feel. I almost laughed at what he said. How innocent. Like a little child. What did he mean by 'start all over again'? Like pulling down a Lego tower and build it up again? How nice it would be if everything could really start all over again...

"It's impossible."
"Nothing's impossible! Ten years ago we thought it was impossible that we would get two thousand audiences in our performances. But see! Look around you! A few hours later two hundred thousand people will be here! Just for us! Two hundred thousand coming from all over Japan just to see us perform!"

I shook my head, wanted to argue back but I didn't know what to say. It wasn't the same. It was totally different.

"I love you."

His voice sounded again, not letting the silence grow.
It sounded so clear in the cool morning breeze. Three beautiful words, too beautiful to be taken, to be contaminated by my scarred heart.

"How about you? Please let me know... Do you love me?"

All I did was sigh, a really deep sigh, refused to answer his question.
I knew I loved him but I just couldn't say 'yes'. Yet if I decided I shouldn't love him anymore, why couldn't I simply say 'no'?
I was very confused. I hate the 'me' who was so confused and helpless that wanted to cry. But I couldn't help it. I didn't know the answer.

He didn't force an answer from me. He only managed a slight smile on his blank face.

"I'm still waiting. But before the tenth year, our story must have its ending..."

It was the last sentence he left me with.
Standing alone in the middle of the stage, dumbfounded, all I could do was to wonder - Where was my destiny bringing me to? Or where was I leading myself to? I wanted the answer. Yes. An answer before the tenth year...


I didn't know what other words should I use to describe the concert except 'perfect'.
I loved to perform on stage. For only when I was standing in front of the audiences, I could forget all my other thoughts. I loved the feeling of caring nothing else but my music. That's the greatest thing of my life, and it was also the most important.

Performing in front of two hundred thousand audiences was like a dream coming true. A dream you never expected to come true. I had never felt as happy and satisfied in my life, until the music faded, and the lights of the stage got turned off.

The concert had ended.


Due to the terrible traffic jam on the road back to Tokyo, all of us had no choice but staying in the backstage, reading through the comment sheets from the audiences. But anyways no one was in the mood of going home and sleep. We were still too excited to calm ourselves down, and for me, I got something else to be troubled about.

Every soft click of my watch echoed in my heart, especially when everyone was reading in silence. I looked up from my pile of sheets, quickly glanced at the time. In less than half-an-hour, the day was going to end.
I wished someone or something would come to me and keep me occupied until the next day, so I didn't have to go through that longest half-an-hour in my life. Yet it never happened.

I saw from the corner of my eyes that he was often glancing at me. I felt a terrible pressure, forcing me to think of an answer. Wanted to escape from it, I picked up my pack of cigarette and dashed out of the room, hoping to get some fresh air.

I turned on the lights of the stage, and settled down on the floor in the middle of it, gazing around like what I did the morning before. The staff who were busy cleaning up the venue had left one by one, as it was far after time of their working hours.
Very soon I could see no one. Most of the lights had been switched off, only a few were left there, brightening the path towards the exit with their warm gleam.

Giving my cigarette another puff, I glanced up at my watch for the 7th time. 11:53. No matter how many times I checked the time it was still a few minutes before midnight.
I sat there, felt my heart thumping inside me. I didn't know what I was anxious at. Was I afraid that he would come looking for my answer? Or I was scared that he would let everything end by silence?

Really, not long later, I saw him. But he wasn't looking for me. I saw him walking towards the exit.

He was leaving, he decided not to wait for my answer anymore...

My heart suddenly shivered. I slowly stood up, my eyes couldn't move away from him. I had a very very strong but unknown feeling in my heart. I could do nothing but gaze at him, gradually disappearing into the dark...

Wasn't that what I want? I wanted him to leave my life completely didn't I? All the years I had been wishing and praying he would leave me in peace forever. If that's so, why the tears...?


I yelled, helplessly, but as loudly as I could. Yet he didn't stop walking away from where I was, walking away from me. Perhaps he couldn't hear me, perhaps he told himself not to hear. I didn't know. But I didn't go bother the messy thoughts in me this time. I could care nothing but stop him walking away. All I knew was I couldn't let him walk away...

I ran all the way down the stage and chased after him, wishing desperately to catch him before he leave, before midnight. I used all my strength, dashing as quickly as I could.
The cool night breeze blew against my face as I ran, drying my tears. I had no more time to cry nor think.
That instance, I knew the answer. How come I never realized? As soon as I stopped thinking, the answer was always there, right in front of me, playing the most beautiful music in the world with talents and charms, and now, walking away from me...

Finally, I was just a few metres behind him. I stopped running, panting hard for air. He hadn't noticed me yet, still walking slowly towards the exit.
I followed him along his pace, getting my breath back, gazing at him soundlessly

I saw him giving a last puff to his cigarette then threw it away, and his empty hand went dangling back and forth beside him as he walked.
For the very first time, I noticed how lonely it was.
I didn't like that.
So I held it in mine.

I can still remember how he jumped slightly at my sudden appearance.

No one said a thing for a long time. Perhaps it wasn't too long, but it felt like another ten years.
A gust of cool breeze blew at us. My fingers slipped tightly around his for warmth.

"Pay me and I'll be your lover."

I whispered. Softer than the mid-summer songs of cicadas.
He turned to look at me, with an expression I was very familiar with - the one he used to gaze at me with, not showing how he feels, not showing what he thinks. A mysterious look.

"What do you want me to pay you with?"
"Your love?"

I looked up and saw him smiled. A very soft smile, but enough. Very enough.

"Do you know what time it is?"

He didn't answer me, but pulled his hand away from mine and resumed walking.
I glanced at my watch. 0:12.

"Don't I deserve ten minutes?"
"For what? Keeping me waiting for ten minutes instead of twenty?"

His giggles sounded remarkably clear in the summer air.
I gazed at him, then lowered my head, hiding my slight embarrassment.

"For loving you 10 whole years."

Finally, I spoke out the truth. I never expected it would make me feel so great. The air I breathed seemed to taste sweet all of a sudden.
Perhaps I should had done so earlier... But that was okay. At least I did.

He stopped walking and turned around, gazed at me quietly for a moment. Slowly a weird expression crept onto his face. A crooked little pout, trying to hold back his stupid arrogant smile.
I chuckled at him, and we looked at each other eye to eye. I couldn't tell when was the last time, but I could tell they had never been gazing at me so warmly.

Slowly he approached me, and softly held my hand in his. We gazed at the tangling fingers, then smiled at each other. A sweet, satisfied smile, knowing we had our answer - a satisfying one, the perfect one we had been searching for.
I could feel the warmth of his palm against mine. So warm, so familiar, as if we had never been separated for the past ten years.

A gust of soft breeze blew over us again, messing up our hair a bit. We chuckled at each other as our eyes got blocked. He pushed his light brown ones to the back of his head, then gently placed his hand onto my strands, brushing it softly, lovingly, like what he used to do.
I gazed at him, my smile gradually faded. What was he thinking, when he gazed at his fingers running in my hair...?

"Short hair suits you better..."

He smiled, twisting my brown fringe with his slender finger.

"It suits your personality. Stupid, dumb, just like a 6 year-old kid."
"What the hell!"

I pouted and gave him a playful punch on his stomach. He winced with a naughty giggle, then we both laughed the most cheerful laughter for years.

Our laughter slowly disappeared into the night breeze, leaving us standing there under the glimmering summer stars, our lips attached to each other's, so as our hearts.

"I love you..."

I heard him whispering those three beautiful words again, touching me from the bottom of my heart. I smiled. I finally knew where my destiny was leading me to. It led me here. And right here, I found my destination for life - the arms of my beloved.

"I love you too..."


This is the end of our story, and also the beginning of a new one.
This time, the story will last longer. Longer than ten years, or twenty, or thirty.
If there is really something called 'forever'. That's how long the story will go on.

Yet I can conclude it to you in one sentence:
The two live happily ever after...

1st August, 2000.

~ Owari ~


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