"A Sense of Himself"
by Darkfrozenmind

a Kaoru (of Dir En Grey) fanfiction
no copyright infringement intended.

On to the story...

Chapter 1: The Sleeping god of death

Shinjuku, 12:47 am

Kaoru yawned widely, poise forgotten as he felt the strains of fatigue tug at him as he drove his car cautiously down the smooth lane of Shinjuku. Muffled sounds of his Madeth Gray'll CD easing out of his car stereo, his hands gripped the stirring wheel gently. Never had his ride been this agonizing, impatient to get home. He just wanted to get home and sleep. Four days of continuous recording and only a maximum 3 hours of sleep as interval wasn't exactly his idea of fun.

Eyes drifting a little bit shut...he yawned...

/at least my parts are done...a days rest and off to mixing...a...n..d.../

He yawned again.

A faint sound of horns blaring, and kaoru felt himself spin, he felt light and heavy at the same time, he felt irrelevant, because he wanted to scream but couldn't. He felt forgotten, then everything faded into black.


Toshiya's apartment, 12:47 am

He cried out passionately, tossing his head back as he climaxed, star in the darkness, as his body was pushed to release...he licked at his lower lip as he pumped out semen.

He blinked several times, and saw a face veled by lilac, it turned to him and smiled, then all was black.

He opened his eyes to his lover, blonde hair, smiling at him, that smile filled with everything devious and sensuously naughty, he pushed hard a last time before coming. Toshiya panted loudly and after the final shudder, Hakuei pulled out of him...

Toshiya literally crawled to the bathroom, he was still shuddering from sexual release, it was breathtakingly wonderful how Hakuei and him blended into perfect harmony. He put his middle finger up as defense, when Hakuei started laughing, watching his lover crawl to the bath.

"Am I that good?"

"I need to take a piss, Hakuei"

"how you gona do that, like a dog?"

"Fuck off."

"Been there, done that."

Toshiya was quiet and as he finally found the strength and aid to get up on his feet, and relieve himself, he also found the motivation to laugh at him and his lover's conversation. Hakuei shortly joined in. Washing his hands, wiping himself clean, Toshiya had that predatory grin on his face, wanting to start another round with his *Hakuei-chan*. He was a step awa from the bed, when his phone rang. Their eye contact broken as Hakuei reached for the phone.


"Eh, this is Kyo...Toshiya there?"

"Yeah, wait up..."

Toshiya had made his way by hakuei's side and reached for the phone, looking at hakuei before talking into the mouth piece.

"It's Kyo."

Toshiya nodded and he smiled widely, faking that irritated tone from being disturbed while in the mood for sex...

"Kyo! what do you want! Hakuei and I were busy!"

Normally Kyo would have played along, but when Kyo maintained his neutral tone, the bassist knew something was definitely wrong. toshiya frowned, alarming Hakuei, who moved his ear closer.

"Toshiya, rehearsal won't resume until further notice..."

"Okay...Kyo, why, what's wrong?"

"His family is keeping anyone from visiting him at the moment, all we can do is wait, Toshiya."

"What?! Who are you talking about? What happened Kyo? Kyo!?"

Toshiya's inquiry came unanswered, he heard a sounds like hands passing on the phone and this time it was Shiya's voice...but then again his voice was not his because it sounded like Shinya had been crying...


"Shinya, god, just please tell me what's wrong?!"

Toshiya had lost patience and the suspense was kiling him, there was that ice cold grasp on his spine as Shinya began speaking, somehow Toshiya knew what he was going to say next, but he felt gutted still after hearing it...

"Kaoru's been in an accident."

"Die was first in the hospital, then Kaoru's family came after a few hours. Die called us up as the family requested to have absolutely no visitors until further notice...We're worried Toshiya, and even Die shut off his celfone, so we couldn't call him after that..."


Hakuei was holding Toshiya as he felt his body go rigid, and all thought had centered on Kaoru and what could have happened. Toshiya dropped the phone on the bed. Hakuei took it and proceeded to converse with the distressed drummer, at least now Hakuei had an idea of what happened. As he put the phone down, Toshiya looked lost, and it broke hakuei's heart to see the sparkle of Toshiya's eyes disappear in an instant.

"Hakuei...could you please drive me to the Shinjuku Executive Hospital...K-Kaoru's been in an accident..." his voice was blank and he stared ahead, whilst he got up and started automatically dressing up.

Hakuei did the same and nodded his head to show that he'd do anything...to help.

The ride to the hospital was quiet, and Toshiya's eyes were focused on the sliding rode that the car mercilessly screeched upon. As they parked, Toshiya took in the scene of the building, this hospital was and establishment he could learn tohate or love, depending on what he found out inside.
He walked side by side with Hakuei, plainly dressed, both in jeans, trainers, and simple shirts, protected from the cold by sweaters, green on Hakuei and ash on the bassist.

Toshiya was first to approach the customer service desk of the ER, the aging nurse informed them that Kaoru had been moved to the 3rd floor, near neurology , as he was admitted formally for head injuries. The couple quietly made their way to the third floor, and as they trailed along the long white corridor, a nurse intercepted them...

"Sir, visitors are not allowed on this floor, at this time, except if you're family..."

Toshiya was about to make an excuse when a familiar voice, kindly asked the nurse to leave Toshiya and Hakuei, that he would be the one to take care of it...it was Die. In his black jacket and shirt, his hair was kept under a bonnet of pure black. His face unreadable, only the ghost of a smile crossed his face, then he was quiet, sullen. Being Kaoru's best friend, Toshiya knew that this incient was hitting Die more than anyone else.

"Didn't I tell Kyo and Shinya that no visitors are allowed until further notice?" eyeing Toshiya and Hakuei with a blank stare.

Toshiya was about to argue...if die was here then all of them had the right...but then, a graceful woman, middle aged came out of an isolated room, and Die forgot about both of them, he strode across the hall to the woman and held her hand, the woman seemed to cry in Die's chest and he soothingly held her shoulders andit sounded to Toshiya that Die was telling her encouraging words. A moment after a middle aged man came out, holding his temples, shoulders trembling, but upon nearing Die, he firmed up and shook Die's offered hand strongly, then puled him into a manly embrace. Toshiya bowed his head. Die was as good as family.

The woman caught Toshiya's eye and for a brief moment they held their gaze. the woman then turned to Die and was speaking in a low but firm voice, Die nodded, then he led the couple inside the room, before approaching the waiting Toshiya and Hakuei.

"Let's talk in the lobby...they don't want anyone to see Kaoru, they were pretty distressed seeing visitors..."

"And have you seen him Die? All I really want to know is if he's okay, at least i can assure our other bandmates of kaoru's condition..."

"I've seen him."

"And?!!" Toshiya was close to angry, voice rising.

Die maintained his neutral tone...

"And what, Toshiya...assure them that Kaoru's in an unrecognizable state...that I've known Kaoruu the longest but uponseeing him tonight I couldn't recognize him...and Toshiya assure them with this information, Kaoru's not breathing on his own, he's attached to a machine."

Die turned around and tried controlling his breathing.

Hakuei was the one that spoke thereafter.

"Toshiya's just worried, Die, he meant no harm."

The bassist was holding on to Hakuei, eyes void of feeling, just dry tears skimming at the corners.

Die, breathed in gently.

"I know. I'm just protecting my best friend."

"From who? what?"

"I don't know, but I don't want him gullible to anybody, Mr and Mrs Niikura spoke with our manager to suppres the incident as long as we can. Japan will not see Kaoru like this."

"I'm not Japan! I'm Toshiya your bandmate, what the fuck is wrong with you Die?" It was Toshiya who spoke in a clipped tone.

"Right now everyone's a stranger okay! Kaoru will only be visible to his doctors and his family."

"don't hide him from me, Shinya or Kyo...please..."

"No. He's been through enough."

Die walked away, not looking back at the distressed Toshiya and Hakuei, who was quiet the whole time, clearly seeing this wasn't his battle.


The ride home was quiet. Toshiya quietly shut off his celfone, that was the most logical thing to do, Kyo and shinya took turns relentlessly calling him. How could he tell them Kaoru's condition, he didn't have the heart. he couldn't find the words. He'd let Die tell them, he likes taking on that title...fine. But then again the impact of how Kaoru was doing, was slowly hitting Toshiya, how could this happen? why Kaoru...of all people...the bassist gently hid his face in his hands and wept quietly. Hakuei reached out and gently squeezed toshiya's trembling shoulders, givig him comfort, communicating his love as best he could as he drove.

When they arrived at the apartment complex , both men didn't move to get out of the car, they stayed a few moments gathering their wits, and thoughts. It was Toshiya who broke the silence with a whimper, looking up to Hakuei before moving in his embrace, easing off his seat onto Hakuei's lap, struggling with the size of the car. Toshiya snuggled closer finding safety in Hakuei's arms, and he cried, letting tears wet the crook of Hakuei's neck, they cuddled for what seemed like an eternity.

Hakuei gently stroked Toshiya's hair, his angel. It was funny that Kaoru called himself the "god of death"...the god of death gave Hakuei his angel. The blonde closed his eyes remembering how kaoru graciously backed off, afte he and Toshiya fell in love, they didn't mean for it to happen but it did. Toshiya was with kaoru then, but he gave way...and they became friends, Toshiya and Kaoru maintained theirfriendship...it was perfect...Hakuei closed his eyes...

death, claim not your god...please.


The air pump, assisted in the expansion of the papaer indicator, air running within, filling the balloon filtered into a still body, Kaoru. He lay on a cold hospital bed, warmth seeping through his mother's hand holding his own, a few tubes running across his chest, his hair, colored puprple now cut...almost shaven out to give sapce for the metal plate supporting the side of his face. his brow collapsed into a slumped line, his mouth agape to accomodate the tube for air.

He was unrecognizable. The leader of Dir en Grey.

Mr. Niikura sat quietly in an arm chair looking at his son, trying to fathom that unbreakable question...why him?

The dark was the perfect hiding place, to hide his tears, his face. Die looked at both Mr and Mrs Niikura. Wondering how kaoru was deep inside that shell shattered in portions. Was he in pain? Did he want to die? What could he possibly do, to ease even a little of his best friend's pain?

/I'll protect you, Kaoru...no one can ever make fun of you, cause you pain.../

Die surprised himself, with his thought, his reactionto Toshiya's visit. This surge of protectiveness, was something inevitable though. Normally he'd be laid back. But at this time when Kaoru could not take care of himself, Die assumed that responsibility, fully.

Kaoru would do the same for him, Die was sure of that.

He made his way to the window...a little stream of sunlight was seeping through the curtains, Die, fixed it and shut out that fervored light. It must have been mid afternoon already and he hadn't had sleep nor something to eat. he didn't care. Being parents, Mr and Mrs Niikura stood up and asked Die what he wanted, they were going to get some food...he declined, it was rare but he didn't feel hungry. Kaoru's parents then left him with his friend.

Die spoke gently, taking Kaoru's hand, wincing at how cold it was...Die rubbed his hands together, friction giving little warmth to Kaoru, but it was warmth nonetheless.

"Toshiya visited you this morning...but I wouldn't let them in...Your parents want you to be kept here for now...Kaoru...get better, please...so Kyo and Shinya and Toshiya will stop worrying...I'm trying my best to be strong for you, Kaoru, because I know you expect that of me, but being strong has always bee your forte, not mine..." Die sniffled...

"...just look at me, i'm crying already...Kaoru...don't leave me, don't leave us."

Die held on to Kaoru's hands tightly, placing it on his cheek. Eversince he could remeber, Kaoru had always been the tough one emotionally, he was Die's booster, his lawyer and it seemed they were brothers...that shared the same drift and read each other's brain. Kaoru laying helpless like this was something new, and Die hated it, with roles reversed - it wasa rearrangement that he'd have to get used to.

"just please get better, Kaoru..."

Die stopped as he felt something...Kaoru..his index finger, the one that Die had in his hands...he felt it move.


to be continued

back to DEG fics page 3