"A Sense of Himself"
by Darkfrozenmind

a Kaoru (of Dir En Grey) fanfiction
no copyright infringement intended.


For my sisters Razzy-sama, Yuan-nee and Nightmajik-chan; and my dearest friends Zar-chan and Kako-chan.  Thank you for everything.

I'm sorry for the delay of these chapters >_<; frankly I lost all confidence in writing this story and it took me a while to get my wits back in order.  I kept making 360 degree changes, but I think me and my muses (Hakuei and Kaoru) are on the right track this time around.

Mana Camui, this part written for you because you are one cool web mistress don't let anyone tell you otherwise >___<;; *hugs tight*

On to the story...


Chapter 10 : A storm is born

The air felt like it was charged by a million ions, that certain charge when a storm is born in the atmosphere.  A threat of absolute chaos.  there was no way to go around it, you fall into the chaos , you tumble round and round before being faced with the irony of it all...finding peace right in the middle of it.

He never acknowledged the fact that he was *this* much of a coward.  Too scared of his emotions to even face the possibility of rejection.  He pushed the coffee mug before him with the back of his hand, the effort an little too strong as the mug tips and rolls off the kitchen table crashing down on the floor.

Pieces scattered.

Contents spilt upon a seemingly perfect surface.  smearing it with a loathsome stain.

Die quietly shook his head, he'd just clean the mess tomorrow.

Sitting in his kitchen, again he ran away...leaving the man he loved, he even turned back on his own words, telling Hakuei he'd stay with Kaoru until everything crashed into nothing.  Yet here he is cowering from a reality he had just experienced wallowing in a pool of diluted self-pity.  

How could he ever explain himself?  Apologize for something so terrible.  Kaoru had just offered him his body; given him the most important thing he could, offered him the highest form of love he had to share; all so that he could just leave him.

/Die you're terribly selfish/ Die thought to himself.  Before he hid his face in his hands and let his breath tickle his palms.

A few hours till morning.


The sky looked forlorn.  The clouds looked like sponges soaked in dark ink, and to him they were but reflections of his mood; his sadness.  He moved a little and winced at the pain but got over it as his back lost contact with the sheets.  His naked body taking in the silence and the cool air that seemed to penetrate every pore of his body.  Taking small and quiet steps, he padded over to where he had flung his shirt, he bent down slowly taking it then wearing the article.  His eyes hawked for his boxers and luckily he had found them at the foot of the bed.

With that done, he took a short, uncertain breath before he went to the door.  Slowly he turned the knob, making the wood part with it's panel in an agonizing pace - the goal was to make no sound.  A small partition and he was able to peek outside, his eyes adjusting from the darkness to the soft glow of light from the kitchen.  He pined to see *him* but at this angle he knew that he wouldn't.  

So a decision was made.  he pulled the door wide open and stepped out from the bedroom's tinted solace and started his journey to the kitchen.

/You're doing the right thing Kaoru.../was all he said to himself.


The first thing that he saw upon entering the lit room was a mass of red hair without a face...a face hidden within strong hands that masked it 's sadness, and denied the confirmation that behind that armor, the redhead was weeping.  

Another step, and his bare feet caught the feel of warm liquid, Kaoru looked down and saw the shattered mug.

He bent down, wordlessly picking up the pieces, laying each shard on top of one another and letting them rest on the palm of his hand.  A strange thought came upon him as he went about his task...

/If only human lives were this easy to pick up after they have shattered...how easy life can be.../

He blinked a couple of times before standing, seeing that he had gathered the broken material in its entirety.  Stepping over the pool of coffee on the floor he padded to the sink and placed the broken mug in the garbage bin that rested solemnly.  He proceeded to wet some cloth and squeeze it dry before moving to kneel not minding the burning pain from their earlier encounter and then he wiped the coffee from the floor.

So intent was he, so wordless and concentrated, that he failed to notice brown eyes on him...brown eyes peering behind red fringes.  Kaoru was picking up after him in all aspects and now he had finally decided that Kaoru was worth every risk he could ever take...including rejection.

As Kaoru stood, he looked at where Die sat, their eyes locking.  Words escaped him for what seemed like an eternity.  But he was determined not to let this end in silence. Kaoru spoke in a gentle tone; low, and he had hoped to mask the loneliness that danced with each word. Even if he knew he would fail...

"Die...I'll just make another cup of coffee for you."

"It's okay...you don't have to.  I was going to clean that mess anyway..." he  looked away and scolded himself for such a cool tone that escaped his mouth.

"No, it's okay i came out to make myself a cup anyway...another cup won't hurt, besides it looked like you weren't able to drink that much." he smiled.  For the weight of the mood they were carrying, Kaoru smiled genuinely, not for anything but the thought of being in the same room with Die was assuring in itself.

/don't leave.../ Kaoru turned and proceeded to make the coffee.

Die ran his hand through soft red hair, breathing fast but soundlessly. wondering if he should stop Kaoru from making the coffee or just sitting there and risk another conversation.  Risk. There's that word again.  he had nothing to say to him, all his thoughts and words were in a jumble.  And he had nothing at his defense.

He looked at him only to catch Kaoru sneaking a glance at him...both turned away blushing at being caught.

/he's Kaoru...you idiot...you don't need defenses around him.../  it seemed like two voices spoke in his head, as another thought prodded in die's mind.../be careful, he is the only one that can make you feel this vulnerable.../

A soft debate...

Silenced, with a decision made.  He didn't need voices to tell him, what his heart was telling him right from the start.

Thoughts interrupted as he saw Kaoru turn and place the mugs upon the smooth surface of the table.  Die softly put his weight and pushed his chair away from the table.  Kaoru looked at him and  was about to pull out a chair, when Die reached for his hand, a gentle tug and he pulled Kaoru to him, making eye contact and telling him wordlessly that he was going to make everything right, softly Kaoru sat on Die's lap; slightly facing him he bowed and closed his eyes...it felt good to be with him.

Die rested his chin on Kaoru's shoulder..."I'm sorry" said in a whisper.

Kaoru tried stifling his sob, but failed, all these emotions needed release; and he slowly turned, taking dies face in his hands and kissing his lips softly...then his cheek, Kaoru held him close, cheeks pressed together as he whispered words that stole the redhead's heart all over again.

"Die it was never about pity, I meant what we shared, I wanted to give you everything that I could...It's not about pity...It's not..."

Kaoru started crying and pressed his body closer to Die.

"I know Kaoru, I'm sorry I was wrong to have said those things back there...I trust you...I love you Kaoru Niikura."

He embraced the smaller man tightly, protectively.



"Please don't leave me again."

Die's lips touched Kaoru's shoulder.  

No he would not promise something with words only to break it...he would promise with his heart.  As he held this man that he loved, until tiny streaks of light danced on the kitchen floor.  Kaoru's face hidden in the crook of his neck, Die  smiled at the spectacle; the sun was making it's way to the sky.


"Hakuei...it's too early in the morning to be anywhere..."  Toshiya complained as Hakuei poked his arm.  Defensively Toshiya pulled the blanket over him as if it would act as protection from his lover.

"Toshiya, today's your first day of practice, come on get up!"

"It is?"


"It's been so long, I almost forgot..." he said sleepily.

"Well that's why I'm reminding you...now up, up, up!"

"Alright!"  It was a fake irate voice coming from the bassist, slowly rising from the bed, padding quietly to the bath.

First his pajama top came off, then his trousers...as he stepped inside the warm shower he closed his eyes.  He let the tiny drops grace his back then he lifted his chin to expose a slender neck...he felt refreshed by it.  A certain positivity charging him with each drop.  Today would be a new beginning for them as a band, as friends...after a long time of setting music aside, they would be coming together; creative than ever before.  Today would also be Kaoru's trying day...his ability to stir them as a band despite the odds and the blank slates blotching his being.  Kaoru had parts of him missing...Toshiya hoped that Kaoru would be able to rise above that and take on his old shoes skillfully.

he closed his eyes as he bowed his head, the shower soaking, seeping through his blue hair.


He didn't really know why he was in such a bad mood today.  Well maybe he knew, he just didn't want to acknowledge the fact that he knew.  He turned to his side, closing his eyes and tried his best to go back to sleep.  He was Kyo in any case, and he had the ability to sleep anywhere and anytime.  But still, the situation he was in prohibited him from doing so, and it was driving him nuts.

He breathed in deep and  turned yet again, eyes now resting upon the ceiling.  This house was not his, there had been a fire scare in his apartment complex and it was advised for residents to go to a hostel or sleep somewhere else until the gas leak was traced.

Shinya lived the closest.

He offered, opened his home to the vocalist.

It would have been okay, but just around midnight, Shinya's lover came knocking on the door.  And the boy was delighted upon seeing him.  Just perfect.  

Kyo really didn't understand why the whole thing irritated him so much.

He closed his eyes and breathed in deep; only to be startled by someone's touch.

He let out a yelp of surprise almost kicking his *offender*.


"Eh Shinya you scared me."  Kyo's voice did not hide his distaste.

"Gomen ne, Kyo, but I was just trying to wake you, it's practice today we shouldn't be late."

"I know Shinya."

"It's been a long time ne Kyo?"


Kyo was about to move when he suddenly felt Shinya sit on the couch where he was lying.  Kyo moved up to look at the drummer sitting by his feet.

"Are you okay Shinya?"

"Y-yeah I'm okay Kyo..."

"I was expecting you to be getting ready by now."

Shinya smiled sadly, the vague greyness of the morning did not hide the glory from Kyo's eyes.

"I'll get ready in a minute..."

"Okay, do you mind if I get ready before you?"

"No go ahead."

Kyo stood up and made his way to the bathroom, but not before looking back at the boy...

"Shinya, are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah I'm just happy..."

"About what?"


"Oh, practice and all?"

"being pre occupied again."

Kyo was about to ask more when Shinya stood and turned, smiling at the frail blonde and moving past him to go to his room, where the voice of a searching lover was coming from.

Kyo shook his head.



It might have seeped past the press, but then again even if it was a slight inconvenience for them all, it was nice to see so many people gather outside their studio to welcome the band most specially Kaoru.  The leader stepped out of the van they rode in, surrounded by two body guards, he looked at the people screaming his name, then he looked behind him where Die stood a good three steps behind, he looked around again, swallowing the chaos, before smiling and slowly bowing in gratitude.  His eyes watering, as he saw the fans reply with the same gesture, a hundred or so people bowing in unison, welcoming someone they missed so much.

Inside the studio, there were gifts and letters waiting as well...for all of them.  Kaoru thanked the staff before proceeding to the band room where Toshiya, Shinya and Kyo were already waiting.  Smiles exchanged, with little known effort to see beyond the smile.  All of them...they had secret lives to lead, but it always faded when it was time to make music.  That's when all the trouble ended and their spirits soared.

Music was their freedom.  Dir En Grey was their silence.

Kaoru nodded.

"Let's practice."

Obediently they all took their places, even die who had just walked in knew, even if he had not heard, looking at Kaoru before picking up his green Les Paul.

"Let's start with Yokan"

And if history knew how to weave itself from the ashes, this was a fine example.  Five men playing and creating, letting their spirits soar.


Kaoru was all smiles, having spent the day going through almost all the songs he was not the least tired, it was all routine and then some.

Almost midnight, he looked at each of his band mates and smiled yet again.

"Let's call it a day shall we?"

No one else needed further encouragement in moving to start making their way home. Kaoru stretched a little before he sat down on the arm of the couch and looked at each and everyone of his band mates, his look lingering a bit longer on Die.

"Is it okay if i keep everyone here a little bit longer..."

Strange, curious looks were cast upon him.

"I promise this'll be short."

"Kaoru what is it?"  It was Toshiya who asked first, though it was Die who was first by Kaoru's side.

Kaoru let himself lean backwards, his back resting on Die's chest, his lover's heartbeat felt and in a way that calmed him as he spoke.

"I'd just like to let everyone know that i have my memory back, fully."

"Kaoru that's great!" Shinya exclaimed.

"Hai!  But I still have to get my evaluation from the doctor, but i pretty much have all the pieces together."

"This means you remember Die!"  Toshiya excitedly said.

Kaoru's answer was a soft smile and in a soft voice replied.

"of course."


It was decide that their next session would be a week after that fine day they had.  Kaoru fed the data into his mobile, set on a reminder.  Yawning he bent a little to plug the charger to his mobile before settling down a very tired and already sleeping Die,  Koaru inched closer and snuggled to him, laying his head on Die's chest, letting his steady breathing, his heartbeat lull him.

Toshiya was already half-asleep, two hours after he arrived he and Hakuei chatted over how practice went that day.  About Kaoru's memory, and the excitement it caused.  He was still not finished with his story when Hakuei's mobile rang, of course it must be important, so Toshiya waited.  But it was taking so long so he opted to sleep.  His fatigue making him unable to feel anything.  It was almost a good day.

Kyo stood by his bedroom window, the fire-scare over, and the safety returned to his apartment complex.  He wondered why he wasn't sleepy yet again, his thoughts unoccupied, just a blank slate of nothing.  despite his joy over Kaoru's progress, he still had a lot to decipher about why he was just standing there looking out his window, out the street where the night has called out it's reprobate sons and daughters.  Kyo kept his gaze at a certain direction...down the street, round the corner of the avenue.

Shinya looked at his lover who was reading documents stacked in a binder.  He was lying on his side and he reached out to touch his arm.  there was no response.  His eyes fixed on him, yet his gaze left unrequited.  He breathed in deep.  Invisibility was something unappreciated by the visible.  He wanted to cy but held the tears inside.  Practice went well, that should be enough for now.

Die, hadn't really crossed over to the unconsciousness of sleep.  He was floating somewhere in between. But his senses were alive.  Alive to every movement, every sensation, and most of all alive to Kaoru's touch, his head upon his chest. The smallest reflex and he had his arm over Kaoru's shoulder, loving the way it lifted and fell with his breathing.  Of all definitions and diction, he could truly say that he was happy.


Kaoru felt Die's arm over his shoulder...a reassuring gesture.  He gently looked up and whispered words that sounded so simple, so illogical

"I love you."

Not expecting and answer.

But Die was never the predictable type.

Just as Kaoru was about to close his eyes again...Die's soft voice fluttered in the still room

"I love you more."

The leader smiled and closed his eyes.

Good day.


to be continued

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