"A Sense of Himself"
by Darkfrozenmind

a Kaoru (of Dir En Grey) fanfiction
no copyright infringement intended.


for Razzy-sama, A-chan  and Yuan-sis.
I did this part out of sadness, really, I miss Rei because I love everything she’s written, specially Lilac Dreams and i got news that she won't continue it anymore, you will be missed. I will personally miss your story >__<;  You're absence is a big loss to the fic writing community ya hear *hugs*.


 Chapter 2 : Partly Cloudy



The skies were gray. 
Today would be partly cloudy, with occasional  rains.
That's what the announcer said about the weather.
It's funny how the weather reflected their mood. 
"We are the weather."


Toshiya wished to god that Hakuei just stayed home today.  He didn't want him to go and work.  But then the man pleaded that he had duties to perform, and the earlier he started the faster he'd finish, the earlier he'd get home.  Toshiya complied and let him go.  He wanted Hakuei to hold him.

 Now lying in bed, he wondered how Kaoru was...he didn't want to think of him, it was haunting to even imagine how he would appear before him.  Toshiya hadn't even seen the car wreck, he wondered if he should.   He felt tears drip from the side of his eyes, his lips quivering remebering how Kyo literally screamed at him for turning off his mobile phone.  And that triggered such a anger in him that he yelled back at Kyo, screaming out Kaoru's condition unmindful of how terrible it was, not stopping to consider how Kyo would feel about it.  There was pain in every syllable, venom in every word.    Kyo hung up, but not fast enough, as Toshiya heard him sob.   Shinya had stopped calling, he had probably spoken with Kyo, he tried calling the drummer but the drummer would not answer his phone or mobile.  Toshiya just wanted to disappear, until this was all over, but that was a terrible thought.   They had to at least stick together at a time like  this, and they would if only  Kaoru's family including Die would adhere to them seeing Kaoru, wishing him well...helping them. 

Their distance from each other as a band...this accident, it was tearing them apart.
Toshiya's hands were gripping his elbows so hard it started to hurt.
Kaoru was his friend too.
His former lover, they had shared so much, and although it ended after he met Hakuei, Kaoru was never bitter about it.  Never.
That fact endeared him to Toshiya all the more.
Toshiya wanted to see Kaoru, he needed to know how he was.



 Die quietly turned off the shower, finally a long cleansing bath, to erase a little of the stress and fatigue from yesterday's ordeal.  In an abrupt fashion Die brushed his teeth and then splashed on cologne, toweling his hair dry as he sped out to his bedroom and eventually got dressed.  He needed to go back to the hospital, so Kaoru's parents can rest.   

The final touches and throwing a sweater on himself, he reached out for the bag he had prepared earlier.

 The silent clicking of the door was heard and the roaring of an engine, as Die head out for the hospital.

 With zero food and sleep for the last 18 hours it was amazing he was still up and about.

 After that false alarm, he thought that Kaoru had finally gotten out of the coma.  The doctor carefully explained to him that reflexes do happen and that those in a comatose could feel touch and hear, it was most likely that it was Kaoru telling him that he had heard what Die was saying.

 /If that's true, then I'm glad...I wish you did hear me, Kao..../

 It had been a short drive and Die let a smile pass his lips as he slipped into a slot in the hospital's basement parking, Die noticed something very familiar and his heart sank, still he went on and turned off the engine of his car, took his bag and got out.  the moment his foot touched the cool glazed cement.  The shrill cry of a friend reached his ears.

 “How dare you act so superior and almighty!” 

Die kept his gaze averted and proceeded to walk past the person.    But then a hand clutched his arm tightly and spun him in such a force that he didn’t think this person was capable of.  He matched that look given.

 Eye to eye.

 Sparring with the anger they both had inside.

 Lack of sleep and hunger meshing cruelly.

 “Let me go Shinya!”

 But the younger man refused and sized him up with a viciousness that Die’s hair stood on end in defense, in reaction to what Shinya was doing…initiating.   Die knew that it was a challenge, but then again he’d love to show Shinya who he was dealing with, but he had more important things to do.  Kaoru needed him, and everything came second to that.

 “Why are you hiding him from us?”

 “I’m not, it was the request of his parents and it wasn’t my soul decision, now let go!”

 “No.  Why can’t you at least reason with them?  Why can’t you see that you’ll get a lot of things done if you let us help you!  We’re all worried about Kaoru, he’s our friend too.”

 “I’m Kaoru’s best friend, I’m not like the rest of you, I’ve known him since day one and we have been through hell together.  This accident, is not something he can handle alone.  I’m here, Kaoru and I can take care of it, together.”

“You’re an arrogant bastard!  All of us are his friends, Toshiya and Kyo and I have the right to be here as much as you!  So what if you’ve known him the longest, it doesn’t make you god!  Let us through, I’m sure Kaoru’ll appreciate that…”

 Toshiya was about to say more when Die cut him off.

 “Kaoru’s in a coma, Shinya, he needs me by his side, rather than have me arguing with you.  Excuse me.” 

He tried side stepping and walking around Shinya, but the drummer was relentless, turning quickly and following Die’s every step, Die tried ignoring Shinya but his effort was in vain, he could feel his breath and the heat given out by Shinya’s agitated form.  Stopping in front of the lift, Die pretended he was alone, and as Shinya stepped inside the lift, Die closed his eyes, he ignored him.

Only the nasal voice of the drummer shattered the weary silence of the small space.

“Why are you ignoring us?  Kaoru’s not yours.”

“This band took away my friend, my best friend, and you won’t have him back,  not until Kaoru himself tells me otherwise.” 

“Die? You’re talking nonsense, what do you mean took him away from you?”

“When you see someone you love as much as you love yourself, suffer and change right before your eyes , feel that person slowly slip away, and finally fate threatens to take him from you completely…you’ll understand, Terachi.”

Shinya was about to protest when Die whirled around and stared him right in the eye and spoke slowly…

“I told this to Toshiya and I’ll say it again…right now everyone’s a stranger, Kaoru will be visible only to his doctors and his family…”

“You’re not family Die.”

“I’m as good as family.” 

Shinya didn’t bother answering that remark he followed Die and when Die reached the hall that housed Kaoru’s room he stopped and breathed deeply.

“Please just go home, as soon as something comes up I’ll call you.”

“Die, even though I’m tired, and I want to just fade away, I can’t…from what I heard today how could I ever trust you?  Trust you to be honest with us about the condition of OUR friend,   and if you hate the band so much for taking Kaoru away, if you hate me and Toshiya and Kyo for just being dedicated to his dream…why’d you stay?!”

“Because of Kaoru.  Don’t glorify yourself Shinya, for ‘being dedicated to Kaoru’s dream’   all of you wanted to be rock stars not Kaoru’s accomplice.  I stayed because he’s my friend.”

“Now look who’s glorifying himself?”

“I don’t care what you say Shinya.  I’m just telling the truth.”

“WHAT TRUTH!  You sound so absurd Daisuke!”

“Whatever Shinya, Kaoru’s hurting, and I’m not going to waste anymore time with this.” 

“How!?  In what way did we – Kyo, Toshiya and I offend you? Tell me?” 

“You all took him for granted.” 

Shinya was silent after that.  And Die could sense that he was gaining the upper hand in this little conversation… 

“I never saw any of you, ask him how he was, or invite him for a drink, a chat…you treat him like he was made of stone, well he’s not, please…if you really cared you would have given him attention, concern and respect when he’s aware and able to appreciate it.” 

Die walked away. 

Shinya followed quietly, and stopped at a distance. 

Die opened the door to Kaoru’s room letting himself in; from the angle that Shinya had been standing at he caught a glimpse of Kaoru’s still form, lying in a darkroom illuminated only by a small lamp overhead.  Shinya could make out the tube in his mouth, and Kaoru’s hair that seemed short and the lilac of it was gone. 

Then the door closed. 

/I don’t care what happens, everybody deserves a second chance…/ 

Shinya walked over to the brown panel and pushed it open, the little splash of light, seemingly hot on his face as it touched him. 



 Where am I?  Is this my room?  Seems like it…same bed…same things…My guitar!  My first ever guitar, Agatha I missed you!   I was foolish enough to leave you behind…I’ve had so many guitars after you but none can compare, the first is always the best.


 Shouting?  Calling me…come nearer…faces…blue…orange…blonde…hair…I see them.  Hello!  I think I know each and everyone of your names.

 I’m Kaoru.

 No light.

 Screaming?  What? Nearer…Me come nearer…where?




Toshiya quietly sat down next to is friend.  Kyo had called earlier and asked if he could come by that afternoon.  To talk.  To cry.  To feel that someone was around him and not feel the roller coaster of emotions stirred by the accident.

 “Kyo, drink your tea, it’s getting cold.” 

“Yeah, thanks Toshiya.” 

“Soooo what brings you here.”  Toshiya knew that his shrill voice and joking manner did not fit the mood, but he couldn’t stand the sorrow, he just couldn’t so he transformed it into something else, just because. 

“Toshiya…I just feel terrible inside, I feel guilty without even knowing why.” 

“Don’t be, Kyo.  Kaoru himself would disagree with you.” 

“I just feel that I should have been there…” 

Toshiya’s eyes filled with sullen tears… 

“No, Kyo.  Don’t think like that, Kaoru was recording that night, please its not your fault.” 

“Don’t you feel guilty Toshiya?” 

Toshiya couldn’t answer that.  If he did then it would eat him alive.  How was he supposed to feel at the fact that it was only the second day of their break up…and Kaoru’s accident happened while he was indulging in sex with his lover, a lover he took in while still with Kaoru.  And yet, Kaoru let him go with grace and class, not blaming it on anything and anyone.  How could Toshiya answer that question, when the only thing going through his mind was that…HE should have been the one with Kaoru that night. 

It was as if Kaoru saved him from that ordeal. 

Yes he felt guilty, but Kaoru didn’t need or want the guilt, what Kaoru needed was their presence and support. 

“I-I don’t know Kyo.” Was all he could say. 

“We took him for granted Totchi, and he’s being taken away from us.” 

Toshiya shook Kyo with anger. 

“He’s not going to die, Kyo…give Kaoru a little more credit, he’s not selfish, he’s not weak!  He’ll get through this.” 

Something held true in Kyo’s statement, ‘taken for granted’ what a useless fragment, useless until it hits you in full force.  Yes, they were guilty, but Kaoru’s death was an unreasonable verdict.  He wasn’t going to die. 

“I’m  sorry.”   Kyo choked out.  Toshiya just pulled him closer in a warm hug.  That seemed irrelevant as the rain punctuated the sadness hanging over them. 

/Partly Cloudy with occasional rains. Indeed./ 

Die was about to give Mrs Niikura a little hug when he heard the heavy hospital door creak, he turned and saw Shinya poke his head inside the room.

“Get out!”  Die growled.
Shinya remained.
Die lost whatever control and stormed to where Shinya was pushing him backwards, by using the door as shield, Shinya stumbling a few steps behind and Die exiting the door in a heartbeat.  He closed the door abruptly and faced Shinya.
“I said you can’t see him.”
“Die, I’m you band mate, didn’t you see Kaoru, he needs all of us.  I’m here, his parents are here, that’s enough.”
“No it isn’t.”
“Yes it is he didn’t need you, any of you then, he doesn’t need you now!”
“I’m trying to understand you Die, trying to be patient with you because I know for a fact that he’s your best friend, but you’re getting more and more irrational!”
“Please Shinya. Leave.”
Shinya’s patience went out the window, and the temper of youth and pride of shame all drew a close on him,  he knew it would hurt Die, but he said it nonetheless.
“If you think he doesn’t need us, then he doesn’t need you all the more…you’re a burden, you glorify yourself by saying that you stayed because he’s your friend…”
as if die knew what was coming he warned Shinya…”Stop…”
but the latter continued…
“You stayed because you had nowhere lese to go Die, you live Kaoru’s life because you have no life of your own, you stayed because he let you stay because you’re HIS friend.”
“I said stop!”
Without the clarity of reason or thought.
Die hit Shinya.
A clenched fist torn from impact.  A disoriented boy in front of him struggling to get up.
Die held his fist to his chest.  Looking away as Shinya stood and continued speaking though his lips were painted in blood.
“You say we took him for granted, took a free ride hiding behind the pretense that we were dedicated to his dream…at least we did something…what did you do Die?…nothing.”
Shinya walked slowly as if trying to regain his balance, finally reaching the lift, he punched in the buttons and  disappeared under electric lights.


At the end of the hall there was a window, it took him a while to get there, mass of red hair shielding his eyes, thoughts of  what had just happened smothering him…none of them knew what he ad Kaoru had gone through before the band…none of them.
He was tired of crying and his eyes were void of anything at the moment, he stared out of the darkening skies, blinking back tears that weren’t there.  No stars, all clouds…then it began to rain.
All gray.  Quivering lips answering a nagging thought…
/What DID you do for Kaoru…What?/
“everything he asked of me…everything”



to be continued

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