"A Sense of Himself"
by Darkfrozenmind

a Kaoru (of Dir En Grey) fanfiction
no copyright infringement intended.


This took a while to write, the Flu won't go away.  

To Die fans (myself included ><), kindly read with understanding and caution, the following scenes were needed for the story and were not put there to offend him or anyone else. 

Again, it's all fiction, I took the liberty of distorting the facts.  And I don't think Kaoru's the britpop type but i think the song fit the mood, so it's a little OOC in that part.

warning : we're back to sadness and angst mode, lots of people crying in this chapter. still lots of fluffensap, i think they deserved another chapter of fluffensap.

Thanks and dedication goes out to  to Razzy-sama, Yuan-nee, NM-chan, Kako-chan, My Zar-zar and the healing/drugging effects of Tempra anti-viral medicine, I didn't actually drink it because I had to...

End of ramble...

On to the story...


Chapter  7:  Sharp Lights


There was a delicious ache in his mouth, and his neck hurt a little, it felt so tender, like the skin had been exposed to a supple torture, that one doesn't feel until it's too late. 

Kaoru thought that he had bruises trailing down his neck, turning softly, an angular movement and he was now facing Die...wincing from the minute pain that was caused by his sudden movement, Die had his eyes closed.

Kaoru's hands gently resting on Die's chest, his palm flatly feeling his warmth as it smoothed over the warm textile of Die's sweatshirt.   Peering down, Kaoru smiled as he noticed that he and Die were wearing almost the same color of clothing, his slacks, were of the same moss-green shade as Die's cargos.  

"What are you smiling at?"

Die's voice was sleepy, yet that of amused, eyes half closed but apparently looking at Kaoru.

Kaoru looked at Die and then he raised his leg to show Die the color of his pants, Die raised one of his legs too and placed it beside Kaoru's, taking note that their pants were of the same hue.  He roughly plopped his leg down over Kaoru's and hid his face in the crook of Kaoru's neck, pulling at the collar of Kaoru's sweatshirt.

Kaoru could feel Die's stifled laugh against his skin.

"What?" he amusedly asked.

"Your love for green has rubbed off on me."

"I love green."


Kaoru noticed that the color of Die's sweatshirt was red.



"You always dress up in Christmas colors?"

Die pulled away and noticed what he was wearing, and playfully whapped Kaoru's shoulder.

"Yeah, so what?"


They would have both said something, but then again their lips softly touching didn't allow it.

Both lying on the soft cushions of Die's bed, fully clothed in last night's attire.  Both didn't even have to enough sense to change before they fell asleep. A whole month of missing each other, wanting to be together, threw sense out the door.  Last night when Kaoru found his way in Die's arms, all he wanted was to stay there, to kiss him, until they succumbed to the demands of rest.

Die let himself drift off to sleep once more and Kaoru gently wiggled his toes, loving the feel of it's tips play against the warmth of his socks, little rays of sunshine seeped between the spaces of the blinds, and Kaoru tilted his head and smiled at the small miracle.

It felt right.  Everything.

As he felt Die's embrace grow tighter, he spoke.   Soft voice, caressing Die in his sleep...



"I'm home."

Die opened his eyes, searching for Kaoru's own eyes, he gently raised his hands to push away Kaoru's fringes from his eyes.

"I'm your home, Kaoru?"


"How so?"

"Home is where your heart wants to be all the while that you are away from it...this is where I always wanted to be."

"In my apartment"  Die said jokingly.

"No." Kaoru lightly pounded on Die's chest."

"Where then?"

"In your arms...with you..."

Die pouted sincerely, then he looked at Kaoru, his face serious.

"Kaoru...I'm home too, I haven't been home in a long time."

He was wistful, and Kaoru pulled him close.

When Kaoru felt Die's rhythmic breathing, he glanced down and before his eyes even rested on his face he knew that Die had fallen asleep.   Gently kissing Die's forehead, he moved away and untangling their legs, Kaoru succeeded in getting out of the bed, then walked around the apartment.


Die's apartment was roomy, the hall itself was an area filled with furniture that served a purpose, it wasn't busy, everything was functional.  A row of coat hooks on the side, an umbrella barrel at the mouth of it and a mahogany desk along the path...the mahogany desk was filled, on it's surface were grocery bags filled with letters from fans to Die, then a few mementos that fans sent as well, some bizaare, like chains and handcuffs, while others stuck with traditional sweetness and fluff like teddy bears, underwear and food.

Kaoru tried crouching and saw stacks of paper inserted in the slots, looked like sheet music to him, he tried opening the  little cabinet, and was about to succeed, when a soft knock on Die's front door was heard.   Kaoru put the task aside; but somewhere inside him he promised to look further.

Something told him that the little cabinet held something precious...to both him and Die.


Kyo looked at Shinya and Shinya looked at Toshiya as the three of them stood outside Die's apartment, it was still early, 6:00 am and the sun was already high up in the sky making it look like the sky was glaring at Tokyo.

Each of them had a small package with food inside, it was nice to visit Kaoru, they all assumed in silence as they waited for someone to open the door.

"I think we should leave them alone for today."  Toshiya whispered.

"No, they're gonna be happy to see us, we have food."  Shinya countered.

"They better open up soon, I woke up early for this!"  Kyo hissed.

"guys I think they need time together...alone, they just got together last night..."

Toshiya was about to say more.

A soft click and the sound of wood scraping over wood.

Kaoru opened the door, and as he saw them he smiled.

Toshiya looked at him from head to toe...same clothes as yesterday, sweater, pants, socks...what?


"Yes Toshiya?"

"you're fully clothed?"

"Yes...is there something wrong with that...?"

"You didn't...you know?"


Kyo cut in, wanting to go inside...

"Kaoru what Toshiya is trying to say is that, didn't you have sex with Die last night?"

Kaoru blushed madly.


All three - Shinya, Kyo, and Toshiya sighed; Toshiya more out of disappointment and the other two more out of dismay, for Toshiya's nosiness.

As they walked passed Kaoru, Toshiya threw Kaoru a passing remark.

"Urgh! and I thought Die was fast!"

Kaoru only smiled and closed the door...

"It's nice to see you too Toshiya" Kaoru finally said as he followed the three to the kitchen.


Kaoru took his place on the counter as he watched Shinya bring out the food, assisted by Toshiya.  There were various items, not really of Japanese origin, more continental, with breads and jams, and yes...fresh orange juice.

Toshiya caught the funny look in Kaoru's eyes.

"It's not my fault Kao...Shinya's on this obsessive Continental diet thingy!"

"It's a perfectly reasonable and healthy Diet!"

"Sure! says who? Your boyfriend?  you're thinner than a stick!"

"Not thin enough."


The somewhat bite-y exchange was interrupted as Kyo asked Kaoru where Die was, eliciting a curt reply from Kaoru saying that Die was sleeping.

"So how does it feel to sleep beside him...I mean you two are a couple now right?" the blonde asked.

"It feels right.  I'm happy."   kaoru couldn't have been more direct, Toshiya and shinya smiled.


A voice from the bedroom...Die sounded like he was still deep inside Lala-land.

"I'm here in the kitchen."

"Who's there?"

"The kids are home!"  Kaoru jokingly said, making the three roll their eyes.

They all heard a stumbling sound and a soft padding as a still sleepy Die appeared before them, hair ruffled and clothes wrinkled.  He rubbed his eyes and upon seeing them smiled, his true, sincere, Ando Daisuke smile.

"Hey guys..."

"Hiya there..." it was toshiya who greeted him.

"I thought Kaoru was hallucinating when he said 'kids'"

All three once again rolled their eyes, it felt good to have the tension lifted, it felt as though for the first time in months...they were a band again, able to carry out convesations and be around each other without lashing out at one another in the end.

"What's that supposed to mean, kyo asked good naturedly..."

"It means what it means...." Die retorted.

And his kitchen was filled with laughter.


"become the wind, the divine wind
and into the darkness disappear
bloom in the evening of our reunion
the glow of the firefly "

Die sat quietly as he watched Kaoru strum his purple Gibson Les Paul, identical to Die's green one, listening to him as he quietly sang words to "Hotarubi".  It was like listening to a serenade, he had almost forgotten how beautiful Kaoru's voice was.

Since the band came about in full swing, Kaoru seldom placed himself behind the mic.

Die's idea to go to the studio seemed to be a good one, having Kaoru to himself after the Toshiya, Shinya and Kyo left...he thought that a trip to the familiar place would be better than staying idle at home.

He watched Kaoru's small hands fret about the guitar, Die joined in and filled in the rhythm parts for the song. 

A dying note.

Fading...until no sound was heard...

...become the wind...

Kaoru had his eyes cast forward, his profile so apparent to Die, the redhead couldn't help but reach out and caress Kaoru's cheek with gently fingers.  Kaoru was pulled back to earth. leaning closer, his cheek pressing against die's warmth.  Die let his hand slide lower, until he was brushing his digits against Kaoru's throat; long fingers gently holding, encircling Kaoru's slim neck...then he let his touch slide down Kaoru's back; finally letting his hand rest on Kaoru's hip.

The older man had his eyes closed, loving each touch that Die gave him, he breathed in and opened his eyes; snatching a glance at Die before starting to play yet again; this time it was a foreign tune, kaoru didn't sing the words, but Die filled the music with the words in his head, following the tune as if he was singing silently; and in someway he was.

When it came to the chorus, they both sang, quietly...eyes drawn to each other; until Kaoru looked away...the words of this song, even though it was foreign...was real for him, as a human being and he felt like he was going to cry -

cradled words, gently falling...

So dont go away,
Say what you say,
Say that you'll stay,
Forever and a day,
In the time of my life,
Cos I need more time,
Yes I need more time
just to make things right

Kaoru, choked as he carefully sang, english was never a strong point, but songs were never bound to one language.  he breathed in slowly, as he felt Die's lips on his jaw, he felt it slide to his neck and he closed his eyes, letting Die touch him, this way and that...he was short of telling Die that he could do whatever he wanted with him.  Kaoru pretty much felt that Die had him on the palm of his hands...it was funny how love could quickly turn tables and kick one's world upside down.

As Die brushed his lips over Kaoru's neck gently, Kaoru in turn tilted his nech so his cheek touched Die's hair; caressing Die's cheek with a small and delicate hand.

The studio suddenly felt like their own little paradise.

Kaoru felt like he cold stay like this forever.

But forever wasn't an option...was it?


Die rubbed his hands together and exhaled trying to will himself to stay warm, as he got down from his car, he pushed the car door closed with his bum and made his way to the coffee shop right across the street, 5:00 AM and the streets were still dark, and the air absolutely freezing.

Die's hands were quite blue when he reached for the door and pushed it open.

Cafe Medici.

This was his and Kaoru's favorite coffee shop, even with all the Seattle's Best, Starbucks and Coffee California boom, they still found this place intimate and personal; something every customer would appreciate.

Getting Kaoru some Hazelnut Latte was something Die surmised as a sweet surprise for his...how would he call Kaoru?

...lover...god...not yet...*he blushed*

...best friend...?

...*technically* lover...?


Die frowned stepping inside the warmly lit establishment with only a handful of people sitting down, enjoying their coffee, he had his eyes to the ground when he accidentally bumped into someone.



When Die looked up he was sort of relieved seeing a familiar face, that the apology was readily accepted.


"Oi!  Better look where you'r going Die, I almost got severe burns, yeah?" Hakuei said cheerfully, raising his cup.

"Gomen...ne, Hakuei, why are you up so early?"

"Heh, We're recording down the street, just came out to get some coffee, I had to do an all-nighter."

"Ah that sucks..."

"Eh? What are you doing here? and why are you up so early, shouldn't you still be snuggling with Kaoru?"  Hakuei gave Die a playful smile.

"Eehhh? I thought I'd surprise Kaoru with his favorite coffee when he wakes up."

"But this place is so far Die, it's halfway across the city..."

"Ah, when Kaoru and I first moved to Tokyo and the band was still doing independent shows, we lived closer to this district, we...ah...we always put our money together and shared a cup, because this place isn't exactly cheap..."  Die gave Hakuei a rueful smile.

Hakuei felt light inside.../shared a cup...that's endearing.../

"So it has *sentimental value* for you Die?"

"Yeah...I mean even if Kaoru doesn't remember, I doubt he'll forget he likes Latte"

"Oooh, that's his favorite?"


"That's your favorite too?"

"No...I like strong coffee..."

"But you said you shared a cup before"

"I shared it with Kaoru."

And that was understood.  Hakuei found that sacrifice incredibly sweet.  Both of them realized that they've engaged in a full conversation and were slowly moving to a table in order to sit down.

"So how is he, Die?"

"He's doing okay, I took him to the studio yesterday, he had a great time singing."

"he sings??"

"Oh yeah!  He's real good."

"That's great."


Die excused himself to get a cup of his own, ordering a tall glass of black coffee.  As he slid once again to the seat across Hakuei, the blonde already had questions formulated in his mind.



"How are you, with all this?"

"I-I really don't know exactly..."


"Definitely I'm happy that Kaoru's with me, but when I see him and I feel so strongly for him, I feel so attached, I get so afraid..."


"When he gets his memory back...I know for a fact that things will change between us..."

"Die...he loves you..."

"He's also my best friend, you see Hakuei...Kaoru and I we never entertained feelings like this before the accident; it's always been platonic...I guess I never realized, until he almost died..."

"Denial can give way to good things too Die...like in yours and Kaoru's case..."

"It was good for me, Hakuei...but for Kaoru...we'll have to wait and see; he might be okay with it now...he sees me as Die - this guy he met at the hospital, who took care of him, whom he's attracted to - but when you put in the other aspects when he regains his memories...all of that will change..."

Die sighed and looked away, neglecting his coffee, he just felt the walls grow once again...He had Kaoru, but not really Kaoru...he was torn whether he wanted Kaoru to regain his memory or just stay the way he is now.

"Die...what are you going to do about your fear?"

"I love Kaoru...I'll stay with him no matter what."

"That's a brilliant plan." Hakuei said with a hushed voice.

"It scares the shit out of me though...I'm so attached to Kaoru, so in love with him...then and now...and now that he's retuning those feelings...I-I don't think I'll survive a break up."

"Oh, Die don't think like that. Toshiya said that Kaoru loves you."

"You see that's just the problem Hakuei, even if Kaoru did love me before the accident, the Kaoru I've known half my life would have never admitted it to anyone."

Hakuei could feel the weight of Die's words, how could he counter those words?  How could he reason out when this was someone who shared half of Kaoru's life.  But still, Hakuei believed that love wasn't about the past or present or future...love was every breath one took; dedicated to another...anything other than that would be nothing than a union of convenience -

"I hope that doesn't stop you from showing him all the love you have for him."

"No.  I'm going full force on this one...I'll give until it hurts, I'll crash when it ends."

"I'm sure Kaoru will do the same."


"Die...fears are little buzzers that test your strength and wit, fears are but games...call me a romantic...but love...love is the real thing."

With that Hakuei patted Die's shoulder and headed out the door, in a hurry, as if he was running late for something. 

Die slowly got up and ordered Kaoru's coffee, after paying for it, he exited a shop in such a fashion that he was watching everything...and everything seemed to be moving in slow motion, from the man about to take his next sip of coffee to the school children passing outside the glass door about to go to school.  He stepped outsid and the air wasn't so cold anymore, a few rays of sunlight shooting holes in the sky. 

It was panoramic.


Almost 10:00 AM.

Die was breathless.

Kaoru's coffee was cold, the cream jumbled into a spoilt cluster.

Die rushed to the front door of his apartment and jammed the keys into the lock, hurriedly opening the door.

"Kaoru?  it's me Die!  I'm sorry, I went out to get you coffee....you know from Cafe Medici...but there was a blasted road block caused by a broken tanker, gomen, I just got us take away from Mc Donald's, we can just reheat this coffee...(Die eyed the cup he had in his hand with mock disgust - feeling humorous)"

Die waited for a reply, usually a grunt from Kaoru or a mumbled reply was enough, but there was no answer, he narrowed his eyes and softly placed the items in his hands on the counter before carefully heading for the bedroom...


No answer.

Die took hurried steps to the hall, stopping dead in his tracks at what he saw.

Kaoru was sitting cross legged on the floor in front of the mahogany desk, part of him was barred by the open cabinet, his eyes focused on a sheet of paper he was reading.  Die felt the fear creep in, an old ghost he wished would stop haunting him.  Kaoru still had his eyes focused on the paper but his hands then moved raising the pink crumpled sheet of what looked like a hospital bill.

Kaoru's voice was solemn.

"Die...I had pneumoinia?"

Die didn't want to answer Kaoru, somehow he knew where the conversation would lead, somehow he knew that Kaoru was going to stowly untangle the knots inside him and see who he was inside.


"Ah...yeah, you had that one bad Kaoru."

"The bill cost a lot."

"Yeah...you're dad was drained."  an outright lie.

"He didn't spend for it." Kaoru raised the other sheet he was reading.


"Die, my dad was thanking you in this letter for  paying for my bills.  I called him just a few minutes ago before you arrived and he said that indeed, YOU paid for it."

"He paid me back Kaoru, it's no big deal..."

"That's not the issue...where'd you get the money?"

"I borrowed it from my parents, and when your Dad payed me...I gave it back."

Die slowly made his way to Kaoru, he sat behind him, legs outstretched, his back resting against the wall.

"Are you telling me the truth?"

"Yes, why would I lie?"

Kaoru leaned forward and got something inside the cabinet, his hands feeling for something, something one would disregard if one didn't know what the object meant.  Kaoru grasped the slim card and tossed it behind him, Die caught it with ease and upon seeng it, he froze, no he had forgotten about it...he thought he'd gotten rid of it.

"That's a card, etched silver used in a prostitute circle owned by Moraki."  Kaoru said knowingly, he continued...

"He takes in young men to be sold as prostitutes all throught out my home town; we lived in the same town right?"


"Was that your name in the Moraki's circle?" Kaoru asked referring to a name etched on the card.


"Did you join because of the money?"


"Did you use the money to pay for my hospital bills?"


"How long were you part of that circle?"

"Until I could pay Moraki back..."

"How long was that?"

"A few months...when your Dad payed me, I gave it instantly to Moraki."

Die's eyes were cast at a distance but he willed himsef not to cry, he swore a long time ago that what happened with Moraki would never break him, would never bother him.

"I'm sorry."  It was Kaoru's voice, so silent that Die almost never heard it, Kaoru had his head bowed.

Die came closer, resting his head on Kaoru's nape, he felt safe feeling his chest against Kaoru's back, his heart beating against him.

"Don't be, Kaoru...please...we were poor that time, I-I tried asking my parents for money but they refused me...and you were so sick....Kao...I didn't want to lose you..."



"I need to know what happened..."

"You promised me then that you wouldn't ask, please Kaoru let's just not talk about it..."

"I need to know."

Die buried his face on Kaoru's back, eyes brimming with tears, if he refused to tell Kaoru, it would fester their relationship with doubts, lies, and pain.  If he told him...there was a cahnce of losing him...again.  It was a no-win situation and he trembled against Kaoru, his hands finding their way to clutch on the shirt that Kaoru wore.

Kaoru stayed silent, silently offering his right hand...he held his breath...and upon hearing the first few syllables of die's words, Kaoru exhaled and listened, a smile passing his lips as he felt Die take his hand and grip it as if letting it go would kill him.

"...it was painful at first...I never did anything like it...my f-first night, this guy came in a room I was assigned to, he wasn't old, he looked like he was in his 30s...he made me kiss him - everywhere, and I had no right to refuse...Moraki stressed that over and over...whatever the client wanted...and when he was fucking me...he made me say that I loved him....first quietly then he made me shout out his name..."

Die's voice trembled as he recalled the hateful memory...he held Kaoru's hand tighter.  Kaoru's tears were skimming at the corners of his eyes...all this pain...this nightmare that Die had to live with...was because of him...and he didn't even have the decency to remember... Kaoru gently turned and wrapped his arms around Die...as Die cried on kaoru's shoulder.

"Kaoru...I-I wanted you to be the first to take me...I wanted your name to be the one I cried out when I came...but I had no choice...I didn't want to come for that stranger...I...could barely stand up after...But Moraki kept accepting bids...he had someone clean me up to take another and another and another...everyone wanted a taste of *fresh meat*..."


Die sniffled but he continued...if Kaoru wanted to hear it then he'd say all of it that he's held inside him for so long...the reason, the sacrifice he made, the tie that bound him to Kaoru.

"It didn't end there...night after night...I'd do the same thing...I'd let someone fuck me, I'd fuck someone, I'd suck someone off, it's all routine..."

He let the tears fall.  It was never just routine.

"Did they hurt you..."

"Kaoru, being there was hurting me enough...but as to battery...no...Moraki took in family men tired of fucking their wives, he never took in the fetish-driven..."

He felt kaoru's hold on him, tighten.

"I love you."

Die had wanted to hear that for so long...but now that kaoru had said it, why was it so unbelievable, why did it feel like Kaoru was just saying it out of pity.  He let go of Kaoru, even as he felt him hold on tighter, he pushed him slowly away, and got up...gentle movement and quiet words thrown at kaoru's direction...

"Could you fix that, Kaoru (referring to the mess of papers around the desk)...I'll make us lunch..."

"Die, I love you..."

"Kaoru...those are my things...I-I'd appreciate it if you not touch them..."

And Die was gone.

Leaving Kaoru in tears....Die loved him, right?

/What have I done?/

Kaoru breathed in short gasps,as he cried picking up the pieces of paper scattered on the floor.


Eating alone.

Die left.

After he was done preparing the meal.

He left.

Kaoru sat alone, he had barely touched his lunch.

Three O'Clock PM would anyone still call it lunch.

All he wanted and needed was Die.

Time flew and Kaoru's shadow shifted from his left to his right.

In the same seat.

Until his shadow melted with the darkness.

He didn't have the strength to move.


He drove his car endlessly circling the city, attempting to drive away, then coming back to the same route.  His crimson fringes falling, sticking to his cheeks where tears  had dried.  Why had he said those things to him?  Why did he allow himself to break down and  relived the story and image of that hateful ghost.

Why hadn't he answered Kaoru, when he said those words?

He wanted to be brave.  But he wasn't.

All he could really hear was Kaoru saying he loved him, see his face solemn...sincere.

Hadn't he told Hakuei that he'd be there to love Kaoru til the end...hadn't Hakuei said that Kaoru would do the same?

When he finally thought that they had stopped gong round in circles, Die realized that he was the one still running.  And it had to stop at one point.

Now was a good time.

At the next avenue, Die made a slow and careful turn, going down a familiar road.  So familiar because it was the same road going home.


The place seemed abandoned when he got to his apartment, taking off his shoes.   For a while, Die feared that Kaoru would leave, ask Kyo, Shinya or Toshiya to pick him up...but it made his heart sink that he stayed, because as he opened the front door he saw flickers of light coming from the CD Player in the living room.

He gently clicked it off.

Heading straight for the bed room, Die peeped and saw that it was empty.


He was about to turn around when he felt gentle arms enveloping him from behind.  A kiss planted on his nape.

"Die, why do you always leave me?"

He closed his eyes.

"I'm sorry, Kaoru."

The silence between them was inevitable...despite all the tears both were not done crying.  Not yet, for all the pain that Die kept, and the pain that Kaoru was only realizing now.

"Die..." he sniffled.

"Yes, Kao?"

"Did I not ask you back then...about the money?"

"You did."

"Did I ask you how you were..."

"Yes...but I begged you not to force me to talk about it."

"And I never did."


"What else did I do?"

"You held me so close that night, just like what you're doing now."

Kaoru closed his eyes and held Die tighter.



"I love you so much."


I coined in songs from DEG and
Oasis for this chapter, specifically
"Hotarubi"  and
"Don't Go Away"



to be continued

back to DEG fics page 3