"A Sense of Himself"
by Darkfrozenmind

a Kaoru (of Dir En Grey) fanfiction
no copyright infringement intended.


"Sometimes pain is all you have, all you'll ever have." - nice Paraverbal for this chapter.

For Razzy-sama, Yuan-nee, NM-chan, Kako-chan and Zarzar ...thank you for everything.

On to the story...


Chapter 8: The science of hiding


His eyes flluttering, as the stark of green filled his senses.

As the sky melted with the leaves that so fervently obscured it.

To Kaoru, this sense of excitement and adventure was something new, yet deep down inside something told him that it was bound to happen.   He let his hands glide up to Die's neck, as Die kissed his neck in hard, brusque strokes.  Kaoru had to lean backwards, letting their bodies move together in manner unknown to anyone else.

It was their sweet pre coital position, and nothing more. Unmasked.  A given.

Given the scene, Kaoru felt like he was going to faint.

He breathed in, his breath making his weight shift and he felt the bonnet of Die's car slowly dent, he had this humorous ache inside, sure that Die was going to go ballistic...later, but not right now.  He felt like a teenager on a first date on "lover's hill"  it was surreal.

Kaoru pulled back as Die stopped for crinkled whisps of air, making eye contact he smiled at him and let his hands go to Die's ruby hair and pull out the band that held it in a ponytail, watching as Die's hair gently fell on his shoulders.

In this wide open space, he felt safe.



Die didn't know when and where he kissed Kaoru again.  He was more important than breath, and the intervals that made him break away were seconds of agony.  Looking at him against the backdrop of this place...it made his heart skip a beat.

They used to go and spend time on this hill, just outside Tokyo, play their guitars until they both found that perfect note to make a melody.  He was right beside him when all the notes found their place in a composition made by this man in his arms.

There was no denying anything, there was't even a question anymore about what they felt.

It was natural.

After they made up, Die wanted to take Kaoru somewhere special...even if he didn't remember, the thought of making it special all over agin was enough.

Pulled back from reverie, Die gasped as he felt Kaoru kiss and suck gently on his collarbone, he hadn't noticed it, but Kaoru was able to gently unbutton and slide off his shirt out of one shoulder.  It was nearly the crack of dawn when they got here and the shadows and light battling to escape heaven made a dramatic scene, over two bodies taking what they can from each other...

because they must.

Because it was the only thing they could  do.

The need to be with each other was a greater force to reckon with than the risk of losing Kaoru or Kaoru losing Die, over the past few months they've endured both.

They kissed for everything they needed, wanted and missed from each other.

The sequel to a thousand preludes.

Die was glad he came back that night, Kaoru was glad he stayed.

The need to be in each other's arms. No force was greater.



And finally the sky tore itself and morning bore that usual chill, in time with the soft ring of Die's watch; an alarm.

A reminder that he and Kaoru had  other things to do that day.

But the portrait was the same; Kaoru sitting on the bonnet of Die's car, wrapped in Die's arms.  Die standing between Kaoru's legs, and his lover's head softly resting on his chest. 

Die didn't even know how long they'd been there, he didn't care.  Smiling softly as he looked at Kaoru's sleeping form; gently he squeezed his shoulder...and smiled as Kaoru pouted with his eyes closed.  If this was going tobe a ritual whenever they had afight...Die told himself he could surely get used to the *making-up* part.  Kaoru squirmmed and stretched softly; a movement so graceful that Die found himself kissing Kaoru's temple.

"Kao, wake up..." Die said against Kaoru's skin.

"Mmhmm...what time is it?"

"Six AM, we have a doctor's appointment in three hours."

"Hai."  Kaoru gently nodded and made a move to stand up, grateful that as he shifted Die's hand found his to guide him.


He looked up.

"You're gaining weight."


Die pointed to the miniscule dent.

Kaoru laughed mock-bitterly and swatted Die's shoulder.  the couple sharing smiles as they got in the car. 



The thin whisps of white smoke lingered. The blonde lazily taking the stick from the ashtray as he put it between his augmented lips and sucked in the flavor.

Kyo winced as he let the smoke travel down his throat before exhaling.

He then suddenly had the urge to jolt-kick the person across from him.

Unlucky Shinya.


"Sorry, but I'm bored."

"It doesn't mean you have to kick me."

"I was making conversation!"

"Figures...what a barbarian."  Shinya rolled his eyes.

Kyo looked at Shinya and tried to regain the eye contact.

"Why are you looking at me that way Kyo?"

"I have an idea."


"We start practice officially on Monday."


"Today's a friday."


"Let's give a party for leader-san's return. the whole thing...guests and booze!"

"But would Kaoru appreciate that?"

"Of course he will, if he doesn't then he's an ingrate."

"Right." Shinya said mocking Kyo.

"Well what do you say?"

"Fine, I'll call Toshiya.  He knows more about parties than we do."

"Good plan."

At that moment Kyo eaned in and pecked Shiya's cheek softly then stood up and went straight to his flat's kitchen.  Shinya remained seated, dumbly reaching for the cheek where Kyo had kissed him.  It seemed like nothing to the blonde...but why did he feel that it wa more than a friendly gesture.



"Thank you for coming today Kaoru, I'll see you in two weeks."

"Dr. Satoshi, Thank you." 

Kaoru bowed gratefully at the doctore before slowly turning and making his way to the door, and upon opening there was a certain safety in there...because he saw Die sitting quietly in a chair looking at the daily paper.

Die immediately looked up when he felt Kaoru, smiling he stood up.

"How was it?"

"Eveything's okay."


"My internal injuries are healing fine."

"That's good...Did he mention anything..."

"Die...mention what?"

"anything...about your memory..."

"No...it's still the same..."



He fell short of words...what else could he say...both of them started walking.

"When it comes back Kaoru, what will become of us?"

Kaoru was anticipating that question, a question he thought about quite frequently.  If he heals fully what will become of them...it was a battle of the mind against the heart...if he loved him then and god knows he loved him now...there was nothing to worry about, right? 

Kaoru didn't want to lie to himself; because in truth he didn't know the answer; what he'd do when all the memories and the life he and Die shared as best friends started flooding back.  He stopped, noticing that they were in the parking lot.

"I don't know what's going to happen...I don't want to lie to you...I don't know; I can only say that I love you...that's how I feel inside."

Die smiled sadly.

/You love me now.../

"Some little voice inside me keeps saying that this is all going to end when you get your memory back..."

"Die, please don't start..."

"When will we ever talk about this Kaoru?"

"I don't want to talk about it."


"Because if getting my memory back means losing you...then I don't want to remember at all!"

Kaoru had let go of his temper, he had raised his voice so that he caught the attention of a few people.  Kaoru had also put up his walls, and as he saw that Die was about to say something, he turned and walked to the car.   soles of his shoes brushing against the rough cement.

Die followed and pushed the alarm button, unlocking all the doors.  Without waiting for him, Kaoru got inside the car and proceeded to put on his seatbelt.  He remained silent, his jaw clenched and his body tense.   As soon as Die took his place on the driver's seat, and shut the door, Kaoru spoke.   His tone terse, yet low, his demeanor pleading...

"Die, we just fought last night, i don't want to fight anymore, I just wnat us to be together."

"I'm sorry, I just feel so afraid sometimes, that i'm going to lose you..."

"You'll always have me.  And if i am foolish to fall away from you when i get my memory back...remember that it's my loss, that I'm the idiot."

It took a while for Die to reply.  How could he tell Kaoru that no matter how everything turned out, it would still be his loss, that he loved him more than himself.  Instead of an argument, despite the tug at his heart, he stopped himself.

"You're not an idiot Kaoru."

There was no answer, just his body held by Kaoru, so close that he breathed in his scent.  Whiffed the sadness that lingered between them.


Kaoru whispered.


"Toshiya told me that I loved you then...and I love you now..."

The redhead closed his eyes holding on to every word.



The drive back to the aprtment was quiet.  Die drove carefully as Kaoru drifted from sleep to wakefulness every now and then.  die could tell that he was exhausted.  he was about to reach for Kaoru when he heard his mobile bleep.


"Die, tis Totchi."

"Hey there!  We just came from the doctor."

"Oh, what did he say?"

"Kaoru's healing perfectly."

"Oh good!  Then you won't mind what i'm about to tell you!"

Die's brow creased.

"What is it?"

"We're going to give him a surprise party!!!!"

Die's lips curled into a smile.

"Sounds like fun, what am I supposed to do?"

"NOTHING!!!  The two of you should just show up at the studio at around 8 PM!  Oh and Penicillin's performing...for free!"

"performing what?"

Toshiya rolled his eyes, though unseen on the other line.

"That is so not funny Die!"


"Oh well!  tomorrow then!"


"KO!  Ja!"

As Die flipped his phone shut, he noticed that Kaoru was looking at him, a subtle hint of a smile gracing his face.

"Who was that?"

"It was Toshiya...he says there's going to be a meeting at the studio tomorrow evening, managment is gonna re-evaluate band options, before we start rehearsing again on Monday."

Kaoru gently rubbed his temples.


he closed his eyes the rest of the ride home.



Hakuei stood by the mic stand and checked for feed back time and again, while Chisato (Chisa-chan! Kisu!) annoyed Ojiro by continuosly tapping the crash cymbal with the neck of his guitar, displacing the instrument to the dismay of the musician who was going to use it.  Gisho remained silent sitting by an amplifier tuning his bass.

Toshiya was busy with instructions to the caterers as Shinya was busy talking on the phone, and Kyo busy chatting with common friends that he invited.  There were other high profile personalities that came, Kaoru's friends that were glad that a party Welcoming him back had transpired.  Sugizo, Mayu, Ryutaro, Kiyoshi, Inoran (TENSHI!) and even the very elusive Tak Matsumoto made an appearance.

From the outside the studio looked like just an ordinary room inhabited with the illuminated windows and buzz of life from within...it looked inviting to Die only because he knew who were inside, and as he parked the car he smiled at Kaoru.


Like always.

"Hai"  Kaoru answered diligently.

He stepped out of the car, and shut the door, letting the chill of the night wind caress his face as he waited patiently for Die.   He was quietly surveying his view when he felt a light tap on his shoulder, startled Kaoru turned to see who it was.

He stood there, a moment longer before he responded to the person's curt greeting.  as his eyes focused on him, some distant flashes passed before him like speeding photographs blurring his view...he couldn't make out the images, but they were there...awakened by this person...this breathing catalyst.

"H-hello, K-Kisaki?"

The other man bowed, every movement graceful, and proud.

"I heard what happened to you and I would just like to say I'm relieved your alright. and may you recover fully. Kaoru...san."

"Thank you..."

"I wish you well Kaoru-san."

It was at that moment that Die had gotten out of the car and as he shut his door, caught site of a familiar face.  He froze, but quickly regained his senses and strode to Kaoru's side, his mere presence was like a warning to their former bassist.


"Konbanwa" Kisaki coolly answered, his gaze locked with Kaoru.

Die persisted..."how'd you know where to find Kaoru?"

"I'm recording with my band there..." Kisaki pointed to the studio across the street...A small world indeed.

"...i just wanted to send my well wishes to Kaoru."

He narrowed his eyes at Die before bowing and turned around.

Die put his hands inside his jacket pockets and nudged Kaoru, as if signalling him that they should go inside.  Kaoru looked at Die and smiled, that smile held more than an affirmation, he took a step forward and called out to his former bandmate.


The dark beauty turned, eyes fixed on Kaoru.

"Thank you, I appreciate it."

Kisaki smiled and turned around once again. disappearing from view as he crossed the street, where shadows converged, where the light of the street lamp falied to touch its surface.

Die looked at Kaoru sadly, it was another dagger, slicing his heart open...

/You remember Kisaki, that ingrate...but you still don't remember me...Oh Kaoru.../

His thoughts put to a halt as Kaoru took his hand and led him to the door, knocking and then turning to him again, pushing his face to Die's chest.

It was in that position that Kyo saw them as he opened the door and as the couple entered a smoldering sound of familar voices greeted him, welcoming him back to his world...his territory.

He bowed graciously,and returned tothe security of Die's arms, he didn't notice that he was shaking not until he felt Die's worried look, he gave him an unconvincing smile, and he closed his eyes, controlling the darkened images that refused to stop moving in his view...he held on to Die tightly...he felt his knees weaken, and then everything went black.

The sound of worry, Die's gasp...questions flung at his direction seemed distant as he felt himself go deeper into the unknown darkness that finally found him.


Who are you?



to be continued

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