"A Sense of Himself"
by Darkfrozenmind

a Kaoru (of Dir En Grey) fanfiction
no copyright infringement intended.


Part Nine - containing a risque content:  At last I had the gull to churn out another chapter, this will also be my apology for taking so long.  I don't want to cheapen it but I do have to declare that it's a lemon (between whom, please read). 

For Razzy, Yuan, NMajik, Kako and Zar.  Thank you for everything.

Lyrics used by Puddle of Mudd.

Before i give you the story though; all my gratitude to Razzy for showing me the way and then letting me get lost in the woderful world of Jrock.  This story is dedicated to her because she loves Die so much ^__^  and Sis, this is what I can give and leave you with, while i go hunting.

On to the story...

Chapter 9 : The humblest artisan

Waiting was getting to be a traumatic occurrence for Die.

Every now and then, his thoughts would wander to what happened a few months before and he felt like throwing a tantrum.  In these familiar halls, with that familiar antiseptic smell.  Back in this hospital, back to square one.  

Toshiya stood a foot away from where the redhead claimed space.

Shinya clustered in a corner of the lounge couch and Kyo sitting across from him, both silent, and effervescent gazes shared in stolen chances.

Toshiya couldn't help but reach out and touch Die's arm, let him know that he too was worried; that he was there for both him and Kaoru.  The mood had been set and there was nothing left to do but wait.


Die hated the concept.

But for now it was all anyone could do.  And that constriction in his chest was just getting to be too much; faltering with words, even his eyes failed to deliver whatever message he wanted to put across...Die bowed his head and stepped back. Feeling the warmth of Toshiya's hand disappear.  Retreating to that silent and lonesome misery.


Without Kaoru.


No one took note of the minutes that passed, no one knew the hours that drifted as they waited for an answer, Die had confined himself to a comfortable chair, out of range and sight from his band-mates' view.  He quietly jotted insignificant scenes that happened that night - from Kisaki, to the party, reliving once again the horror of watching Kaoru lose consciousness in his arms, the way his body went limp and knowing that there was nothing he could do about it.

They were doing fine.  God they were doing well, they were trying to live a normal life...and now this.  It would be nice to get some answers - to know if Kaoru's loss of consciousness was caused by his physical injuries, or if it was due to exhaustion...or if it had something to do with his mental healing...was this the start/  Is he starting to remember...?

A surge of cryptic assurance came about him.

Die felt the ice wrap about his spine.  Was he ready for this?

He couldn't have had an immediate answer.

A calm yet stern voice sliced through the silence and Die looked up.

There stood Kaoru's doctor, and behind him stood Toshiya, and behind Toshiya was Kyo and beside him stood Shinya.  All of them save the good doctor wore expectant faces, wondering what had happened...

Die took the initiative to stand and nodded politely.

Die felt every muscle in his neck move as he gently streamed with what the doctor was saying, each movement from him was like an affirmation, yet he knew nothing to approve, he watched from the corner of his eye as his band mates quietly listened, a shed tear from Toshiya - more from relief than anguish.

The tail end of their brief exchange held more meat than the explanation - that subtle balance of doctor speaking to the related; it was an almost inaudible declaration of fear.

"Will this be painful for him, doctor?"

"Physically?  No.  Kaoru's healing perfectly, but these signs of him gaining his memory will take a toll on him emotionally; the surge of all these information may cause more fainting; it would be best if he wasn't left alone."

Die nodded silently.

"Could there be a chance that he forget completely any *new* memory he has now, once the old memories take their place in his consciousness?"

"No, son, it won't...but the logically speaking it will definitely cause a change of perspectives, with a gap between his past and his present; it is up to Kaoru though how he will make the connection."

Die bowed, his head...

"Was Kisaki's presence a major factor?  he was the last person kaoru spoke to before we went to the party...he used to be a member of the band?"

"It could be that Kaoru identified Kisaki with a significant aspect of the past...making him a very likely catalyst for kaoru to start remebering..."

Die breathed.

"Once Kaoru gains his memory, it would be nice.  he'll feel complete..."

Dr. Satoshi gently squeezed the redhead's shoulder.

"It isn't the memory of one that gives a person a sense of completeness, Die-san; it isn't always the case...but yes it would be nice to have that full grasp of oneself through memory."

Die softly bowed in gratitude, mimicked by his band mates who made a stance of silence and let die do all the talking; alas, the pieces were coming together; and when they did there were going to be cracks; and it was up to Kaoru to fill in those cracks.

Whether it was in Die's favor or not; none of them were too sure.


It felt weird looking at him from that angle, his face was soft, his jaw relaxed...and still his pillow wasn't the right one.  The doctor had finally allowed all of them inside the hospital room that Kaoru occupied.  And after wishing  an unconscious Kaoru well, Toshiya decided that taking Shinya and Kyo home would be advisable.  Die quietly saw them out the door.  Watching listlessly as he saw them disappear through the halls.

But deep inside he felt the strength with the absence of defiance.

It was different now, than what he did to them after Kaoru's accident; the anger, fear and the possessiveness smeared his whole being, and he needed Kaoru to be with him, for him to be Kaoru's only universe; until that day when fate told him that the whole universe could be Kaoru's all except him.

But they were able to bridge that.  Kaoru found his way in his arms, had he not?

Now there was no rhyme and reason to possess him; Kaoru would have to make that decision...his defiance had no place and frankly sharing the burden was a relief.

Die squinted his eyes, as he rested his back on the soft back panel of the armchair beside Kaoru's bed.  About to fall asleep when he felt the soft rustling of the immaculate hospital sheets.  He lifted his head to find Kaoru looking at him, his expression tired, but his eyes glowed...die couldn't make out if it was relief or recognition; maybe both.

Die tentatively leaned, hesitant as to what Kaoru wanted him to do, as to what side of Kaoru he was dealing with - past or present.

Only after Kaoru reached out and touched his jaw, then gently pulled him - did he respond with abandon and kissed him; a soft lip dance that Die wished would last a moment longer as soon as he felt Kaoru pull away; he pursued those lips still and basked in Kaoru's taste...then...then he pulled away.

Kaoru had his face tilted to the side.


"Were you scared, Die?"

"Scared doesn't even describe how I felt."

"I was scared."

Die found Kaoru's hand and held it tight.  

"What scared you?"

"There were...there were just so many images coming at me; they moved so fast and they were black coming at me from all directions and then I saw faces...some I knew some I didn't..."

"Kao...they might be the memories you lost in the accident...you're starting to remember."

"Is that what the doctor said?"

"Yes, he's pretty sure about it."

"I'm afraid."

"Don't be, I'll be here."

"Will you?"

"yes, Kaoru, I will."

There was an indignant look in Die's eyes as he looked at Kaoru.

"Even if I start remembering who you are to me..."

"We didn't have a bad relationship before...and yes even if."

"You used to have deep brown hair Die."


"Before you dyed it red."


"That's all I remember now Die, that you used to have deep brown hair...as brown as your eyes."

And then Kaoru closed his eyes, with Die staring at him torn between smiling and crying; where would they go from there - he felt Kaoru clutch his hand tighter - he'd hold on til he crashed.


The pen seemed so small in his hands and the ink blotted a couple of times as he signed Kaoru's release papers.  Dressed in slacks and a large cardigan, Kaoru quietly stood behind Die as he finished up with the paperwork.  Die was still dressed in yesterday's clothes.

Kaoru couldn't help it as he reached out and rubbed Die's back with a loving hand, as the  taller man leaned over the counter making out the words of the papers he was signing.  As Kaoru felt Die's deep exhaling he smiled a bit.

"Are all those things necessary I think I signed about  a dozen forms...it's not like I'm kidnapping you..."

There was a playful tone in Die's voice, as he watched Kaoru walk beside him keeping up with his pace...he took a side-step closer, feeling his bicep come in contact with Kaoru's shoulder.

That was all he needed.


To feel Kaoru anyway he can.


He felt like a drop of water lost among a million other drops, flowing through the currents. The cool solution bringing him closer to consciousness; as if his soul had sunk into the depths of a deep and dark river.  He fought with the swirling force, endured the tumbling and bumps as his eyes felt the cold sting; and then he slowly opened them...

to find *him* 

see *him*

 listen to *him* 

 speak to *him* 

in all recognition.

It was the strangest dream.  And he woke up with Die by his side, sleeping close by him face so close and eyes shut and the color of exhaustion upon his face.  Kaoru blinked a few times before shifting closer to Die, he wore no shirt so Kaoru could feel his cool skin, as if cool water had just run over it.

He pushed his face closer to Die's cheek to cheek and let his breath take Die's breath, to share the air between them.

Before he drifted off to sleep yet again.

There were sounds, floating around him, but then he felt the vibrations within and he knew that some sounds were coming from him.  What it meant ?  He didn't know.  Wherever he was he wished that *he* was with him, remembering a childhood spent pretending, dreaming, wanting to be the perfect gods of an imperfect heaven. Dreams of thunder and lightning - a smile-kissed upon by a seal of music and Rock and roll.  

Where had the dream taken him...

Who are you?





A thousand images pouring forth yet again, and he could feel each one tear at him.

 A familiar face yet again.


Who we are

What we are

I can see.

A thousand images pouring forth.

Kaoru jolted with such force that even as his eyes opened he felt the strain of muscles swerving within.  He breathed heavily as he let his eyes adjust in the darkness.  He could feel beads of sweat forming on his brow.  He parted his lips to take in air when he noticed *him*; soft gleam of his eye watching him closely, a shadow observing him.

Die had woken up as Kaoru dreamt, the sounds of his pleas, his confusion...waking the redhead from a deep slumber, rousing him from exhaustion to bare witness to Kaoru - remembering, though subconsciously, Die could hear him spew out a past he knew so well; because he was in them.  He had no other alternative but to ask.

It was pathetic and desperate.

But then again this was Kaoru.

He was always desperate...for him.


Die carefully brushed away soft brown hair from Kaoru's forehead.  Trying to catch his eye in the greyish room; it was too early for the sun, yet too late for the moon.

Pelts of rain sounded outside their *home* and Die whispered sweet nothings in Kaoru's ear.  To make sure that he knew that he was there like he promised.

"You had a pretty bad dream Kaoru..."

"I know, it was dark and the images never stopped coming towards me, but this time they felt solid, they hurt..."

"Cold you make out the images?"

"At first they were swirls of black and white...but as I hurt more and stared harder I could make out the images..."

Die swallowed in anticipation...he wanted Kaoru to remember...he didn't want Kaoru to remember...

"Kao, who...what did you see?"


Kaoru's tears had broken forth and he choked in the dark; alarming die who pulled him to a sitting position, holding him from behind, arms secure around Kaoru's waist, lips kissing Kaoru's shoulder...

"It's okay Kao...what did you see?"

"I saw you...and me...as children...as teenagers...I saw a lot of images just you and me...as friends...Die...we were so close, were we that close?  Like brothers..."

"Yes. We were...inseparable."


"Because I chose."

"You chose what?"

"To be with you."

Kaoru shook his head, and hid his face in his hands.

"And where do I come in Die?"

"What did I choose?"

"You chose to live your dreams, Kaoru."

"And you...followed."

There was silence after that, Kaoru could feel Die's lips on his hair, but now that the memories were coming in force; he had to be sure where he stood in all of it; beyond this security he felt, there was a whole identity to be filled; and at that point Kaoru felt the weight of his crisis.  Most of all he felt the weight of his sins against this man that held him...Die.

"Do you remember me wholly?  Kaoru..."

Stunned he turned to face him.


"Will this end if you do?"

He took Die's wrists in his hand.

"Die I love you..."

"Just tell me the truth Kaoru...I don't need your pity..."

"I love you...please believe me, it won't change..."

Die often wondered if it was because he knew Kaoru too well that he could smell, feel and taste a lie whenever it came from Kaoru.  He felt his tears sting his eyes.

Tired of this.

Weary of this battle.

"Kaoru stop!"

For a moment the struggle ceased.

"Don't lie anymore...you said once that you're not sure...we're both here now facing this fact...do you stand by your statement...will things change?"

"No, I don't want it to change."

And Die felt Kaoru's hand slide fro his wrist to his arm.

"Would you like it to change, Die?"

Die struggled hard, almost knocking Kaoru off him; only Kaoru held on to him tight.

"It's not in my hands Kaoru...it's all up to you."

With a final burst of whatever strength he had left Kaoru tried to regain force over Die.

"Why won't you let me in...love you freely...don't spoil it with cynicism..."

"It's all I have..."


"I don't know if I can survive it...if you go..."

die started crying, silent sobs and jerking movements partnered to break free from Kaoru's grasp...again, it was all he could do, run away.  Kaoru only pulled him closer despite the ache in his tired body, he pulled him close enough to crush his lips against Die's.

Die's lips felt like burning honey against his own, so when he tasted it was addictive, a few moments of flesh melting into flesh and Kaoru let his tongue slide within the crevice of Die's  mouth, running the softly over each surface and crack, memorizing each contour.

The red head found the assault enticing, and even though he felt like struggling, just knowing it was Kaoru that was doing this to him, he closed his eyes and kissed back, eventually letting Kaoru's hands  slide from his arms to his  sides; Die could feel the urgency in him, his kiss grew desperate, as their tongues fought, yet caressed at the same time.

A copper taste of blood filling their mouths...who was bleeding...neither one of them cared.

Moving with lithe rhythm and fierce countenance, Die felt his hands pinned over his fiery hair, Kaoru moving above him - as the kisses moved from his jaw to his neck.  his body had reacted to the assault in a quick and longing way, feeling his hard-on press against Kaoru's thigh.

NO additional theatrics and the need to let him know, Kaoru never really knew when he took his clothes off, and started lowering himself unto Die, going past the excruciating pain of being claimed, that action was his voice at the time that Die heard none...maybe if he felt his love he'd for once reply.

With thrusts moving inside and out, not minding the wounds that would stay for days he moved, pounded against Die...the redhead caught in unnerving bliss as he  tried to reverse their positions while returning Kaoru's given rhythm.  At one point Kaoru gagged, that deceitful need for air, making him stop his actions, allowing Die to  push him on the bed and taking him at his own angle, and pace.

they said it would end in explosions and stars dancing in one's eyes...At his final thrust and as he spilt his come within Kaoru, the stars were melted into nothing but tears.  Kaoru kept his eyes on Dies' face and at that moment he felt his seed spill between them he looked away.

It was supposed to be perfect when two people loved each other.  It was supposed to be divine.

It wasn't supposed to be about pity.

It wasn't supposed to be about explanations.

After all that was done and spilt...

Die had  found it offensive , and he pushed Kaoru away.  far enough that he was able to maneuver and stand by the bed.

"Don't pity me Kaoru!  Don't insult me! stop hurting me..." a plea ending with a whisper.

Then he walked away.

Kaoru watched him leave...he let himself fall on his back , closing his eyes...hearing Die's footsteps grow faint from their distance.

/you left me...again.../


When dreams fail to silence the nightmare, what should one do?  Where should one go?

He was scared.

The journey of one's mind is the congruent reality...wherever that journey takes him, he hoped against hope that Kaoru would be okay.  Looking at him like this, sleeping yet wincing.  He's known him far too long to know the signs of his discomfort.  What was really hurting Die was that fact  that he couldn't do anything about it.  

It was something that Kaoru had to go through alone, in his head, in his heart.  It wasn't a simple discomfort of having the wrong pillow or being cold in the middle of the night.  it wasn't something he could remedy with a kiss or a touch.

Kaoru was coming to terms with who is - who he was then.  Bridging that gap that the accident caused, making that connection of finally gaining a sense of himself; who he is to others. Finally.

This was what he wanted all the while, this was what Die wanted ever since the accident.  And now that it was here, now that it was pouring forth before him, the fear was overwhelming.  The uncertainty of it made his stomach turn; and at this point Die knew nothing else but to crumble where he was seated, face hidden in folded arms, letting his tear-stained face wet his pale arms.  His sobs absorbed as his lips clamped on to his fist, swallowing the anxiety.

He let the tears fall not minding the volume of his woes.

He felt his ribs move against his skin.  The cold bit at his epidermis, but it was the least of his worries.  He had no shirt on but it really didn't matter now did it?

All he really wanted was hold Kaoru.  And not let go.

He cried.


He could hear his lover cry, and yet he could do nothing.


It was his fault. One way or another.

Kaoru knew that he had put the pieces of the puzzle together, because in one way or another he had all the parts with him...and that in the end in order to fill the spaces in between; something had to give.

But he promised himself that he would never give up Die, to anyone...specially to himself.


"Everything's so blurry, and everyone's so fake
and everybody's empty and everything is so messed up
pre-occupied without you, I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you, I stumble then I crawl...."



to be continued

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