"Winning by Losing"
A Dir En Grey fanfiction.
I look at the glass shielding the rain. droplets of water drippin and staining the clean surface. I feel him tighten his hold on my waist, I close my eyes. Squeeze it tighter. I scream in my head...
*Don't touch me!*
I've fallen out and I feel stained every time those hands touch me. Enough is enough, and all he cold think of was a poor excuse of telling me he just had a problem telling people "no". One of these days I should muster up the courage to say what I feel and stay in this situation where I'm utterly disgusted, angry and where I feel uncomfortable. I should do it soon.
The more I shut up
the more I let it linger
The more it becomes unfair to him
unfair to me
I feel like throwing up as he kissed the cool skin of my back. I gently move, squirming away, he attempts to pull me closer in a hug, and I jerk free, with a low grunt i put a shirt on and go to the kitchen. I hear him mumbling about where I was going. i shake my head and ignore it...I never ask him where he goes, i never demanded it, even if I knew he was going to screw around. I sneered deep inside, I never demanded, hoping honesty would bring us closer...
but now I just don't care. If we break up this minute i'd silently accept it. I wouldn't feel like I'd die...if I was put in a situation some months ago, I would have been totally different...
I don't care. About him. About his lies. About his habit of fooling around then crawling back to me whenever he felt like someone had to lift him up from the shit he's in.
I light up, feeling the smoke trace the internal lining of my esophagus, I close my eyes feeling tired...months of constant rage and jealousy and I'm tired of it. Letting go has been good for me. I've fallen out of love. I used to think that when two people were in love, faithfulness would come naturally.
I was misinformed. I became a security blanket for him. My feelings never mattered...because he thought I would always be there, but I'm leaving little by little.
I'm not built in a way to accommodate his sexual needs and emotional lax.
I'm not built that way, simply.
If he wants to screw around and fool me, if he thinks he can fool me, then he doesn't know me at all.
I'm tired, but I'd rather smoke here than share the bed with him. I hear him calling, I continue smoking...
I hear him call again...
I stay silent, like I always have. Soon Toshiya it will be your turn to wake up, and I won't be there...let's see how you'll feel.
to be continued
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