"Winning by Losing"
by Darkfrozenmind

A Dir En Grey fanfiction.

 (part 10)

To Kaoru, my favorite DEG member, I never really knew god walked this earth until you came along ^__~

To those who have read this piece of fiction, my heartfelt thanks.

To Vanilla Mint Thank you for putting the fic up in your site. Arigato.

To Shoji I will miss you terribly.

This chapter written for my beloved Evan, "heaven gave you to me" (quote from Matrim) ~ DFM


My feet hurt and my back hurts all the more, but this beer tastes damn good when one's really thirsty...this final rehearsal (including dress rehearsal) before a nationwide airing tomorrow is one big step towards a higher level of success. The view of the street is like a concrete dream, all greys and ashen images, even Shinya, Die and Kyo's retreating forms look terribly surreal, like a scene stolen from one of Salvador Dali's paintings. I'm waiting for Toshiya to finish fixing himself up before we go home.

And this moment of solitude is precious -

for thinking

for appreciating

for thanking who ever god was up there for making my life what it is.

It was like finding heaven when hell smothered you.

We had just released our latest single and it had swerved and blasted all the way to the top ten position, it wasn't number one but it was a feat for a visual band like us. But that success wasn't really the clincher, I felt complete in a way that no amount of success or recognition could make me feel. I felt loved. I loved.

A full five months of building back our lives with patches of emotions. tears and fights...but we stayed together -

Ever since that night, when Toshiya made me sleep on the couch, we've marked that incident as a time to grow up and piece together what made us fall for each other in the first place. There were no mistakes, everything happened for a reason and we both gave up a little bit of ourselves to make it worth the while : Toshiya promised and tried to make his actions reasonable...responsible (all within the context of personal matters) and i promised to reassess my pride and my temper, that impulsive drive that made me make decisions that hurt us both deeply; because it was our everything. it mattered in an environment where everything was temporary and surreal.

I could see that Toshiya was trying his best to live up to his promise and I was doing the same...I guess the final test came some two nights ago, the last night we were adding the final touches to our latest release...An unexpected visit from an old friend that scared me at first, but eventually turned out as a blessing...

+ flashback +

I never expected to see Motoki again...but he was there nonetheless waiting outside our studio and as I saw Toshiya approach him first I felt my heart pound.

"Kaoru...Motoki-san's leaving tomorrow for Australia..." i remained silent until I reached Toshiya's side, all my anger desperately being fought by my logic, I had a promise to keep.

"Motoki...why are you leaving?" I finally asked in a calm voice.

"It's for a job Kaoru-kun, I was promoted as region manager for the SEA Division of the company I work for...it'll be for the best."

"That's good."

"Hai...I just wanted to see you, share with you my good fortune...Kaoru...please let me..."

I felt Toshiya's arm entangle with my own and I felt him smiling beside me...I was neither angry or happy...I just kept looking at Motoki. He was aware of that and he fidgeted on his feet....Toshiya broke the silence when he gave Motoki a gentle hug and smiled.

"we're both very happy for you."

At first I wanted to yank Toshiya from Motoki and start shouting, but I guess i had to follow Toshiya's advice at some point...I had to let go. I knew Toshiya was doing all he can to ease whatever tension was hovering and I appreciated it, I rubbed the bridge of my nose with my right index finger and my silver ring etched with dragonflies felt cold on my skin...I stared at Motoki as he was doing the same, wearing the same ring...it was our friendship ring, and with that small gesture, my childhood rushed at me in a sudden burst of light, flashbacks of elementary and high school days...yes he was my friend...he is my friend...

It was time to let go.

It was time to forgive.

I held out my hand to Motoki and as he held it i pulled him close and we both started laughing like kids. I saw Toshiya smile at me, that look of utter approval on his face, and I knew i had done something right. And this was my test, against my pride and my insecurity.

"Shall we go to Zaifu??" Motoki asked, his boyish voice sounded wonderful...after all those months of not hearing it...it sounded wonderful.

"Hai." I answered.

Toshiya kissed my temple briefly before pushing me lightly to go with Motoki...my friend looked at Toshiya...

"Please come with us Toshiya-san..."

"I'd love to." there were no more qualms...that poisonous air had been lifted and we all felt safe with one another.

Toshiya smiled and walked over to where I stood and twined our arms together. and as we walked to Zaifu, we all laughed and talked about lots of things from the sensible to the utterly ridiculous.

+ end flashback +

Today had been tiring, it had started out with bringing Motoki to the airport and was now nearing an end as I wait for Toshiya...as if on cue I suddenly felt his lips on my neck. I smile knowingly and reach up to touch his cheek without turning to him. then we slowly made our way to the avenue leading to our home, that small apartment in Shibuya...i had finally fixed that creaking front door.


It had all started out as some sort of contest that had our emotions and hearts riding high on a sadistic gamble. a game we never even knew we were playing. Childish. Dangerous. I don't want to look back.

With love there's no winning by winning, you only realize the full potential of a relationship when it's threatened to be lost.

You only win, when you lose.

You only win, when yourself up to the one you love.

You only win, when you learn.

I had to do it the hard way, I had gone full circle, just grateful I'm here telling my story.


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