"Winning by Losing"
by Darkfrozenmind

A Dir En Grey fanfiction.

 (part 2)

I woke up to the splatter of hot water on my arm, it wasn’t hot enough to scald but it woke me up nonetheless. I jerk my head upwards and it seems that I had fallen asleep in the kitchen.

Toshiya was not happy with me. I knew that because he was casting daggerlike looks at me.

I wonder why.

Could it be because I left his side last night.

Could it be that I didn’t satisfy his urge, in case he had one…isn’t he getting enough. I sighed, I didn’t even contest the action he took…slamming the mug on the table as I slept.

“The kitchen isn’t a place for sleeping Kaoru.” It wasall he said.

I didn’t answer, I simply took my mug and took and instant pack of ready-to-drink coffee. I don’t remember when I had lost interest in tea, but I rarely drank that now. I bet my veins now pump coffee. I laugh inwardly at that lame thought…almost tempted to laugh…when I suddenly feel his hands on me, lips on my shoulder and I freeze.

Don’t touch me!

I scream in my head. Again.

His touch was venom, will always be from now on. I should leave, and I do. Getting away from his grasp, then suddenly feeling that searing pain in my arm as he pulled me to him.

“You avoiding me?”

I smile crookedly. I don’t want to fight. I really don’t want anything to do with him. I just want him to let go of my arm.

“No.” I finally say.


I shake my arm free, but he doesn’t want to let go…

“Then kiss me.”

I step closer and initiate a french kiss. All the while my eyes looking to the side. He didn’t notice, he had his eyes closed. Then I hear soft moans…he wants sex. I don’t so I pull away.

A string of saliva between us and I softly wipe my mouth, and turn away, I could feel him, hear him breathing heavily behind me. I widen our distance and make it to our room. Closing the door, I hear him move about…no doubt he’s going to call one of his fuck buddies.

I can’t be bothered.

I won’t be bothered.

I shower.

…fifteen minutes…

I was ready to leave for the studio. I’d rather work on a song, play with the instuments there, talk to myself in that studio, record messages to my relatives or something…than stay here…

Kaoru..Coward! Coward! Coward!

“Where are you going?”

It pulled me from that skyhigh place and I turned my head to face him…Toshiya. I can still remember how I would fall all over again just looking at him, now that face is still as beautiful as ever, but it belongs to somebody I hardly know anymore.

I bow my head and found my socks interesting. I shrugged half-heartedly.


“Take me with you.”

I pause.

I never expected that request. I didn’t speak, not trusting my voice nor did I want him to hear me fumble, so I did the next best thing, gestured with a shaking of my head.


His eyes narrowed and then I thought I caught a hurt look in his eyes. I didn’t wait for anything after that, I went out the door, straight to my car.

I heard a crash from without the door. Something thrown, and as I continued walking I thought I heard him sob.

I didn’t think about it anymore, once my car poured out onto the street.

Then I felt bad. Because I was not made of stone.


to be continued

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