"Winning by Losing"
A Dir En Grey fanfiction.
It was one of those mindless feelings you have when you feel like you've done something wrong, but then there's this other voice telling you that there's nothing to be sorry about at all. i was starting to get a headache. But I kept my eyes on the road and punched in the "On" button for the car radio...of all holy things, I set my car radio on the AM frequency and the shrill voice of the announcer filled my car. I breathed in softly and tried to compose myself...I reach out and gently switch frequencies, wince at the song it was one of those Western boy groups talking about "skies are blue and coast to coast or something, I can barely make out and understand all the words fully.
30 minutes driving and I finally see the small billboard pinpointing the studio.
I park, and slowly make my way to the particular room we were assigned to. No one but me. Thank you for the silence.
For the solitude.
For the pain...I let it all sink in; and I sit by the sofa and cry, softly.
I am not made of stone.
And i lay my head down on the sofa and felt myself drifting off to an inviting escape called slumber.
I am not made of stone.
I am pain at its highest because i feel too much, and say so little.
I sob before I hide my face and sleep.
This thing I;m doing...lying down...sleeping, is not me...but I found out the relevance of dreaming from reality when my chest aches and I make my mind hurt trying to tell myself that I cannot feel. I know that Toshiya and I lost something, that we've faltered along the way and the distance just keeps getting wider and wider...drifting into that silent death. I don't know why we are even together. None of us want to make the first move I guess. He cheapens it by wanting sex to be the connection, it's not about sex...it's love, but what is love to me, to him...
none of us ever bothered with that...and that should tell me something.
But in my heart I believed I truly loved him, intensely, passionately at one point.
But the heart grows weary and brittle with lies.
And I am now broken.
What comes after, is natural...
* * * * *
Minutes before I woke up I thought I was flying...there was that buzz in my head. My fingers now feel like their bleeding, skilled over these strings but painfull, if not stinging...although I see no blood. Silent revelry, in thoughts forgotten...I think I need a vacation from my self. I laugh again.
I had my back to the studio door when I started at a voice so low. So broken that I had to turn, even if every part of me told me to hold my position and just not hear it. It held that sincerity, that sincerity I kept looking for all those times that I needed it, that sincerity that I fell in love with. Why did it have to come now...when I wasn't in love with him anymore. When I had fallen from what i thought was grace.
My eyes were blank..."Toshiya?"
"I felt lonely back home, I thought i'd follow you here..."
I shrug softly.
"I'm not really doing anything, just trying out different riffs and fades..."
"Mabe I can help you, jam with you a little?"
"I was just getting into a riff...I can't."
"You can't? or you don't want to?" his voice was edgy.
I hated that tense silence.
I thrust my guitar lazily, that created a bit of feedback...please, drown out that silence.
"What's wrong Kaoru? Why are you treating me this way, this past week?"
I shook in my seat...how dare he ask me that, like I was the one who made this, caused this. For once maybe he should look at himself. But I'm tired of going round in this same demented circle, dancing the same dance we've been doing for the last 10 months....I face him squarely, my hair tied in a ponytail and spoke as clear as I could.
"I'm tired of the games you play Toshiya."
"What games?! What do you mean?"
"You say you love me..." he cut me off
"I do love you!!"
"You have a twisted way of showing it..."
"What do you mean?"
"Stop cheating on me."
There was silence...again...it was never an issue before...I always took him back when he fumbled, this was something new to him.
"I love you Kaoru! Believe me, there's no one but you..."
I could have made a list of the people I caught him with...kissing, touching...a long list of indescretions that I blinded myself to not seeing, just to be with him, but the last one was when he started sleeping with someone that hit so close to home...a freind. I just stared at him eyes not accusing, just staring...
then he broke down...
"I can't do this now Kaoru, I can't do this!"
"Then don't. No one's forcing you to."
"Don't leave me!!"
"I won't...that's something you would do, Toshiya...run off after a fight and find someone and then comeback to me...without ever really thinking that maybe I was worth staying for..."
"I'm not leaving, but I am saying it ends and dies here...now..."
"What do you mean...??"
I couldn't believe I was about to say it...finally...
"The lies, they die here. I'm tired of waiting for you to love me Toshiya..."
"But i do love you Kaoru, I realize that now...all those worthless fucks they mean nothing to me...it's only you I swear...Kaoru don't leave I just find it hard to draw the line when I'm fooling with people, but they're nothing please believe me..."
he was ranting...
I was winning...
"I've fallen out of love. I can't anymore."
I stayed silent...
"You said you wouldn't leave me..."
"I'm still here Toshiya, I didn't leave...you...drove me away."
I had failed to realize that Toshiya had managed to fall on his knees....8 feet or more between us and he was pleading...another chance...
how many chances have I given...in such a short time he's thrown those chances like they meant nothing.
"It dies here Toshiya."
I stand up and place my guitar on the rack carefully. I didn't hear Die arrive. He stopped by the doorway and fumbled an excuse as to why he was caught there in that situation between Toshiya and I...as sobs filled the room, I spoke matter-of-factly...
"It's okay, we were just stopping."
Die ignored me and was asking toshiya if he was okay...no one ever did that to me. Even if they knew about the indescretions, the way I was hurting, they never once asked me how I felt...maybe I hid it well, or maybe that's just the way things go.
Toshiya started rantinag and cursing through the tears, Die loked at me helplessly.
I walked out the door and took out my pack and lit up a stick.
I said it.
I had won.
But why does it feel like I lost everything, despite the honesty.
I scratch my cheek lightly using my right index finger, and stare out into the sub-urban night...lights dancing against a black horizon...stars shining in a twilight that should have been poetic and heavenly.
I had won.
It ends...but I hadn't expected this sudden realization.
The end with Toshiya.
Was the end of me...
(mtc) ~ more to come XD!
to be continued
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