"Winning by Losing"
by Darkfrozenmind

A Dir En Grey fanfiction.

 (part 4)


I spat out dark crimson.

The taste was terribly metallic.

I do not like the taste of blood, despite what they say.

My jaw hurt, after it hit my shoulder, I hadn't realized I'm this bony

Until today.

Toshiya held out a bloody fist right in front of me and was shouting out words I can't make out. I was disoriented, but I gathered enough sense to start walking away. It confused Toshiya, it confused him that I wasn't giving into the fight, not even showing the slightest interest in defending myself from my assailant.

I was giving mixed signals.I was confusing them, I was confusing even myself.

But I knew what I wanted at this point, I wanted to walk away.

What happened, I started walking to the car, slow woozy steps and I tried recollecting what the fuck just happened.

I knew I was smoking, busy with my own thoughts when I suddenly heard Toshiya's voice.shouting, then I felt my jaw crack. He hit me and I pretty much lost touch of reality for a bit, could have been a few seconds to a minute before I realized that my lips were torn and bleeding and the walls of my mouth was swelling from the inside. All I could remember him saying was that I was unfair.

Revelry cut short when I was stopped dead in my tracks.

Toshiya's arms were so tight around my waist, his lips touching my shoulder, sobbing into the fabric of the jacket I wore.

"Don't leave Kaoru, please."

~liar, beacause I love you still

~liar because I pretend to be strong

~liar beacause I love you still

~liar because I've been hiding for so long

~liar because I made myself believe I had fallen out of love, despite..

.I love you.

Kaoru. I felt like floating hearing my name said in such a desolate way.I wanted to turn around and hold him to me, but I've gone this far and I held my ground.

"Let go."


"I wasn't asking you."

"I'm not giving you a choice."

"Let go."


My eyes focused on some distant tree as I felt the tears soak the back of my neck and his lips move over my skin. I closed my eyes and shrugged him off. I can't anymore. Even if I wanted to, If I wanted to have something left after Toshiya, I should at least keep my decision.

I shrugged him off me, succesful enough to push him a little and I was able to walk to my car at an accelerated pace. I was fumbling with my keys when, he stood behind me, and icily declared.

To me it sounded like a threat, an isult.

"I can replace you just like that Kaoru." he snapped his fingers."Just like that. I can find someone better than you."

"I know." Was all I said. I was going to get in my car an drive away, but then I had that sudden urge to stay and turn.

I looked at him, my heart felt like it was being squeezed painfully cutting coherence but I had to be strong for myself.

"But I can do the same Toshiya.Just like that."

I paused with every word.

And I snapped my fingers to emphasize my point.


to be continued

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