"Winning by Losing"
by Darkfrozenmind

A Dir En Grey fanfiction.

 (part 5)

** I hope the small excerpt would answer Malice Maizer's question ^^ side is still sore from sharp stick poking :p

I've reached the breaking point long after I've broken myself. But no would really understand.I don't expect anyone to. I guess it's all just a matter of time before I crumble and tun into some unknown matter.

I hate you.

I love you.

I hate you.

And I've built my life around you, only you had other plans.

I am the fool.

I am the only fool, because I loved too much, I felt too strong, I was too sweet and in the end it meant nothing because all you really wanted was entertainment from your busy schedule and worthless contradictions. Liar.

Both of us are.

The lesser of two evils.

I am no saint.



It doesn't mean anything now, when all the while I thought it meant everything. I don't even feel guilty watching toshiya's face break and cry when I snapped my fingers, like I casted some eveil spell on him. I don't want to care anymore. I want to stop!

He slept with a friend.Motoki, my best friend, my best friend whose as na´ve as Forrest Gump .I have to drink water or else I'm gonna fall apart and I'm going to cause a road accident and I'm going to kill people right before the yuletide season ends..since when did Japan celebrate this.Urgh.I'm ranting.

Sometimes Starbucks deems itself as a godsend.I must reiterate that.'sometimes'. I'm drinking a Caramel Macchiatto, how I was able to say that without dying.I dn't know. But at least the smooth blend is taking my mind off things and preparing my psyche for a long night ahead.

I'm moving out of that place.

I guess this is the right time for me to go and live at this place I got years ago in Shibuya. It's going to be real tough getting my life together, and I don't even know if I'm strong enough, but I've gotten this far. There's no turning back.


A cold and empty apartment. Something we thought we could give life to. But then again who am I fooling? It was only me who wanted that, only me who dreamed for the both of us and it got to be very tiring.

I'm tired.

I'm always tired these days.too many things ignored just wells up inside and it shatters.

I think that's the last of my casuals and I zip the bag and drag it halfway across the living room before I drag the Gabage bag filled with shoes out from the hall.

Two minutes and I have it all inside my car.

As I was driving out I saw Die's car flash in and park, while mine slides away. I saw Toshiya's eyes so cold, then in a moment flicker with panic. He's not a fool, he knows what I did. I don't know if it was the child in me showing himself but I did hover an wait for him go up those stairs, go inside that apartment and watch him swiftly come out eyes narrowed and tear- filled.before I revved up and left.

I was cruel.

I was retaliating.


Why the hell does it look so different, my eyes narrow with annoyance once I parked and looked at the fašade of the place I owned and it was soon to be my fort. It really didn't look this ugly when I looked at it. It was plain and there were no plants that livened the place. It was logical through, I hadn't been here in months..no..maybe years.

I huffeda nd made my way inside URGH! That rickety door needs repairs as well, it's cause for alarm since it's a sliding door and a rickety sliding door is not a good door. I make mental notes. I quietly make my way to the bedroom. And take off the plastic over the bed, I think I'll be sleeping on dirty sheets tonight.

Without the slightest certainty of warmth.


to be continued

back to deg fics pg 3