"Winning by Losing"
by Darkfrozenmind

A Dir En Grey fanfiction.

 (part 6)

[Kaoru may seem cold at the moment, but I do believe it's his time to wallow. I am building his character as carefully as possible. And I will never portray him as an irrational person, Kaoru is just too good for that. And I am a big Toshiya fan as well, I am not hurting him on purpose so please bear with me, this will all work out.]

It's never easy running from the pain or the truth.

When I woke up, my spine hurt from being bent into a fetal position, keeping away the cold, sleeping away the loneliness. I guess I've always felt lonely even when I was with Toshiya, I've felt it.though being with him eased the bite for a little while.

Moments like these make one think of faults, now I'm thinking maybe it's me who did something wrong. But it's done and I'm here.there's no where to go but forward and I'm slowly dreading practice, but I am the leader.though we are a group, my role is pivotal and I may sound sadistically egotistic but I do run the show most of the time.

Selfish, Kaoru, selfish.

Then my silent misery shattered once I heard a knock on my front door.

I tip toe to the door, making my feet, though covered, make minimum contact with the cold wooden floor. I peek through the peep hole and see a mass of red hair.

I breathe in, and open the door, creeky-frint-sliding-door making me frown.I need to fix that soon.

I nod affirmatively as I gesture Die to come in.

He wasn't in the mood for chit chat, he had that serious look, and puffy eyes. Indicators that he became Toshiya's sounding board last night. An the puffy eyes indicated that he hasn't had sleep, which makes things worst.

"He cried all night." Was his quiet intro.

"It'll pass."

"You don't care?"

"I do, though, I no longer feel the need to be his champion. "

"Ending it made you happy?"

"No, but it makes sense."

"You give up easily Kaoru."

"Don't say that."

"Why not?"

"Did you ever once consider how I feel whenever Toshiya kisses, makes out, fucks another person, how small I feel inside, how my self respect crumbles because I just don't say anything? Don't tell me I give up easily Die, because I've waited for Toshiya for so long , I gave him all the chances he wanted.Is it wrong to at least give myself a chance to salvage whatever little self respect I have left? Is it so wrong for me to acknowledge my pain and do something about it, when obviously nobody else would?"

I was ranting. Crumbling. But not shattering, within.just my walls.

Die quietly and slowly nodded. He had known my pain but stayed quiet and neutral. In the world we moved and breathed in, monogamy was rare.rock and roll moved in indecisive circles, we both knew that and the look in his face told me that I should have never expected much.because these things happen, because they do.

A reason wasn't necessary.

I expected too much from a relationship based on premises I should have mastered.

I was looking for something real, in a virtual menagerie.

"You expected too much." Die finally voiced out those words.

"I know."

"It isn't Toshiya's fault, not yours either.A high profile couple like the two of you should expect these things.you took things too personally Kaoru.A lot of the things we do, they're not all real."

"I know that.but I was looking for that reality, I wanted love Die, the real thing, not sex, not a show.just love, and the security that goes with it."

"You are secure with Toshiya! He'll never leave you.not like what you did to him no matter how many partners he has outside of your relationship..he's a player.this is rock and roll.nothing's personal.nothing.at the end of the day he goes home to you"

I quietly shake my head, not realizing that my feet were cold.

"I don't expect you to understand Die, I wanted a reality beyond the shows, after the lights die and the crowds go home, I wanted Toshiya to be there. Die, our shows are rock and roll, but our lives outside of it.it's supposed to be real and I wanted Toshiya in it, but it wasn't meant to be."


I wanted to cry, make him understand.

"If you can't see it from my point of view, then at least hear me out.I made Toshiya my life, planned things around him, dedicated every breath to him, made myself believe that he loved me just like that as well.then one day I woke up, he slept with my best friend."

I let it all out.the frustration the pain.basking in the surprised look in Die's face.

".Then everything fell apart.Don't lecture me about rock and roll.I know the limits of performance and what's real.sleeping with other people like us, is something I can forgive maybe even forget.but he slept with someone I've known my whole life, my best friend.it doesn't get anymore real than that.. Tell me Die, I'm standing here in front of you.am I that evil? Emotionless?"

Die stood there calm, but his eyes were panicking, deciding for an emotion. Within the band he's my best friend, someone who rode my brain waves, I knew he was hurt that I am hurting, I knew he cared, and now I'm glad he knows both sides of the story.

"Kaoru." he stepped forward, it was the only sound he could manage.

I stepped back, and nodded understandingly.

He wanted to hug me.

I can't break down, I don't want to feel at this point, If I let him hug me, I'll cry and I fear that I may never stop.

"it's okay Die, things happen it isn't anyone's fault at this point.not mine nor Toshiya's, we act and react.it was just me acting and reacting."

I tap him lightly on the shoulder.

"I'll see you at the studio later."

He nodded. And I stepped on the side to let him pass. As he exited the door I quietly called out his name, watching him turn slowly to look at me.

"Thank you Die, for talking to me."

He smiled sadly.

"Id make things better for you and Totchi if I could Kaoru.but I can't, I can only promise you I'd take care of the person I love, and spare that person from misery.treasure the real things we have."

I nod.

Shinya's very lucky and so was Die.

"Then you and Shinya have the battle half-won."

He smiled.

I nodded lightly then closed the door.

My new home is dark, even when morning light spreads across the landscape in total dominance. I close my eyes and swallow a sob swelling in my throat.

I have to be strong. I made a decision last night, and I know it was the right one.

A consolation.

I rub my eyes before preparing for my morning shower.

It's too early in the morning to cry.

So I don't.


to be continued

back to deg fics pg 3