"Winning by Losing"
by Darkfrozenmind

A Dir En Grey fanfiction.

 (part 7)

[This is the "Toshiya talks to Shinya" part, there's going to be interaction between Kaoru and Toshiya not as intimate as we would all like, but they're both being coy ^__~ plus hide is playing "Tell Me" in the background (it's hide! I have no right to change it ^^;) so that's making me get into a rather jumpy mood than the required angst-y one so please bear with me]

This part written for Evan, I love you so much.

To those who have been faithfully reading.Arigato. I thank you, hide thanks you. Hide was also wondering if you'd like to read about his new crush ^___~ (hint, hint.new ficcy coming up)

Life has no order, in general. Look at me inside, no order at all.

That's why we make rules, to put a little sanity within the chaos. That's what we try to do, at least.

I don't understand any of it. I desperately try and connect those floating dots of logic, but I end up with a disturbing figure every time, and at times I feel like I can't, not anymore.

But I do accept that fact. I have no other choice.

Life has no order.

I didn't mean to drop in on their conversation. I didn't expect anyone to be in the studio that early, not Shinya and most certainly not Toshiya, he was never early, I'd always be the one to call him at our house just to wake him up two hours after I arrive, so to me this sudden change of constitutionals was to say the least, confusing.I look at my feet, just saying his name in my head.it wakes up the hope inside me. Something I should really not be feeling at this point.

I'm not over him, over us..

But I soon recover from the feeling once I catch that viperous tone from Shinya.

"No one appreciates being taken for granted, Toshiya."

"I know." Came my former lover's quiet reply.

"Then WHY? Why did you sleep around, when you knew perfectly that Kaoru didn't play such games.I think he wasn't even playing at all Toshiya, the man was obviously head over heels for you. Die.he told me that you slept with Kaoru's best friend, I think that was the final straw."

"I just need to feel wanted,"

"You were wanted! Were you insecure with him?"

"I never seem to know what he's feeling and thinking.it scared me to death Shinya.it's like one day he'll decide he doesn't want me anymore and I can't take that."

"So, you hurt him first."


"There was no need.you just gave him a reason to hate you."

"I just love him too much, I love him senseless."

"Now look what you did beautiful one.a broken friendship, a painful break- up all under your belt, when you could have avoided all of it.you should have given Kaoru a chance to prove his worth before all this."

I could sense the hint of dismay in Shinya's voice, that wasted feeling riding on every word.indeed everything was a waste, but there was nothing to cry over.nothing was left to save. It was something irrevocably disheartening.

It makes me wonder if there's anything left of us at all.

I was pining to hear more from Shinya but I couldn't, all I really could pick out from Toshiya's loud crying was.'miscommunication.'

I couldn't be bothered. I shouldn't be. But then again why did I feel like embracing him.

But I can't, not anymore.

I cleared my throat and straightened, staring through the glass, my gaze landing nowhere but the wall they both leaned on. They both looked surprised and Shinya backed away slowly and looked at me. Shinya greeted me curtly, and I greeted him back, civilly. Die's beloved. How lucky Die was he found such a pure soul. Without that inborn lust and that innate liar that poisons everything. Not like me, not like Toshiya.not like any of us.

One in a million, Die was very lucky and he knew it.

My thoughts returning to the present and I caught Toshiya looking at me.

I didn't wait for Toshiya to say anything; I don't want to see him cry.

Deep inside I hate myself for making him shed those tears.

I turn around. I feel his eyes on my back.

I walk to my guitar rack and pick out my red Fender.and start plucking the nylon strings, no particular song in mind.just plucking.

.picking out whatever note I could and make music out of it.if only the world weaved itself like music, when every note falls into place after you set down the rhythm.life was never like that, it always defied the plan.

I guess that's what makes it worth living for, at times.

Through my mindless music making I heard a soft, imploring voice slice through the mindless sounds that echoed within the studio.mindless.

That was how I felt without even knowing why, without wanting to know why.except for my accusation.

"Shinya's going to meet Die for breakfast."

I nod. But I felt Toshiya sit on the stool next to me, facing me, breath so close it landed on my neck at some obscure distance, that fallible angle that made me feel.something other than the angst I've been feeling for the last 48 hours.

"How are you?"

"Okay." I didn't even ask him how he was.how cold of me.

"Kaoru.please look at me."

I oblige, I saw his eyes, he was sorry he even asked me that.I knew how my eyes appeared before him. They were distant, but deep inside I was surprised, as Toshiya's eyes were so expectant, they were kind and soft. I blinked and managed a civil smile, looking at him with less conviction and more expectation.

I couldn't help but blink back, threatening tears.yes, he could still stir in me those impromtu emotions, those I cannot control. I felt so much for him.still.

His face flickered through a lot of emotion before finally he settled on what seemed to me was a pretty smile, that kind I feel in love with.

I managed a civil smile and was able to spew out a low expression of welcome.concern.I don't know.suddenly I feel my heart racing.

"Toshiya, you're eyes are red." He closed his eyes and leaned closer, resting his temple on my shoulder, and I felt him tremble against me.

"I've been crying."

"Why?" God !!! Kaoru you idiot.

"Over you."

I stayed silent, this wasn't the conversation I was aiming for, I could just see myself melting for him, in his arms again..but what can I do?


He lifted his head and leaned closer, until his lips met mine. Just soft flesh, laid against one another, feeling through the skin, and I could feel myself giving in.I wanted to scream..

Don't touch me! Stop playing with me!

But my lips stayed that way.against the warmth, I could feel his taste seep inside me and I leaned closer, closing my eyes, until the salty taste of tears graced our lips.

I lifted my hands gently to feel Toshiya's face and wipe away his tears, when I noticed his cheeks were dry.before long I felt Toshiya's hands on my face smoothing over a warm feel of water down my cheeks. My eyes stung, they remained close.

All this time it was me who was on the verge of breaking.

Despite the heartache, the indifference, the struggle to break free.

A matter of sense and a matter of loss.separation was some strange entity indeed and I felt the emptiness of not being with him for the first time.I wish to whoever god was there that Toshiya felt it too.

Our lips parted and I did not dare open my eyes, gasping as I felt his lips softly on my eyelid. I tried stifling a sob, but it escaped my lips nonetheless. He held me closer, and I cried quietly in his arms. My guitar flat between us, but none of us seemed to mind.

His lips seemed to lessen the pain of crying, and the softness in his touch as he held my nape was tragic and beautiful at the same time.the loss of him hit me, fully.

And I felt so close yet so far from him, because no matter how close he held me.there was nothing between us now.

I ended it. I felt sorry I did.

My silent suffering disturbed as he slowly tilted my face, I had my eyes closed still, and I felt his lips on my chin.

"I still love you. Please."

He kissed my lips.

".another chance."

Not again. Those words they sounded so familiar.

"you don't have to answer now.just save a place in there for me." Toshiya patted my chest.

Of course Toshiya, you're the only one. But I had no absolute answer in my heart.my head.caution won over logic.but for how long?

I nodded, dumbly and was crestfallen. My forehead now resting against his forehead, before I started crying again.

I didn't mind the vulnerability; for once that mantle of leadership was set aside.I'm human too.

The world is chaotic.

As I lay in my cold room, on my cold bed.I pondered on the chaos.I'm only human and I can only pluck out the sensible things by sheer luck and a little faith.

The world is chaotic. That's why we make rules.

The human heart is another phenomenon.that's why we break the rules we made in the first place.


(more to come) XD

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to be continued

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