"Winning by Losing"
by Darkfrozenmind

A Dir En Grey fanfiction.

 (part 8)

Only 2 to 3 more parts depending on Toshiya’s cooperation.

A belated Happy New Year to everyone.


I've never been stupid, at least I'd like to believe that. I've always erred on the side of caution, but why am I beating myself over what I've just done. I did it with Toshiya...I slept with him and now I feel wretched, why...when every bone in my body aches for him...when he's the only one I've ever been with, a better solution than find and alternative mate...stop thinking...

~an absolute logistic~


Logic has noothing to do with the heart...with the soul.

When will you ever get that, Kaoru? When?

I have to stop talking to myself.

But still I kept pinching the swollen part of my neck. That little violet hickie burning under the intense florescent glare.

The inflammed part was definitely turning maroonish-black, I can't seem to acknowledge the fact that I'm slowly fading from this realm of coherence. I broke my own rules again, and I seem to have fallen into that cycle, making me a man without conscience nor cosideration. I look at the marks of what should be passion and I feel guilty.

Knowing not where we both will go from here. I jumped from a certain unknown to indiscernibe oblivion.

Lust has always been an enemy and a deceitful friend.

I revived that spark between Toshiya and I, and that's unforgivable, specially when I am the one who sees the truth of it all, we both are not ready...we just want the reassurance that someone will be there, I saw it but did nothing, I let my elf slide lower than I already did.


I am, selfish.

I wonder how Toshiya feels? After the sex, is there regret? Is he happy? Satisfied? How do I feel, myself? I'm starting to feel regret. A moment's passion is not enough to seal a lifetime of happiness.

I pinch the skin harder and I wince in silence.

How did it all happen? So fast, so impulsive.

I drove him home, and we end up here inside his apartment...what used to be our home...Hands grudgingly reached for the faucet and turn it haphazardly allowing water to gush out and I bend and let it cascade on the side of my face. I don't regret being with Toshiya, I regret not thinking and sleeping with him when I know that I'm leading him on. I'm not ready to go back to him, and I can see, even if he says otherwise that he isn't ready to take me back.

It's only been two weeks, and I know that the emotions are high up and thick, any chance for us to build this relationship when it fell apart is decreasing everytime I fumble, we fumble like this. Think before you feel, it has to have a place in this...I want him, but I want something I can hold onto...not just the company or the sex...I want everything I can get because I am willing togive up everything I have as well.

Shit ~

The edge of the faucet carves lightly into my cheek as I was startled by someone knocking on the bathroom door. I straighten and watch the mark turn red, but it wasn't bleeding.

"Come in"



"You were taking so long..."

"I was washing my face, i feel feverish..."

He smiled that killer smile of his.

"Of couse! You were with me..." Such a naughty twist of his face that simply dazzled me.

"Hai." I nodded quietly before I reached for a towel and dabbed my face with it.



"You regret what we did?"

I was silent and he stifled a little sob.

After what seemed to be hours of staring at his reflection in the mirror I spoke...truthfully.

"I feel regret, not being with you, but encouraging you to sleep with me...I need to heal, you need to heal and jumping into bed is not the solution."

"I love you, Kaoru. It's the only thing that I know."

"I just don't want to be like all the guys you slept with, specially now that we are technically separated."

I saw his face change, such anguish riding as he softly walked towards me and hit the back of my shoulder with a surrendering fist before he buried his face on my back.

I felt cold.

I am cold.

I could feel his ribs racking, his sholdes heaving frm crying.

"How could you even think that...Kaoru...I would never put you in that menagerie...never...I put you in a pedestal..."

"Is that why you never once thought about me, when you ever you sleep with them! I'm not like them Toshiya, I'm not your toy!"


Old issues, reopened.

Old wounds, bleeding once again.

"Kaoru, I'll apologize for he indescretions over and over if you want me to, I can never take them back, but please find it inside yourself to forgive me, I'll try hard to be the man you want me to be."

"I don't wnat you to change into something I want, I just want you to do what's appropriate and right...It's not simple Toshiya, it's very complex, unless you realize that loving someone does have a whole lot of sacrifices and strings attached to it."

I believe he was thinking about what I said. I felt his hands hold me tighter.

"I'm willing Kaoru..anything...please."

I felt it crumble inside me. My walls, my indifference...I felt myself slide deeper into what I believed was the only thing left, my desperation for him. It was the only thing I had before, the oly thing I have now. No pride, no self-possession...just that desperation to be with him. Solely. I'm not a man to shower him with words of praises or loving nicknames, but i do love him. i've lied to myself long enough to know that i love him more than anyone else.

I softly turn, taking his wrists in my hands and pull him closer, my breath on his neck.

"Let's try slowly"

"Anything. Just please be with me."

I kiss him, sliding my tongue to massage his, lashes meeting at some point, the colors of our hair dancing under electric lights. Arms tangling in soft supple knots, brading underneath the current we both share, that electricity...that spark.

I feel him pull me to the toilet seat, gently pulling down the cover he sat there and prodded me to sit on his lap, cradling my smaller form over silken thighs. I had my back to him and he kissed my spine, I closed my eyes as I gently reached over my shoulder to touch his face.

He asked for another chance. I'm giving myself to him now...

We will try harder.

I felt my heart sink in fear...What if?

"I promise..." Toshiya vowed in a whisper.

I want to believe you so much.

But we both know better.


An hour after, we both left the bathroom in silence, the day was breaking the sky softly and the sun seemed like this gigantic orange arachnid seizing whatever he could. I silently dresed, ready to go home.

"Stay, please, Kaoru? we can just have lunch here...anywhere...I'll drive you back to your place tonight, I just...I just wantto be with you as much as possible..."

He sounded like a boy. A brat.

I smiled curtly and gestured for him to come closer.

He did.

I kissed his temple and whispered on his skin, a gentle *yes*.

He nodded slowly. And got dressed.

I coudn't help but look around his; what used to be...our room. And I saw mementos of a shared life. I suddenly want to go back to that time, abruptly, but I had no choice but to keep it at pace. My gaze landed on a picture...Toshiya, my best friend and I in one shot all smiling...why couldn't it have been this way forever?

I felt my eyes sting...re-surfacing tears, painful...so painful. I can't forget...god...help me forgive...

I picked up the picture, trembling with bitterness...


"I-I can't go out today..."


I turned sharply, eyes full of tears and threw the picture, I never knew where it landed, and I ran out the door. I could hear him crying out my name, but I couldn't stop...god...why is it so hard to live and live...to forget...to forgive.

My breath was heaving when I reached my car and I slammed the door shut. I didn't notice that Toshiya was behind me and he slid in the bucket seat, sobbing. I couldn't look at him, at myself. I wanted to just disappear.

"Get out, Toshiya."



I was crushed in an intense embrace, only then did I realize that he had no shirt on, he had no shoes, he placed his cheek next to my ear...

"I won't Kaoru. I won't. Let it go Kaoru! If you want to hurt me then do...scream at me, pull my hair! But after all that Let it go! Find it in your heart to forgive me, no one's perfect Kaoru! people will disappoint and keep on disappointing you and not live up to what you wnat! But that's part of being human...you're human too Kaoru and that's why I love you, for everything that you are..."

It was a burst of emotion from Toshiya and I couldn't define myself or tune into a singular emotion, I sank in my seat, in his arms.

"What was it that he had that I didn't?" i silently asked, referring to my former best friend...

"Kaoru, he had nothing...that night...he was just there and I needed someone...It was a mistake..."


I looked at him and let the tears fall, as I silently spoke.

"He told me everything, everything...and it hurt so much...I only pray that you would never feel how I felt that day when he confessed, because i would never wish that pain on anyone...how long did you plan on hiding it Toshiya?"


"I felt like a fool,and I feel like a fool now."

"Let it all out Kaoru...another chance is what we're taking now...I'll always regret what I did and I'll always regret it that I hurt you...I'm begging you for that chance..."

"I don't know where to start Toshiya, i don't even see where we're going..."

"You...said we'd take it slow...a day at a time Kaoru...please...let's just get through today..."

He embraced me closer...tighter...I sighed and softly shrugged him off me, reaching behind me and handing him a jacket...before caressing his face, trying so hard to push the images that haunted my head, he smiled for me.


And it wasn't about winning or losing anymore.

I had lost track of what game I was playing.


to be continued

back to deg fics pg 3