"Winning by Losing"
by Darkfrozenmind

A Dir En Grey fanfiction.

 (part 9)

A gloomy afternoon and the airconditioning at the studio didn’t help either. I knew everyone was tired and drowsy. The explosive performance last night was to blame as much as the lousy weather we were having today.

The A/C hummed as I scanned the room noting that Kyo had claimed the sofa as his own, Shinya sharing a little bit of it by his feet, and Die…wasn’t here…he’s probably in the next studio where Guniw Tools were remixing old tracks, they even offered to remix some of our songs. I found that flattering and funny as well.

I shift gingerly, trying to find comfort as I sit on this very comfortable, and I say that with much sarcasm…amplifier. It’s an old Orange Amp and I use it now and then to test songs, if it complies with that opera house, verbraic sound…one of my eccentricities.

As I shift I felt Toshiya’s hands grow tighter around my waist, his cheek gently pressed on my shoulder, sleeping quietly.

Of all places, it’s funny to think that he chose sharing the hard and uncomfortable Amplifier with me, than the two cozy looking armchairs by the side of the room. I sigh, as he clung tighter. I was using another up- turned amp as a table, it wobbled a bit, and I felt pretty tired as well. But we had one more song to rehearse before I could let them all go, I started when the door swung open and Die came in with that big smile on his face.

Without much consideration for the sleeping he spoke in his booming voice –

“You should’ve heard the new track by Guniw Tools! It’s AWESOME!”

I simply looked at him, and waited for the inevitable…

“SHUT UP!” Kyo spat out.

“Usually one speaks quietly if others are trying to get some rest” Shinya said scholastically.

“Kaoru…” Toshiya moaned. Nevermind.

I looked at Die and I shrugged my shoulders.

Die turned up his sassy cool demeanor “S~orry!”

Then he approached me, quietly gesturing at the sleeping Toshiya. I nodded my head as an answer to his solemn and unspoken question…as if saying ~yes, we’re back together~…Die smiled and whispered questions as he took a place on the carpeted floor near my foot.

“So you living together?”

“No, not at this point. I’m still staying at Shibuya”

“When did this happen Kaoru?”

“The other night”

“That’s cool, I’m happy for you…”



“Are you happy?”

One question that shook me, so many answers driving me up the wall. It was unreal, insane. My hand put down the pen I was holding and made it’s way over Toshiya’s hands on my belly, as if seeking help in finding the right answer…

I look at Die –

“Yes, I’m happy.”

I felt Toshiya’s breath spread from my shoulder to my arms, like a sigh of relief…I look at him and nudged him playfully…

“It’s rude to listen in on other people’s conversations”

Die looked at us amused

“I wasn’t listening in! Iswear I was just having a good dream”


“You and me”

I blush then cleared my throat, trying to focus back on the lyric sheet.

“Last song, Kaoru?”

I nod at Die, who was giving me a smile that hinted of glee and a little risque thought that I don’t want to be bothered with at this point. The things I have to put up with. But then again some part of me is saying that life should not be any other way.

“Promise, last song before we all go home and get some much deserved rest.”


Toshiya wouldn’t let go of me, his hands were clasped together and his palms were pressed at eaither side of my neck. I was smiling at him, softly.

“Kaoru, stay the night please?”

“Toshiya, I have to go back and rehash the music so we can finally do the final touches tomorrow, and get that much deserved time-off…for the first time this year…”

Toshiya smiled…

“Do it here then!”

“I can’t…”


“I can’t work with you around…”

“Is that a compliment Kaoru?”

“It is.”

“I-I just don’t understand why you don’t want to move back!?” there was an annoyed and even exasperation staining that sentiment that fell frm Toshiya’s mouth.

“Let’s take it slow Toshiya…”

“I know, I’m sorry I’m impatient.”

I smiled. There was really nothing wrong with what he was doing, I found it flattering, so I make my move pulling him close until we found ourselves kising torridly in the car, kissing with that blind passion that I felt myself slipping down to that chaotic state where I could not control anything, even myself…We moved and I slammed here and there, jerking sideways over and under, only Toshiya could stir such violent bursts of pleasure from me…almost inside him, panting in the small car we were in…When suddenly everything in me and about me shut down…I couldn’t feel him, I was disoriented. That certain feeling overwhelms me, and suddenly I’m unsure.


“Gomen, Toshiya I’m just tired…”

I felt him stomp his foot on the carpet –

“Don’t lead me on like that ever again Kaoru! You hate being treated as a toy…so don’t do it to other people!”


Before I could say anything else he had slammed the door shut


I knocked on the front door and I could hear Toshiya crying. He wasn’t loud…for once he wasn’t, so it was obvious that he was crying behind the door.

“Toshiya, please…just open the door.”

Crying still…

“Toshiya, I’m sorry, please let me explain, I didn’t do it on purpose to hurt you, please let me explain…”

“Just go away Kaoru! Is this your idea of revenge, leading me on and purposely dropping me like I was scum!”

“Toshiya…I told you it’s just sex, and I can explain please…”

“Go away. It’s more than just sex to me!”

That made sense to both of us, he had tugged at my bait and I was sure as hell happy with his answer…but I kept on…




I gave up knocking and pleading, but I didn’t go, somewhere there was hope…I knew it. I sat there by the door all night, I managed to fall asleep, only to be awakened by a soft touch on my shoulder. It was Toshiya in a bathrobe and he was sleepily tapping my shoulder and searching for my hand with half-closed eyes, he was taking me in for the night.

I followed quietly, my eyes lidded with sleep as well, I built my momentum with intent that I was going to sleep in the bedroom. I felt Tosiy’a hand..hard on my chest, stopping me.

He was smiling…softly

I looked up…

“I think you should sleep on the couch tonight…I’ll bring pillows and a blanket for you…” He spoke quietly, silently moving about, I sat quietly in the dark sitting on the couch until he came out again and I took the items from his hand.

He smiled and slwly walked back to the room, shutting the door.

As I laid down on the couch a smile played on my lips….this thing Toshiya and I share, it’s beginning to feel like a real relationship to me. Toshiya and I were starting to interact as people with pride and feelings and mistakes, for the first time we were getting to know each other and demand respect from one another. It was beginning to feel real.

That was enough to get me through tonight.


to be continued

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