Title: Girls Don't Fight
Band: Dir en grey
Pairing: ShinyaxDie, DiexShinya
Comments: This is the second to last part, but it's the decisive part
anyways.. it pretty much ends here actually… Um.. This part was so
hard to write!!! ><;; Mainly because it's been so hard to think of
how to plan Shinya and Die's reaction to everything.. and how to
actually make everything sound just right.. ~_~;; I wonder if I
succeeded with this fic.. I enjoyed writing it though.. ^^;; I hope
everyone who reads this enjoyed it as well..
The almost last part! ^__^
p/s- won't hurt to drop some comments…. .^^;;;;;;
Everything was done. He was out of school, reason? Family matters,
no questions were even asked in the office. He was let go so easily,
his plan was almost too perfect. But he wasn't complaining, it was
fine that everything went the way he wanted it to once in awhile.
His recent apartment had been emptied out, most of the stuffs he
didn't need were sold. He was dying, what was the use for material
` You have one more year to live Terachi-san, I'm sorry. But.. at
least you have time to live it well.' Was what the doctor had said
One more year of emptiness… and then… then… then what? Would he
disappear, become nothingness? Would he be fitted with wings and be
sent to heaven when Kyo was definitely waiting? Or would he fail at
the gateways and be sent to an eternity of hell? It wasn't as if he
didn't deserve it.. He was most probably one of the most deserving of
Ah.. well, one thing at a time. First, he would have to get
accustomed to his one room apartment. Everything was in one place, a
convenience for his slacking health. No one was there to help him
with anything so he had to be thoroughly independent. Kitchen, living
room, and bedroom were all roled into one, the bathroom being merely
steps away. He didn't really mind the cramped space but sometimes he
wished he had more room to breathe.
` At least I'd feel like I'm still living.. instead of like a
walking corpse.' Shinya thought bitterly, drinking the green tea he
had prepared for himself.
He placed the mug on the small round table, looking out of the one
window of his apartment. It overlooked a great deal of the city,
giving him a sense of wanting to be with the rest of mankind, but it
was impossible, and he knew it.
` Afterall.. you'd only end up hurting more people,' Shinya
thought, instantly remembering Die and Mei, ` Let them live in
peace.. maybe then you can die in peace as well.'
The glass of the window held his reflection, showing off the skinny
figure looking back. Shinya smirked at himself, raking a bony hand
through his blond hair, which was still incredibly full with volume.
` God, I just scream "death!" don't I?'
One month passed by and as time moved on, Shinya wished for a more
recent death. Loneliness was something he hated, even if he did crave
for it at times. Being lonely in a world still full of living humans,
it tormented his soul to a point he would sometimes feel as if he had
He looked up at the morning sky. He was standing on a bridge which
looked out at the large stretch of water in front of him. He
frequented the place because he could be near people yet still keep a
distance from them. The cool scent of mornings always gave him hope
and strength to carry on his simple life alone, and so he had turn to
this particular spot every day now for the past few weeks.
Shinya avoided curious eyes, stares at his too-thin figure. He was
definitely losing weight, fast. His cheeks were more sunken now, his
pale skin even more deathlike, nearing pearl white. His arms were a
sorry sight to see, the bones produded out for all to see and his
hands were like almost skeletal; they looked as if they could be
blown off his body at a single breeze. He hated having to dress
himself, having to look at his dying body day by day.
He hated the thought of dying. Though he welcomed it at the same
` I'm growing crazy.' Shinya mused to himself.
A gentle wind swept past him, sending a familiar scent, a familiar
presence becoming known to him. He lowered his eyes to the choppy
waters below, contemplating for a moment to jump. He turned slowly
around and became surprised, even when he knew, deep down, that the
boy had been there.
It was Die, of course.
` Looking as stunning as ever…,' Shinya's eyes were locked with the
red head's, though he took in the full view of the tall boy, ` Hmm..
his hair has grown out a bit.. he's a bit thinner now though.. Why is
he staring at me like that?'
They took in the sight of each other, drinking the image of one
other, contemplating thoughts, deciding words.
Shinya tilted his head to one side when he saw a dark look
momentarily cross over Die's eyes.
` I should go now.. I don't want anymore words to be exchanged
He gave Die one last, fleeting look before turning around, his long
hair swishing behind him, making his way towards his apartment.
The blond one stopped for a moment, hesitant.
Die knew that he had heard his call, he saw it in the way the young
one's shoulder's tensed, the way Shinya was so unsure to keep on
walking or not. He saw that Shinya didn't turn around and after a few
seconds, the blond started to walk ahead again, resuming his course.
" Shinya!" His voice a bit louder now.
This time the boy stopped for sure. His legs were straightened, not
giving any indications of moving from where they stood. His shoulders
were squared, long hair flowing behind him in wisps of slight curls.
` God.. just looking at his back I can know he's still beautiful.'
Die thought wonderously.
The red head jogged up to his former schoolmate, placing a hand on
Shinya's shoulder. He felt the shoulders tense against his touch but
didn't remove his hand, he turned the boy slightly to have a better
look at his face.
He'd changed a bit, becoming frailer than he had already been. One
month seemed to have such an impact on Shinya.
" I've been meaning to tell you… I'm sorry." Die said straight-
Shinya raised both eyebrows in mild surprise.
" I'm sorry.. for hitting you. I wasn't thinking." Die said,
looking deep into the brown eyes staring back into his. " I didn't
mean to hurt you."
" You knew I deserved it." His voice was cold, yet not too cold.
" You didn't deserve any of my words…" Die breathed, releasing his
hold on Shinya's shoulder and pulling the smaller boy against his
him, his arms winding around the frail body, hugging it protectively
close. " Any of it.. I need to learn to control my anger.. my
surprise.. my shock.. whatever it was, better. I hope you forgive me."
Shinya was shocked. Was his ears deceiving him, or was Die actually
apologizing to him? Now? Now, when he'd finally come to grip with the
fact that he could never or ever receive Die's feelings?
" Let me go." Shinya spoke aloud, he couldn't deal with Die hugging
him now. Too many emotions were rushing through, too many thoughts..
He couldn't deal with them.. not now! " Let me go."
" I won't." Die slid a hand down Shinya's back, earning a small
gasp from the blond. " I told you once before.. I love you, you
didn't think the feeling changed, did you?"
" You love Shizuka." Shinya said, blinking back whatever wetness
arising into his eyes, biting his lips from letting out another gasp,
Die's hands were caressing him now. He hardened his voice. " Let me
Die didn't let go but he drew himself back a bit to stare into
Shinya's eyes again. He seemed to think for a moment before leaning
in and catching Shinya's lips with one swift move. Their lips pressed
against each other's, a sweet recollection of the gentle memory they
had shared before secrets were revealed.
Shinya pushed his head back, his hand trying to push Die away but
in his current condition, Die was stronger. Their lips met again,
briefly but the kiss still tingled Shinya's senses after Die drew
himself away again. He was about to hug Shinya close again when the
latter moved away, breaking free from contact.
" I should go." Shinya said, his breathing a bit unsteady. He
narrowed his eyes, as if though reaffirming his words. " I should go."
" Shizuka is you." Die called after Shinya's retreating form,
making the boy stop again. " You are Shizuka, Shinya.. I never loved
a different person, you were just under a different name, that was
all. I realized it when I found you really dropped out of school.
When I stopped seeing you."
Die walked slowly towards Shinya.
" When I thought about you, I had both the image of the girl
Shizuka and also as the new one named Shinya in my mind. Both your
faces blended with each other and I couldn't miss one without missing
the other. I couldn't love one without loving the other. Because
really.. Shizuka is Shinya. Shinya is Shizuka.
" You're both the same person. There's really no difference." Die
held onto Shinya's shoulders again. " I love.. you. The person
Shizuka is.. she's also the person you are. I see that now.. I saw it
then, that night I hit you.. I was just too hurt, too confused to not
realize it sooner. Even when you were hurting by my words.. by Mei's
words.. you could still think for our own importance and you backed
away from me.
" That's why you egged me on. Why you kept on putting oil into the
fire. You didn't want me to be hurt, didn't you? And the person then
was Shinya.. it wasn't the girl I knew, yet it was. It's so confusing
but it's all so simple really… there was no two different people..
you were just the same, Shinya.. you just gave yourself a different
Die gave a sigh before placing his forehead against Shinya's.
" I still love you… so much…"
Shinya let out a shudder of a breath; too much, the risk was too
much. He couldn't be feeling this. Die shouldn't be feeling this. The
both of them.. they couldn't be involved with anything now.. there
would only be too much hurt if they even tried anything now. They
couldn't… they couldn't.. *He* couldn't.. for Die's sake.. for
everyone's sake.. so that no one got hurt…
` I can't feel…' Shinya thought miserably, ` I'm not supposed to
Shinya stepped back from Die again.
" But Die.. I don't love you." Shinya took in another breath of
air. " And even if I once did.. I don't anymore."
" I don't believe that." Die moved closer once more, not about to
let him leave. " I had forgotten something Mei told me when she had
said you weren't a girl. She'd said.. that you'd said you loved me to
her. She thinks you're lying.. But tell me, Shinya.. how does it
benefit you to lie that you love me? It just doesn't makes any
sense.. so.. it must be true."
" I said so because—"
" I don't want to listen to your reasons anymore Shinya, because I
know you'll just be lying!" Die tried to hold Shinya again but the
boy moved out of his reach. " Your eyes don't lie, you were a
terrible liar anyways.. I know the truth."
Shinya looked up at the red head, his eyes threatening to break
tears at his frustration. He didn't need this! Not now! Die was
supposed to have forgotten him! Die wasn't supposed to know how he
felt! Die wasn't even supposed to *like* him anymore, for god's
" I'm going now." Shinya lowered his eyes so that he couldn't see
Die's expression anymore, he might just give into his feelings.
He turned to leave and at first, he thought that Die had finally
left him alone.
He was wrong, Die was following him home.
" Go away." Shinya said, his voice shaking. " Please, just go away.
You don't know what you're saying.. You don't even know me!"
" I know perfectly well what I'm saying, Shinya.. And I know you
better. I've been trying to find you for a month now and now that
you're in front of me, I'm not letting you leave me so easily. You're
mine, you know that."
" I don't belong to anyone. I was never yours." Shinya said
irritably. Why was his heart doubling over at Die's words? He wasn't
supposed to fall in love again! " Stop following me."
" Never. I'll keep on following you until you reach the ends of the
earth, Shinya." Die said from behind. " You can sleep some place else
tonight but I'll still follow you until you've accepted your
feelings… and me. I know what I could have and I'm not about to let
" You won't have anything." Shinya hated how the conversation was
going. It didn't sound like he was winning a bit—and he was leading
Die home! " I said, stop following me!"
Die didn't answer but kept on walking just a few steps behind
Shinya patiently turning in circles at Shinya's own attempt to brush
him off but he was persistent.
They walked everywhere in this fashion.
The park, the cafes, the little shophouses that were so near their
school, the library, the busy streets full of people… still, Die
continued to follow Shinya. And the blond was becoming tired, weary,
annoyed. He'd had a lot of time to think over what was happening to
him and he didn't like how his plans were slowly crumbling before
him. He knew he wouldn't win with Die this time by the time evening
came. They were circling a preschool again and Shinya knew that they
were near his apartment.
The blond looked up at the setting sun, the rays were suddenly
blinding him. Why was the sun shining so brightly? Was it normal, for
the rays to sting his eyes so much?
And then he felt his legs giving way beneath him and he was on
concrete. He heard Die rushing to his side.
" Shinya?" Die called out to the boy, who blinked up at him. "
Shinya, what's wrong?"
The blond moaned a bit, trying to move his legs, unsuccessfully.
" I can't walk anymore."
" This is ridiculous," Die gave a look at Shinya, " Tell me where
you live. Now. I'll carry you there."
Shinya bit his lip. It was obvious that he didn't want to be
carried by Die, nor did he want to tell Die where he lived but it
didn't seem like there was any other choice. He didn't want Die doing
something absurd like bringing him to Die's apartment.
Shinya nodded, though looking very regretful as he did so.
" It's not too far from here. Just walk for a few more blocks until
you see a big orange building. My apartment is on the third floor…,"
Shinya stopped talking then looked rebellious, " You can't carry me
up three flights of stairs!"
Die winked, looking mischievious.
" Wanna bet?"
Before Shinya could protest anymore, Die had placed him on his
back, holding onto his legs carefully. Shinya blushed profusely,
feeling horrified that he was actually being carried by Die. He
really couldn't stop giving hardships to the red head!
" You shouldn't carry me.." Shinya mumbled, feeling guilty. He
shouldn't have ever gone out of his apartment at all. It was safer
without contacts with society at all.
" Don't even try, Shinya." Die was walking now, slowly, but he
didn't seem to be having any problems with the weight on his back. "
Just hold onto me, I don't want you to fall or slip off."
Shinya hesitantly wrapped his arms around Die's neck, still
blushing like a mad school girl. He vaguely had a memory of his arms
around Die and smiled a bit, resting his head against the back of
" You're not about to sleep, are you?" Die asked suddenly.
Shinya didn't answer for a moment but then decided that he wouldn't
answer the question. It was unimportant anyways.
" You shouldn't carry me." Shinya repeated again, though he still
held onto Die. His heart was pounding furiously, he'd never been so
close to Die before—even when they kissed, they had a distance
between them.. but being with him now, it was closer than they'd ever
been. " You shouldn't carry me."
" Insistent, aren't you?" Die chuckled a bit. " Well, how about
this for an answer… I love you, so I'm gonna carry you whenever I
want whenever the time calls for it."
" You can't love me." Shinya paused. " You won't."
" I can. I do." Die answered, adjusting Shinya on his back before
kicking open the door to the orange building. " Here we are!"
Shinya tried to make himself as light as possible as Die made the
trip up the three flights of stairs but it was quite impossible. They
reached his floor in a few minutes, Die was a bit out of breath but
he recovered quickly.
" Now, which one's yours?"
Shinya hesitated. Could he really show where he lived?
" We've gotten this far, don't tell me you're not telling me now?"
Die glanced up through Shinya's long locks of blond hair.
Shinya sighed. He had no choice.
" Second on the right."
They arrived in no time at all and Die didn't put Shinya down even
then. He leant forward so that Shinya could unlock the door then
carried him inside.
The red head was a bit surprised at how small the apartment was but
didn't voice it out. He placed Shinya on the awaiting bed then
remained standing, glancing around the room, inspecting how there
were unwashed dishes, some scattered paper cups, clothes strewn here
Shinya fidgeted at where he sat.
" You can go now."
Die glanced down at him, raising one fine eyebrow.
" I said," Shinya cleared his throat, " You can go now. Thanks for
bringing me here."
Die was silent. He kept on gazing at Shinya for the longest time
before moving forward, one knee next to Shinya's figure, leaning into
the other. Shinya's eyes widened as Die pushed him back against the
small bed, even more when the red head kissed him gently before
starting to remove his clothes.
His strength suddenly came back to him.
Pushing Die away, he glared at the red head.
" No." There were some things he couldn't allow. Die would be
endangered if they did anything. He wouldn't put Die in the same
position he had done to Kyo. " No, you should go now."
Die saw that there was no trace of uncertainty in Shinya's eyes and
that the boy was determined for him to leave. However, he wasn't up
to leaving at the moment. He shrugged at Shinya's comment and let his
hands travel towards Shinya's clothings again, intent on pushing the
sweater off of the boy's body.
Shinya's hands stopped him again.
" No, Die.. you can't. I can't."
" I want to show you love, Shinya." Die spoke softly, startling
Shinya. " I haven't been showing that well enough when I'm around
you. I really do love you.. but I'm just hopeless and I can't figure
out a better way to really *show* you.. to make you believe me."
" But Die—"
" I suppose it's hard to believe the words of a 17 year old boy,
especially when he really messed it up the last time we met," Die
said, his eyes gentle as he succeeded in removing Shinya's sweater, "
But it's true. I do love you."
Shinya was surprised when he realized that he was no longer wearing
his sweater. He glanced down at the side of the bed and saw the piece
of clothing. He glanced at the shirt he was wearing then at Die,
before starting to panic. He couldn't let anything happen between
them.. if something did.. he'd never be able to forgive himself, even
" Die, no!" Shinya pleaded, trying to sit up only to be pushed back
again. " Die, you don't understand.. I'm.."
" Why're you wearing extra clothing, Shinya?" Die's eyes looked
surprised. " It's not even nearing winter.."
" Die, listen—"
Die didn't, of course. He helped himself to removing the shirt as
well, with much protest from Shinya, who was starting to kick at his
legs from underneath him. Die threw the shirt into a corner of the
room, ignoring Shinya's words, about to offer a kiss to calm the boy
down but Shinya pushed him back so that the blond could sit up.
" Ando Daisuke, I'm a HIV positive!" Shinya yelled out, as loudly
as he could. " I've got AIDS! You can't sleep with me! I'm dying!
You're gonna die too if you sleep with me!"
Die blinked at the sudden proclamation. It was time to process yet
another piece of information. He watched as Shinya gasped in deep
breaths of air, the thin shoulders shaking, from the cold or from
anger he couldn't tell.
It was then that he noticed how terribly sick the boy looked. How
pale Shinya's skin was. How every bone seemed to be defined across
the skin that stretched over it. But even with his skinniness, it
didn't seem to matter since he was still beautiful. Even as a boy, he
was beautiful. It just didn't matter..
" Die.. please.. just leave me alone.." Shinya's plead cut through
Die looked up again at Shinya's face, then sighed. He placed his
hand on Shinya's cheek, reaching behind Shinya's head to steady him
as he leaned in for a kiss.
Shinya was surprised, yet again. He blinked once, twice, then three
times after Die's lips left his momentarily. He didn't struggle when
the red head gently pushed him back against his bed once more.
" That's why you didn't think I could love you?" Die asked, his
voice still gentle. " Because you're sick with AIDS? Is that why?"
" You can't.. love me…," Shinya shook his head, he tried to force
his tears back. He didn't want to cry again.., why was this
happening? " I don't want you to die…"
Die's hand was on his face again, the warm palm pressed invitingly
against his cheek. Shinya involuntarily leaned into the touch,
closing his eyes, not realizing that a tear managed to slid through
his lids, wetting the open palm.
" Why?" Die's voice came again. " Why don't you want me to die?"
Shinya realized when he was going with the question; he didn't want
to answer it.
" Why Shinya?" The voice persisted.
" Why?" The voice dropped to a whisper.
" You don't care for me? You want me to keep on being miserable
" Because I love you Die!" Shinya shouted out, reaching out and
embracing the taller boy, holding the body close to his. " I love you
too much to let you die! Not this way.. I don't want to hurt you
anymore.. I've hurt you enough! It's enough!
" And anyways.. you shouldn't be with me.. you should be with Mei..
so that you'd be normal.. It's not normal if you love me.. We're both
guys..," Shinya choked on his next words, " I don't want you to
become a freak like me."
Die's lips covered his own again, pressing against his with
passion. He wasn't given time to consider breaths of air, he wasn't
given time to think… Die's lips nudged his to part themselves and
Shinya submitted to them, letting Die's tongue enter his mouth,
caressing the insides of his mouth so lovingly tender that he wished
to just scream out with frustration.
He couldn't love him! He shouldn't! Why was he letting himself…?
Die drew back a bit and touched their lips together briefly before
drawing away for a few seconds. Shinya's eyes fluttered open when he
didn't feel Die's touch then widened when he saw the red head remove
his own shirt.
" But Die!" Shinya started to protest. " We can't! I can't! This is
wrong! Didn't you hear me? I've got AIDS! You can't!"
" I can. And I will." Die carefully crawled back on top of Shinya's
body, placing a kiss on the side of the boy's neck. " So what if
you've got AIDS? I'm gonna love you while I still can then."
" But you—"
" Why should I care if I'd die or not? What I should care about is
you.." Die's eyes turned gentle again as his hands travelled down to
Shinya's pants. " Don't you want to love me as well?"
Shinya shook his head.
" I can't."
" I didn't ask you if you can or cannot. I asked you if you want
Shinya looked into Die's eyes then tilted his head back so that he
could kiss the red head.
" Of course I do…"
" Then there's nothing wrong." Die covered Shinya's lips again, his
hands working to be rid of Shinya's jeans.
" But what if I—"
" I won't let you die." Die held Shinya's hands in his staring
assuringly into his eyes. " I'll make sure of that."
Shinya closed his eyes, deciding to just give in. He was too tired
to fight anyways. He didn't even *want* to fight.
` I just don't want to regret this…'
Shinya awoke to the feeling of an empty space beside him. His eyes
opened immediately and searched the small apartment for the person
he'd spent the night with. He relaxed upon seeing Die at his kitchen
space. The red head had cleaned up the area, making them breakfast
for two. There was even tea glasses set out.
" Ohayou." Die greeted him, smiling warmly.
" Ohayou." Shinya sat up on his bed then steadied himself as he
tried to stand up. He winced slightly at the pain that crept up his
back. " Do you always jump into the sack with everyone you realize
you've fallen in love with?"
Die gave a hearty chuckle at the question, setting down dorayakis
on the table.
" Just you."
Shinya smiled at the answer then tried to stand again. Die saw his
difficulty to get up.
" Do you need any help?" He looked worriedly over to the blond.
" No, I'm fine." Shinya smiled again, an achingly beautiful smile
that reminded Die of the aloof Shizuka he'd known. " Go on with
Die shook his head at the vision of Shizuka.
` He's Shinya.'
Turning around, he was about to cook some eggs when he heard a
loud `thump!' on the floor. He glanced back then cursed out loud,
running to Shinya's still form on the floor.
" Shinya?? Shinya wake up!"
` Sakura Hospice is a pleasant place to be for those.. awaiting.
Terachi-san has about three more months, his condition has grown
worst in the past few weeks.. he's got very little time left. I
really suggest him to stay at the hospice, at least he'll be
comfortable before he dies.'
Die looked at gloomy building in front of him to where Shinya had
A hospice. A place where anyone who checked in, never checked out.
A place where someone goes to die. How awful. Why'd he bring the
person he loved to a place like this anyways?
` He needs to be on medication.. to lessen his pain. His nerves are
giving way now.'
Die remembered the doctors words. The bitch. She couldn't have even
*tried* to break the news to them even more gently. Shinya had been
accepting but Die hadn't wanted to agree at first; but then the fact
that Shinya *would* be made more comfortable there came to his mind
and he had relented at last.
He was now staring at his sleeping beauty. Die smiled sadly.
" Shinya… I don't regret anything…," He whispered softly into
Shinya's ear, " I just wish I had more time to love you…"
End of Part 7
Notes: urm…. How was that?? *worries* oh god.. *chews on nails* .. I
hope it was alright…
Comments, anyone? I've got to think before I post the last part…