I looked into the darkness, wondering when I fell asleep. Maybe when Die was holding me. The drug that the doctor gave me must’ve been really effective. I laid there on my hard bed, staring into the darkness, wondering what time it was.
Where was Die? Did he go home already, and leave me alone to cope with that girl?
Impossible. He *promised* me that he’d stay… right? Or what is something else that he promised me? My memory was still fuzzy because of the drug… but I still remembered what I told Die a few hours ago.
I turned to my side and stared at the table. I realized there was something on it, so I got up and unsteadily walked over to the table. I squinted my eyes and looked closer.
It was a rabbit.
Well, of course not a real one, it was a small, furry rabbit wearing pink overalls and holding a carrot. So cute. I noticed a folded piece of paper under the rabbit and pulled it from under the rabbit and unfolded it. I didn’t really recognize the handwriting, but I was sure it was Die’s. He never left me notes, he was always there to tell me anything that I needed to know.
‘ Sorry I had to leave Totchi… I had some work to finish. I left the rabbit so you won’t feel so lonely if you wake up and I’m not there, I hope you like it! If you feel lonely, or scared, just hug the rabbit tightly and close your eyes. You’ll feel much better, I guarantee it, it always works for me!
I smiled as I clutched the note in my right hand and took the rabbit in my left hand. I moved back towards my bed and laid down, hugging the rabbit in one hand and holding the note in my other hand. I closed my eyes and slowly drifted off to sleep.
Giggling. Eerie giggling. The giggling that I heard so often.
‘Totchi-kun… let’s play! Come on, we’ll have so much fun..’ the small voice called out to me.
I shivered and clutched the rabbit tightly.
But it wasn’t there.
I frantically searched around for it, but to no avail. The giggling became louder and louder.
‘You won’t find it, Totchi-kun… you’ll never find it… like you’ll never find peace..’ the voice called out again, giggling.
I shut my eyes tightly as I heard her voice ringing in my ear like and irritating bell. I held my hands to my ears and tried to close out her voice, but it was still there. I could feel her come closer, and closer. Then I gasped.
She had entered my body. I panicked as I heard her giggling from inside me. I stood still, not knowing what to do.
‘I told you, Totchi-kun… you’ll never escape me…’
What alse could I do at a moment like that?
I could feel hands shaking me over and over again. My eyes opened instantly and I looked at the person in front of me.
He looked so worried, and he looked relieved when I opened my eyes.
“Kami-sama, Totchi! Are you alright? You were screaming in your sleep… did she disturb you there? Didn’t you hold Bunny-chan?” he asked me frantically, taking me into his arms, holding me tightly.
I just sat there, in Die’s arms, frozen. I looked at my hands. They were perfectly normal. I felt Die rocking back and forth, soothing me.
“Die…” I whispered softly.
“Hai? Is there something wrong? Is there something you want to tell me?” he asked, stroking my hair softly.
I stayed silent, debating whether or not to tell him what happened in my dream. It was just so real, I wasn’t sure if it was real or…
“Totchi?” he said. His voice cut through my thoughts.
‘Tell him,’ a voice inside my head commanded.
“Umm, I had a dream…” I started slowly.
“Mmmhmm… and?” he asked.
“She was there, in my dream, you know, the girl…” I continued.
“Well, I looked for the rabbit, but it wasn’t there! In my dream, I mean. And then she said that I’ll never find peace and then I think she took control of my body, or something… then I woke up.” I told him.
Silence. I felt his arms tighten around me, though. I felt his breath on my neck.
“Die?” I asked him.
He slowly pulled away and started pacing around my room. He tapped his chin once in a while, and then looked out the window. He crossed his arms and coughed. Not just a normal cough, a violent, dry cough. He coughed and coughed, holding his throat.
“Die!” I screamed, jumping out of bed and rushed to him.
I patted his back as he coughed again and again. When he finally stopped coughing, he looked at me, his face pale. He managed a very small smile, then held my hand.
“Die? Daijobu? Are you alright?” I asked him worriedly, running my fingers of my other hand through his crimson hair.
He smiled at me again.
“Daijobu desu… don’t worry,” he said softly, his voice hoarse.
I picked my food with my chopsticks. Die just stared at the food in front of him. We were eating in the institution’s cafeteria since the doctors wouldn’t let Die take me out yet. I pushed the disgusting looking food to the side of my plate, which was almost everything on my plate. I glanced at Die worriedly, he’d been silent ever since we sat down. And that wasn’t normal of him.
“Die?” I said softly to him, touching his hand gently.
He looked up at me and gave me such a forced smile, I couldn’t smile back.
“Hai? What’s wrong, Totchi?” he asked me.
“I was going to ask you that,” I replied quietly.
I could see his face fall when I said that. He pulled his hand back and picked up his chopsticks.
“Let’s just eat, ne? I don’t want you to become a pile of bones again,” he said, laughing nervously.
I remained silent as I watched Die part his chopsticks and pick at the food in his plate. He looked flustered. He didn’t to anything but pick at his food, I didn’t really understand his definition for ‘eat’.
We spent the next hour in silence, picking at our food.
I looked over at Die who was sitting on a chair and flipping through a magazine absent-mindedly. He heaved a sigh and I turned to the other side of my bed.
Die had told me to rest, and he promised to accompany me until the doctor came to kick him out. He smiled when he said this, but then after entering my room and tucking me up, he didn’t smile anymore. His lips were in a straight line, making the impression that he wasn’t happy with something. He continued flipping through the magazine and finally put the magazine down and came to sit by my side.
I quickly shut my eyes tightly as I felt him running his fingers through my hair. He sighed again but his fingers were still combing my hair. Then I heard him speak so softly.
“Totchi… I wish I could tell you, but I can’t. It’s the most difficult thing to do, and I can’t bear to see you in anymore pain. I love you Totchi… nothing will ever change that. Not even if I…” his voice trailed off and I thought I heard him sob.
I felt him press his cheek againts my shoulder. I felt his tears through the thin fabric of my clothes. It broke my heart to feel his tears, especially since he’s never cried in front of me before.
“I love you so much,” he whispered sadly.
I felt him pull away gently and I heard him get up. He walked to the window and stared out absent-mindedly at the view in front of him. He pressed his forehead againts the glass and closed his eyes, as if trying to find peace in the scenery in front of him.
I shifted my position uncomfortably, and closed my eyes again. My heart ached to hear Die talk in such a sad tone.
What,Die? What can’t you tell me? What are you hiding from me? What are you ptotecting me from?
I soon fell asleep with those thoughts in my mind.
It was dark when I woke up. My chest felt heavy, as though there was something on it. That something shifted in it’s sleep and the continued sleeping. I reconized the flaming mop of hair instantly.
So the doctor’s *didn’t* kick him out. He was sure lucky he was persuasive.
I ran my fingers through his hair lovingly, admiring the peacefully sleeping face.
Then he opened his eyes. I was so shocked, and I pulled my hand back and gasped. He lifted his head up from my chest and rubbed his neck. He looked at me and smiled.
“Konbanwa, beautiful,” he greeted me, scratching his head sheepishly.
I could feel colour rising to my cheeks when he said that. He laughed and pulled a chair next to my bed and sat down on it.
“Sorry for falling asleep on you, ne? I guess I was just tired,” he apologised.
Why the sudden formality? I shook away those thoughts from my mind an offered him a smile. He took my hand into his and held it tightly, then bringing it to his lips and gently pressed his lips on it.
“Ne… I have to go… early shift at work tomorrow. But, I’ll come as soon as I can, and I’ll have a surprise for you!” he told me cheerfully.
I forced myself to smile at his words. I couldn’t help but feel afraid that the girl would come again the second Die walked out of the room.
Die must’ve seen the look on my face. He pulled me close and held me tightly. I could hear his slow, steady heartbeat againts mine, and I just sat there, enjoying the moment. He pulled away and kissed my forehead and bid me goodbye.
“Die?” I called out to him. He stopped in his tracks.
“Nani yo?” he asked, turning towards me.
“Waratte yo,” I told him. He stood still for a second then smiled. A true, warm sincere smile.
“Hai, sensei!” he replied, saluting me and walked out the door grinning to himself.
I smiled to myself contentedly and laid back down on my bed, falling asleep instantly.
-End of part 5-
to be continued
back to deg fics pg 3