Hurt pt 6
What had gotten into the doctors today? The moment I woke up, they bustled around and practically shoved me into the garden and forced me to sit there. That was unusual because they usually tell me to stay inside, for my own good and also for others. I was still confused, but I sat there silently, staring at my hands in confusion.
I had been sitting there for almost two hours. I just looked at the people that were in the garden, most of them were in wheelchairs. I shifted my gaze and stared at the patch of green grass in front of me. Suddenly there were a pair of shoes on that patch of grass. I didnít recognize the shoes, but I certainly reconized the smell. I looked up and was greeted by a cheerful smile.
"Hello there, Totchi! Been waiting for me, ne?" Die greeted me happily.
I gasped looking at him. He had cut his hair. From the long, swishy hair, it was now just up to his chin, but it made him look nice anyway. He always looked nice.
"Like the new look?" he asked, sitting down next to me .
I turned towards him and smiled. He smiled back and gave me a peck on the cheek.
"Is this the surprise?" I asked him.
"Part of it," he replied.
"Whatís the rest?" I asked curiously. He gave me a mischevious grin and dug into his jacketís pocket.
He took out a simple silver chain with a key attatched to it.
"This," he said, putting it around my neck.
I looked at the key and then back at Die. He smiled again.
"The key to my apartment," he told me. "For you to use when you get out of this dump." He continued.
I looked down at the ground and thoughts filled my mind. What if I never got out of this place? Then Dieís key would be of no use to me. Something came across my mind and I looked up at Die who was lighting a cigarette.
"Die? You said you had an early shift at work todayÖ" I trailed off.
Die took a long drag out of his cigarette and simply answered," I quit."
Those words shocked me. I looked at him in bewilderment as he continued smoking.
"Why?" I asked.
"So I could concentrate on you," he replied, not looking at me.
Oh great. So now I feel guilty because Die quit his job and he wonít be getting any money to live.
"You shouldnít have done that. Iím not worth all this," I told him.
Die threw his cigarette on the grass and stomped it out. Then I felt a stinging feeling on my left cheek. Die slapped me, hard.
"You idiot! Wake up, will you?! You have no idea how much you mean to me, so donít tell me that youíre not worth what Iím doing now, I wonít stand that shit from you or from anyone else! And you *will* leave this place, you *will* be able to use my key, and youíll be with me, forever!" he yelled at me.
I held my palm to my cheek, listening to what Die said to me just now. He was out of breath and coughing after he finished yelling. I looked at him coughing vioently and felt another pang of guilt. I knelt down on the grass next to him and patted his back, trying to soothe him. He pushed my hand away and continued coughing.
"Why canít you understand how I feel? Are my feelings so hard to understand?" he choked out.
I took Dieís trembling form in my arms and held him close.
"DieÖ relax, okay? Iím here, donít worry, ne? Just relax," I said to him softly.
He stopped shaking and hugged me back.
"Iím so sorry, Totchi. Iím sorry for everything," he whispered hoarsely to me.
"Sorry for what? For making me happy, making me feel wanted?" I asked him gently, pulling away from him gently.
I looked at his tear stained face. I wiped the tears away just like he did to me. Hearing him cry was bad enough, now I had to see those tears trickling down his lovely face. I still wasnít used to the fact that Die cried. I always thought that there wasnít any sadness in him that would ever cause him to cry. Now I know that no oneís perfect.
The doctors trusted Die enough to let him take me out again. We went to the community center again.
I smiled looking at the building. Everyone there was happy, no matter what problems they had. I followed Die inside and in a room that Iíve never seen before. There were stacks and stacks of paper, it mustíve been the office. He told me to sit down as he searched through some files.
I sat down on a chair when the door suddenly burst open and in came a raging puplehead. I didnít get to see his face, but there was something familiar about him. Die turned to the person that had just come in in surprise.
"YOU ASSHOLE!!!!!" the person shouted at him. Die stared at him, shocked.
"Kaoru," he said softly.
"Yes. Kaoru. Why the hell did I suddenly get news that you quit your job to be a social worker?!" Kaoru spat out at him.
"Let me do what I want, Kaoru. You have no right to interfere," Die answered him coolly.
"Oh, really? Then who does? Huh? Who?" Kaoru demanded.
"No one does," Die told him.
I remained in my seat, listening to them quietly. What was Kaoru doing here? I thought that Die had told me that Kaoru didnít mean anything to him anymore. Why is he here now, yelling at Die as though it was his daily routine?
The noise in the room stopped for a while when Kaoru caught sight of me.
"And whoís that? Another one of those people that you pity so much? An orphan? An AIDS patient?" Kaoru asked Die, not taking his eyes off me.
"This is Toshiya." Die said quietly.
Kaoru walked towards me in such a manner I shrank back from his retreating figure. He grabbed my arm and pulled me up.
"I donít care who you are. GET OUT!!!" he yelled at me, opening the door and throwing me out.
I landed on my hands and knees and heard the door lock. I heard Die yelling at Kaoru and Kaoru yelled back at him. Then I heard someone sigh. I looked up.
Shinya. He smiled at me warmly and helped me up. I brushed dust off my knees and looked at the silhouette of the two people yelling at each other.
"That always happens, if Die and Kaoru are in the same room. Now, that is. Before they broke up, they were such a happy couple," Shinya explained to me.
I glanced back at the two figures yelling at each other and a thought came across my mind.
"Shinya?" I said softly.
"Yes?" he replied, turning towards me.
"Why is Kaoru so mad at Die for quitting his job? Havenít they broken up?" I asked him.
Shinya turned away from me slightly to look at the two figures that were still yelling at each other.
"You seeÖ Die works at the same place Kaoru does. So if he doesnít work there anymore, he wonít be near Kaoru," he began slowly. I looked at him, confused.
He noticed the look on my face and continued.
"So they wonít see each other anymoreÖ and Kaoruís not so happy about that," Shinya said, sighing.
"But Ė " I started but was cut off when Shinya talked again.
"Iím sure youíre confused why Kaoru cares that he wonít see Die so much anymore, ne?" he said to me.
"Well, the truth is, Kaoru still loves Die," he told me. " They broke up because of a small fight, which made Kaoru really pissed and he went looking for someone to make Die jealousÖ and, well, he succeeded. He found Sugizo."
I stood there, stunned. Kaoru still loved Die? But Kaoru was with someone else? What about Die?
Life is such a mess.
Shinyaís voice interrupted my thoughts.
"I feel sorry for both of themÖ Kaoru always asks me how Die is, and Die, well, he just doesnít care about Kaoru anymore. He was too hurt, he turned away from Kaoru and wouldnít accept him anymore. I keep on telling Kaoru to move on, and be happy with that pinkhead he has nowÖ but he just doesnít wanít to let go of Die," he explained.
Oh. So the pinkhead that I heard Die talking about was Sugizo. Die must hate him a lot. I looked down at the floor, my heart aching. What if Die still loves Kaoru? Then Iíve been living in lies ever since he came into my life.
I looked up again when I heard the door of the office opening and slammed shut.
Kaoru. He looked at me with such hate and anger, I could almost feel his eyes burning holes through me. He nodded to Shinya then left. I looked at the office door as Die walked out, calm as ever. He straightened his jacket and coughed a bit, then looked at me and smiled. He held a handful of papers in his right hand.
"Sorry you had to see that, Totchi. I guess I donít know how violent Kaoru can be, even though Iíve been with him for half a year," he apologised to me.
I shook my head, telling him it was alright. He smiled at me again and handed the papers to Shinya. Shinya flipped through the papers and nodded at us, walking towards the office.
"Lets get out of here, ne?" Die asked me, pulling my arm.
I nodded and followed him out of the building. We passed Kaoru who was starting the engine of his car. I realized Die turned his head to look at him, then looked at me and smiled.
What could I do? I smiled back.
I rubbed my eyes, my head spinning. I had just woken up, to the dreary room that I lived in at the awful institution. I blinked a couple of times, and I saw something move in front of me. A purple-headed something.
I sat up straight and looked at him. He stood in front of my bed, just looking at me with no expression on his face. At that time of the morning, with the curtains closed, he was a spitting image of Death himself. He pulled his lips into a forced smile and sat down on a plastic chair.
"Ohayo," he greeted me.
"Kaoru desu. Iím sorry we didnít get to know each other yesterday," he said.
"Thatís alright. Toshiya desu," I told him.
"SoÖ what are you doing here?" he asked.
"What do you think?" I replied.
Silence. I shifted my eyes to the windows, for once wishing that they were open, so I could look at something besides the objects in this room. I looked around the room and my eyes settled on the rabbit that Die gave me. Kaoru followed my gaze and smiled when he saw what I was looking at.
"Ah, Die mustíve given that to you, ne?" he said quietly.
"I have one that looks like that. We won it at an arcade last year." He continued.
Silence again. He finally stood up and paced around the room, stuffing his hands in his pocket and lit up a cigarette.
"You donít mind?" he asked, gesturing towards the cigarette between his lips.
I shook my head.
He smirked and took a long drag from his cigarette. We were just like that for quite a while, in our places in silence. When he broke the silence.
"Youíll never have him, you know," he said, staring out the window.
I knew who he was talking about.
"He still loves me," Kaoru said softly.
"No, he doesnít." I told him.
Kaoru walked over to me, walking in slow, steady strides. He put his hand on my head and ruffled my hair lightly.
"Poor thingÖ this time Die likes a naïve one.." he said.
He trailed a finger down to my cheek. I could feel his nail againts my skin, and it wasnít exactly a nice feeling. I looked away from him, avoiding his eyes. But he tilted my chin with his finger and pressed his lips againts mine softly. He broke off and he did what I was expecting him to do.
He slapped my cheek. Hard.
I held my hand to my cheek as I looked at him hatefully. He had an evil glint in his eyes and smirked.
"Baka. You can never compete againts me. I always win, and my opponents always lose. And itíll be the same this time." He said with malice in his voice.
He walked back to the chair where he left his bag and picked it up. He slung it over his shoulder and walked towards the door. I dropped my hand to my side and gripped the sheets tightly. Kaoru turned to look at me and smiled cynically.
"You will lose. I will win. Sayonara, Toshiya." He said firmly.
He laughed and tossed his hair, leaving my room. I hugged my knees, wishing for Die to appear that very moment, so I could tell him exactly what his ex-lover had done to me. My cheek still hurt where Kaoru had slapped me, but the pain there wasnít as painful as the pain in my heart. That pig-headed purple-head had succeded in making me feel two inches tall.
But at least he was so totally wrong about one thing. Die *doesnít* love him anymore, and he wonít love him, no matter what Kaoru says or does. Because Die loves me. I know he does, and he doesnít have to tell me over and over again because I trust him.
So why do I feel so offended by Kaoruís words if I know that he will never win? Why am I upset by his words when I know that theyíre not true? WhyÖ do I feel like Die *does* still love him?
I let go of my knees and huddled under the blankets, seeking warmth from the cold morning. I looked at the clock on the wall. I only had a few more minutes before the nurse would come and open the curtains and set down the so-called Ďbreakfastí on the table. I closed my eyes, trying not to think about Kaoru.
"Argh!!!!" I yell out in frustration.
Why canít I get him off my mind? Why do I keep seeing him smile that scary, cynical smile at me? Why? Why? Why???
"No, donít freak out. This is normal. Normal. Of course you canít get him off your mind yet, he just left! And who wouldnít freak out after seeing that smile of his? Gotta control yourself, Hara Toshimasa. Control yourself," I said outloud, encouraging myself.
I opened my eyes and saw a nurse looking at me with pity in her eyes. Oh, yuck. I hate it when people look at me like that. Itís not like itís the first time Iíve talked to myself.
I gave her a blank look and shifted my gaze to the window. I heard her setting the tray down on the table and she cleared her throat.
"AnoÖ I wsa told to give you a new type of medicine, itís on the tray along with your breakfast. And someone named Die called a while ago. He said that he wonít be able to visit today, he didnít say why." She said.
I continued staring out the window, feeling my heart ache. Just perfect. The person that I want to see most wonít be coming. I heard the nurse say something else, but I was too cought up in my own thoughts to pay attention to what she was saying.
" Ė but the doctors said thatÖ" she trailed off, sounding like one of those annoying twittering birds out in the lawn.
She finally stopped talking and excused herself, much to my relief. I heard the door close with a click and then the whole room was enveloped in silence.
I heaved a sigh and got up and went to the table, looking at the Ďfoodí on the tray. I recoginzed two small white pellets and a glass of water. The rest of the food on the tray was unidentified. Reminds me of the song that me and my buddies used to sing at primary school when they served icky-looking food. I swallowed the pellets and gulped down some water.
I headed back to bed and lay there for a while. No one ever told me life in an asylum could be this boring. I tried to remember the song and smiled as the words formed in my head.
"Great green globs of greasy grimy gofer guts,
Mutalated monkey feet, chops of baby parakeetÖ" I sang, smiling at the memory.
"And I forgot my spoon to eat,"
-End of part 6-
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