Hurt pt 6
notes: ^^;;; hisashiburi ne… I finally got to writing this part.. ^^;; gomen for being so late! Anyway, this part is based on one of the songs by Sheila on 7, an Indonesian band that I really like. So, this part is a song fic part.. so, okay… I hope this makes it easier to understand:
=====: in between the song lyrics and translations
Enjoy ne! And comments won't hurt, ne? ^^;;; *hint hint*
Datanglah sayang, dan biarkan ku berbaring
Di pelukanmu, walaupun tuk sejenak
Usaplah dahiku, dan kan ku katakan semua
Come, my love, and let me lie here
In your embrace, even for a brief moment
Stroke my forehead, and let me reveal everything
I hugged myself, comforting my shivering body from the cold morning. I glared at the open windows, cursing whoever that dared to open it to hell. I would've gotten down from my bed to close it myself, but the strong gusts of wind that blew through the windows made me change my mind immediately.
Not as if my bed were any warmer.
I closed my eyes, wishing with all my heart that he would come and rescue me from the cold, wrapping his strong arms around me and warming me up, telling me that everything would be alright. I could almost picture him smiling that melting smile of his as he teased me for not being able to brave the cold.
Oh god I miss him. He hasn't been here for almost two weeks, and the doctors are worried that I'll go into depression, especially in my 'metally unstable' condition. For the first time I almost believed that I would go into depression if I didn't see Die again. I didn't have anyone to talk to about Kaoru. I needed comfort, and the doctors were useless for that. They believed that an insane mental institution patient such as myself is unable to feel any deep feelings toward another person. What a load of crap.
I sighed as I drew the blankets up to my chin, still wishing for unattainable warmth. I looked up as I heard the door open with a creak, where a tall figure was standing.
Die. I could feel myself smiling. He smiled at me and walked towards the opened windows and closed them, pulling the curtains closed as well. He then sat next to me on my bed and took my cold hand and held it tightly.
" Hello Totchi… how are you?" he asked, pressing his lips gently againts my hand.
I couldn't really reply to that answer because I didn't know what my answer would be. He seemed to have read my mind and lay down, pulling the rest of the blanket over himself. He wrapped his arms around my waist and let me cuddle against him.
I felt his warm breath againts my skin and I felt completely at ease with him.
" Why didn't you come before this?" I asked, looking at him in the eye.
" I was sick. I had to go to the hospital and stuff…" he trailed off, a faraway look on his handsome face.
" Hospital? What happened? Daijobu?" I wrapped my arms around his waist tightly. He ruffled my hair.
" Don't worry about me, I'm fine. What about you? The doctors said to me just now that you almost went into depression when I didn't come."
I felt colour rise to my cheeks.
" You love me so much, ne?" he said teasingly, resting his forehead againts mine.
" Well, you didn't come for almost two weeks, Die. Before that you came everyday… before we met Kaoru.." I trailed off, not knowing what else to say. I felt Die's embrace loosen.
I looked at his face, reading the expression written clearly there. He smiled nervously, trying to hide his real feelings, but failing. What was it with Kaoru? Why did he have to intrude into our lives?
" Let's not talk about him, okay, Totchi? He's not a part of our lives, so lets not let him do any damage to us, alright?" Die stroked my hair lovingly, a sincere look in his eyes. He kissed my forehead and wrapped me in another warm embrace.
I nodded and leaned againts him, hearing the steady beating of his heart. He coughed several times, but patted my back and told me that it was just an itch in his throat.
Bila kulelah tetaplah di sini
Jangan tinggalkan aku sendiri
Bila kumarah biarkan ku bersandar
Jangan kau pergi untuk menghindar
When I am weak stay beside me
Don't leave me all alone
When I am upset let me lean on you
Don't go away to avoid me
" Die?" I said, my head still againts his chest.
" Mmhmm?" he answered, running his long fingers through my hair.
" I haven't been out of this room for two weeks, you know." I pointed out, hoping that he would get the point.
" And you're bored, aren't you, Totchi?" he patted my back lightly.
I shrugged. I always wondered how Die could be so good at mind-reading. Somehow, he would always know when I was sad, sick, happy, gloomy… everything. He knew almost everything about me, except my past, which I don't want him to. And he knows that I don't want him to know.
I always feel so weak when I'm with him. It's like I can't stand up for myself whenever I'm with him, like I'm this useless and burdening… thing that just keeps standing in his way.
" Totchi? What's bothering you?" his voice broke through my thoughts.
I faked a smile and shook my head. He smiled back and took a quick look a his watch and made a move to get up. I quickly held his arm as strongly as I could with my thin hands. He looked at me and lay back down.
" Don't leave me, you just came…" my voice almost broke.
His expression softened and he pulled me towards him, whispering in my ear that he would never leave me.
Was that true? Would Die always be there whenever I needed him?
" Now what's going on in my Totchi's head?" he asked, poking my temples gently.
" Nothing much." I replied, leaning against him as he tightened his hold on me.
I smiled as he planted another soft kiss on my cheek, assured that he would stay with me today, and not go anywhere else. Even so, I still had this uneasy feeling deep inside my heart that told me something was wrong. Kaoru's cruel words swam back into my mind, making me feel queasy and upset. I wanted so much to confront Die, and ask him what the hell was going on, but I guess I already know the answer. He'll say that Kaoru and him were lovers, and that was the past, and Kaoru wasn't part of his life anymore. More easily said than done, they say.
At least he's here. With me. Not with that annoying purplehead that uses people. I sympathize with that Sugizo person, and I truly hope that he will get someone better and more deserving. Thinking about him makes me feel lucky that I have Die to lean on for support, for comfort. But who knows? Maybe Kaoru and Sugizo made a pact that it would all just be a physical thing, with no concern of emotion.
My thoughts were interrupted again when Die let out a sigh and coughed violently. Again he waved it off, saying it was just an itch in his throat. I remained silent, knowing that I couldn't do anything to help him.
" Totchi? Can I ask you something?" he asked gently.
" Yes, go on." I urge him.
" Is there something wrong? Is there anything you want to tell me?" his hands were now on my shoulders, his eyes gazing deep into mine, searching for a straight answer.
I shrug. He can do it, so can I.
" It's Kaoru, isn't it?" he guessed, firming his grip on my shoulders.
Rasakan resahku dan buat aku tersenyum
Dengan canda tawamu
Walaupun tuk sekejap
Karna hanya engkaulah yang sanggup redakan aku
Feel my uneasiness and make me smile
With your playful laughs
Even for a moment
Because you're the only one that could soothe me
I looked at him. I knew the answer was already clearly written across my face, bolded and highlighted. His face showed the truth, he actually cared.
" Yes, it's Kaoru." I finally said, looking away from him.
He sighed heavily and sat up, letting my head rest on his lap. He gently ran his fingers through my hair absent-mindedly, probably waiting for another answer.
" Well then why didn't you tell me? If he's your problem, he's mine too." He stated firmly.
" You have so much on your mind. How could I tell you that he was bothering me anyway? You were gone for two weeks, Die. Even if I wanted to talk to you I couldn't." I replied dully.
" He bothered you? What did he do, tell me!" Die's voice shook angrily.
" Nothing… he just talked to me. About you." I closed my eyes, waiting for Die's reaction.
" Thank god. Look, Totchi, you have no idea what he can do to you, okay? He can be very dangerous at certain times - like this time, for example." He explained, running a finger along my jawline, tilting my chin up a bit.
" And I don't want anything to happen to you, okay? I understand this guy, trust me with this." He then brings his lips down on mine sealing the silent pact that we had made.
Understand him. Understand Kaoru. He didn't say that he understood me, no, he said that he understood Kaoru, his ex-lover that supposedly didn't love him anymore. Great, now I'm sounding jealous, but isn't that a normal feeling to have? Kaoru is one jealous being, and Die didn't really do anything to stop that, right?
I hold on to Die tightly, afraid that he would suddenly get up and leave. I couldn't let him leave me to endure the pain alone. He was part of it, and he knew it. That's why he keeps on coming back, telling me that he loves me, holding me and kissing me like he always does. He feels like he owes me big time for hurting me, and he's here to quell his guilt.
" Aishiteru, ne, Totchi. I wasn't joking when I said that." His voice cut through my thoughts.
" Aishiteru, Die." I whisper, burying my face into his chest.
And that was the truth. I don't care if he's here to get rid of his guilt, or because he loves me or not. I'll always love him, and nothing will ever change that. He gave me love that no one ever, gave me, love that my ex-girlfriend didn't even think of giving me.
Karna engkaulah satu-satunya untukku
Dan pastikan kita selalu bersama
Karna dirimulah yang sanggup mengerti aku
Dalam susah ataupun senang
Because you're the only one for me
And make sure that we'll always be together
Because you're the only one that would understand me
During hardships or comfort
We're still lying here, next to each other. I think maybe three hours have passed, and Die is sleeping ever so soundly next to me. I have no idea what time it is, but maybe it's already dark outside. I look at his peacefully sleeping face and ran my finers though the short, crimson strands of hair. So soft, he must take care of it very well. His eyes fluttered open a little bit and he blinked several times and smiled sleepily.
" What time is it?" he mumbled, stretching his arm then resting it across my chest.
" I don't know." I really don't, and I looked at him blankly.
He grinned, and hugged me tightly, ruffling my hair slightly.
" You do know that I have to go soon, Totchi.." he trailed off, waiting for my reaction.
I looked away.
" And I know that you want me to stay with you, and I would do anything so I could. But, rules are rules." He continued, cupping my cheek and making me look at him. " I promised you that I would get you out of this place, and I will. Then we can stay together, forever. How does that sound?"
" Wonderful." I mumble, feeling the tears form at the edge of my eyes.
He realised that and quickly wiped them away.
" Don't cry, ne? I'll be back here tomorrow, and I'll greet you when you wake up, alright?" he assured me, patting my back gently.
He'll be here tomorrow, I know. He always keeps his promises, and I trust him.
I nod at him and he gets up carefully and untangles himself from the blankets. He lauged loudly when he was how creased and rumpled his clothes were.
" I bet the hospital staff would be wondering what we were doing when they see this rumpled shirt, ne?" he joked, rubbing the back of his head. I laughed along with him, wrapping the blankets around myself.
He stretched a bit and leaned in, brushing his lips againts mine lightly.
" I'll see you tomorrow, okay? And don't wake up until I"ve arrived!" he laughed again and grabbed his jacket, swinging it over his shoulder and walked out the door, waving.
The smile is still plastered on my lips, the forced but convincing smile. Alone again.
Is he here yet? I opened my eyes slightly, and saw a lean figure looking out the window. I smiled and sat up, opening my mouth to call out his name.The person turned towards me, and the name died on my lips.
" Kaoru?" I couldn't believe it.
" Ah, Toshiya, we meet again." His voice was icy when he spoke.
" What do you want?" I demanded, glaring at him hatefully.
He shrugged and tucked his hands in his pockets, sitting down on the plastic chair. He reached into his back pocket and took out a cigarette and a lighter. He casually lighted it and took a long drag.
" Just to talk… I won't kill you, you know." He looked at me from behind his purple tinted glasses. " That would take the fun out of everything." He smirked and looked out the window.
I frowned and hugged my knees to my chest, wondering what to do next. Kaoru broke the silence, as usual.
" I haven't seen you out of your bed, you know. It looks like you're attached to it." He commented, puffing out smoke.
My face turned red and I jumped down from my bed and walked over to the purplehead, holding back every single urge to strangle him to death. He smirked when he saw me, taking another drag out of the cigarette.
" You're quite tall… nice legs, by the way." He said, eyeing my them as he spoke.
" What are you doing here, asshole? Aren't you supposed to be at work, doing that miserable job that you have? Or screwing with your lover? Huh?" I spat out at him.
" Language, language. No wonder they won't let you leave this dump." Kaoru muttered, flicking the ashes on the white tiled floor.
He sighed and stood up. He walked over to the door and put his hand on the knob.
" Well, I guess I can tell Die that you're awake and well." He said, looking at me with a malicious glint in his eyes.
" Yes, Die. He asked me to do him a tremendous favour so here I am." Kaoru's smile was definitely evil.
" Why the hell would Die ask you to check up on me?" I chorted at him.
" He trusts me, that's why." And he turned the knob and let himself out.
I just stood there, my heart breaking into several tiny pieces.
Dapatkah engkau s'lalu menjagaku
Dan mampukah engkau mempertahankanku
Could you always take care of me
And would you be able to defend me?
(note: okay, the whole story is supposed to be in Toshiya's POV, but here it's just normal talk, okay? No POV. Just here. Then it'll continue with Toshiya's POV, like usual. Sorry for inconvenience ^^;; oh, and ~~'s separate the POV and the non-POV)
" Die!" the purplehead called out to the person that was standing a few feet away from him.
The tall redhead looked in his direction and smiled. He had a relieved look on his face as Kaoru approached him.
" Is he awake?" he asked.
Kaoru nodded, looking down at the ground. He didn't look up when Die said his name.
" Kaoru? What's the matter?" the concerned voice asked him.
The purplehead looked up at Die, his eyes brimming with tears. Die was shocked to see them, he knew that Kaoru rarely cried, and he would definitely not let anyone see his tears.
" Why the hell do you think I'm doing this, Die? Huh? Checking up on your lover for you? Do you know how much that fucking hurts?!" he yelled, balling his hands into fists.
" Then why are you helping me, Kaoru?" Die asked softly.
" Because I love you, that's why! Why do you think I'd put myself through this pain, huh?" Kaoru looked down, his shoulders shaking.
Die looked at the breaking figure in front of him, wondering what to say. He was confused, confused at why sometimes Kaoru would be so angry with him when he saw Toshiya with him, but sometimes happy for him because he found a new love. Which one was it? He loved Toshiya, a lot… but deep down in his heart, he loved Kaoru dearly. The love was still there, along with the pain. But he couldn't say that, he knew that Kaoru would break it to Toshiya in the most uncaring way, and Toshiya was such in a fragile state. And he - he was sick. He couldn't put up with anything at the moment.
" I should go and see Toshiya." Die said bluntly.
He took one last look at the shaking form in front of him and crossed his path, trying his best to not look back and hold the other one tightly. He looked down as he walked up the path and inside the building.
Little did he know that a certain someone was watching from above.
No. No. No. Please no.
I stared at Kaoru, trying to steady himself and walking out the institution's grounds. Die was already on his way up, he might already be at the door, even. I just stood there, facing the green grass below me blankly, unable to do anything but hold myself so I wouldn't break. I heard the door creak slightly as it opened, and the sound of footsteps on the cold tiles.
" Totchi? Why are you standing there?" the familiar voice asked me.
I turned my head slightly, looking at him in the eye, causing him to shift uncomfortably.
" Take a wild guess." I said icily.
" I can't, why don't you tell me, ne?" he said, laughing nervously. He moved forward and I could feel his hand on my folded arms. I brushed them off.
" I think you know pretty well, Ando Daisuke. Or maybe you'll have to see more tears to freshen up your memory?" I backed away from him, my arms still folded across my chest. A look of recognition clouded on his face.
" You… saw? Me… Kaoru, talking, just now?" he stuttered.
" I have a pretty good view from up here, Ando." I said coldly.
" Please, Totchi, I can explain -" he moved towards me, and I backed away from him.
" Go away! Just leave me alone Die!" I screamed at him, tears spilling down my cheeks.
He kept on moving forward anyway, until I was backed againts the wall. He stood in front of me, his hands on my shoulders, gripping them tightly. There was a pained look in his eyes, a look beckoning for me to listen. I closed my eyes and prepared for the worst.
" Totchi… you know that I love you, please don't doubt me anymore. I can explain." He started, trying to sound calm.
" Then explain." I looked at him in the eye, still feeling moisture on my cheeks.
" He's just there, alright? I just asked him to check on you so I could be more, you know, accurate? I don't know, but what I *do* know is that I did it for you, Totchi. You. Not him. Never him." He said firmly, looking down at the floor.
I knew that he said more, but what he said, I didn't really hear. I felt so upset, I didn't know what to do, but let myself be held by him as he told me everything, but I didn't hear any of it. I was too lost in my own thoughts. This is the same person that came to me everyday, giving me all the love anyone could ask for, this is the person that vowed to protect me, to defend me againts harm.
The very same person that deliberately lied to me.
End of part 7.
Note: *wipes sweat* Finally! Finished with part 7!! I hope I can get to part 8 soon, *worried* and get this fic over with!
I hope my translations for the song were okay, and didn't suck ^^;; thanks to my sister for beta-reading this! *hugs* and this is for all of you that were very patient waiting for this part!
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