fallen dreams by Jennifier D
fallen dreams
Jennifier D.
Author's notes: I'm sure that everyone heard about Malice Mizer's 
disbanding... The year has been rough for them, and things began 
turning bad when Gackt left. But certain events in life can't be 
avoided, just like destiny is foreordained before life. Let us 
embrace the briefness of their beauty. We all know that they will 
exist forever in our memories.

Standard Disclaimers Apply.

Date started: 131201

If only I can hold this dream in my hands forever;
I will never forget that moment you smiled

"When did you make the decision...?" The man spoke up quietly 
without lifting his head. He had crossed his fingers, now leaning 
his elbows against the tabletop. Soft hair fell over his 
forehead, as he opted not going out in his new hairstyle today. 
It had stirred enough controversy when it first appeared, he knew 
that people would recognise him straightaway on the streets if he 
walked around in that.

The man sitting opposite him leaned back into his seat, a hooded 
look on his face. From any passer-by's point of view, here were 
just two Japanese men, looking slightly out of place with their 
shades. Maybe if they looked hard enough, one of them would start 
to resemble one of the most popular male artists currently 
present in the pop and rock scene. As for the other, it was up to 
anyone to guess.

"A couple of months ago..." The other reached for his coffee, and 
brought the cup to his lips, taking a small sip. "Actually, Klaha 
was the one who wanted this..."


"Too much pressure... and expectation."

"From you?"

"From the fans."

"Ah." Comfortable silence occupied the space between the two 
former band mates. It would have amazed many to know that they 
were not jumping to tear each other's necks out at sight. In 
fact, the both of them had kept contact, and one of them often 
smuggled himself into the other's concert under disguise. It was 
a good thing that people who cosplayed his images were a common 
sight at the other's concerts, or else he would never be able to 
pull it off. At most, they just thought that he was a very good 
cosplayer who didn't like talking much.

"Listen, Mana..." Mana shook his head, then put down his cup.

"_Don't_ even think about it, Gakuto."

"But I talked to Kozi..."

"Kozi will agree to anything if you harass him long enough. And I 
know you did. He was very grumpy this morning."

"Even Yu~ki..."

"Yu~ki is just feeling lost. Give him any solution, however 
impractical, and he will jump at it like it's his lifeline."

"You're not giving me any chances, are you?"

"Yes." Mana smiled at Gackt, then reached over and took Gackt's 
hands. "Don't be silly, Gakuto. Even if you do come back... it 
will never be the same again."

"But Malice Mizer is your dream... your life..." Gackt looked so 
tortured sitting there. He gripped Mana's hands tight.

"I know."

"Then why won't you-"

"Because it won't be the same again, Gakuto." Mana sighed softly, 
then extracted his own hands from Gackt's gently. "I know you 
still feel guilty over Kami's death. But... I have already seen 
it coming. It would have been unavoidable."

"Gakuto, I know that you're trying to help... but doing whatever 
you want to do now will not only ruin you, but ruin Malice Mizer 
as well." The guitarist reached over and caressed Gackt's cheek 
softly. "You are no longer the Dark Prince, Gackt. You are 
yourself. Don't ruin this image you have painstakingly recreated 
over the past two years."

Gackt nodded his head, then leaned back into his seat, leaving 
Mana's hand cupping empty air. Mana withdrew his hand slowly, 
then took up his cup again. The bell on the cafe door jingled, 
announcing a new entrant. The waitresses and waiters called out 
cheerful greetings to the man who had just stepped into the cafe. 
Weather outside was cold, and although it never snowed in Tokyo, 
wintertime in the metropolis could be one of extreme low 

Gackt signalled to the stranger, who walked over to his table 
with a smile. He bowed slightly when he saw Mana, and Mana smiled 
in return.

"Mana, this is Masa. Masa, he's Mana." Masa grinned cheerfully at 
Mana, then turned to Gackt.

"You and the rest are waiting." Masa took Gackt's hand, and the 
vocalist felt the cold fingertips even though his thick sweater. 
Masa must have been out for quite some time, looking for him.

"I'm sorry. Why don't you sit down first?" Gackt smiled, then 
squeezed Masa's hand.

"Iya, I told you the rest are waiting, right? I'll go back first, 
then. Remember, don't be late." With that, the dark haired young 
man was gone, walking briskly away from the shop as he rubbed his 
hands to make them warm.

"He's your new boyfriend?" Mana smiled at Gackt, who flushed 
lightly at the sudden comment.


"Treasure him, Gakuto."

"I will..." Gackt gave a soft, barely audible sigh. "After you, I 
realised that emotions shouldn't be taken for granted."

"Really?" At that Mana laughed, then crossed his fingers. The 
smile faded from his face. "You were dating another man before 
him, right?"

"Nn," Gackt smiled. "It was a brief affair... the both of us 
realised that we didn't need it actually."

"Ah." Mana stared at his hands.

"What about you...?"

The guitarist shook his head with a small smile. "I haven't dated 
anyone since you left Malice Mizer."

"Even Kozi...?"

At that, Mana laughed. "No... not Kozi. I was dating him before 
you, remember?"

Gackt joined the other man in laughter, pressing the heel of his 
palm against his own forehead. "Ah. I'll forget my own head 

"It doesn't matter..." The vocalist looked up. "It doesn't matter 
so long as you never forget me, Gakuto."

"Hai." The two of them sat there looking at each other for a long 
moment, before Gackt finally stood up, bringing his cup up and 
gulping down his coffee, which had turned cold already. "I've got 
to go."

"Okay." Mana, too, took up his cup, drinking it quietly.

"Stay in contact, Mana."


The bell jingled as the door to the cafe closed, and Mana gave a 
soft sigh, leaning back into his seat again. A waitress came over 
to clear up Gackt's cup, at which he smiled at her and murmured 
his thanks.

Outside the window of the cafe, passer-bys continued walking 
rapidly against the cold winter wind, their heads bowed low and 
collars turned up. Mana placed his cup down on the table 
carefully, then tucked his hands into his coat.

Moments later, the bell jingled again.


The four members of Malice Mizer bowed as they ended their last 
official press conference. The team leader was dress in suit, and 
it had surprised many fans when he appeared looking like that. In 
fact, the rest of Malice Mizer were all dressed in suits, because 
they felt that it was required for this occasion.

"Thank you all so much for all your support in these past nine 
years. I hope that you will continue to support us as each of us 
continue in our future endeavours." Klaha bowed again, and the 
rest of Malice Mizer followed suit.

Just as they left the conference room, a tall man wearing 
extremely dark shades pulled Mana to the side.

"What-?" The stranger pressed a finger to Mana's lips, and he 
looked up in surprise.

"It's me."

"Oh." With that, the two of them left the room and Mana made a 
grab for his bag before he was whisked off to an abandoned 

"Are you okay?" Gackt whispered, then grinned when he saw Mana 
rolling his eyes.

"If you want to go out with me, you could have simply called, you 

"Hmmn." Gackt nodded his head, but he wasn't listening. "Come on, 
let's go. I have interesting things planned for you today."

Even as the vocalist and guitarist left the building, they didn't 
notice Kozi, who had seen them. Kozi sighed, then picked up his 
own bag. He knew that Mana needed the distraction anyway. The 
disbanding of Malice Mizer had been a bad shock to him and he 
knew that it couldn't be avoided. It was as though someone had 
ripped his heart out for him, and although he was severely upset 
over it, he showed no sign of it. He showed no indication of the 
truth which affected him so deeply.

Mana was left cradling broken dreams.

And Kozi believed, one day, he could give life to them again.

One day.


"I have introduced you to Masa before, right?" Gackt grinned at 
Mana. "This is You. That's Ren, the one next to him grinning like 
a goon is Chachamaru and the other one busy doing something at 
the back is Toshi."

All of the members of Gackt Job- with the exception of Toshi, who 
was still lost among his drum set -beamed at Mana, who felt 
overwhelmed by the welcome.

"And guys, this is Mana."

"Wait-wait, Gaku. He's... Mana?" Ren piped up suddenly.


"THE Mana?"

"Absolutely correct."

"Oh my god..." Ren almost fainted at that, but Chacha gave him a 
little smack on the back of his head. You only rolled his eyes at 
his boyfriend, who grinned in return.

"What's the matter with Ren?" Toshi asked, as he finally joined 
the rest of Gackt Job. The studio was in a mess. He was trying to 
clear up some stuff and didn't notice that Gackt had already 

The rest of the members shrugged.

"Okay, guys. Practice is off today! Let's go out."

"Eh? Why?" Masa asked, and Gackt caught his boyfriend in an 

"Because I said so." Gackt raised his eyebrows at Masa. "Any 
questions? If there's any, I'll answer them for you tonight."

The rest of Gackt Job began to snicker, and even Mana had to grin 
at that, with Gackt coddling his boyfriend and looking smug about 

The guitarist blinked, then gave up with an exasperated sigh. 
"Whatever then... I thought you wanted to finalise some stuff for 
your December single."

"That can wait. Mana can't, ne?" He turned to flash a smile at 
Mana. The guitarist gave a small huff of laughter. "Well, Mana... 
this is my studio, and these are my wacky band members. I call 
them Gackt Job. They call themselves goons."




You only rolled his eyes whereas Chacha laughed.

"Okay, okay... maybe not." Gackt laughed at the expression on 
Masa's face. "Okay, now that introductions are over, let's go 


The day had been fun, Mana admitted. He probably never had that 
much fun with the rest of Malice Mizer's members before... And 
back then, even when Gackt was around, it wasn't the same. Back 
then, Gackt was his boyfriend... and he didn't like to talk that 
much. But around Gackt Job, he had opened up totally, always 
grinning and cracking jokes.

It was amusing to see him around his members now. And Mana knew, 
with a feeling of finality, that his Dark Prince was finally 

But it was okay... Malice Mizer might be his dream, but all 
dreams had to come to an end sooner or later. He would have opted 
for the later, but he didn't have a choice in this. And nine 
years... nine years had been a long time too. Nine years was long 
enough for a lot of things to happen. Nine years was long enough 
for Malice Mizer to come to fame and gain recognition.

Nine years.

Mana sat down on his own couch and leaned back, closing his eyes. 
He was tired. So very tired. Maybe the disbanding was a right 
choice after all. Over the last year, things had slowed down to 
almost a crawl, and he knew that the end was approaching. 
Actually, the end had been approaching for quite a while already, 
but accepting the fact that things had came to standstill was 
still a shock on its own.

Klaha's presence had delayed the process a little, adding a bit 
of freshness to the band. But Mana knew that Malice Mizer had 
already reached and passed its peak the moment Gackt decided to 
draw out. Things seemed to fall rapidly downhill from that point 
onwards. Kami's death had came as a very bad blow to everyone, 
especially Gackt... and even with Klaha joining them, the deaden 
feeling never really left.

Mana opened his eyes, staring at the whitewash ceiling.

Malice Mizer was his fallen dream.

It was a beautiful dream... one of his most beautiful, in fact, 
and now, it was reduced to nothing but a name a some memories. 
Memories... they were all he had left now. He would hold them 
close to his heart, because he knew that he needed them to 
support and encourage him to continue with his solo career. He 
might not sing... but he could write.

And he would always remember Malice Mizer.

The most brilliant among his fallen dreams.

The most beautiful memory.


Maybe, for a moment, reality will cease to exist
and I will be left in the darkness alone with my dreams

Date completed: 131201
Last revised: 131201

After notes: Ah... I hoped that I made sense... Anyway, all 
comments can be directed to me by this email address 
jennifier_chan@yahoo.com As for the flames... well, the weather 
has been kind of cold lately, so they will come in handy. That 
is, if I look at them in the first place ^^;


back to MM fics page