Silent Reverie by
Krystal-chan
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Trembling slender digits grasped a white Styrofoam
cup filled with cold water. Shinya held the small cup between two hands, his
head bowed low as he gazed down past the cup at the white linoleum below
him. There was a black streak mark right by his boot, probably from an old
black-soled sneaker. His eyes finally traveled up as he brought the small
cup to his lips and drank the water down in a gulp. Scanning the waiting
room, he sighed and crushed the empty cup between his hands. Kyo was talking
on his mobile phone, obviously informing someone of what had occurred. The
small man seemed to have been yanked from his sleep, he was wearing a pair
of pajama pants, and had hastily thrown on a light coat over a black
T-shirt. He had shoved his feet into a pair of sneakers-that he never
wore-and his hair was undone, blonde strands falling over his forehead.
Shinya watched quietly from his chair as Kyo dropped the small black mobile
phone on the ground, cursed loudly and bent to pick it up. He was trembling
visibly. A soft keening sound directed his attention to a couch that was
placed to the left of him, and he realized that Toshiya had curled his body
into a small ball on it, and tears silently and freely flowed from his eyes.
He shifted his body onto his other side, then finally sat up and buried his
face in his slender hands. A sudden stifled wail brought his attention back
up to the doorway of the waiting room, and he saw Kaoru embracing a slender
girl with short black hair. Ah, Yuka had arrived. This was obviously
expected. Kyo turned and gently took the girl into his arms, pocketing his
mobile. Shinya watched as Kyo quietly took Yuka to the side and spoke to
her. He watched as she nodded once, twice, then watched as she broke down
crying once more. He couldn’t watch any longer, and he stood, needing to get
out. Needing for release.
“Shin-Shin-chan…Please…Don’t go. Onegai desu ka?” A soft hand was tugging at
him. He turned to see Toshiya’s tear-stricken face, and his heart instantly
softened. Sitting down on the couch, he let the taller man wrap his arms
about him, crying softly into his shoulder. Toshiya felt ridiculously
guilty. This had been his fault. It was always his fault. Now what would
Kaoru think of him? What would anyone think of him? Once more, he had been
stupid, stupid Toshiya. Not thinking before acting. His heart felt as if it
were truly bleeding, pieces of flesh torn and bursting blood. He blindly
grasped for Shinya again, crying out in pain as sobs racked his body. He
cried as he had never cried before, tears flowing down his cheeks in rapid
succession as his body shook with sobs. He crushed Shinya to him,
desperately needing. He cried until there were no more tears to cry, until
he was simply whimpering. Finally, he put his head on Shinya’s lap and
drifted off to sleep.
Toshiya glanced at Die as they walked up the stairs
to his flat. He was so worried for the guitarist. Usually cheerful, always
having something to say, Die was abnormally quiet and sullen, his demeanor
cold and impenetrable by Toshiya’s warmth. Toshiya supposed that it had been
a weary day, and he was sure Die could use a cup of tea and perhaps would
like to watch a few anime LCD’s and relax. Unlocking the door to his
apartment, he flipped the light on and turned to lock the door behind him.
After exchanging his shoes for a pair of house slippers, Die made his way
into the kitchen, as usual, and Toshiya smiled, following him. Maybe Die’s
mood was becoming better.
“Would you like some tea? Something to eat?” Toshiya offered as he turned to
the cabinet to take out some dried woo long tea leaves to boil and strain
for some tea. Die smiled and nodded, taking a seat at the wooden kitchen
table, and he reached over to Toshiya’s little pile of manga books and
picked one up, flipping through it as Toshiya boiled water for the tea and
took out some packages of ramen.
“Ne, Totchi, what do you think it’s like when you die?” Die’s voice was
quiet as he turned a page of the manga, his eyes scanning quickly. He smiled
at one of the drawings, then turned another page. Toshiya turned his head to
glance at Die, his eyebrows furrowed.
“Well, what do you mean?”
“Do you think we just end, flicker out like a candle? Or do you think our
souls go on into eternity?” Die’s voice was rather light as he asked this
question, a smile playing upon his lips as he turned the page of the manga
and laughed quietly to himself at something he had just read.
“Well, I think that we go to heaven.” Toshiya started stirring in the ramen
noodles into the boiling water and he turned to pour boiling tea into two
small green porcelain tea cups with little pink flowers painted on it.
Carrying over the tea to Die, he set it down, smiling as he turned back to
the stove to stir the noodles. The pot was boiling and he added some spices
to it, then turned the fire down a little and put the lid on to let the soup
simmer. Turning to Die, he sat down at the kitchen table and picked up his
little tea cup and took a small sip of the hot, steaming liquid. He realized
that Die was smiling, his eyes sparkling with amusement as he gazed at
Toshiya, shaking his head.
“Little dreams…” Die murmured under his breath, then took a sip of the woo
long tea. Toshiya frowned, not really knowing what Die meant, but then
again, he never really knew what Die meant. Die was always saying things
that made no sense. Toshiya shrugged this off as Die being silly again and
smiled, then went back to the stove to turn off the fire and spoon the ramen
soup and the noodles into two bowls. He found two pairs of chopsticks and
handed a pair to Die, who smiled, thanking him.
“Do you want to watch an anime or a movie or something?” Toshiya glanced
down at his bowl of ramen, then back up at Die, who was already picking his
bowl up and heading towards the living room. After picking an anime, he and
Die were seated next to each other on the floor of the living room, eating
ramen from their bowls set on the coffee table. The animation flickered
before their eyes and they silently watched it, laughing at the comical
parts, snickering at the many sexual innuendos. They had finished their
ramen and were now seated on the couch. Die was writing something as he
watched the anime, telling Toshiya that it was a poem. Toshiya raised an
eyebrow, but returned his attention back to the TV. Die was standing, and
Toshiya glanced at him as he walked into the kitchen and returned with a
beer. He didn’t even look up when Die finished his drink, stood up again and
left. Toshiya heard him rummage around the kitchen, then heard the bathroom
door open and close. He laughed to himself. Die shouldn’t drink that much
water, he always had to go to the bathroom. Die was like a leaky faucet
sometimes when he drank excessively. Engrossed in the anime, which happened
to be the Angel Sanctuary OVA, he didn’t even realize how much time had
passed until he glanced down at his watch and realized that nearly half an
hour had gone by and Die still hadn’t returned from the bathroom. Frowning,
Toshiya put the TV on pause and walked over to the bathroom, tapping on the
door.
“Ne, did you fall in or something?” Toshiya shifted from his left foot to
his right and he rolled his eyes impatiently, banging on the door again,
telling Die to hurry up. Suddenly, he realized that Die hadn’t responded,
and panic overcame him. He was banging on the door again. He tried the
doorknob, but it was locked. “Die? Are you okay? Say something.”
Yet, once again, silence was his only response. Toshiya was panicking now,
he felt as if his heart was leaping out of his chest. Taking a few steps
back, he lunged at the door, feeling his shoulder crack into it painfully.
Once more, he took a few steps back and lunged at the door, hearing the
doorframe crack. Trying the door again, he took a few more steps back, and
this time with a yell, he throttled his full force at the door, finally
bursting through. He found himself suddenly sliding, and he caught himself
by grabbing onto the towel rack and the sink. He suddenly froze as his eyes
fell upon the sight of Die, slumped against the bathtub, his wrists slashed
through and gushing liquid. In the sink was a piece of paper with Die’s
unmistakable handwriting scrawled over it. A bloodied knife lay by his
hands. His pants were torn as well, and Toshiya realized that he had also
cut into his thighs, and he was slowly bleeding to death. The arteries had
been slashed open. Toshiya glanced down and realized that he had slid on
thick red liquid…Die’s blood. A chocked cry came from him and he
turned, rushing for the cordless phone and for towels.
Toshiya awoke with a cry, screaming incoherently as
he thrashed. He found himself in Shinya’s arms, found himself being embraced
by a female as well… Realizing that this was Yuka, one of their closest
friends, he turned his attention from Shinya to her, his words an
unstoppable flow. He was describing every detail, every little gory bit.
Every bloody drop. And good god, there had been so much blood. So much. It
had been everywhere. Even the paramedics had gasped when they saw how much
blood had been lost. And Toshiya, he was covered in it. Now he was ripping
at his clothes, covered with dried crusty blood. This was his fault. This
was all his fault. How could he not have been able to see through Die’s
questions about death? Why didn’t he ask to see the “poem” that Die had been
so diligently working on, when he knew that Die hardly wrote poetry? A sharp
slap suddenly silenced him, and he blinked, realizing that Yuka had slapped
him.
“Sumimasen…Yamero. Just stop it. It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t,
Toshiya-kun.” Toshiya blinked, and gently touched his stinging cheek, then
let out a small sob as he reached into his pocket and produced a wrinkled,
blood-stained letter. He handed it to Shinya, then leaned forward, burying
his face in his hands.
Shinya gazed down at the stained, crumpled piece before him, and with
delicate hands, he unfolded the paper and glanced at it momentarily before
handing it to Kaoru. Kyo said something about having contacted Die’s family,
and how they were on their way. Kaoru’s eyes quickly scanned the page, and
with a glimmer of tears he cleared his throat before he began to read out
loud the words that Die had written.
My loved ones,
As you read this I have already departed from this sad, lonely earth. I am
deeply sorry for all the pain that this may cause you, and all the sleepless
nights it may bring. This was not my intention to hurt any of you with this
act, as I deeply love you all. But I have found that it is intolerable for
me to continue on like this.
Each day, I ask myself, “Why am I still here? Why does it even matter
anymore?” Yet, I still continue on, forcing myself to believe that there is
some good out of me still existing, that I have purpose. But how can I have
purpose when all I bring to those around me is this excessive pain that
never ceases? And how can I have purpose when I am already dead? I am the
walking dead, a living shell of pain. I feel as if my soul has long since
departed from me, and I am simply just…existing. I wake in the morning
hoping to sleep at night, so I can escape from the pain that eats me alive,
from the emptiness that haunts my soul. For the longest time, music was my
purpose, and my only purpose was music, but this itself has withered and
died away…For, my dear friends, I had also continued on for you. But I have
found out, that I cannot continue these relationships with any of you, for I
will only bring you pain.
Nikkura-sama, to you I pen this paragraph. I am deeply sorry for all the
pain I have caused you, for all the years of torment you had to endure with
me. But know this, know that I have always had the utmost respect in you,
leader-sama. You had always the talent, the skill, the intelligence. You
were always everything I had wanted to be, yet, no matter how hard I try, I
could never be like you. To you, I am so sorry. I wish you the best in all
your years, and I see all the faults in my errors from years past.
Toshiya-kun, to you I write these condolences. You may not understand the
full extent of any of this, for your soul is one that is pure and innocent.
You have been touched, albeit briefly, by the pain, and you have tangled
with the devil, but you have broken free from hell’s grasps upon your soul
and triumphed. I know not one who does not love you, who does not helplessly
fall in love with your beautiful soul. You have more strength than you may
know inside of you. Be strong through this, as I know you may be very
confused as to why all this has occurred. My confidante, my friend, I will
always be indebted to you for the warmth you have shared with me.
Kyo-kun, for you I shed these tears. You had been a wonderful friend to me
these past years. If it is anyone who may comprehend why I have done this, I
believe you to be the one. Always the insightful little devil, I had always
known there was more than could ever meet the eye. The actor will always
know his lines, and you are quite the performer. You, who is truly loved by
many whether you know it or not, will one day find your peace. But I was
forever cursed to be alone.
Shin-chan, for you I give my all. I have never seen a star that had shined
so brightly, a light that had been so bright. In all my days, I have only
had few glimpses of true beauty, but the day I met you I think I might have
died and gone to heaven…For the beauty of your soul, the beauty of you is
simply so incredible, I believed an angel had fallen out of the sky on
gossamer wings. I am so sorry, so deeply sorry, for all the pain and the
annoyance I have inflicted upon you. I am so sorry, that I could not have
been a better person, like Nikkura-sama. That I could not have been a better
person for you. For in all my years I had never known love, but when I saw
you I knew I was fated to die alone. For this is a love that is forbidden. A
love that would never be returned. I will always love you, my beautiful
angel with the devil’s wings.
It is a cancer that eats me whole, a poison that eats me from within. I no
longer have anything, for inside I am dead. I have died long ago, and it is
wonder that I haven’t committed this act earlier. It is wonder that I even
exist at this very moment as I pen these words. I have no will to live, I
have no will for anything at all. And I wish you all the best. This is the
beginning of the end. This is where the story closes. I’m no longer afraid
of death’s embraces. Goodbye, my loved ones. But I do beseech one thing of
you…to hold my memory near.
‘Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out brief candle.
Life’s but a walking shadow; a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more; it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.’
September 27th, 2000
Ando Daisuke
to be continued back
to deg fics pg 3 |