Silent Reverie

by Krystal-chan


Trembling slender digits grasped a white Styrofoam cup filled with cold water. Shinya held the small cup between two hands, his head bowed low as he gazed down past the cup at the white linoleum below him. There was a black streak mark right by his boot, probably from an old black-soled sneaker. His eyes finally traveled up as he brought the small cup to his lips and drank the water down in a gulp. Scanning the waiting room, he sighed and crushed the empty cup between his hands. Kyo was talking on his mobile phone, obviously informing someone of what had occurred. The small man seemed to have been yanked from his sleep, he was wearing a pair of pajama pants, and had hastily thrown on a light coat over a black T-shirt. He had shoved his feet into a pair of sneakers-that he never wore-and his hair was undone, blonde strands falling over his forehead. Shinya watched quietly from his chair as Kyo dropped the small black mobile phone on the ground, cursed loudly and bent to pick it up. He was trembling visibly. A soft keening sound directed his attention to a couch that was placed to the left of him, and he realized that Toshiya had curled his body into a small ball on it, and tears silently and freely flowed from his eyes. He shifted his body onto his other side, then finally sat up and buried his face in his slender hands. A sudden stifled wail brought his attention back up to the doorway of the waiting room, and he saw Kaoru embracing a slender girl with short black hair. Ah, Yuka had arrived. This was obviously expected. Kyo turned and gently took the girl into his arms, pocketing his mobile. Shinya watched as Kyo quietly took Yuka to the side and spoke to her. He watched as she nodded once, twice, then watched as she broke down crying once more. He couldn’t watch any longer, and he stood, needing to get out. Needing for release.
“Shin-Shin-chan…Please…Don’t go. Onegai desu ka?” A soft hand was tugging at him. He turned to see Toshiya’s tear-stricken face, and his heart instantly softened. Sitting down on the couch, he let the taller man wrap his arms about him, crying softly into his shoulder. Toshiya felt ridiculously guilty. This had been his fault. It was always his fault. Now what would Kaoru think of him? What would anyone think of him? Once more, he had been stupid, stupid Toshiya. Not thinking before acting. His heart felt as if it were truly bleeding, pieces of flesh torn and bursting blood. He blindly grasped for Shinya again, crying out in pain as sobs racked his body. He cried as he had never cried before, tears flowing down his cheeks in rapid succession as his body shook with sobs. He crushed Shinya to him, desperately needing. He cried until there were no more tears to cry, until he was simply whimpering. Finally, he put his head on Shinya’s lap and drifted off to sleep.

Toshiya glanced at Die as they walked up the stairs to his flat. He was so worried for the guitarist. Usually cheerful, always having something to say, Die was abnormally quiet and sullen, his demeanor cold and impenetrable by Toshiya’s warmth. Toshiya supposed that it had been a weary day, and he was sure Die could use a cup of tea and perhaps would like to watch a few anime LCD’s and relax. Unlocking the door to his apartment, he flipped the light on and turned to lock the door behind him. After exchanging his shoes for a pair of house slippers, Die made his way into the kitchen, as usual, and Toshiya smiled, following him. Maybe Die’s mood was becoming better.
“Would you like some tea? Something to eat?” Toshiya offered as he turned to the cabinet to take out some dried woo long tea leaves to boil and strain for some tea. Die smiled and nodded, taking a seat at the wooden kitchen table, and he reached over to Toshiya’s little pile of manga books and picked one up, flipping through it as Toshiya boiled water for the tea and took out some packages of ramen.
“Ne, Totchi, what do you think it’s like when you die?” Die’s voice was quiet as he turned a page of the manga, his eyes scanning quickly. He smiled at one of the drawings, then turned another page. Toshiya turned his head to glance at Die, his eyebrows furrowed.
“Well, what do you mean?”
“Do you think we just end, flicker out like a candle? Or do you think our souls go on into eternity?” Die’s voice was rather light as he asked this question, a smile playing upon his lips as he turned the page of the manga and laughed quietly to himself at something he had just read.
“Well, I think that we go to heaven.” Toshiya started stirring in the ramen noodles into the boiling water and he turned to pour boiling tea into two small green porcelain tea cups with little pink flowers painted on it. Carrying over the tea to Die, he set it down, smiling as he turned back to the stove to stir the noodles. The pot was boiling and he added some spices to it, then turned the fire down a little and put the lid on to let the soup simmer. Turning to Die, he sat down at the kitchen table and picked up his little tea cup and took a small sip of the hot, steaming liquid. He realized that Die was smiling, his eyes sparkling with amusement as he gazed at Toshiya, shaking his head.
“Little dreams…” Die murmured under his breath, then took a sip of the woo long tea. Toshiya frowned, not really knowing what Die meant, but then again, he never really knew what Die meant. Die was always saying things that made no sense. Toshiya shrugged this off as Die being silly again and smiled, then went back to the stove to turn off the fire and spoon the ramen soup and the noodles into two bowls. He found two pairs of chopsticks and handed a pair to Die, who smiled, thanking him.
“Do you want to watch an anime or a movie or something?” Toshiya glanced down at his bowl of ramen, then back up at Die, who was already picking his bowl up and heading towards the living room. After picking an anime, he and Die were seated next to each other on the floor of the living room, eating ramen from their bowls set on the coffee table. The animation flickered before their eyes and they silently watched it, laughing at the comical parts, snickering at the many sexual innuendos. They had finished their ramen and were now seated on the couch. Die was writing something as he watched the anime, telling Toshiya that it was a poem. Toshiya raised an eyebrow, but returned his attention back to the TV. Die was standing, and Toshiya glanced at him as he walked into the kitchen and returned with a beer. He didn’t even look up when Die finished his drink, stood up again and left. Toshiya heard him rummage around the kitchen, then heard the bathroom door open and close. He laughed to himself. Die shouldn’t drink that much water, he always had to go to the bathroom. Die was like a leaky faucet sometimes when he drank excessively. Engrossed in the anime, which happened to be the Angel Sanctuary OVA, he didn’t even realize how much time had passed until he glanced down at his watch and realized that nearly half an hour had gone by and Die still hadn’t returned from the bathroom. Frowning, Toshiya put the TV on pause and walked over to the bathroom, tapping on the door.
“Ne, did you fall in or something?” Toshiya shifted from his left foot to his right and he rolled his eyes impatiently, banging on the door again, telling Die to hurry up. Suddenly, he realized that Die hadn’t responded, and panic overcame him. He was banging on the door again. He tried the doorknob, but it was locked. “Die? Are you okay? Say something.”
Yet, once again, silence was his only response. Toshiya was panicking now, he felt as if his heart was leaping out of his chest. Taking a few steps back, he lunged at the door, feeling his shoulder crack into it painfully. Once more, he took a few steps back and lunged at the door, hearing the doorframe crack. Trying the door again, he took a few more steps back, and this time with a yell, he throttled his full force at the door, finally bursting through. He found himself suddenly sliding, and he caught himself by grabbing onto the towel rack and the sink. He suddenly froze as his eyes fell upon the sight of Die, slumped against the bathtub, his wrists slashed through and gushing liquid. In the sink was a piece of paper with Die’s unmistakable handwriting scrawled over it. A bloodied knife lay by his hands. His pants were torn as well, and Toshiya realized that he had also cut into his thighs, and he was slowly bleeding to death. The arteries had been slashed open. Toshiya glanced down and realized that he had slid on thick red liquid…Die’s blood. A chocked cry came from him and he turned, rushing for the cordless phone and for towels.

Toshiya awoke with a cry, screaming incoherently as he thrashed. He found himself in Shinya’s arms, found himself being embraced by a female as well… Realizing that this was Yuka, one of their closest friends, he turned his attention from Shinya to her, his words an unstoppable flow. He was describing every detail, every little gory bit. Every bloody drop. And good god, there had been so much blood. So much. It had been everywhere. Even the paramedics had gasped when they saw how much blood had been lost. And Toshiya, he was covered in it. Now he was ripping at his clothes, covered with dried crusty blood. This was his fault. This was all his fault. How could he not have been able to see through Die’s questions about death? Why didn’t he ask to see the “poem” that Die had been so diligently working on, when he knew that Die hardly wrote poetry? A sharp slap suddenly silenced him, and he blinked, realizing that Yuka had slapped him.
“Sumimasen…Yamero. Just stop it. It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t, Toshiya-kun.” Toshiya blinked, and gently touched his stinging cheek, then let out a small sob as he reached into his pocket and produced a wrinkled, blood-stained letter. He handed it to Shinya, then leaned forward, burying his face in his hands.
Shinya gazed down at the stained, crumpled piece before him, and with delicate hands, he unfolded the paper and glanced at it momentarily before handing it to Kaoru. Kyo said something about having contacted Die’s family, and how they were on their way. Kaoru’s eyes quickly scanned the page, and with a glimmer of tears he cleared his throat before he began to read out loud the words that Die had written.

My loved ones,
As you read this I have already departed from this sad, lonely earth. I am deeply sorry for all the pain that this may cause you, and all the sleepless nights it may bring. This was not my intention to hurt any of you with this act, as I deeply love you all. But I have found that it is intolerable for me to continue on like this.
Each day, I ask myself, “Why am I still here? Why does it even matter anymore?” Yet, I still continue on, forcing myself to believe that there is some good out of me still existing, that I have purpose. But how can I have purpose when all I bring to those around me is this excessive pain that never ceases? And how can I have purpose when I am already dead? I am the walking dead, a living shell of pain. I feel as if my soul has long since departed from me, and I am simply just…existing. I wake in the morning hoping to sleep at night, so I can escape from the pain that eats me alive, from the emptiness that haunts my soul. For the longest time, music was my purpose, and my only purpose was music, but this itself has withered and died away…For, my dear friends, I had also continued on for you. But I have found out, that I cannot continue these relationships with any of you, for I will only bring you pain.
Nikkura-sama, to you I pen this paragraph. I am deeply sorry for all the pain I have caused you, for all the years of torment you had to endure with me. But know this, know that I have always had the utmost respect in you, leader-sama. You had always the talent, the skill, the intelligence. You were always everything I had wanted to be, yet, no matter how hard I try, I could never be like you. To you, I am so sorry. I wish you the best in all your years, and I see all the faults in my errors from years past.
Toshiya-kun, to you I write these condolences. You may not understand the full extent of any of this, for your soul is one that is pure and innocent. You have been touched, albeit briefly, by the pain, and you have tangled with the devil, but you have broken free from hell’s grasps upon your soul and triumphed. I know not one who does not love you, who does not helplessly fall in love with your beautiful soul. You have more strength than you may know inside of you. Be strong through this, as I know you may be very confused as to why all this has occurred. My confidante, my friend, I will always be indebted to you for the warmth you have shared with me.
Kyo-kun, for you I shed these tears. You had been a wonderful friend to me these past years. If it is anyone who may comprehend why I have done this, I believe you to be the one. Always the insightful little devil, I had always known there was more than could ever meet the eye. The actor will always know his lines, and you are quite the performer. You, who is truly loved by many whether you know it or not, will one day find your peace. But I was forever cursed to be alone.
Shin-chan, for you I give my all. I have never seen a star that had shined so brightly, a light that had been so bright. In all my days, I have only had few glimpses of true beauty, but the day I met you I think I might have died and gone to heaven…For the beauty of your soul, the beauty of you is simply so incredible, I believed an angel had fallen out of the sky on gossamer wings. I am so sorry, so deeply sorry, for all the pain and the annoyance I have inflicted upon you. I am so sorry, that I could not have been a better person, like Nikkura-sama. That I could not have been a better person for you. For in all my years I had never known love, but when I saw you I knew I was fated to die alone. For this is a love that is forbidden. A love that would never be returned. I will always love you, my beautiful angel with the devil’s wings.
It is a cancer that eats me whole, a poison that eats me from within. I no longer have anything, for inside I am dead. I have died long ago, and it is wonder that I haven’t committed this act earlier. It is wonder that I even exist at this very moment as I pen these words. I have no will to live, I have no will for anything at all. And I wish you all the best. This is the beginning of the end. This is where the story closes. I’m no longer afraid of death’s embraces. Goodbye, my loved ones. But I do beseech one thing of you…to hold my memory near.

‘Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out brief candle.
Life’s but a walking shadow; a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more; it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.’

September 27th, 2000
Ando Daisuke


to be continued

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