Silent Reverie

by Krystal-chan


Kaoru sat on an amplifier, angrily tuning his guitar. He was simply going through the motions, doing what he did every day, acting as if everything was okay…But it was far from okay. Pain. God, the pain that ate him like cancer inside was attacking him from all angles. Unanswered questions echoed in his mind, etching scars that would be lasting upon his heart. Dark eyes scanned the empty studio and he grit his teeth, bringing his right hand down on the side of the amplifier. Hard. It didn’t hurt. Kaoru stared at his hand. The tender right side of it was chafed from the distressed metal of the amplifier. Stupid of him to take his anger out on musical equipment. Putting his guitar down, he leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, leaning forward and plunging his hands into his hair. His eyes were drawn to his worn-out black leather boots. He pulled on his hair. Shimatta! God, he felt betrayed. Earlier that morning, Kaoru had woken up and driven to Die’s house, excited to share his latest song with him. He wanted Die to help him work on the sheet music a bit more before they rehearsed…That’s all he wanted to do…Just share music…

Kaoru knocked again on the door of Die’s apartment. Frowning, he sighed as he reached into his pocket, fumbling for his keys. Die had given him an extra set of keys for emergency use. Looking down at the small metal key between his forefinger and thumb, Kaoru shifted from his left foot to his right, then glanced down at the packet of sheet music clutched in his left hand. Okay, this was an emergency. Kaoru slipped the key into the lock and let himself quietly into Die’s apartment. Glancing about the living room, Kaoru raised an eyebrow as his eyes took in the sight of clothes strewn all over the floor. That was just like Die to leave a mess behind him and not clean up. Rolling his eyes good-naturedly, Kaoru stepped over a broken vase and padded down the hallway to Die’s bedroom. The door was half-open, so Kaoru pushed the door open and was about to call Die’s name to wake him up when he noticed the beautiful, unmistakable naked figure of Aya, lying on her side next to a man he wished he did not know. The man who claimed to be his “best friend”. Kaoru blinked back angry tears, feeling bile rise up in his throat as he stared in fury at the sight before him, taking a haughty step backwards. No. This wasn’t happening. He waited, and waited to wake from this nightmare, and even went as far to pinch himself; but, to his dismay, he wouldn’t wake…
Turning quickly on his heel, Kaoru turned and left, not bothering to lock the door behind him. Tears. They burned his eyes, but he would not cry. They blinded him. But he would not submit to their power. He tilted his head back and forced them to recede. No, he would be strong. He had to be strong. Kaoru was never weak. Kaoru never cried. Taking a deep breath as he got into his car, he bit down on his lip so hard that he tasted the metallic flavor of blood, and felt the bitter sting of the small cut on his lip. Big deal. It would heal. His heart however…This was his best friend. This was Die! He hit the dashboard with his fist, cracking it slightly. Wow, wasn’t he just shit out of luck? Kaoru started the ignition and stepped on the gas, and left in a squeal of tires and burn rubber.

Kaoru didn’t even realize he was shaking until he sat up and looked down at his hands. They trembled with anger. He picked up his guitar, however shakily, and attempted to tune it again. The door suddenly blasted open, a cold gust of wind sweeping his hair up and out of his face as someone entered. Boots sounded hollowly on the ground, the door was slammed shut. He didn’t look up from his guitar, afraid that if it was him, someone would get hurt.
“Ohayou! I had the most awesome night last night.” Die’s voice called out to him. God, go away. Just please, go! Kaoru squeezed his eyes shut as he bit down on his lip and opened them slowly. Anger suddenly seemed to seize his whole body, and he raised narrowed eyes in an angry glare at Die.
“Wipe that goddamn smirk off your face, you dirty bastard.” Kaoru said softly.
Die blanched. “Nani? What’s your problem today? Didn’t get any ass last night?”
“Wanna know what’s my problem?” Kaoru stood up and slammed his guitar down. He whirled to face Die, raising a finger as his eyes flashed in anger and hatred. “YOU are my goddamn problem! I’m sick of you and I’m sick of your attitude and the way you never think about anyone but yourself. And most of all, I’m sick of the way you’ll fuck every single goddamn girl just because you’re alone and no one fucking wants you! Because no one can fucking stand you! I can’t even stand looking at you for one more moment. If I stand here any longer, I think I’m going to fucking break my guitar over your head! Look at you! Pathetic, all trying to convince yourself that you’re something you’re not by fucking your goddamn life away!”
Die was silent for a moment. He felt broken. Kaoru…Kaoru was saying this…Suddenly he felt indignant. No, he was furious. “I hope this isn’t about that little slut Aya. Just because you fucked her doesn’t mean I can’t get some of that ass too. She wants me just as badly as she wants you. So don’t get all high and mighty just because you’re leader-sama.”
“I NEVER FUCKED HER! I care about that “little slut” as you so kindly put it. She’s not like the rest of them, she’s different. But you wouldn’t know, would you? Always thinking with your fucking penis instead of with your head. Have you ever tried to actually talk to someone instead fucking the hell out of them, then throwing them away like yesterday’s trash? Oh wait, you’re not capable of carrying an intelligent conversation, I forgot about that. Gomen. There is no such thing as “relationships” in Daisuke’s world, because having a relationship would imply that you have to actually care about someone other than yourself, which, I might add, is impossible for you.” A bitter laugh.
“Why the hell do you care so much anyway? It was only some stupid girl.” Die shrugged, clenching his teeth to prevent him from crying. Broken, just simply pieces of broken glass on the floor. That’s all he was now. So useless. So worthless. He wanted to cry out, beg Kaoru to stop the words of acid that shredded his heart to pieces. But he couldn’t. All he could do was stand there and be stupid, continue to taunt Kaoru for more of the pain that was inflicted upon him. Well, he did deserve it after all…
“Because this ‘stupid girl’ has more beauty in just the simple way she laughs than you ever had in your entire life…” He paused. “You know, I believed you had some sort of decency in you. I believed you weren’t as stupid as everyone thought you to be. But I was wrong. You’re a lying, manipulative, betraying bastard who I can never trust again. Never say you’re my best friend, because that you’ll never be. From now on, you’re just part of Dir en Grey. Nothing more. No, don’t open your mouth to speak to me. I’ve had enough of your bullshit for today.” Kaoru grabbed his guitar and pushed past Die angrily, then paused for a second as he saw a trembling figure crouched by the doorway, the only thing giving him away was the shock of blue that caught Kaoru’s eye.

to be continued

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