Silent Reverie

by Krystal-chan


A cigarette grasped in two slender fingers burned as a slim figure leaned against the metal railing of a fire escape. Kyo brought the slowly burning stick of tobacco to parted lips and gratefully inhaled. Looking up at diamonds dancing in the sky, he sighed, exhaling the smoke that had taken momentary refuge in his lungs. The metallic sound of an empty metal garbage can being knocked over diverted his attention from the sky to the dark alley down below. A clothes line, weighed down by several garments gently swayed in the cool night breeze. Squinting, Kyo could make out the shape of a cat darting into the embrace of shadows. Baka neko. Kyo took another drag of the spent cigarette, then flicked the still-burning butt over the railing, watching the small red glow of ember fall to the awaiting ground below and fizzle out. He reached into his pocket and produced a silver lighter, with the Kanji symbol of his name engraved on the front. Toshiya had presented this to him last year, remarking that it may come into some use for him. Bringing a fresh cigarette to his lips, with a flick of the wrist, a blue-orange flame appeared from the lighter and he lit the end of the cigarette, inhaling. He sighed as he brought his hand up to the shock of blonde hair atop his head, raking slim fingers through those strands of gold. Soft brown eyes trailed down to the silver lighter in his hand, studying the Kanji symbol. “Kyo”. So simple, so boring, so…plain. Yes, he supposed he was. Plain. Biting on his lower lip, he ran his thumb over the symbol once. “Kyo”. It had originated from Kyoto, his birthplace. Niimura Tooru had long been forgotten. Niimura Tooru had been so weak, so naïve, scared of everything and everyone. He had even been scared of himself. Well, he supposed it didn’t matter now. Niimura Tooru had died years ago, and Kyo had been born, strong, full of life, unique. But even then, this “strong” Kyo was only a façade, a mask that the true Kyo hid behind. A faint breeze brushed against him, carrying the scent of apple blossoms. Invisible fingers lifted and teased his hair gently, twisting and distorting the smoke that rose off the end of his cigarette, making a slow ascend towards the heavens above. Clearing his throat, he spat over the railing and flicked the cigarette along with it into the darkness below. Turning, he stepped through the window of his apartment, blinking as his eyes adjusted to the light. The sound of rustling bedsheets diverted his attention to the bedroom. Bare feet soundlessly made their way across a polished wooden floor. Kyo leaned against his bedroom door momentarily, sighing inwardly as his eyes surveyed the sight before him. A naked figure, obviously female, was curled up on the side of his bed, blankets tangled between her legs. Clothes were strewn over the floor. Bending over to pick up a black button-down t-shirt, he slid it on, not caring to button the shirt. Sitting down on the other side of the bed, he turned to look at the girl. “Aisheteru, Kyo…” Her words still echoed in his mind. Stupid girl, pronouncing her fake love for him. Fake love. That’s all it was, and all it ever would be. She didn’t know him. She didn’t know who he really was. She only knew a face, a name, a façade that took the stage in a triumphant glory. A fearless man, this one. How little did she truly know. And she would never find out. Reaching over to the lamp on his nightstand, he flicked the switch on, blinking as the room was suddenly washed aglow with soft, bright yellow light. The girl made a soft noise and opened her eyes, blinking slowly. Her lips turned up in a small smile. Kyo didn’t smile back.
“Sumimasen. Kaoru just called moments ago on my mobile phone. I have to go, which means you have to leave as well.” It was so easy to lie to them. It always has been.
“That is so cool!” The girl squealed. Kyo didn’t even remember her name. She was just a warm body…But even so, her warmth still couldn’t reach the frost inside of him. “Maybe we can do this some other time, ne? I had a really good time, Kyo-sama.”
“Yeah, sure.” Kyo forced himself to smile, handing her various articles of her clothing as she dressed. He wanted so much for release from these endless cycles of endless self-destruction. How badly he had wanted to find someone to truly melt the ice inside of him, to warm him, to love him. Nearly laughing, he suddenly realized that no one knew who he really was inside. Not even those that were ‘closest’ to him. Did he even know? Eh, it didn’t matter. They always thought he slept all the time because he was lazy, never seeing through the act. It always was just an act. The girl was dressed. Now she threw her small arms around his neck, kissing him, thanking him. He was standing, walking her to the door. She was handing him a small piece of paper. Oh, her number. How cute. Kyo smiled and shoved the paper in his pocket, granting her with one last kiss as she departed from his flat. He instantly closed the door behind her, dug into her pocket and threw away the small piece of paper with eight numbers written on it. He found himself back out on the fire escape, head inclined towards the heavens, eyes scanning the endless skies. How he wished to fly to the stars and stay there, forever. How he wished that he never made a mistake which cost him the love of his life. The memory of a lone figure walking away would be forever etched into his mind. Staring down at the alley below him, he sighed.

On that day, I vanished from your sight.
Now it's already too late, what can I do?
Staring at you as you broke down crying, I embraced you even tighter than usual.
But you won't change
How I realize it now, your love is already gone...
I was truly a fool for you
Shall we end it here?
When I think of you, for some reason my eyes fill with tears.

Toshiya sighed as he glanced at Die, eyes filled with worry. The tall, thin red-head beauty was hunched over a mug of cold German beer. The scent of Escape, cigarette smoke, and pain rose off of him in small waves. Toshiya bit his lip, not knowing what to do. He had dragged Die out of the studio bathroom after an hour of pleading with him, then coaxed him into coming out to drink with him. Toshiya’s eyes flickered over Die’s face, trying to read him unsuccessfully as Die lifted the mug of beer to his lips and drank half of it down in four deep gulps. Turning to look at Toshiya, Die wiped the foam off his upper lip.
“Ne, aren’t you going to drink too? This is my third beer, and you’re still on your first.” Die tilted his head in an inquisitive manner, and Toshiya smiled, lifting his drink to his lips, taking a small sip. Toshiya licked his lips then set the drink back down. Die seemed distant, not like his usual self. But then again, considering the day’s events… Toshiya sighed. “Die, I…” Toshiya hesitated when Die looked over at him.
“I’m really worried about you. If you … need someone to talk to or anything…” Toshiya looked down on the ground, then back up to Die.
“Totchi, I’ll be okay. Don’t worry about me. You have enough to worry about,” Die laughed dryly and turned to finish the rest of his drink, then set the empty mug back down on the lacquered bar top. “But…Thank you. For today.”
Toshiya felt as if he were about to cry. In all the years that he had known Kaoru, he had never seen him as angry as he was at Die. Kaoru never lost his temper so badly. He was always level-headed. Toshiya hated knowing that there was a problem, and he couldn’t solve it. Inwardly laughing, he looked away from Die, eyes traveling over a happy couple sharing a drink together. He paused at them briefly, then looked down at his drink What could he ever do anyway? He knew he wouldn’t be able to solve anything. He never was good enough to fix a single thing. Ever since he was young, he always wasn’t good enough for anything… He wasn’t even good enough for-Toshiya quickly shook his head, not wanting to think, wishing that he couldn’t. He felt awkward. The silence between Die and him was deafening. Toshiya wanted to scream. Soft brown eyes trailed down to delicate hands, eyes traveling over every wrinkle, every blemish, every callous. Imperfect. Shaking his head, he pushed his thoughts away, turning his head quickly to glance at Die, who was abnormally quiet and picking at some American junk food. No, this wasn’t the right place to bring him. It would be better at home, where there weren’t as many people. Where he could relax. “Let’s go home, Die.”


to be continued

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