by Mana Crystal

Comments: Well, found out Chumkins is back up. ::Happy:: also, my parents and brother went to Utah for the weekend, home alone. :Does a happy dance:: but this is sort of a depressing fic... x_x This is Kyo's letter to Kaoru.

~~~~~~

Kaoru-

I'm dying. Can't you tell? I think you could see it, in fact I know you could. And I know that you understood why it was happening. You did didn't you? So why didn't you stop it? I have so many questions. But if I wait for you to come home, it'll just add more questions to my list. Let's start again. Shall we?

Do you remember the first time you kissed me? No, wait, I'm going to start with something farther back.

Do you remember the first time we actually went on a ‘date.' I almost don't want to say it was a date. It was more like....okay. It was a date. Do you remember how you came up to me after practice and sort of blushed and looked down, then at my face? I do. You stood there, as the others shuffled out and left us alone. You blushed, looked at your feet and then blushed again. Then, in the softest voice....you said: ‘Would you like to come with me to the movies?' It was so sweet, you didn't ask me to a bar, you know I don't like to drink. I nodded and said yes. I didn't really understand. Because back then...I was so blind...so fucking blind. I thought you actually liked me. It had been a while, since I had begun liking you. And I thought...just maybe, you actually cared. But, like I said, I was blind.

You took me home that night dropped me off at my door. You stood there while I opened the door. I was watching you from the corner of my eye. Something flashed on you're face. I couldn't place it then, I can now. You were annoyed. I know why now, but that....that comes later. Right now...right now all I want to remember is how you smiled at me...how you hugged me gently and asked if you could have a glass of water before leaving. I said yes and invited you in. Totchi was up, sitting on the couch, reading. That was weird. He never sat up and waited for me. I remember thinking he looked so much like a mother hen. That was before. I simply walked into the kitchen, leaving you two talking softly. When I returned, you were gone. I frowned and shrugged walking back and dumping the water down the drain. I walked back out and sat next to Totchi. He didn't say anything. Now that I really think about it...he looked upset. God, why didn't I see it. That was also the night that he first slept with me.

Yeah, I know you know that though, but that comes later. First, I thought that the world had suddenly realized that it had cut my half short and was making up for it, by giving me first you, then Totchi. I thought...I thought that everything was coming back to me. But I was wrong. Do you remember the next day? Die asked me if I wanted to come over. I accepted with a smile. Suddenly, after being ignore and left out for so long....you all wanted me...ALL of you. Except Shinya...Shinya wasn't playing into the game. At first I thought that he was just jealous. Yes, that's how disillusioned I was. I thought Shinya, the beauty, was jealous of me. Little old me. What a bunch of shit. I cornered him one day and asked him why he kept giving you all nasty looks he wouldn't say, so I bawled him out for being mean, trying to hurt me. I was such a dope.

After a few weeks all three of you began to work harder to get my attention. Gifts, trips, even songs. It was so...strange. I started to get suspicious. Everything came in an order. First you, then Totchi, then Die. It was beginning to make me a bit unhappy. It seemed as if you all had a plan. That's when it hit me that everything was done in order. That order. On Monday's I was with you, Wednesday's was Totchi and Friday's were Die. I canceled dates. I stopped seeing any of you outside of work. It was just too organized. And none of you seemed jealous of the others.

Now...here I need to ask, Why. Why couldn't you have just loved me? All I wanted from the moment I saw you...was you. Only you.

Anyway, after that I found out what was up. I called Shinya and asked him to please come over. He sat next to me and asked what was wrong. I stared at him and asked: ‘What are they doing?' He wouldn't tell me at first, but when I looked at him quietly for a moment he broke, out spilled details of lust and betrayal. God it all sounds so dramatic. Doesn't it? But that's what it was.

This next part you know.

The three of you loved each other. Die loved Totchi, you loved Totchi. Totchi wanted you both. You know how he is. So selfish. But from what Shinya tells me, you and Die cornered him one night. Told him he had to chose. You or him. He told you that he couldn't choose, that he loved you both, so there would be a contest. You would all attempt to make me fall in love with you, if you won then Totchi would choose you, if Die won, then Totchi was his. If Totchi won, then he got you both. While Shinya told me all this is just stared at him. It was such a stupid thing to do. None of you counted on me loving you. You all figured that playing with me like a pawn was fine. I told Shinya to leave. He did., then Totchi came home and I got an idea.

This makes me feel so stupid, to write this...

I loved you, so maybe...maybe if I made Totchi think that Die had caught my interest...he would choose him, and you would realize you loved me....I told you it was stupid. So when Totchi came home I told him that I didn't want to date him at all anymore. He asked why and I said that I had fallen for Die. Or, I at least felt the need to explore what ‘we' had. Something flashed on his face. This time it didn't take me two years to know what it was. I knew right away. It was jealousy. He actually thought that I wanted Die. See, what I didn't know was that he had just come home from breaking up with you to be with Die. But that didn't last for long. Do you know what happened? Did he tell you? I don't think he ever did. But I will.

He hit me. Hard. Again, and again. So many times that I can't remember. I yelled and said I'm sorry that I didn't mean it, just to please stop, tell me what was wrong. He did stop after a while. I just laid there on the floor, bleeding and curled up. He stood over me and I think what he did sunk in because he started crying. He ran to the bathroom, and...I think this is rather amusing. He brought out a big box of first aid cream and some band aids. He sat there crying and putting band-aids on my face and other places that were cut or bruised. I remember that he got so frustrated when the band-aid on my nose wouldn't stay because my nose was swelling. I started laughing and he just sat there crying. I really loved him right then. I told him it was okay, but could he please bring me a bag of ice. He said yes and ran to get me some, when he came back he sat down and apologized then told me that Die and him were seeing each other. I told him that it was okay and that all I really wanted was you. You should have seen him, so confused. I explained that I knew about his way of choosing between you two and that I had planned on him picking Die so I could have you. He said ‘oh....well you could have just asked me for him.' just like that, like he owned you. It made me smile.

The next day it was like a big chasm had divided the band. You sat and glared at Totchi and Die, fuck, if looks could kill...Shinya was smart. He stayed out of the whole mess. He was happy, being behind his drums. But I was right in the line of fire. You yelled. A lot. At everyone. Except Shinya. I think that you knew he had nothing to do with it. You're smarter then I thought.

And that's how things stayed for a few months. Totchi and Die against you. I loved you... I really did. I kept thinking, that maybe somehow you would wake up and realize that you loved me too. But you didn't. I remember the day you asked me out again. I don't know why I thought you wanted me. But I did. So I agreed and we went out. Do you remember. Was it just an act, because I thought...I thought I saw happiness on you're face, when it started to rain. We were outside and it began to pour. Remember? Near that fountain in the park? No warning, nothing. Just started pouring on our heads. I giggled. I know that I did. And I looked at you with a grin and said: ‘Look Kaoru! It's raining!' And started spinning. It was beautiful. You were standing there watching me and I just spun. I started singing. That X Japan song that Shinya had been playing the night before.

Endless Rain was the name. I only sang some of it: **‘It's a dream I'm in love with you, madoromi dakishimete,

Endless rain fall on my heart kokoro no kizu ni, Let me forget all of the hate all of the sadness I awake from my dream, I can't find my way without you...'** I looked over at you and you were watching me. At that moment....you made me the happiest person in the world. You just watched me with a smile on your face and genuine happiness in your eyes. Then you walked over and slid your arms around me leaning your head down and pressing you're lips against mine. Even now I know you felt something for me. At least during that moment in time I held your heart. Your lips were so soft. When you pulled away you smiled and touched my cheek before taking my hand and walking me home.

That was the best moment of our relationship.

We dated for a month or two before we began sleeping together. After we fucked....well. I know you remember the rest. After that you began abusing me. I would come home to find you waiting in my bed. By then Totchi had moved out. After a few times you didn't even say anything anymore. You just took me. Violently. Then you left. Everything since then has been a blur. Pain, suffering, fucking, blood, semen, and hate. All rolled up into one big long year.

There were some rare times when you didn't leave after you hurt me. Those were the times I hated the most. You would tell me exactly why you hated me. Would tell me why I couldn't be to one you loved. Told me how I could never be Totchi. Could never have you're heart. But that was only for the last few weeks. After you moved in with me....remind me again why I let you do that?

But I still loved you. After all of it. And I still do. I think the final straw came last night. You were standing in the doorway of the practice room and you asked if you could talk to Totchi and Die alone. Shinya and I left. I don't know what was said, or anything like that. All I know is that when you walked out you were smiling. You looked at Totchi and then at Die. And you smiled. Then you looked at Shinya and chuckled. He just shook his head and looked away. You know, he was always there for me....those nights you left me bruised and beaten I could call him and he would come and help me. He always knew. Always knew how to help. Anyway, then....you looked at me. I stood back in the corner next to the vending machine. I was wondering when you would look at me. I was wondering when you would remember me. You walked over slowly. I noticed Shinya, Die and Totchi were watching. You came over and looked at me. Then you said: ‘I'm coming to get my stuff tomorrow, around midnight. Have it ready.' I didn't say anything. But I know a tear rolled down my cheek. You leaned in close and whispered. ‘I told you, you can never be Totchi, and you can't ever have my heart...' Then you turned around. Linked hands with Die and Totchi and left. I started sobbing. Totchi and Die both looked back all I could do was cry. Shinya wrapped his arms around me and told me it would be okay. He took me home and now, here I sit. It's almost ten. You're coming in two hours.

I stopped eating a while ago. Small portions. I started cutting myself too. It was all a release from the pain you set on me. But I'm dying. I started dying the day I went to the movies with you. I was dying when you kissed me. I was dying when you left me. When you need me again...I'll be dead. Kaoru....all I wanted was you. All I wanted was for you to look at me and to love me. Even if it was only in a friendly way....I'm dying... Kaoru...all I want is to stay in that moment, in the rain when you kissed me. And have you hold me and look at me the way you did. If I could relive that moment....once. I would die happy. But I won't....I'm not going to die happy. But at least I'm letting you know, that I died loving you.

I'm dying. Couldn't you tell? Why didn't you stop it? Kaoru....why?

....Why.....

Love,

Kyo.

~~~~~~

Epilogue

~~~~~~

Kaoru stood over the newly covered grave and cried silent tears.

"It's to late now Kyo....to late. I realized what I had to late. I realized....that night, when I was with the others. I realized that it was you I loved. I was coming home to you, to tell you that I was sorry, to beg for you to forgive me.... Kyo, you died not knowing that I loved you...you died thinking I hated you....Kyo...I'm so sorry. So sorry. I love you." Kaoru talked softly before sliding down and laying on the grass curled into a ball. He reached into his wallet and pulled out the dried bloody razor. Muttering his dead lovers name, Kaoru pressed the edge to the flesh of his wrist and began to press down.....

Rain poured out of the sky and Shinya stood staring at the fountain in the park. He smiled through his tears. Crying for his friends. But somewhere amid the patter of rain drops he swore he could hear a manly voice giggle and say: ‘Look Kaoru! It's raining!' then a voice started singing sweetly: ‘It's a dream I'm in love with you, madoromi dakishimete, Endless rain fall on my heart kokoro no kizu ni, Let me forget all of the hate all of the sadness I awake from my dream, I can't find my way without you...' Shinya felt the tears slid slowly from his eyes. Turning he walked away and disappeared into the rain.

~owari~

So? What do you think? Um the lyrics are from X Japan's Endless Rain. As if you didn't know. Uh, my friend said that I should have made the ending happier. But that was as happy as it gets. Comments anyone?

~Mana Crystal

back to deg fics pg 3