Title: Pretty When You Cry
Author: Mana Crystal
Bands: Dir en Grey (I really need a new band to write about. X_x send me MP3's so I can like new people. ~_~;; j/k)
Pairings: Toshiya x Kaoru, Shinya x Kyo, Shinya x Toshiya, Die x Jun (Pierrot)
Warnings: OOC, Violence, Rape, Yaoi
Comments: um...I just wrote this fic one morning because I was singing this song and an idea popped into my head. I should be working on ‘Complicated Love pt. 2' But I'm not. I'm kinda at a stand still with that fic...so you'll all have to wait. Okay, this isn't really a song fic, but it...um...is kinda. Know what I mean? Anyway. The song is called ‘Pretty When You Cry' by Vast. Um...okay every other verse is in 3rd person, so it goes, 1st person then 3rd person and so forth, at the end of the 3rd person there are *'s things that are first person, and at the end of the 1st person there are 8's with 3rd person in them. Get it? Good. I hope so. The song is below.

You're made of my rib or baby
You're made of my sin
And I can't tell where your lust ends
And where your love begins

I didn't want to hurt you baby
I didn't want to hurt you
I didn't want to hurt you
But you're pretty when you cry

And the moon gives me permission
And I enter through her eyes
She's losing through her virginity
And all her will to compromise

I didn't want to hurt you baby
I didn't want to hurt you
I didn't want to hurt you
But you're pretty when you cry

I didn't want to fuck you baby
I didn't want to fuck you
I didn't want to fuck you
But you're pretty when you're mine

I didn't really love you baby
I didn't really love you
I didn't really love you
But I'm pretty when I lie

You hurt me baby

I hurt you baby

If you knew how much I loved you
You would run awayBut I treat you bad
It always makes you want to stay

I didn't want to hurt you baby
I didn't want to hurt you baby
I didn't want to hurt you baby
I didn't want to hurt you baby

~Fic~

~~~
You're made of my rib or baby
You're made of my sin
And I can't tell where your lust ends
And where your love begins
~~~

I guess it started a long time ago. About the time everything changed. When we were no longer La:Sadies but Dir en Grey. That was when he joined. Yeah. A new Bassist. A new member. Shinya and him clicked right away. You could tell that even though Shinya was dating Kyo.....well lets just say that there was more then friendship between my bassist and my drummer. Okay, I know they aren't -mine- but....they are. They all are mine, no matter what anyone says. Anyway. Die liked him too. It wasn't like he was just attracted to the beauty, no. Unlike Shin-chan, Die was faithful to his lover....That's another thing. Die was dating Jun. Yeah the one from Pierrot. He met him through me, when I had my little fling with Kirito. (Um...no connection to Complicated love. X_x-MC) But, they liked each other. They became good friends. Die and his personality's fit right together. They were both so hyper that they could talk for hours about nothing. Now, Kyo and him...they didn't exactly CLICK, but they did okay. Seeing as Shinya was fucking around on Kyo with him...Kyo wasn't to thrilled about being friends with the bitch. But,...when you're in a band, you have to be friends.
Now...me. I on the other hand, where the others fit, I didn't. I made that kid. I know I did, though he was scared of me at first, he soon was staying after practices so I could help him with this or that, a new bass line a song he felt would be good for the next album. You know we were one of the only two indie's bands that had a record that placed on the charts. Yeah, kick ass huh? So, he stayed after...a lot. We would talk, I told him, I don't know why, but I told him about all the shit I had done, how I had fucked people, willingly or non. I don't know why I told him all of my sins, but I did. And then...he said he loved me, my little bassist. The one I had made with my own hands. Said he loved me. I didn't know if it was lust, or love. We fucked. Right there. It was one of the best fuck's of my life. And he said it again, he loves me. Unbelievable. I didn't reply...
*Kaoru stared at Toshiya as he orgasmed....he face was so beautiful...*

~~~
I didn't want to hurt you baby
I didn't want to hurt you
I didn't want to hurt you
But you're pretty when you cry
~~~

Kaoru stood up and pulled his pants and shirt on. Toshiya just laid on the couch and watched him. With a frown the guitarist walked down the hall to the bathroom and got some paper towels and a glass of water, returning to the couch he began wiping up the evidence of the sex that had just occurred. He didn't look at Toshiya.
"I love you." Toshiya repeated it. Kaoru didn't reply, just continued wiping up the mess. Toshiya frowned and sat up, still naked. "Say something. I really love you, Kao-chan."
"Shut up." Kaoru snapped and finished his cleaning job. Standing up he threw away the soiled paper and the paper cup of water.
"Why. I love you!" Toshiya stood up and grabbed Kaoru. The purple headed man pushed the blue headed one away and scowled at him.
"No. Shut the fuck up."
"NO I LOVE YOU!" Toshiya screamed at him. Kaoru growled and slapped Toshiya across the cheek.
"I. Said. Shut. The. Fuck. Up." Kaoru grabbed Toshiya's clothes and threw them at him. He turned away from Toshiya and headed towards the door.
"I Kyo left without me. Remember...we come together...will you drive me home?" Kaoru turned around and stared at the younger man. He was sitting on the floor not even dressed yet.
"No. Walk." At that Toshiya began crying. Silent tears ran down his cheeks. He turned around and walked out.
*I didn't want to hurt him, I didn't mean to hurt him. It wasn't on purpose. He's so pretty when he cries...so pretty...*

~~~
And the moon gives me permission
And I enter through her eyes
She's losing through her virginity
And all her will to compromise
~~~

It wasn't my fault. It was like I didn't know what I was feeling. Like someone else was talking. I don't know what made me walk away from his. Maybe I was afraid of what I had felt. I think I felt love. But no...it was only for a moment. Maybe it was to moon, the moon gave me that feeling. But...later, after that day...the next practice, the next week...he didn't say a word, and he stayed after still. Not a word was said about what I had done. He just stayed and asked for help. And when I dropped him of, late that night at his house, still nothing had been said. He asked me to walk him to his door, cause he was scared. So I did and when we got there, he looked up and me and smiled, he said he understood that I didn't love him, but that he really did love me. And that he was sorry about what had happened. Wait no. He rephrased it and said he was sorry that it had ended the way it had. He said he was not sorry that we had, had sex. But he wished it had been making love. Then...he leaned over and kissed me. Gently on te lips. It was like he was a virgin again, a virgin kissing someone for the first time....even though he was losing when he acted that way.
He disappeared through his doorway and I found Kyo standing down the hall a bit. I knew that he knew what had happened between me and Toshiya, he told me not to hurt him. That tears were pretty but his soul was even more beautiful. I didn't listen. I was the great ‘Leader-sama' why should io listen to my vocalist?
*Kaoru walked away down the hall, leaving Kyo to stand alone staring after him with a knowing look*

~~~
I didn't want to hurt you baby
I didn't want to hurt you
I didn't want to hurt you
But you're pretty when you cry
~~~

"Toshiya. Stay after practice, I need to talk to you...." Kaoru frowned at the Bassist and then looked down at the paper in his hands. A new song. It was good. But it was Die's...so of corse it was good. Toshiya nodded and said he would stay. Kaoru put the paper down and smiled at Die.
"It's good I like it, we'll practice it tomorrow. You can all leave..." Kaoru knew that Toshiya knew that excluded him. It was the first time Kaoru had asked Toshiya to stay behind. Kyo smiled and hugged Toshiya telling him to play nice. Shinya had winked at the bassist and walked out holding Kyo's hand. Kyo yelled back that he would leave the car for Toshiya. Kaoru knew that this was because he didn't want the younger man to be left to walk again. Before leaving the vocalist threw a look at Kaoru. Die just left, he was smart, he stayed OUT of it. Kaoru sat down on the couch and stared hard at Toshiya.
"So, why did you ask me to stay." Kaoru waited until he was sure all the rest of the band were out of hearing distance before he slapped Toshiya, making the younger man fall on the floor.
"You fucking bitch. You told Kyo, you know he's on my ass now, you little fucking slut." Kaoru growled down at the other man, who was laying at his feet sobbing and clutching his face. Toshiya looked up at Kaoru and stared at him crying. "You know...you're pretty when you cry...you should do it more often." With that Kaoru grabbed his guitar and left.
*I didn't mean to hurt him...I didn't want to hurt him...I didn't want to hurt him. I don't know why I did it, maybe it's because he's so pretty when he cries.*

~~~
I didn't want to fuck you baby
I didn't want to fuck you
I didn't want to fuck you
But you're pretty when you're mine
~~~

I know what I did was awful, but what I did next...well that was worse. I knew Kyo was going to be with Shinya the day after, so I went to Toshiya and he let me in. God, why did he let me in? He's just...I don't know. But it was horrible. He had a bruise on his cheek, I asked him what he told Kyo, he said that he told Kyo that it happened while we were making up. That my hand had hit him in the middle of sex. That made me man and stood up and walked over to the window. Toshiya started crying and saying how he didn't know what else to tell him. It didn't matter I grabbed him and dragged him into his room.
I raped him. It was wrong, but I did it. Maybe it wasn't rape exactly. He gave it to me willingly. He didn't resist. But I hurt him, I claimed him, made him mine. God...he was so beautiful, under me, squirming and crying with the pain. I wasn't gentle like I had been before. I just fucked him....he was mine.
*Kaoru growled and pulled his pants up. Leaving Toshiya on the bed curled up with pain. On the way out he met Kyo and Shinya coming in. Kaoru hoped that Toshiya had enough sense not to say anything.*

~~~
I didn't really love you baby
I didn't really love you
I didn't really love you
But I'm pretty when I lie
~~~

The next day at practice it was tense. Die didn't know what was happening, and when Shinya started explaining it to him he held up a hand and told him to stop. He didn't want to hear it. Die was smart. Toshiya stayed in his spot and didn't move. He played his bass, in fact the only time he wasn't standing where he was supposed to was during the break when he sat on the couch and talked to Kyo and Shinya. Kaoru didn't spare a glance for any of them. He just walked out onto the roof and stood by the edge staring down at the busy streets. He heard someone come up behind him, maybe they would push him off. Maybe.
"Kaoru..." It was Shinya.
"Shinya..." Kaoru sighed and puffed away on his smoke.
"You can't do this anymore. I won't let you." Shinya growled softly out.
"I don't see as you can stop me. He's mine, Shinya." Kaoru replied. "Just because you fuck him when Kyo isn't looking doesn't mean you can take what's mine away."
"Yes I can."
"He loves me Shinya. No matter how awful I treat him. He's mine." Kaoru put his smoke out and turned smiling at Shinya then walking away. He had to fix this. Toshiya was his. His Tears were his. His beauty was his...Kaoru walked past Kyo coming up, not even paying attention to what the little man said to him. He walked down, past Die, who was on the phone with Jun. Toshiya was in the wash room. Kaoru entered and walked up behind the younger man, who froze, watching him in the mirror. Kaoru smiled and slid his arms around Toshiya whispering in his ear.
"I'm sorry...."
"Really." Toshiya's eye lit up and looked at Kaoru's face, searching ‘no not really....' Kaoru thought.
"Yes, really...I love you...don't leave me." He didn't really love him...but Toshiya began crying and turned throwing his arms around Kaoru. Kaoru stared at his own face in the mirror, hold Toshiya.
*God's I'm pretty when I lie.....I see why he loves me...I'm so pretty, when I lie...I must be pretty a lot...*

~~~
You hurt me baby
~~~

I knew it was a lie, I lied, saying I love him....well...I didn't...but I was close...And yet, if I didn't love him, when I found him fucking Shinya, why did it hurt me...I don't know, but I found them, late after practice I had left my watching in the studio, and it was the last time we would have the studio, we were going up one level so we had to take everything away and move it to the new level. And I left my watch. When I walked in later, I found Toshiya, wrapped in Shinya's arms. I think maybe it wasn't just the fact that Shinya was with Totchi...but the fact that Toshiya was sleeping, in Shinya's arms. He never slept in mine, I don't know what I felt...but it hurt. Not just that...but Shinya was playing with Totchi's hair...and love shown in his eyes... it showed almost more then when he looked at Kyo. I walked in and slammed the door rather loudly, it woke Totchi up. He looked on in horror as I walked calmly over and picked up my watch sliding it on my wrist. I turned and looked at them. Shinya looked almost as terrified as Totchi. It made me laugh. I laughed very hard....
*Kaoru doubled over, laughing Toshiya stared at his lover with slight fear. Kaoru hadn't don't anything like this, since he had met him...*

~~~
I hurt you baby
~~~

"Kaoru-chan?" Shinya ventured. And it was as if hearing Shinya's voice made Kaoru mad. He stopped laughing and stood up straight. "Please don't be mad...it's nothing....just sex."
"Don't lie Shin-CHAN, I saw how you looked at him. At MY lover...how you held him...the love....fuck you Shinya and fuck you too Totchi-CHAN." Kaoru yelled putting more hate into the ‘chan's' then anyone had ever heard him put into anything before.
"No...Kao-chan...don't do this..I love you...not Shinya... Shinya and me just fuck..." Toshiya scrambled out of Shinya's arms and ran to Kaoru wringing his hands.
"You're a fucking liar, and a fucking slut...you know Toshiya....you hurt me....I'm gonna hurt you." Kaoru smiled slowly and punched Toshiya hard in the gut, leaning down to whisper in his ear.
"I never loved you Totchi.....never loved you at all..." Kaoru turned and walked out, tears streamed down his face.
*Am I still pretty when I lie...am I still pretty....?*

~~~
If you knew how much I loved you,
You would run away
But I treat you bad
It always makes you want to stay
~~~
I didn't go to practice at all. And after someone called I unplugged the phone. I locked my door and when they came I would sneaked to the door and peak through the eye hole, they knew I was in there because I had my music on. It made me wonder why Toshiya stayed with me. If he knew what I would do for him...if he knew that I actually did love him...if he knew how strongly I felt...he would run away far away and never come back to me....it would be too intense for him...maybe one day I thought I could tell him the truth...Maybe it was because I treated him so awful...maybe that made him want and love me more.
Anyway I knew I had to go out sometime. I needed more food. So one day, after about three weeks I silently unlocked my door, turned off the music and the lights and locked it again. I had put a dead bolt on my door because I knew that Die and Totchi had a key to the other two locks. I locked all three locks and drove down to some store. I knew I looked like hell. I hadn't brushed or re-dyed my hair. It was a mess. I had kept up on my washing but that was all. I was painfully thin. And I didn't shave. So by then I had some really awful hair on my face. Half my head was brown the other was purple. When I got back to my apartment I unloaded the food and went up the elevator.
My door was unlocked. They were all sitting in my living room. Tense. Even Die, who had stayed out of everything. They were sitting there. I actually didn't see them at first I just walked into the kitchen and put my stuff away then I stood in front of the mirror in the hall and began talking to myself. By that time...I think I had lost part of my sanity.
*"Look at you Kaoru...you're a wreck....don't even shave anymore..and now someone's broken in to you're house....the door was...oh fuck." Kaoru noticed the four figure on the couch, staring at him.*

~~~
I didn't want to hurt you baby
I didn't want to hurt you baby
I didn't want to hurt you baby
I didn't want to hurt you baby
~~~
"Kaoru...." Shinya spoke softly. Kaoru was frozen, deer in the headlights look on his face. He stared at Toshiya, and then Shinya, then Die, and then Kyo. Three options he could run to his room and lock the door. They couldn't get in there....but he would have to come out sometime. Two he could sit down and talk to them or three he could get stark raving mad. He chose the last option Kaoru spun around and stood defensively.
"Get the fuck out of my house." Kaoru said softly. That was the worse, When Kaoru went quiet.
"We're not leaving, look at you..." Kyo stood up.
"If you don't get the fuck out, right no, I'm calling the cops. Breaking and entering you bitches....breaking and entering." Kaoru growled.
"We didn't break, we only entered." Die smiled and stood up walking over and standing next to Kaoru. He knew that Kaoru wouldn't hit him...they were best friends.
"Die-chan...I'm tired.." Kaoru's energy seemed to disappear and he leaned on his friend. Die wrapped his arms around Kaoru and held him close walking him back into his room.
"Talk to me...what's wrong." Die sat himself down on Kaoru's bed and pulled the other man onto his lap holding him again. Only Die could do that without getting smacked. Kaoru rested his head on Die's shoulder and began crying.
"I love him...Die...I do...I don't want to but I do...and he hurt me...I had to hurt him....had to...I can't believe I fell in love with him...why couldn't I fall in love with you..." Kaoru sobbed, not aware of the others standing in the doorway.
"Because I'm with Jun that's why, you big oaf." Die smiled and kissed Kaoru's forehead. "Plus we both like being on top."
"Die... I wanna die....I'm sick of being the one who everyone comes running to...I'm sick of being strong..." Kaoru whispered and Die glared towards the others.
"I don't want you to die. Never....Toshiya....Totchi and you need to talk, nee?" Die Motioned for Toshiya to come and talk to Kaoru. He moved Kaoru off his lap and the other man laid down on the bed. Toshiya came up and sat next to Kaoru, taking his hand, the others left and went back into the living room.
"You really love me...Kao-chan." Toshiya stared down at his lover with tears in his eyes.
"Hai. More then anything...I'm sorry I hurt you baby...so sorry...I didn't want to hurt you...didn't....wanna hurt you...."
"I understand..." Toshiya laid down and wrapped his arms around his lover. Kyo snuck back to the living room and the others left.

~Epilogue~

I didn't want to hurt him, I explained that he was so pretty when he cried and that I was so sorry...and he took me back....and now.....we've lasted for so long...years...and it doesn't matter...cause he loves me. And he's never been with Shinya since...that's it...our story...even though he's still pretty when he cries, I only make him cry for joy now....and he's learned that I'm even more pretty when I lie....so he can tell when I lie. It's amazing how you can find you're soul mate...

~owari~



Well that's it...anyone like it..? I don't like the ending. I think it sucks. Anyway....comments?? Please? Oh also I don't particularly like Kaoru and Toshiya as a couple....but this is the only pairing that worked the way I wanted it to....plus I put in a Jun and Die and a Shinya and Kyo...with a bit of Shinya and Toshiya, so I'm happy. :)


~Mana Crystal

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