The World I Know

by Mana Crystal

Warnings: Angst, death, OOC
Pairing: um.... Die x Kyo, Die + Kaoru, Kaoru x Die, Toshiya x Shinya
Comments: Written to the song ‘The World I Know' by Collective Soul. Reprinted without permission. I do not own Dir en grey they own themselves they might own each other. Don't sue me. I have no money. Don't sue my parents they have less money than I do. :) Song lyrics are between ~'s. Thoughts are * and flashbacks are ----‘s 

~~~
Has our conscience shown?
Has the sweet breeze blown?
Has all the kindness gone?
Hope still lingers on.
I drink myself of newfound pity
Sitting alone in New York City
And I don't know why.
~~~

Die sat alone staring off into space on the top of his apartment building. He had a bottle of sake next to him but he hadn't touched it yet. The wind was blowing against him and he noticed that it was getting colder as the night wore on. He had been sitting there for around 3 hours just staring. He watched as night settled down around him and the stars came out. *Amazing how well I can see them. I never really noticed before....* the lights in the buildings around him slowly shut off as the night began to deepen. It was around 2 in the morning. *Maybe I should go inside....* the thought filtered through the haze of Die's mind before he shook his head and opened the bottle next to him, gulping down the alcohol like it was water. He moaned softly and began thinking back...

- - - - 

"Kyo?' Die asked quietly as his lover came into the bedroom.
"Die? You're still up?" The voice had an edge.
"Yeah....where did you go?"
"No Where. Lets sleep hum?"
"Okay." Die let Kyo wrap his arms around him and he fell slowly to sleep, not noticing when the arms left him to lift the phone and dial a number...

- - - -

*I was so stupid.......*
"so stupid" he said out load.

~~~~
Are we listening
To hymns of offering?
Have we eyes to see
That love is gathering?
All the words that I've been reading
Have now started the act of bleeding
Into one.
Into one.
~~~~

Die gulped back more Sake.

- - - -
"Kyo lets go drinking tonight, hum?" Die frowned softly as he watched Kaoru, his long time best friend place a small hand on his lovers arm as he asked the question.
"Okay, that's okay right, Die?" Kyo turned his pretty eyes to his reddish brown headed lover.\
"Kyo, I'm you're lover, not you're keeper, you don't have to ask me...." Die smild and placed a small kiss on his lovers forehead....
- - - -

*That must have ben the start of it all, I'm so stupid.* Die drink more of the alcohol.

- - - -around 3 month's after the last flashback- - - -
"Kyo?" Die stepped into the empty apartment. *Where could he be? I thought he was only going out for a drink and would be back by midnight. Jesus....* Die frowned as he walked into the bedroom. He stopped in the doorway and stared at the small piece of white paper laying on his pillow. Trying to stay calm he slowly walked over and picked it up, reading it.

<i>Die~
I'm sorry. No, I'm not sorry. I loved you a lot but I care more for Kaoru. I'm really sorry that it happened this way. But I'm not sorry it happened. You and I both know that this was a dead end relationship. We were drifting apart. I'm also sorry that I don't have enough guts to tell you this to you're face. But I would rather not. Please don't be bitter. I have to tell you that you are the last to know, I know it's cruel. But I want you to know. Totchi and Shinya know already they knew a month ago. They are happy for us. Please be happy for us as well.....

~Kyo</i>

Under his lover *ex-lover's* note there was a short one from Kaoru.

<i>Die,
I'm sorry I did this to you, but I love him. We're still friends right? Practice tomorrow at 5.</i>

Die let the note fall from his hand as he sat down on the bed and began crying.
- - - -

*Want a laugh, Friends.....*

~~~~
So I walk upon high
And I step to the edge
To see my world below.
And I laugh at myself
While the tears roll down.
'Cause it's the world I know.
Well it's the world I know.
~~~~
Die stood up and walked to the edge of the building, leaving his bottle behind where he had sat. He stared down at the few people walking by. He pushed a hand through his hair and began laughing softly.

- - - -
"Die?" Toshiya looked up as the red head came into the room, luging his guitar on his back. Shinya sat next to Toshiya, with his head on his lovers shoulder. Kyo and Kaoru stood talking and kissing in a corner. Kaoru turned to stare at him.
"You're late." Kaoru said with a frown. Die ran his eyes over his friends form. *He's so happy, compleatly uncaring for my pain.*
"Sorry, slept really late today then I had some things to do." Die shrugged and walked over, pluging in his guitar and tuning it slowly. He was well aware of the others staring at him, watching for a reaction, since he hadn't really looked at anyone and his face was passive.
"Die?" Shinya asked softly.
"What, Shin-chan?" Die asked and raised his eyes to his friend.
‘Are you okay?"
"Why wouldn't I be?" Die was just waiting for someone to mention the breakup. *But, then maybe that's not such a great idea...I might start crying or something* Die frowned and pushed a hand through his hair, centering himself on his thoughts he didn't hear Shinya speak til the younger man put a hand on his arm.
"Die....?"
"Sorry, Shin-chan I'm a bit um...distracted.....forgive me, yeah?"
"Sure...Die, Sure." Shinya nodded and stood pulling Die up to him the other man tightly to him. Die stood there blinking before slowly wrapping his arms around the slender frame, hugging his friend back....
- - - -

Die laughed softly as tears dripped down his cheeks and off his chin. He stared down at the people and at the street. *This is my life, my world...

~~~~
I drink myself of newfound pity
Sitting alone in New York City
And I don't know why.
And I don't know why.
~~~~

Die sat down slowly and laughed to himself, crying and watching the people, he reached back and grabbed another bottle from his bag.
"Why?"

~~~~
So I walk upon high
And I step to the edge
To see my world below.
And I laugh at myself
While the tears roll down.
'Cause it's the world I know.
Well it's the world I know.
~~~~

Die sighed and stared out at the sky. He heard the door open behind him and heard a soft gasp. But with a sigh he slid back into his memory's.

- - - -
"Kao-kun...." Kyo moaned as his lover fondled him through his clothes. Die cleared his throat as he came into the practice room, a bit early.
"Die...you're early. Why can't you just show up-"
"Well dammit, Kaoru you bitch when I'm late, I thought you'd be happy I'm here. Fuck. Make up you're god damned mind. Or maybe I should just stop coming all together. Maybe that's what you'd like. God dammit! Is it that I'm so completely incompetent that I can't do a single thing right? I tried to make you happy. Both of you. Dammit! I TRIED! I tried for you, Kyo to be the best lover ever, to give myself to you fully. And to you I tried to be the best friend I could be. And to you both I tried to ignore what I saw, right before my eyes. And then when you both hurt me...I tried to forgive you. I tried to make you all so fucking happy. Toshiya and Shinya as well, tried to be happy and strong and just let you both do what ever the hell you wanted. I'm here early so I can go over a song with you Kaoru. Why do I even try?" Die yelled, suddenly all the past month's just exploaded and he gave up trying to push the tears back. He dropped his guitar and turned around walking out of the building, leaving the two lovers stunned on the couch, walking past the other two who had shown up sometime in the middle of his screaming. He walked out of the building and went back to his house and walked to the roof....
- - - - 

~~~~
Yeah, I walk upon high
And I step to the edge
To see my world below.
And I laugh at myself
While the tears roll down. 
~~~~

Die stood there staring down at the world below. He turned to face the four people who stood tensly watching him.
"Die....what are you doing?" Kyo asked softly.
"Watching the people. They all walk by, oblivious. None of them know about anything that doesn't concern them. Are we all so compleatly alone that we can't pay attention to things outside our little world? That's my world down there, Kyo. My world, and I'm not even part of it." Die said sadly watching a woman walk on down the street.
"Well, why don't we go to you're apartment and we can all talk about this. We're so sorry, we didn't know you hated it all this much... you never told us." Kaoru pleaded softly.
"I shouldn't have had to tell you, Kaoru, we've been friends for so long you should know, and you shouldn't have done what you did. Never. I can't do it anymore." Die smiled soflty and laughed quietly to himself. They could all see the pain on his face and watched as his tears rolled down his cheeks. 
"I'm going back to join my world, Kyo I love you. Kaoru, Kyo, I forgive you. Totchi, Shin-chan? I'm sorry...."
He was still laughing thru his tears as he stepped backwards off the roof......

~~~~
‘Cause it's the world I know,
Well it's the world I know....
~~~~


~owari~


Comments: Okay, that was it, the end is rather rushed because my father wants me off the computer. Stupid... Anyway, hope you all liked it okay. I was depressed hile I wrote this. I've never written a fic where Die is the main person....I havn't done one for Kaoru either...anyway, I'll write a happy one soon. :) Reading ‘The Vampire Lestat' and I'm almost done. -yea!- new episode of ‘Queer As Folk' tonight. Um go visit my Blog at: http://www.deadjournal.com/~manacrystal bye all. 


~Mana Crystal

Witten on 4/7/2002 from 4:30 PM to 5:12 PM

P.S. SEND ME C&C!!!


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