by Niimura Takehiko
Everyone is silent when I get back to the studio. Shinya looks up when I come in, and smiles at me, then goes back to reading whatever it is hes reading, ignoring Kyo who is asleep on his shoulder. Drooling as usual. Shinya gave up trying to move the vocalist a _long_ time ago. I guess hes got used to all the spit stains on his shirts by now. Kaoru is sitting at the desk gnawing on the end of a pencil, like hes missed lunch and its all the pencils fault. Frowning, trying to figure out the next part of the song hes writing... God, hes such a workaholic. Somehow he even manages to ignore Toshiya who is currently sitting next to him, playing with bits of the purple hair, humming to himself.
Only Toshiya gets up when I come in, sashaying over to me, with those long legs. Somehow he even manages to make baggy jeans sexy, and he knows it full well. I look down at the floor as he comes over, I cant meet his eyes. I dont want to hurt him, I really dont. But I think Im going to. Well not me, but it will be my fault because I did nothing to stop it. I want to warn him now, to stay away, dont get too close. But I dont of course. He wouldnt understand anyway, not one like him. And hes not one to give up easily, once hes set on something. Stubborn, thats our Toshiya.
And who in their right minds would listen to me?
Hes doing it again, I can feel it as soon as he comes into the room, searching us all out with his eyes. Its funny how everyone always thinks Im asleep when my eyes are shut. Doesnt mean a thing. Its the best time to watch whats going on without getting all caught up in it, peeking out from under my eyelashes. Toshiya gets up as he shuts the door behind him, walking across the room. Kaorus eyes follow him as he nears him, then drop back to the sheet of paper in front of him. And as for the other one... he looks down at his feet. What is he so afraid of? I can hear Toshiya talking, light words that float in the air like butterflies, colourful and frivolous, short lived before they fade away into nothingness. I hear the words but the meaning is lost on me, shimmering just out of reach before each one is gone. But thats not the important thing, we both watch his lips, pink, moving, and the sounds spilling out.
Then suddenly a crash and we all start. It even breaks me out of my reverie on Shinyas shoulder. We all look towards Kaoru, the source of the sound. The chair is on the floor, halfway across the room, and hes holding half a pencil in his hand, the other half rolling on the floor.
He looks slightly sheepish, twisting whats left of the poor pencil in his hands.
"Uh... I got a little frustrated..." He bends down to pick up the pieces.
"Remind me not to piss you off..." I open my big mouth and say the first thing that comes to mind. Lips moving, more sounds flying around the room. Shinya shoves me off and goes over to pick up the chair.
I look at the magazine that Shinya has left behind blankly. Words marching across the page, they dont have any meaning here either. Theyre all just sounds. You might think, that being a vocalist, writing words all the time, that they would have more meaning to me. But in the end thats all they are: just sounds. Vibrations in the air. And they fade away as quickly and as easily as a snow flake melting in my hand.
I get up, look at everyone, Kaoru and Shinya, Toshiya and Die. What is up with us today? What is up with me?
"Are we going to practice, or what?"
Everyone has gone home, even our great Leader-sama, Kaorukun the workaholic. Only I was left, idly strumming my acoustic guitar, reading the magazine that Shinya had left behind. It wasnt very interesting, I suppose thats why he left it here. I sigh, I didnt really feel like going home, there was nothing waiting for me there. Nothing and no one. In this whole city, this whole country, maybe the whole world. I really hate this feeling of being alone. But in the end no matter how many people you surround yourself with, you are alone. No one else can get inside you, feel exactly what youre feeling, what youre thinking. But then, I suppose thats a good thing. I dont really want a stranger inside my head...
I stand up, stretching, and grab my cigarettes, going outside into the biting wind to smoke myself to death. Shinya would have a fit. But what he doesnt know, wont kill him... itll kill me.... Something stops me, as I step out the door, voices, speaking softly, laughter. Its Kaoru and Toshiya, sitting next to each other, smoking. Toshiya looks happy, and why not? Hes got his dream man finally paying him some attention. Only... only appearances can be deceptive Totchi, thats all I want to say. He smiles at Kaoru, then suddenly theyre kissing, and Im stepping back inside, leaning up against the door. Why am I so surprised? Anyone could have seen that coming a mile away.... I did, I guess, but you know how it is. People are stupid, they keep hoping, dreaming when they no theres absolutely no chance. Only see what we want to.
to be continued
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