by Niimura Takehiko

Part 1


Everyone is silent when I get back to the studio. Shinya looks up when I come in, and smiles at me, then goes back to reading whatever it is he’s reading, ignoring Kyo who is asleep on his shoulder. Drooling as usual. Shinya gave up trying to move the vocalist a _long_ time ago. I guess he’s got used to all the spit stains on his shirts by now. Kaoru is sitting at the desk gnawing on the end of a pencil, like he’s missed lunch and its all the pencils fault. Frowning, trying to figure out the next part of the song he’s writing... God, he’s such a workaholic. Somehow he even manages to ignore Toshiya who is currently sitting next to him, playing with bits of the purple hair, humming to himself.

Only Toshiya gets up when I come in, sashaying over to me, with those long legs. Somehow he even manages to make baggy jeans sexy, and he knows it full well. I look down at the floor as he comes over, I can’t meet his eyes. I don’t want to hurt him, I really don’t. But I think I’m going to. Well not me, but it will be my fault because I did nothing to stop it. I want to warn him now, to stay away, don’t get too close. But I don’t of course. He wouldn’t understand anyway, not one like him. And he’s not one to give up easily, once he’s set on something. Stubborn, that’s our Toshiya.

And who in their right minds would listen to me?


He’s doing it again, I can feel it as soon as he comes into the room, searching us all out with his eyes. Its funny how everyone always thinks I’m asleep when my eyes are shut. Doesn’t mean a thing. It’s the best time to watch what’s going on without getting all caught up in it, peeking out from under my eyelashes. Toshiya gets up as he shuts the door behind him, walking across the room. Kaoru’s eyes follow him as he nears him, then drop back to the sheet of paper in front of him. And as for the other one... he looks down at his feet. What is he so afraid of? I can hear Toshiya talking, light words that float in the air like butterflies, colourful and frivolous, short lived before they fade away into nothingness. I hear the words but the meaning is lost on me, shimmering just out of reach before each one is gone. But that’s not the important thing, we both watch his lips, pink, moving, and the sounds spilling out.

Then suddenly a crash and we all start. It even breaks me out of my reverie on Shinya’s shoulder. We all look towards Kaoru, the source of the sound. The chair is on the floor, halfway across the room, and he’s holding half a pencil in his hand, the other half rolling on the floor.

He looks slightly sheepish, twisting what’s left of the poor pencil in his hands.

"Uh... I got a little frustrated..." He bends down to pick up the pieces.

"Remind me not to piss you off..." I open my big mouth and say the first thing that comes to mind. Lips moving, more sounds flying around the room. Shinya shoves me off and goes over to pick up the chair.

I look at the magazine that Shinya has left behind blankly. Words marching across the page, they don’t have any meaning here either. They’re all just sounds. You might think, that being a vocalist, writing words all the time, that they would have more meaning to me. But in the end that’s all they are: just sounds. Vibrations in the air. And they fade away as quickly and as easily as a snow flake melting in my hand.

I get up, look at everyone, Kaoru and Shinya, Toshiya and Die. What is up with us today? What is up with me?

"Are we going to practice, or what?"


Everyone has gone home, even our great Leader-sama, Kaorukun the workaholic. Only I was left, idly strumming my acoustic guitar, reading the magazine that Shinya had left behind. It wasn’t very interesting, I suppose that’s why he left it here. I sigh, I didn’t really feel like going home, there was nothing waiting for me there. Nothing and no one. In this whole city, this whole country, maybe the whole world. I really hate this feeling of being alone. But in the end no matter how many people you surround yourself with, you are alone. No one else can get inside you, feel exactly what you’re feeling, what you’re thinking. But then, I suppose that’s a good thing. I don’t really want a stranger inside my head...

I stand up, stretching, and grab my cigarettes, going outside into the biting wind to smoke myself to death. Shinya would have a fit. But what he doesn’t know, wont kill him... it’ll kill me.... Something stops me, as I step out the door, voices, speaking softly, laughter. It’s Kaoru and Toshiya, sitting next to each other, smoking. Toshiya looks happy, and why not? He’s got his dream man finally paying him some attention. Only... only appearances can be deceptive Totchi, that’s all I want to say. He smiles at Kaoru, then suddenly they’re kissing, and I’m stepping back inside, leaning up against the door. Why am I so surprised? Anyone could have seen that coming a mile away.... I did, I guess, but you know how it is. People are stupid, they keep hoping, dreaming when they no there’s absolutely no chance. Only see what we want to.


Niimura Takehiko.


to be continued

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