by Niimura Takehiko
Part 3 -
Ishiki ga chigerete
Konagona ni natte
Omoide wo chirashi
But, of course, I didn't stop him the next time. He caught me outside, going to my car, but he stopped me, dragging me back inside for a quickie up against the wall. I can't stop him, I can't resist, and I hate myself for being so weak. I knew he was going to hurt Toshiya, and it would be my fault, but I didn't know he was going to do it like this....
I thought he would hurt him, the way that he hurt me, the way that he hurts me, but I was wrong. Maybe he invents new forms of torture for every person who might possibly love him.
And I didn't stop him the third time, or the fourth, fifth... or any of the times he came to me. Every time I would tell myself, it was the last time, I couldn't keep letting him get away with this. He would come to me, fuck me and leave. He was never kind, never a soft word for me, only telling me to be quiet, stop asking so many damn questions, but his hands and mouth spoke volumes to my body. But I still didn't (still don't) understand why he kept coming to me. I'm not so sure that he gets anything out of it, sometimes I swear I see a look in his eyes like he despises me and that hurts. It hurts much more than the bruises from where he grabs me, much more than an aching ass. That, I can live with. Physical pain is easy to deal with, mental pain is another thing all together. But sometimes I think he's doing this as a punishment, although I'm not quite sure who he's punishing, him or me.
I'm not sure of anything anymore.
And so, we got into this little pattern. After the first time, he didn't come to me for more than a month, and I thought it was only a one off. I have to admit, I did feel regret, a strange feeling that I'd lost him all over again. As if I've *ever* had him. But then, just when I'd stopped waiting, he turned up, and did it again. But since then, it's been more frequent. Of course, not _that_ frequent, sometimes I start to wonder if maybe, just maybe it's all over. But he always turns up, without a word, just when I least expect it.
And somehow I managed to keep going, keep the mask up all the time, and (I think) no one noticed what I was really feeling. I still tease Shinya like hell, and open my big mouth when I shouldn't at practice. But I can't push Kaoru too far....
It's so hard for me to face Toshiya these days. I'm insanely jealous of him for having what I can't and yet I pity him too, because he doesn't have a clue what's going on behind his back. He's going on in blissful ignorance, living the perfect life with the perfect guy, but there are sides to that perfect guy that he's never seen. I wish I'd never seen them.
When I see the way Kaoru is with Toshiya, I think I'm going to snap. He's so sweet, and affectionate, ok he's still sometimes a bit cold and busy, but this is Kaoru we're talking about. But generally he's all the things that people wish for, and all the things he'll never be to me. I feel like going and screaming at Toshiya sometimes, ripping off my shirt and showing him the bruises and the scratch marks, "He's faking! You want to know where your perfect lover was last night? Right here, fucking me!" But of course I never do. I have so little of Kaoru; I don't ever do anything that would make it worse for me. Yes, I'm the perfect lover's perfect little fuck-toy. Just shut up and take it up the ass, that's me.
Die walks so gingerly these days, like he's afraid of something. But most of the time it's hardly noticeable. If I didn't know better, I'd say he's the one who's getting it a lot and not Toshiya. But then I guess Kaoru treats Toshiya like glass. Wouldn't let anything happen to that boy.... and he shouldn't. And Die, he doesn't like guys anyway, well not as far as I know. But I'm watching Die walk towards me, and sit down next to me on the couch. He thinks I'm asleep of course. He's watching Toshiya and Shinya fooling around behind the drums, face blank. Then Kaoru goes and puts his arms around Toshiya, trapping him and the bassist shrieks and laughs trying (not very hard) to get away from his "attacker". Of course he ends up turning around to face Kaoru, and kissing him. God those two... they almost make me sick sometimes.
I nearly miss the look on Die's face, a fleeting glimpse of almost-hatred and he looks like he could cry.... and then it's gone. Interesting... So Die likes one of them? Is _that_ what's up with him?? And I was just thinking he only likes girls....
Not _another_ gay guy in this band? Am I the only straight guy around here?!
But now I have a _really_ interesting puzzle.... which one does Die want??.............
I open the front door and practically fall into my apartment, I'm that tired. Kyo dragged me off to go out clubbing with him and Shinya, claiming that we never did anything anymore. I think he's trying to set me up with Shinya or something. Well he's up to something anyway, I can practically see the cogs turning in his head when he looks at me. It was so good, to get away from the apartment, with the threat/promise of a nighttime visitor hanging over my head. Sometimes, I think I should do a Shinya, move and don't tell anyone where I live, only my keitei no. But he'd probably still find someway to get to me. And something always stops me anyway.
Bed.... For once I might actually be tired enough that I can sleep.
I flop onto the bed, to lazy to turn on the lights and change out of my clubbing clothes.
"Where were you? I've been waiting. Toshiya will be wondering what happened to me."
A voice out of the darkness. I freeze. How the hell did he get in here?
So much for getting to sleep tonight. Even if he leaves me alone, I'll have that question burning in my mind all night.
"How did you get in here?" Trying to keep the note of panic out of my voice, but I'm sure I failed miserably.
"That's not important. Where did you go? How can you make me wait?"
He's sitting on the bed now, I can't see him because I've turned to face the other wall, but I can feel the bed go down when he sits down.
"Nobody made you wait. You could have gone home. *I* never asked you to come here."
He grabs my shoulder, rolls me over to face him, but I won't look at him, I stare up at the ceiling.
He takes my chin in his hand and pulls my face to look at his.
"If you didn't want me, you would have stopped me a long time ago. Slut."
The worst thing is, it's true, and he knows it and I know it. I am a slut. But only for him.
"You didn't answer me.... Where were you, slut?"
"Nowhere.... I just went out with Kyo and Shinya."
I can't believe this, he's acting like a jealous boyfriend?! When he's the one who is cheating on his boyfriend?!?
"What I'm not enough for you now?"
I jerk my face away from his hand, sit up and push him away, "Kaoru, what the fuck is wrong with you? It's Shinya and Kyo, we just went clubbing, for fucks sake! And I don't see why I have to justify myself to you anyway. Why are you acting like this? Why are you doing this to me?"
Well, he doesn't like me questioning him. The next thing I know he's slammed me up against the headboard of the bed, hand on my throat, his face inches from my own, staring straight into my eyes, with the strangest expression. It almost looks like he's in pain.
"Shut up, Die. How many times do I have to tell you?"
And then he kisses me again, nearly gently this time, and I open up to him, kiss him back. Then it's back to the old battle, tongue upon tongue, hands in each other's hair. He rips off my shirt, sending it flying across the room. He unbuckles my belt, tugging at my leather pants. They were tight before he started, but now they are nearly unbearable. He is getting frustrated because they just won't come down, and he's pulling harder. I bite down on my lip, suppressing a whimper that nearly makes it past as the leather rubs on sensitive areas. Then suddenly there's a flash of silver in the room and he's got a knife in his hands. I can't help it; I let out a sort of strangled cry at the sight of that. I mean here I am held down on my bed, with an arguably crazy man holding a f***ing huge knife over me..... over some parts of my body that I would rather remained intact.
Kaoru looks at me, slowly, languidly, lifting the knife to his mouth running his tongue over the flat of the blade as he looks down at me. I can feel my eyes widening as I look back at him. Suddenly he swoops the knife down towards my pants, I can't help it I jerk and scream, expecting pain. But I stop; look at him surprised when there is nothing. I can barely feel the steel of the blade through the leather. He laughs at me then, at the incredulous look on my face, I'm sure I resemble nothing less than a fish gasping out of water. Then he proceeds to slit the leather, cutting it off my body. I protest at that.
"Kaoru, those were fucking new man, what'd you go and do that for?"
He smiles evilly at me, holding the knife against my body.
"Oh...would you rather I cut something else?"
The feel of the cold blade against my heated flesh, knowing that one slight move of his wrist and I would no longer be a man, the look in his eyes as he bends down towards my face, keeping his hand still, not actually pressing the blade into my erection, but close enough that I feel its presence, all these things whirling around in my head.
He moves his hand away, stabs the knife into the mattress, as he leans up for a kiss. The kiss is long, hard; we both come up panting for breath. I can feel his erection against mine, hard silken flesh on silken flesh, trapped there between our bellies.
I don't know, but something's different today. It almost seems like he cares.
In all the time I've known him, in all the time we've been doing this, I don't think it's ever been like this. But there I go again. Thinking. I think I think too much.
Because as soon as I even start thinking like that, it's like he's read my mind. Suddenly the 'normal' Kaoru is back. He grabs my wrists as our lips are locked, I'm too distracted by that, well that, and the way his hips are moving. Friction is a wonderful thing....
He pulls away, licking his lips, I'm still too dazed to do much more than stare up at him. Still not really realising that the old Kaoru is back. He flips me over, keeping my writs up above my head, I can hear the clink of metal, something cold against my wrists and I panic, the first metal thing that comes to mind is the knife. He's going to slit my wrists! So I'm wildly trying to struggle against this man, who is sitting on my back, erection poking into my back as I squirm. My own body is protesting at the rude treatment, uncomfortably pressing up against the mattress, nerves screaming out as he roughly drags me up the bed. More clinking sounds, then he's off my back. I try to sit up, and then I realise what he's done. He's handcuffed me to the end of the bed.
I lift my head up, craning my neck to get a glimpse of him sitting behind me looking back at me. The knife is beside him, stabbed into the mattress. Slowly he crawls up beside me hand running up my back, raising goose bumps as it travels. I try to watch him as he moves, not knowing what to expect, but thankful at least he's left the knife at the foot of the bed for now at least. He grabs my head by the hair and jerks it backwards. I can barely breathe in the position he's got me in, but somehow I manage to choke the words past my lips.
"Kao...ru... yada yo.... yamete..."
He doesn't grace my words with a reply, instead he bends down to kiss me, still holding my hair painfully tight in his hand. He tastes the same as he always does, kind of sweet, mixed with the taste of tobacco and something else unidentifiable. My eyes close but I can still hear his hand moving, fumbling around the bedside table, knocking over things in its search. After a few moments of crashing sounds as things fall, the hand stops. The kiss stops too and Kaoru gone, positioning himself behind me before I can open my eyes. The next thing I know, he's pushing his length into me, and I realise that just because the hand stopped searching, it doesn't mean that he found the lubricant. It's not like he really cares if it hurts me or not.
I grit my teeth, at the pain, I'm sure I can feel things tearing inside, and also at the pain in my arms as he moves within me, pushing me, rubbing my wrists on the cold steel of the handcuffs. Not to mention that my arms are going all pins-and-needley being left in that position above my head for so long. My erection has flagged completely as he pounds into me, and he doesn't seem to care at all, or even notice as the tears trickle past my closed eyelids, leaving salty tracks down my cheeks. This isn't what I wanted! I turn my face into the mattress and bite my lip to keep from whimpering.
I feel him stiffen inside me, hips pulsing as he climaxes. I can hear his voice in my ear, repeating the same word over and over again, like a mantra. Mine. He collapses on top of me, hot sweaty body covering my trembling one, and still inside me. He just lies there for a few minutes, while I try not to cry.
Finally, after what seems an eternity he moves. The handcuffs are taken off, and gently he moves my arms down, turns me over, bringing the blanket up to cover me and tucking me in as though I were a little child, not someone he had just raped. I curled up in a little ball under the blanket but there are no more tears. They've all dried up. He doesn't say anything, but I know he's still there standing by the bed, probably watching me. Then one caress, the whisper of his guitar roughened fingers on my cheek, the press of lips on my temple. I squeeze my eyes shut tighter, willing it not to be true, for him not to be here now and for none of this to have ever happened. I catch the faint whisper of his voice, barely more than an exhalation through barely opened lips, as he straightens up.
"Why are you doing this?"
But it must have been nothing more a whisper, of wind in the moonlight, the rustling of the curtain in the breeze.
Hmmmm..... I cant believe I wrote that.....
I think I read to many WK fics where Aya does horrible things to Yohji.....
And I am having SO much trouble writing part 4 now... L
Ja ne bai bai~~~
to be continued~
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