nika-No Heart
No Heart

by Nika

All of your insightful comments are really appreciated and Minako you're
right as you'll see.
Please feel free to comment...

Part 10

"So, Toshiya, you should get ready for the night, right?", Kyo starts,
after some time passed without a word. The cyborg nods and stands up,
getting his pajamas.
Out of the blue Kyo's questions creeps through the room: "What did Die tell
The cyborg halts his activities and his attention flickers to the small man
on the couch.
"Die-kun said, Shinya-kun thinks that he is invincible, but also that it's
not true." Kyo's eyes grew wide and then he snorts: "Die's right. Shinya
is still so incredibly young. When you're young you tend to think nothing
bad will ever happen to you and you're king of the world."
"I noticed that I offended Shinya-kun and said, I would apologize, but
Die-kun just shrugged it off and told me, Shinya wouldn't care if I did."
Kyo ponders that for a second, before he laughs dryly: "Well, even if
Shinya doesn't care, I'd apologize, ne", the singer hides an almost evil
grin: "He will be shocked out of his pants when you do that." Toshiya's
gaze shows his confusion, but he settles for inquiring further: "Why?"
"Because he's never imagining you to do something like that, you see?"
"Was Die wrong?"
The singer suddenly freezes and shakes his head very slowly: "It's
something else for him and Shinya. Do what you think is appropriate,
Toshiya. No one can tell you how to behave or act when you think it's
wrong." The blond gulp and forces out a smile at the cyborg, feeling a
strong ache in his stomach, like he is getting sick.
The pajamas slip from the slender fingers, when Toshiya suddenly comes
back to Kyo and sits down, his hands folded in his lap: "Die also said,
I'll never pass as a human. What does he mean?"
"He was drunk, probably", Kyo tries to shrug it off, his voice raspy and gruff.
"Okay, he had two beers... But you know, it hurt me." Kyo's mouth runs dry
like a desert after a short rain, his heart starts to bang against his
chest, in his head many fragments of words he could say and thoughts mingle
together into a giant confusion.
"", disbelief was deeply anchored in Kyo's voice. He was not
sure if Shinya`s father had ever intended anything like that when he had
created a cyborg, that was like a human in many ways. Too many ways.
"But he said he was sorry and I felt better. Shinya-kun is feeling the same
as I, isn't he? I'll apologize to Shinya-kun tomorrow, okay?", the man-made
human rises again and smiles at Kyo in an intimate and trusting way, and
the blond can't help but feel that it is real. A real smile, a real emotion...
But it's impossible, isn't it?
The slender figure is gone and Kyo sits on the couch, baffled with a racing
heart-beat, the smile on the artificial lips burning in his memory. The
questions in his head are getting louder and begin to repeat themselves
faster and faster.
What is human? What is Toshiya? What is Kyo?
He's still sitting there, when the bassist returns, clad in pajamas, his
glossy hair caressing his shoulders, the blue strands seem only to enhance
the healthily and wonderful texture. The perfect image of designed beauty
and natural innocence.
"Should I go to sleep now?", the bassist asks, standing still, eyes fixed
on the smaller man on the couch, which he means to transform into a bed.
Kyo snaps into awareness.
"I guess, we both should go to sleep now, Toshiya", he utters, stands up
and looks up into the tall man's face, afraid of he might find, but dying
to know.
The face is attractive, sweet...the lips threatening to curl into another
of those fine smiles, that make the singer so confused.
"Is there anything wrong, Kyo-kun?", the cyborg wants to know in a careful way.
"No...", the singer assures him a little too quickly. "No...I just... I
have to admit you really look somewhat pretty."
"Kaoru often says something like that good for the band?"
"Yes, very good. You are good for the band, Toshiya, don't worry about
that, ne." Kyo puts on a fake but broad smile.
Of course you are good, you were made that way. You were made to please our
wishes, made in the way we wanted you to be... I feel so bad.
Toshiya returns the smile and nods vigorously
"Thank you, Kyo-kun. Fan-service is also good for the band, Kaoru-kun said
so. It drives the fans wild."
Kyo snorts: "Typical for Kaoru to say that, but he is right. But first of
all the music counts, Toshiya. It's more important than kissing someone on
stage... Kaoru thinks so too, but he also believes that we have to be
different from other bands and when people like us, they will also like the
music...or something like that", the short blond shrugs and sighs.
"But we practice music already. Do we practice fan-serviced too?"
Kyo groans in misery, then he sighs: "Sometimes we do, before a live-show,
we talk about when we're going to pull the strings on the audience.. But
mostly we just go with the flow, doing it, when we feel like it. You'll see
when we're on live."
"But Kaoru-kun said, I should practice my technique", Toshiya insists, as
he sees it as a giant fault in his abilities. "He was very disappointed
when I did it wrong, he obviously expected more of me."
"I bet," Kyo growls. "Is there a chance you got to sleep without
fan-service practice?"
"Of course, but Kaoru-kun seemed very pressing about it," Toshiya tilts his
head. "I wonder why..."
"Okay, let him show you tomorrow..." Kyo knows he isn't allowed to
interfere with his leader's plans for the cyborg, so he stands up and
leaves the room with the words: "And now, get some sleep, Toshiya."
The cyborg follows the order, lies down and relaxes all his muscles,
waiting for sleep to find him. And he is eager to know about invincibility,
fan-service and social interaction, so he turns to his side, when the order
to sleep gains control of the independent thoughts and he drifts off.
Kyo lies awake, knowing when he sleeps he will have to face dreams and
horrors, but tired to the bone. And the cyborg is haunting his thoughts,
the way he speaks, his curiosity and dependence on the words of the others.
No own life or thoughts, all results of processes in a created
brain-pattern, but then again...
Rubbing his tired face, he finds no security in the comfort of his own bed.
He is upset, completely confused and distressed.
He sees Kaoru's ambitions, Die's loneliness and Shinya's stubbornness.
His own self-hate.
Now they are all influencing a blank mind, forming a new-born into
something similar to themselves.
Why are we not satisfied with an imperfect bassist, who happens to be human?
Who gave us the right to do that?
Do we really need him so much?
He feels inside his body, where the artificial parts are connected to his
own tissue, it does' t feel strange or unnatural. But he just knows it is.
And Toshiya is just the same.
But still he fails to see him as a machine completely, even though it would
end his inner dispute. And he longs for some peace of mind so much.
He closes his eyes and forces himself to think of something else, anything.
But it doesn't work. So he sits up, turns on a small light beside him and
reaches for his small book, where he keeps his unfinished lyrics, poems,
dark dreams and deepest secrets from the prying glances of the world around
It's only a few months old but looks worn and torn already. He used to
sleep with it, his hands clenched around, his muscles aching when he woke
up in the morning.
He has gotten better gradually in the last months, so he has been told.
According to this, he tells himself now that it must be true.
There is no pain left in his body, so what is his problem? Shouldn't he be
He scribbles all of those thoughts down, before he falls back onto the futon.
Still sleep is avoiding him, and he is just about to get up and go for a
sleeping pill, when he hears the door of his room opening.
"Toshiya?", the voice is annoyed, hostile.
"I saw terrible pictures just now. I can't go back to sleep," the cyborg
The familiar shiver runs over Kyo's back. He dreams, he dreams!!
"What shall I do?", comes the neutral question. "It never happened before."
"Go back to sleep."
"I...", Toshiya begins, his voice hesitant and lost, much to Kyo's personal
distress, "...don't think I can stay in that room all alone. Those pictures
will return."
It is not his fault, that humans made him, Kyo thinks, he didn't say he
wanted to be created.
"Okay, jump in!", he gives in to the sweet faced cyborg, before he lifts
his blanket. Toshiya hesitates further: "Is it really okay?"
"Yeah, now make up your mind or you have to stay cold and alone."
Without making noise, the tall male figure slides under Kyo's covers and
settles down.
"And now, sleep!", the singer orders.
"Understood," the cyborg answers and just a few heartbeats later deep
breaths fill the air. Kyo feels sleepy himself, calmed by the
breathing-pattern of the other man. He turns his back to Toshiya, before
his sleepless eyes close.

to be continued 

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