nika-No Heart
No Heart

by Nika

RATING: NC and I'm meaning sex and not the choice of take-out
PAIRING: Yes, here is a pairing

This is the part I was always afraid of.
I hope I got it right at least a little.
Dedicated to the faithful readers and Pike.
And Puka.. I was fueled by your feedback today, thank you so much.

part 11

Because he slept without horrible, threatening dreams, Kyo wakes up
feeling fresh and relaxed. Only the nagging alarm beside his head makes
him feel annoyed. Almost trashing it, he realizes that beside him the futon
is empty, so he maybe only imagined that the cyborg had been cuddling
beside him?
"Kyo-kun, wake up!", he hears from the direction of the kitchen. Okay, the
cyborg is still present, and annoyingly awake.
"Ugh...", Kyo groans, hoping to enjoy the warmth between the covers for
some pleasant stolen moments. Those are always the best to him, since they
were actually theft from the daily routine. And since the night has been
pleasant, getting up seems such a hard way to start a cheerful day.
But the built-in conscience works better than Kyo's own and the singer is
confronted with a smiling face, enticing enough to lure him off the futon.
Decidedly too perfect to resist.
"Mou, why do you smile so much in the morning?", the singer grunts in aversion.
"I guess I'm just a happy-go-lucky person, ne?", the cyborg assumes with a
tiny laugh, almost as if he doesn't take himself serious. Cyborgs aren't'
supposed to make fun of themselves, Kyo decides and opens his eyes a little
wider than just a tiny crack.
"Yeah, sure you are, Toshiya*chan *", the blond continues his in his bad
mood, but it's just for show, actually he's more scared and a even curious.
"Do you really think 'chan' fits me? I'm much taller than you are,
Kyo-kun", a low growl escapes the singer's throat and the cyborg backs a
"Watch out what you're saying, Toshiya!", he warns in a low dangerous tone.
"That was an insult."
"Oh...I'm sorry. I just wanted to pint out the facts", the cyborg sounds
genuinely miserable, before he brightens up a again, while Kyo crawls from
under the warm covers on all fours.
"What are you doing?" Toshiya wonders.
"What does it look like, huh?"
"It's called getting up, get that? Give me some minutes, okay?"
The singer shuffles into the bathroom and rubs his sleepy eyes with the
back of his hand, getting accustomed to the thought of being awake and in
the company of a happy-go-lucky cyborg.
After he's dressed he enters the kitchen, the usual breakfast waiting for
him. A little smile creeps on his lips; at least Toshiya is a caring roommate.
Having some tea and the usual toast, he finally settles and is challenged
to resist the inquiring glance from the bassist,
"What is it this time?", he gives in to task.
"Nothing, just...I didn't see any pictures for the rest of the night and
slept soundly", Toshiya informed him.
"Me neither. And, by the way, seeing those pictures is called dreaming,
"So? That is what dreaming is? Really?", the bassist looks excited from the
new input. "I've always heard of dreams but never had them before..."
Kyo can't keep his sarcasm at bay: "Yeah right, probably because you are
such a happy-go-lucky boy..."
"Must be it. But those pictures last night were not happy at all. I don't
remember much, but there were two women in white, who were talking: "Is it
"No, not yet. But any minute now."
And the light was very clear and piercingly cold. And when they looked at
me again, their faces had changed... Suddenly they looked like Kaoru-kun
and Shinya-kun." The voice had lost much of it's cheerful quality, when he
ended. "Just strange, isn't it?"
Not as strange as you might think, Kyo's inner voice answered, while them
man himself kept quiet. He wasn't shocked anymore, he just had to deal with
the fact, that this man-made machine was smarter, more investigative and
receptive than they had all assumed when Professor Terachi had explained
how Toshiya was going to be.
"Papa never told me, that dreams could be bad...." Toshiya adds in a
forlorn manner.
Kyo elbows the lingering hard remark, that actually there is no one who has
fathered the bassist, except may be the team of Shinya's dad, aside and
nods thoughtfully.
They didn't really prepare Toshiya for life, as far as he can see it now.
But this special cyborg is the prototype after all, defects are expected.
Maybe the succeeding models will be better prepared, and less beautiful...
"Kyo-kun, we should leave now if we don't want to miss our train", the
cyborg informs him, jerking Kyo out of his absorption.
"Shit, you're right!", he sees after a quick glance at the clock and gulps
down the last of his bread, before he runs to his shoes, strolling behind
him a smiling Toshiya.
"You really should get up earlier, Kyo-kun", he suggests while he dresses,
earning a hot glare from the shorter man, before they leave the apartment
in a hurry.

They make it on time and enter the practice-room quietly, testing the
"Good morning, Toshiya-kun", Die greets him friendly. "Are you still uneasy
about yesterday?"
"No, no. It's alright, Die-kun", the bassist assures and flashes a
brilliant grin at the red-head, making Kyo wonder if he's learned it from
Die himself. Afterwards Toshiya greets Kaoru with another friendly smile,
maybe a little more distant than the ones he offers to Die and Kyo.
Then he runs to Shinya behind the drums and bows deeply: "I'm sorry for
practicing fan-service with you yesterday, Shinya-kun. Please forgive me."
The drummer's face changes from a spaced out, blank expression to a shy and
bewildered smile.
"It's okay, Toshiya. No harm done, I guess", the slim boy whispers.
"Great!", the cyborg shows joy and Shinya's face shifts once again into
serious doubt and calculation, before the bassist joins Kyo's side: "See?",
he whispers to the singer, "It worked."
Kyo nods and hisses back: "Just great, but you better go to your position
or Kaoru's looks will kill us both", sensing the sinister glare from the
Don't mess with my toy, is the transferred message.
And following the direct order, the bassist gets his instrument, before he
halts and turns to the band-leader.
The guitarist is surprised to hear the cyborg calling his name. Cyber-pets
are not supposed to be inquiring their masters.
"What is it?"
The slender man comes up to him, a little shy a little curious...not very
much like a model-kit.
"You wanted to teach me how to do fan-service, right?", the cyborg bows a
little, meeting the dark and unreadable eyes of the leader. Kaoru is
speechless, then he simply nods.
"How about today after practice? Is that okay for you?", the bassist gives
him a tiny but hopeful smile. And his lovely face shines in the light of
beauty and perfection, the two things Kaoru adores beyond reason. He finds
himself returning the smile unintentionally and agrees: "Tonight is okay."
"Good, because I want to help the band, you know. I will become the best
bassist possible for you."
Kyo hears those words and gulps.
He feels reluctant when Toshiya gives such statements, they make him feel
somewhat guilty towards the creation and misery of the cyborg. He cringes
in strange unease, when the bassist finally takes his position.
When they had manages the first row of songs and it is Kaoru's task to
reveal flaws, his keitai suddenly rings. Die and Kyo roll their eyes, since
they are forbidden to even bring their keitais, while the leader talks to
the person on the other side.
"Who was that?", Shinya asks, impersonally.
The lead-guitarist turns around, a satisfied smile on his face: "I got us
booked. We're going to play live!"
First a silence fills every corner and the heads of the band, before Die
and Kyo scream: "Whaaaaaat?!"
"Do you really think that is wise, Kaoru-kun?", the always calm and
invincible drummer speaks, standing steady and tall, as if even the
darkness won't be able to touch him. "We don't even have decided about our
name yet."
"So let's get on with it. We'll have to decide sooner or later anyway",
Kaoru shrugs and grabs a bottle with Qoo. "Maybe some 'en' would be good,
tends towards French... 'en grey', how's that?" But the others are still
gnawing at the first problem.
"We only had three days to practice", Die objects, scratching his head
"Toshiya is as good as he will get, ha was made that way. We need some
live- experience. We have been off the stage for much too long." At these
words psychological pain shoots though the small blond singer. "My
fault...", he whispers, much to himself.
"It's just a nothing much, just a bunch of bands playing. Toshiya needs
some stage experience, too."
Everyone knows that's the final word.
"Kaoru-kun..?", the bassist asks but the leader ignores him, looks around
and snorts: "Now, what about a name, huh?"
"Kaoru-kun?", the cyborg repeats, but still the leader only studies Die,
Kyo and especially Shinya for any ideas. Kyo raises his head: "What is it,
All of them turn around to the bassist, who looks at the leader.
"I think Dir en grey would sound just fine", Toshiya proposes, voice a
little meek, "What do you guys think?"
"I like it"; Die says, and his smiles shines into the dark corner, where
the cyborg stands. Shinya nods: "It's different from the other names and
yet it's visual..."
"I agree with Die and Shinya", Kyo grins, when he notices the disbelieving
expression on Kaoru's face. He tips the on leader's shoulder lightly: "Hey,
leader, we all agree. And according to democracy the majority wins, right?"
Mindlessly Kaoru nods, making Die cheer. "Good one, Toshiya!", the red-head
is grinning away happily.
"So new name, old routine. Of we go", the leader announces, "Kyo-kun, I
like the singing a little less over the top, okay. And where is the rest of
your assigned lyrics.?"
Kaoru's aggression covers the singer in barb-wire, stinging and making him
sarcastic hurt and defensive.
"They're ready. Just start the music, okay?", inside of him drops of
darkness stir the calm, clear waters. They mix, dissolve, leaving no
visible trace. But it gets a tiny bit darker, every time.
The practice is smooth and Kaoru is right, everyone feels that Toshiya
really belongs to their music, as if there never had been someone else
standing in that exact position.
"That's it, guys. Good work", Kaoru calls it a day. All members pack their
things and Toshiya strolls over to Kyo: "I'll be home later, okay?", he
tilts his head. "After I get this fan-service stuff right."
I shouldn't care, I mustn't care, Kyo tells himself, as he gives a shadow
of a grin to his roommate. He's following his program, doing what some
strange guys with more then a screw loose wanted him do.
"Okay...", Kyo takes a gulp, "See you later then."
"Sure. And take care of yourself while I'm not home, okay?"
"Toshiya, do you really want to be a visual bassist?"; Kyo frowns at the
motherly way the cyborg is treating him.
"It's what I've been born for", the blue-head nods enthusiastically.
"Quite true..." the singer mutters to himself, before he takes his stuff
and nods to the others, leaving. His heart calm and yet, he feels a little

"Shinya-kun?", Die shyly comes up to the fragile drummer.
"What is it?", the boyish young man returns in his serious and not too
unfriendly way, only a little too reserved to be intimate. The red-head
scratches his heads and clears his throat: "How about when we go for a
drink together, huh?"
The younger man's eyebrows fly up to his hairline: "What? You and me?"
"I have some questions know..."
"No, I don't."
"About Toshiya, okay?"
"Why? You fell for him?", the drummer is joking dryly, but the guitarist
raises his hand defiantly at once: "No! No way!! He's a machine!"
Die clasps his hand over his mouth again, calling out like that, while the
machine in question is present, even when he's actually around Kaoru,
waiting for him to go home.
"Die, you giant idiot!", the drummer hisses annoyed, "It's still here, you
brain-dead moron."
Before Die manages to spill the beans anymore, Shinya grabs his sleeve and
pulls him out, calling "Okay, let's go! See you tomorrow, you two!"
Then they rush out, Die totally dumfounded, but the younger man determined.
"Let's go then", Kaoru says to the man-machine at his side. Toshiya nods,
neutrally. Every words has seeped into him but they don't make any sense to
He follows Kaoru out and into the man's run-down car.

"Die-kun, how could you say that?", Shinya asks indignant.
Die looks full of remorse already, seated in a small bar, Shinya has picked
for the two of them.
"I'm sorry, it just sorta slipped out."
"Then be more careful next time. I hope Kaoru-kun manages to calm him down.
If not I have to tell Father to remove this sentence from Toshiya memory.
How can you say something like that?"
"Maybe ha hasn't heard?"
Die looks in his beer, asking the little pearls dancing in there for
advice, which won't come to console him.
"What did you want to know about Toshiya anyway? I'm not my father, you
know. I don't know everything about this cyborg", Shinya shrugs.
Die looks into the steady unbreakable eyes of the other man, his mind
running in circles.
Instead of talking, he nurses his beer, while the drummer wonders what this
whole ado is about.

Kyo enters his apartment and kicks off his shoes.
Inside and out.
Making himself some raamen, he falls back into a state of animated
catatonia. Nothing reaches him.
Shaking some sense into himself, he opens the small diary.
Words of the past flood into his brain, the memory of insecurity and
change. Kyo thinks of Kaoru, how much the older man has changed during the
last 15 weeks. He used to laugh more, joke more... Maybe even had a crush
on the beautiful, hard-headed Kisaki.
Die had gotten much more careful and also more inclined to escape into
alcohol after Kisaki had left.
Only Shinya hadn't changed much.
Kyo bites his lips, removes his shirt and gazes at himself in a mirror,
eager to see any scars on his body. Any proof that there had been such an
incident, that he has been through pain and operations. But there are none,
only the smooth, warm skin and the flesh underneath hiding away what has
been implanted there.
He lets his own fingers slide over the silky skin, it is receptive for
touches, even though no one has really touched him after he had been
released from the hospital.
The nerves are working perfectly, for him, probably for Toshiya too.

"Come in, Toshiya-kun", the leader shows the bassist in, who bows a little
and slips into the small apartment. He elegantly takes care to avoid the
many guitar on Kaoru's floor, then he kneels down and smiles at the leader
expectantly: "How should I begin to practice?"
Kaoru pauses and thinks about that question.
"You really want to practice right away?", Kaoru is astounded again, never
had he expected the artificial bassist to act, speak and be alive like
that. That was not really what he had wanted, when Professor Terachi had
explained to them, what kind of cyborg they would be creating.
All he had ever wanted was a good bass-player with a pretty face and a body
to die for to complete his band and wouldn't get addicted to drugs or
anything. Like a music-box, playing bass when demanded, being quiet at all
other times.
He scrutinizes the sweet face, when the bassist says: "Right. I feel like I
should know everything there is to know about being in Dir en grey, before
we perform live."
So determined.
"And I really want to help all of us, right?"
So sweet and helpful.
"Do you want to show me now, Kaoru-kun?"
So innocent.
"Yes, Toshiya-kun. First you have to get up."
The graceful body rises and stretches: "And now?"
"Come closer to me. You'll always have to be close to your partner while
doing this, understand?"
"Yes", and the taller man closes up to him, until he stands body to body,
chest to chest, groin to groin, nearly bumping their noses. "Close
enough?", the bassist asks.
"Good, now wrap your arms around my neck."
The slender arms creep around the small shoulders of the band-leader, who
feels the body-heat of the artificial creature permeating into his skin.
Embraced by a young man, whose face is created to be beautiful, but still
he's only a product. Made for easy use. "Remember the first time I've
taught you how to do it?"
"Of course."
"It's the same principle, just more carefully", he reaches up, cups the
face with the questioning look on it and tilts the cyborg's head to the
side. "Just relax and see how it feels, understood?"
"Yes, Kaoru-kun", curved lips move only a breath away from his. Only a kiss
"Open you lips a little" the leader whispers, he simply can't believe he's
in such a erotic situation with a robot. A toy.
But the other follows his order.
And Kaoru leans into those lips, never been properly kissed before, tastes
the warmth and the weak, fleeting flavor, almost as if the cyborg has no
taste of his own.
Moving his lips slowly against the cyborg's, he senses the incredible power
he has over this being, surging through his body, electrifying.

Elsewhere, after a few beers, Die feels courageous enough to ask his
companion what's going on in his brain.
"Shinya-kun, what about sex?", he presses out.
"Sex? Here? Never!", the drummer rejects the question of his band-mate. Die
grins drugged, before he ponders the answer. "But somewhere else?"
"Shut up, Die-kun."
"Too bad. But actually....", Die sobers up a bit, sits straight and asks:
"Is Toshiya able to... have sex?"
The drummer's face goes blank, only after some time, he utters: "Why... why
do you ask?"
"I told him, he's not human. Humans have sex, you know?", drunken logic and
pure curiosity meet up in Die's eyes. "So, when he's able to fuck he might
as well be human, right?"

Kaoru waits for the echo of his kiss from Toshiya. "Slow and gentle!" he
has reminded the cyborg.
What he gets is a long and tender teasing from Toshiya's lips.
The warm body so close, the soft flesh of the neck. He nuzzles the pliant
skin, mirrored by the machine. With a jolt, Kaoru stops, panting.
"Was that okay, Kaoru-kun?", the cyborg queries, unaffected.
With hazy eyes the band-leader draws back. Mechanical innocence hits him
again, but also technical possibilities. His eyes wander over the body of
the bassist, over his thighs, hips, stomach, chest and stop at the sight of
the neck. Then his eyes travel to his bed, where his notebook lies. And to
the tower of DVDs on his shelf.
"Kaoru-kun?", the cyborg repeats, to no avail. The lips he has kissed just
a moment before open, two words are formed: "Sleep, Toshiya!"

In the bar, Shinya states the facts: "He's got all the attributes of a
human male, so he is physically enabled to have sex."
"What does that mean? Can he get a hard on? Don't you need feelings to get
aroused?", Die goes further.
"Maybe Father knows about that", Shinya feels uncomfortable having to
answer questions concerning a cyborg's anatomy.
"Man, he was hurt by my remark yesterday. Hurt!", Die exclaims.
"That is impossible", Shinya replies calmly, dragging Die up from the seat.
"You just thought he was hurt, because we tend to interpret what we see in
others. He's a robot, do you understand?"
Die's eyes are astoundingly clear when he states: "I really think, that
you're the one who doesn't understand."
Shinya snorts, before he tugs the guitarist along: "We should go now."

Kyo lies on his futon, his head rests on his stretched arm and he blindly
stared on the little cryptic signs he has written down in his book, lying
before him open and vulnerable. He feels the sorrow of a half-lived life as
well as the pleasure of being alive.
He wonders if he will ever cry again.

In Kaoru's apartment illuminates the soft light from the notebook-screen
the shining skin of a naked figure, lying on his stomach the guitarist's
bed. The thin band-leader moves about him, checking the connection between
the man's open neck and the A/V interface on his notebook. Yes, there it
is, the moving pictures, entering the cyborg's brain. Self-satisfied he
nods, before he undresses with swift, urgent motions.
With the same eagerness, he mounts the motionless body, finger travelling
from the open neck, where the metal of the bones glitters, to the slight
hills, just a single stroke. He tilts his head in wonder and admiration for
such a perfect toy.
Then he enters the still body with pressing force, thrusting, shoving the
cyborg, his eyes fixed on the connection between the man, he's in right now
and the computer on the small table beside his bed.
How beautiful.
Rocking softly on the cushion under his cheek lies the lifeless face of the
cyborg. In the half-lidded eyes the brilliant colors from the screen
sparkle, are reflected. The lips half open, no visible breath escaping them.
He might as well be dead.

to be continued 

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