Anger and Pain

by pukachan (Email: )

part 1-Silent Anger

Pairings: KaoruxTotchi, (KaoruxDie)

 //   // indicates thoughts


 Silent Anger 

Kaoru followed Toshiya into the apartment – his gaze boring into the bassists back. Wordlessly both took of their shoes, then the younger man went into their livingroom without once glancing back at Kaoru.

//Fucking great! // Kaoru thought as he stood there and glared at his lovers disappearing form. // Ignore me, look sulky – whatever – but don’t expect me to come after your whiny self to ask what’s wrong all of a sudden. //

Kaoru felt all tense with unreleased anger that had built up slowly during practice and had turned more and more intense while Toshiya and he had driven home.

Kaouru wasn’t aware of any wrong he did, but all of a sudden Toshiya had started to go grow all distant, not talking to him and not answering to any jokes he attempted to make. So finally Kaoru had given up – but he had felt an anger rising at his lovers unjustified silence.

The younger man seemed so very – touchy at times, and that was simply getting on Kaoru’s nerves. And what was worse, instead of simply telling Kaoru what was wrong he just kept silent.

Finally Kaoru followed Toshiya into the livingroom, but the young man wasn’t there. He had moved out to the balcony for a smoke. Kaoru sent him a sideways glance that was more a glare, then proceeded into the kitchen to get himself something to drink. Glass of water in his hand he settled on the couch and turned on the TV, idly flipping through the channels while his thoughts where elsewhere.

He could ignore Totchi as well – two could play at the game. And this time he wouldn’t be the one to give in. Toshiya couldn’t make him feel guilty for nothing – only cause he had one of his moods.


Staring fixedly at the TV and its flickering images, he didn’t notice Toshiya gazing at him from the balcony – a bit of uncertainty showing on his face as he realised how cold and distant his lovers expression had turned.

He stubbed out the cigarette and moved nearly soundlessly back into the room, sitting down on the couch next to Kaoru. But the guitarist was sitting in a way that his back was partly turned to him.

Glancing sideways at Kaoru Toshiya thought // Is HE angry at me now. What did I do? I did nothing wrong – HE DID! // Toshiya averted his gaze. He pulled his long slender legs up onto the couch, wrapping his arms around them, and rested his chin on his knees, staring at the television - screen without seeing it.

Kaoru just ignored him – or tried to at least. He didn’t want to think about Toshiya and what about he was sulking now. Though – perhaps it’ wasn’t Kaoru he was upset with, but something else....


“Are you angry at me?” Toshiya’s soft voice broke the silence -  not able to bear Kaoru’s coldness towards him any longer.

“No.” The reply was short and clipped – not convincing the younger man.

//So cold.... He hates me? It sounds as if he hated me! But I didn’t do anything wrong – he did! //


Kaoru got up and carried his empty glass back into the kitchen, getting himself some more to drink. // He looks unhappy now, maybe I should ask – maybe it’s really nothing to do with me..... But why doesn’t he just tell me then!? //

Kaoru sank down on the couch again, but kept slightly turned away from Toshiya. Without Kaoru himself noticing his expression had turned into a cold and distant mask. Eyes that usually shone with warmth and care now held a freezing, brittle coldness.

Toshiya shrunk more and more back into himself, feeling the coldness radiating from Kaoru almost physically.


So he was very much startled as Kaoru suddenly asked “What is wrong? Is it something to do with me, or...” The voice sounded distanced.

Toshiya swallowed hard. “It’s ... I think I’m just a bit stressed out with practice, photoshoots and stuff... and... “ Toshiya faltered, but Kaoru was waiting for him to go on.

// You’ve got to tell him. You can’t just let it eat yourself up from within. You’ve got to tell. Got to tell. Tell him...//  “.... and Die and you!”

Kaoru felt the anger that was coiling inside him like a snake surge up. // Again! Damn him. This is lying back years now. Die and I got together before Toshiya joined the band – we broke up again as I knew Toshiya for barely a year. Damn, we broke up partly because of Toshiya. I didn’t do it consciously, but Die and I felt we were growing more and more distant as lovers. If anyone would have the right to feel angry at me it would be Die – but we managed to stay good friends, and I’m damn glad of that. But everytime Die and I even do as much as hug Toshiya throws a tantrum.//

Out loud Kaoru said nothing, just stared straight ahead.

Fidgeting slightly Toshiya was gazing searching at Kaoru. // Why doesn’t he say anything. DAMN why doesn’t he speak to me!! If I where Die he would talk to me. They get along so well, they seem to have so much in common...//

Images of Die and Kaoru together – laughing and joking flashed in the younger mans mind – making him hurt inside.

Suddenly Kaoru spoke again, though not looking at Toshiya. “Do I hang out with him so much? Do I do more with him than with you? Do I flirt with him or what? “

To Toshiya’s ears Kaoru’s voice sounded cold and sharp like brittle glass, and he couldn’t help a feel of guilt rising up in him. “ I-ie, you don’t...” He kept the BUT unspoken, cause he felt it would make Kaoru even more angry at him, angry and cold. Even if the older man didn’t admit it to him.... but he couldn’t hide the coldness... so very cold.


Kaoru didn’t answer. He saw no need to talk more, everything was said, they would never understand each other. He felt like something inside him had broken.

 // So he admits I didn’t do anything to deserve his sulking, still he acts like... like a spoilt brat. He’s selfish. If it were for him I probably wouldn’t even be allowed to talk to Die anymore.//

Completely occupied with his own thoughts Kaoru didn’t notice how Toshiya got up and walked into their bathroom, closing the door softly behind himself.


Shaking slightly the bluehaired man leaned against the sink, gazing at his reflection in the mirror. // Kaoru.... why are you so cold to me. Does it mean... does it mean you – don’t love me anymore? Do I only get on your nerves. // Toshiya bent his head, fighting against the pain inside him pouring out and manifesting itself in tears, that, he knew, once there wouldn’t be stopped easily again.

// I’m sorry. I’m sorry. But I can’t help myself. Every time I see you with Die... I remember that you were lovers once... and still you are so close... and I feel left out and unimportant to you. Why did you ever want me, if you had someone like Die already. Someone funny and witty, someone who isn’t jealous and gets on your nerves... What keeps you from falling in love with Die again.... what if you already did... you just haven’t noticed it yet....//

Toshiya felt like a knife was stabbed into his heart – and twisted. He closed his eyes, swallowing hard, swallowing down the tears and the pain..... // Kaoru....//

Slowly he looked up again – and was surprised to find another reflection beside his own in the mirror. A small surge of hope filled him, but as he saw the coldness in Kaoru’s eyes again, the feeling withered away.


Kaoru had slipped silently into the bathroom. He didn’t say or do anything, only silently leant against the wall behind where Toshiya stood.  Coldly he gazed at the younger mans back. // What are you planning now – watching yourself cry and feeling pity for yourself.// Kaoru felt something sharp and cold spreading out from deep within him, urging him – urging him to not just stand there keeping the anger simmering inside him, but letting it leash out freely, leashing out at the cause for all his anger. // I want to hit you! Hit you hard and make you cry for real for once!!!!//

Like screaming in his head he felt it, making his jaw tighten and his whole body grow tense.

Kaoru moved forward..... opened the door and left the bathroom.


Taking a deep breath he let the tension seep out of him. // No matter what – I can’t hit you. //

He opened the door to the bedroom and there sank down on – their – huge bed, staring up at the ceiling.

Slowly he felt the anger that had grown and eaten him from the inside change into a numbing feeling of desperation. // Where is all this leading to... are those the first signs that we may not fit together as well as it had seemed.//

 Kaoru’s mind was spinning  around Toshiya’s words. // “ ....Die and you” //

// No – Toshiya isn’t right. He can’t be. I loved Die once, but we are to much alike. It wasn’t love that tied us together in the first place, and after our relationship was over it just was easy to go back to what we had before that – a deep friendship. With Toshiya it’s different. I love him, I truly love him.... but – how could I get so angry at him if I love him.... //

Uncertainty was spreading inside him. He felt confused.


The door to the bedroom opened. Hesitantly Toshiya sidled in, coming over to the bed and kneeling down on the floor on Kaorus side. Uncertainly he gazed up at the older man.

“ Kaoru.....” he swallowed his voice sounded all hoarse. “ Kaoru, I’m sorry.” Toshiyas heart was beating like madly. What if he would stay angry at him, what if....

The guitarist moved his head towards Toshiya, the reached out with one hand and gently cupped the younger mans face. //No tears... // he wondered absently.

Toshiya closed his eyes, relieve washing through him and he took Kaorus hand, holding it cradled against his cheek. “ I’m sorry Kaoru I started to get jealous again. It was just – you and Die together – you seem to understand each other so well...” Toshiya faltered, unable to express all the feelings that always seemed to rise when he saw the two together.

“ It’s alright, Totchi – really – and – I’m sorry I went so cold on you. But please believe me, there really is nothing between Die and me. We are friends, good friends, but friends only. My feelings for him are completely different from what I feel for you.” Unbidden a thought rose up, but Kaoru wasn’t able to hide from it. // Though at the moment I no longer am sure what exactly I feel for you...//

Trying to quench any thoughts of this sort he leaned over to Toshiya, taking a hold on his arms and pulling him up onto the bed.

Eagerly Toshiya scrambled up and let Kaoru pull him on top of him, into his arms. Smiling slightly the young man rested in his lovers warm embrace, feeling reassured by the simple touch that seemed to ban all the coldness he had shown before. // I’m so foolish. How could I ever doubt my Kaoru. Of course he loves me.//


Kaoru rested his cheek against Totchi’s head, taking in his lovers sweet smell. He felt the slim body on top of him, how his warmth seeped through their clothes and into him. But however long they would lie like this, the warmth couldn’t reach the part inside of him, where the uncertainty about his feelings for Toshiya had taken a cold hold.



Well, it was planned to end here – but things never go as planned



back to deg fics pg 3