Anger and Pain

by pukachan (Email: )

Pairings: ToshiyaxKaoru, DiexKaoru, ToshiyaxKyo/KyoxToshiya (sort of)

Rating:  has one lemon  (which took me 6 hours to write -.-;;;)

Dedicated to Llaurie and Lady 7

//......// indicates thoughts


Part 2-Painful Confusion


With a sigh Kaoru looked up from his guitar. His bandmates seemed to need a break – and he did too. What was more, he needed to talk to Die – alone.

He glanced at Totchi who stretched languorously. As he noticed Kaoru looking, he smiled. The older man smiled back, but inside he felt strangely hollow.

“We take a break.”

Kyo looked up.“ So soon?” He grinned at Kaoru’s confused look. “ Oh I wont complain!”

Toshiya put down his bass and came over to Kaoru who was still fiddling with his guitar. Wrapping his arms around the smaller man he placed a chaste kiss on his lips. “ Come along for a smoke?”

“ No, I need to talk to Die.” Kaoru observed Totchi’s reaction closely.

Toshiya seemed to go completely still for a moment // You wont get jealous. No you wont. You can trust Kaoru, he loves you. Die and him are only friends....//

“ All right. “ He smiled – much to Kaoru’s relieve - and turned to Kyo who was just rummaging through his bag fishing out his cigarettes and lighter.

“Hey Kyo, you come along?”

“ Sure,” with a feral grin he walked over to Kaoru and Toshiya, putting an arm around Toshiya’s waist. “ if Kaoru trusts me alone with you.”

Laughing Toshiya squirmed out of Kyo’s hold. “ He might not trust you, but he knows I’m completely faithful to him.”

Kaoru couldn’t help himself wishing they would leave....

“Ha! We’ll see! “ Kyo leered at Totchi in a teasing manner and chased after the younger man as he fled out of the room.

Die came over to Kaoru, grinning. “ You sure you can trust Kyo and what you want to talk to me about is more important than the protection of your lover?” But his grin faded as he saw Kaoru’s grave expression.

“ Hai. This is important Die.” He threw a glance at Shinya who had sat down on the couch, drinking some water and flipping through a magazine. The drummer was far enough away that he couldn’t follow their talk if they kept their voices down.

Die followed Kaoru’s gaze and then simply pulled the purple haired man further away from where Shinya sat, into the other corner of the room.


Shinya looked up, watching Die and Kaoru move away from him, softly talking to each other. The young man’s face didn’t betray anything of what he was thinking, he only looked back at his magazine. ...staring at the same page longer than it would have taken him to read it.


“So what is it Kaoru?” Die spoke softly and there was a glint of worry in his eyes.

The older man sank back against the wall, taking a deep breath,  a painful expression in his eyes. “It’s Toshiya... I think, I don’t love him anymore.” There, he had said it – but it didn’t make him feel better... it was rather – worse... he felt mean.

“ What!” Die hissed – shocked. “ You are kidding?” But looking into Kaoru’s eyes he knew the other man wasn’t joking. “ No, but – that can’t be. You and Totchi....” he searched for words...” hell, you just fit! What happened? What makes you think you don’t love him anymore?”

Kaoru shrugged helplessly. “ I don’t know. I can’t explain it either. I’m not even sure about what I feel...but... but it must be that I don't love him anymore. How else could I have gotten so angry at him yesterday...”

Not understanding what Kaoru was talking about Die shook his head. “I can’t follow you. I think we need  to have a long talk about this.” He put his hand reassuringly on Kaoru’s shoulder, squeezing it slightly. “ We’ll sort that out somehow, ne. Why don’t we meet this evening, go out for a drink?”

Kaoru nodded, feeling how much he needed to talk with a friend who would understand and help him work out what that doubt festering inside him meant – but then he sighed.

“But Toshiya – he’ll get jealous if I go out with you alone.”

“Nani? Why?”

“It’s part of the quarrel we had yesterday.” Kaoru spoke vaguely.

Die shook his head. “Alright – you and Toshiya quarrelling – he getting jealous – you thinking you don’t love Toshiya anymore – we really need to talk! This evening.”

“But...” Die’s determined gaze shut him up.

“I’ve thought of something.” He grinned “ I’ll tell Kyo about this little problem -  not the details, just that we need to talk and that Toshiya might get jealous if the two of us went out alone – and ask him if he would ask Toshiya to go out with him. If Totchi wants you to come along you say you are tired and want to stay at home. As soon as Toshiya is out I’ll come over.”

Looking doubtful Kaoru protested. “ But what if Toshiya doesn’t want to go?”

“Leave that to Kyo. You know how persistent he can be.”

“But – I’m not sure...” he laughed, feeling foolish and shaking his head. “ I feel like cheating on Toshiya.”

Die joined in on the laughter. “Baka. We’re friends. Meeting is not cheating and if Totchi wouldn’t get jealous  as you said we wouldn’t have to do it secretly in the first place.”


Shinya watched as his two oldest bandmates laughed together and then went out of the practiceroom, leaving him behind.


Outside Toshiya leaned against the wall smoking, bracing one leg on the railing while Kyo hung over it beside him, head hanging down.

Die grabbed Kyo from behind, lifting him away from the railing. “Don’t jump just cause you can’t get Toshiya, Kyo! You’ll always have me.”

Kyo gave a shocked gasp and instinctively grabbed the iron pole underneath him.  “Baka Die! If anyone will make me jump it’s you.”

“Awww, so it’s true. You love me! Kyo, let me be your little scorpion.” Die hugged Kyo closer.

Kyo laughed. “Sure you can be, if you let me be top  – every night!”

Die sighed and let go of Kyo. “Well Kyo, I suppose that wont work out after all. But let’s try to talk this out. Maybe we’ll find a nice schedule that fits us both. But not here – let’s leave the two lovebirds alone for a while.” Die winked at Kaoru, then took hold of Kyo’s arm, pulling the smaller man back into the building.

“Hey....” Kyo wanted to protest, but it seemed there was something going on between Die and Kaoru – so he choose to come along and quiz Die about it.


Kaoru stepped to the railing, feeling glad Die was helping. He smiled. Just what would he do without his best friend.

Suddenly he felt Toshiya taking his hand.

The younger man had stepped away from the wall and came up to stand slightly behind him. Kaoru looked up. “Everything alright?”

Toshiya nodded, smiling.// See, I can do that. I don’t mind you talking to Die...// Unbidden Toshiya felt a pang of jealousy rise in him again..... thinking of the way Die had winked at Kaoru. They were so easy going with each other....// Nonono!!! I wont let myself think that way. No I wont. Kaoru told me he loved me – I believe him!// Toshiya smiled brighter and leaned closer, draping himself over Kaoru's back.

Kaoru closed his eyes, feeling the warm body behind him, trying to concentrate on the feeling. // Is there really no response inside me. I don’t want to hurt Toshiya – but that’s not enough. // Kaoru tried to relax, waiting for the special feeling that the closeness and warmth of Toshiya should trigger inside him........... //Nothing.....//

Kaoru felt guilty, but nothing more..... Suddenly he straightened up and turned around to face his lover. Toshiya wanted to move back, to make room for Kaoru, but he was held back.

Wrapping his arms around Toshiya, Kaoru moved closer, pressing his body against the taller man’s. He buried one hand in Toshiya’s hair, pulling his head down for an open-mouthed kiss.

Gasping surprised the young bassist parted his lips willingly and soon moulded his body against Kaoru’s, responding to his lovers  passion.

Closing his eyes Kaoru let his tongue roam the wet hot cave of Totchi’s mouth.


The others waited already as a slightly ruffled but smiling Toshiya and Kaoru returned to the practiceroom.

Kyo took hold of Toshiya’s hand, pulling him closer. “Hey Totchi, wanna go out drinking with me tonight?”

“Sure. Kaoru..?” questing he looked at his lover, who shook his head.

“I don’t feel like going out tonight....I rather stay at home. Have to work on some songs anyway.” Kaoru felt it was completely obvious that he was lying – hiding something. He already saw their plan failing, but Totchi seemed oblivious.

“Well...if you want I can rather stay home too.”

Kaoru shook his head. ”No, it’s alright. Go out and enjoy yourself. I don’t want you to get bored just cause I can’t stop working at home....”

Toshiya wrapped his arms around Kaoru. “ I’ll never get bored with you.”

Kyo pouted. “Oh come on Totchi. We know that, so you can go out with me. Kaoru got you as boyfriend, at least go out with me once in a while. See, even Kaoru trusts me not to ravish you.” The small man grinned wolfishly, making Kaoru laugh.  Toshiya turned round to see what Kyo was doing. Letting go of Kaoru he posed, hands on hips, while looking sexily innocent.

“Oh, I’m sure you would never ever think of doing anything naughty with me.” // Kaoru trusts me – he trusts me not to cheat on him and doesn’t mind if I go out without him. Why can’t I be more like that?! He only talks with Die...he talks with others too, nothing to be jealous of. // But it was much easier to think those words than to believe them.

Die laughed. “ Kaoru, you sure you can leave those two alone with each other?”

Kyo suddenly walked over to where Shinya was sitting on the couch, sipping on his water, gazing at him with a hungry grin.

Suspiciously the young drummer looked up, but didn’t say a word.

“Shinya....why don’t you come along with Toshiya and me? So Kaoru can work in peace, knowing his Totchi is safe cause you will stop me from pouncing onto him.” Kyo sat down beside Shinya and leant closer. In a stagewhisper he declared. “Though in reality I don’t want to miss the opportunity to go out with my two most beautiful bandmates - all alone. I’m gonna feel like James Bond with you two....My name is Kyo....Dir en Grey no Kyo.”

Shinya glared at Kyo, felling teased. And much to his chagrin Die joined in on the teasing.

“Aww, come on Shin-chan. Don’t look like that, it doesn’t suit you. You can’t deny Kyo these little pleasures he gets out of life – beside sleeping.”

“Why don’t YOU go out with him then.” Shinya remarked coldly.

Die heaved a big theatralic sigh “He didn’t ask me, so mean, ne. He only wants to be surrounded by beauty.”

Neither Kyo, who was busy sticking out his tongue at Die, nor Die who responded by making a tragic face,  noticed the strange look Shinya gave Die.


Toshiya came over and sat down beside Kyo. “Oh please Shinya, come along. I’m sure we’ll have lots of fun. And Die can come too if he likes...”

Kyo quickly put his arms round Shinya and Toshiya at his sides. “ Nonono! Die can’t come along. You are mine for tonight.” He gave a cackling mad laugh that made Toshiya chuckle.

“Shinya please, you can’t leave me alone with this maniac, ne!” Pleading, but with a smile on his lips the bassist looked over at the young man who sat slightly tense with Kyo’s arm round his shoulders.

Shinya sighed. “Alright, I come along.”

Having observed the whole exchange silently Kaoru cleared his throat. “Ok now, since all this is settled, we might get back to practice again. The new song still doesn’t go smoothly.”



Kaoru sat on the couch in the apartment he and Toshiya shared. The TV was on and on his lap and the low table in front of him lay scattered sheets of music he was apparently looking through – but his mind was on neither the TV nor the music.

Since practice was over Kaoru had been feeling nervous. He couldn’t wait to get home, for Toshiya to get ready for going out with Kyo and Shinya, for him leaving, for....// What do I hope for. For Die to help me. But how should he help me.... he’ll listen, he’ll help me sort through my messed up I hope he’ll tell me to leave Toshiya? Why can’t I come to a decision on my own – the responsible leader  of Dir en Grey that I am. Do I need someone to tell me what to do? // His thoughts drifted back to earlier that day, the break, him and Toshiya out on the balcony, kissing. He had tried to make the kiss as intense as possible, trying to pour all his passion into it, but – something held him back. He had felt uncertain than. Was it that he no longer had those feelings for Toshiya, or couldn’t he show them anymore...but why all of a sudden. He had been so angry at his lover, but now....all he knew for certain was that he was uncomfortable with Toshiya around. He

wanted him to go away and just come back when he himself knew again what he wanted, what he felt ...



Toshiya smiled down at his lover who looked so completely lost in his work that he didn’t even hear him call out his name – thrice.

Finally Kaoru realised someone was standing beside him and looked up puzzled at the younger man who was looking down at him, smiling sweetly. “Uh...did you say something?”

Toshiya chuckled “I wanted to ask you if you can concentrate with the TV on, but the question answered itself when you didn’t even hear me.” He bent down and put a light but sweet kiss on Kaoru’s lips. “You look so cute when you are brooding over something.”

Kaoru smiled, though he feared Toshiya would notice that it was completely faked. He  didn’t feel the least bit like smiling.

“Well?” Toshiya stepped back a bit from his lover and posed for him.

“Well what?” It took Kaoru a moment to realise what Totchi expected from him. “Oh....sorry...My mind was still partly on the music....”

His gaze swept over Toshiya’s lean form and noted surprised that the ever sexy bassist had dressed....moderately.

“ haven’t changed yet for going out?”

“I have!” The younger man sat down beside Kaoru, resting his head on the purplehead’s shoulder he wrapped his slender arms around him.

“” He gave Toshiya a once over again, taking in the sight of Toshiya in darkblue tight but otherwise completely unspectacular leather pants and white shirt – decently buttoned up shirt!!!

Toshiya was apparently pleased with Kaoru’s surprised statement and placed a loving  kiss on Kaoru’s cheek.

“I’m only going out with Kyo and Shinya, I don’t need to look sexy. Sexy is only for you.” Whispering softly at Kaoru’s ear what sent  a shiver down the other man’s spine.

“Perhaps I can show you how sexy I am this evening, when I come back.....”

“What if I’m already asleep?”

Not noticing Kaoru’s unease Toshiya chuckled, and let his wicked tongue trace over his lovers ear, making Kaoru shiver some more. “Then I’ll wake you...”

“I....” Kaoru tried hard to surpress the urge to push Toshiya away from him. //Stop...please stop this. Stop being all sexy, I don’t want it, I don’t want you. Why are you making this more complicated for me by acting so seductive. It’s all your fault, why am I feeling guilty anyway. // He felt helpless, not wanting Toshiya so close but not knowing how to get him to back off without hurting him....Helpless and frustrated – anger rose in him, though Kaoru kept his outward calmness.

Unaware of Kaoru’s feelings Toshiya’s hand had snaked down seductively caressing his lovers chest.

“You what?” He chuckled wicked. “You wont be able to resist me.”

As much as the young man was looking forward to go out with his friends tonight, he felt the great urge to jump Kaoru right here and there on the couch – right now.

He wanted to leave traces of saliva all over Kaoru’s naked body, cover him in bitemarks and suckle at the tender skin, leaving red marks of..... // of ownership. I’m still jealous. I want to make sure Kaoru is claiming him in a way Die can’t. Arg!!! Toshiya-baka. Don’t think in such a way. Don’t be so stupid...don’t be so jealous. You’ll make Kaoru angry again.  I don’t want Kaoru angry.....//

All the need that had grown at his wicked thoughts got dampened down by the thought of angry Kaoru, the quarrel they had. The young man just leaned his head against Kaoru’s shoulder, worrying that his lover might  detect the truth behind his passion. //Don’t be angry at me Kaoru...//


The older man sighed, glad that Toshiya had stopped his seduction, cause he felt not much longer able to surpress his annoyance and anger.

//Kyo, how long do you want to keep me waiting. Gods, I hope he didn’t fall asleep or something.//

But slowly Kaoru managed to relax more as Toshiya only kept leaning on him, and his gaze wandered down at the music sheets on his lap again. //I’ve been staring at that for almost half an hour – I at least should try to really get some work done before Die comes over.// He picked up some sheets from the table, looking for something he had written  some time ago but not made good use of.


Slowly a feeling of comfort managed to spread through him, with the warmth of another body beside him and contenting work in front of him.




The doorbell rang. Kaoru looked up slightly startled as Toshiya bolted up all of a sudden, dashing for the bathroom.


“Still got to put some makeup on. You get the door!”

“But didn’t you say...” Kaoru’s voice was tinged with amusement.

“Aw, come on. I can’t let my image as sexiest of Dir en Grey go completely to ruin.”

“Vain peacock!”

Toshiya chuckled as he disappeared into the bathroom, but still Kaoru heard him say “I like to be a peacock.”


Kaoru went to the door and opened it. Kyo stood outside. “Hi!”

“Hi! Toshiya ready yet?”


“ Good cause Shinya is waiting down in the car.”

It really didn’t take Toshiya long to reappear from the bath, having applied only some mascara and peacockblue eyeshadow.

Kyo gave him an all over look and grinned. “Ne Totchi, don’t  think that just cause you wear none of your sexy outfits I wont be after you.”

Toshiya preened “So, I don’t need any fancy outfits to look sexy!”

“Yes, and no clothes at all would be best!”


Instinctively Kaoru wrapped an arm around Toshiya, even as he did so, wondering why.

Toshiya leaned close for a kiss and Kaoru – still lost in thoughts – answered it.

“Bye! Don’t work to much!” Toshiya teased.

Kaoru nodded. “Bye, enjoy the evening.”

Toshiya grabbed his jacket, waved at his lover and threw him a last kiss.


Kaoru closed the door behind Kyo and Toshiya...he felt all tense and agitated. But he forced himself to take a deep breath and slowly walks back to his livingroom to give Die a call. His hands shook slightly as he reached out for the phone....Kaoru jumped slightly as the phone rang suddenly.

“Baka Kaoru.” His voice shook slightly, and he took another calming breath before he picked up the phone. “Moshi Moshi.”

“Kaoru, it’s me. I’m coming up now.”

“Die?! do you know...”

There was a low chuckle on the other end of the line. “Kyo called me as he went to fetch Shinya....and as I came here I just waited till Kyo and Totchi came down and drove of. I’m up in a moment.”

Die hung up and soon after the doorbell rung again.

Kaoru who was standing at the door, waiting impatiently opened it immediately.

Die laughed startled. “That was quick.” He stepped inside, taking of his shoes. He squeaked in a fake exited voice. “Parents are out, so we can stay up late and watch porns and horror movies!”

“Baka Die” Grinning Kaoru gave the taller man a friendly slap on the back of his head.

“Itai!” Laughing the redhead proceeded into the livingroom.

“I’m not really in the mood for jokes.” He followed Die.

“But you are grinning!”

“That’s just YOUR stupid jokes. Want some beer.” Kaoru headed for the kitchen.

“Yep. But they can’t be that stupid if they make you grin!”

The redhead made himself comfortable on the couch and picked up some of the musicsheets scattered there, looking through them.

“Hey, I haven’t sent that’ve been working on it now?”

Kaoru came back from the kitchen, flopping down on the couch and handing Die the beer while sipping on his own can.”

“Which...ah, that. No. That’s actually old. I’ve just dug it out recently and wanted to work it over. What do you think?”

“Pretty good. We should try that out sometime. But you didn’t want to talk about music, but your relationship with Toshiya.”

Kaoru rolled his eyes. “You are blunt Die.”

“So...I will take it as a compliment, ne. Now talk.”

Kaoru leant back with a sigh, staring at the beer in his hands for some time, before he slowly started talking about the – silent – quarrel he had with Toshiya.

But again and again he was stopping. Unconsciously his gaze would wander through the room, stopping at the closed door to the bedroom or at the bathroom door that was slightly ajar.

Finally Die put down his beer with a sigh and got up.

“Ok. That’s it. We’re leaving.” Taking Kaoru’s arm he pulled the older man up.

“What.... why...where?” Confused he stumbles to his feet.

“We are going out. It’s obvious you can’t tell me a thing while you are here in your and Toshiya’s apartment. And  I think you could do with something stronger to drink – and me too.”

“But I can’t. What if Toshiya comes back and I’m not here?!”

“Then you simply tell him that you worked so long and couldn’t concentrate any more so you went for a walk to get some fresh air.”

“Oh... ok. You know I think you’re right. I do need a drink.”




Hours later


On a table in a smokefilled bar sat two men, one purple and one red-haired. Both apparently drunk, not the first glass of alcohol in their hands.

The purple-haired took a long draught from his whisky.

“An he’s so bitchy – hate that that....” He seemed to think hard for some moments “ that he cries the whole time an I just know it’s fake......everything is fake with Totchi.... even his breasts!!”

Die, who had tried to count on his fingers all the things Kaoru had come up with that he hated bout his lover (what in itself was not an easy task considering the amount of alcohol they both drunk – plus Kaoru having a habit of repeating himself [hey, he just can’t find that many faults with Totchi, ne ^^;; ]) stared confused at Kaoru.


“yeah. You’ve seen em” the older man said impatiently.

“I have....?” Slowly it dawned on Die, remembering a certain photoshoot . “Oh, yeah, right. The photoshoot. Was funny. Totchi really looked like a gal.”

Kaoru looked glumly. “Yeah, but I like my Totchi the way he is. Needs no damn breasts. I like him as a guy!”

Die took a deep draught from his glass, then looked disbelieving at his friend.

“Didn’t you just say you hated Toshiya cause....cause...” Staring at his fingers Die tried to remember all the points Kaoru had mentioned. “Cause of his fake tears, cause of his fake breasts...” the drunk guitarist couldn’t help himself and started to giggle – the giggles quickly turning into uncontrolled laughter letting the redhead half sink under the table.

Kaoru frowned. “What’s so funny? You should help me, not laugh at me!” Dir en Grey’s cool and scary leader was drunk enough to pout.

“ Nah.... hate your boyfriends fake breasts” Die laughed harder, but Kaoru obviously didn’t see what was so funny about that and only pouted more.

Finally Die managed to stop laughing and climbed  up from under the table again. His gaze came to rest on Kaoru’s cute expression and an almost wistful look crossed his face.

“I used to get to see that pouty expression of yours more often.” Die’s voice had gentled and he strangely he sounded surprisingly sober – considering the amount of alcohol he drank.


“You know...when we were together and went out and I was teasing ended up looking like that...”

“I did?”

Die nodded and suddenly shifted his gaze to the table, moving his head so his red bangs would hide his expression. “I miss that.”

“What?” Kaoru sounded a bit startled, not certain he understood what Die was implying...if he was implying something in the first place and wasn’t just babbling drunkenly . // He doesn’t mean... what does he want to tell me?//

Still not looking up Die took a deep breath that sounded somewhat shaky. “I miss....what we had. Even if it wasn’t the worlddefying unshakeable kind of love, but... I miss being loved.” ( ^^;;;)

Kaoru felt his heart beating like madly, his pulse creating a deafening rushing sound in his ears.

Mouth suddenly gone dry he swallowed.

“” //Damn...what does he mean....does he....want me...//

Confusion over Die’s words piled up in his head, adding to the puzzle of feelings Toshiya created in him recently.

“I just miss being loved back...” the redhead repeated again. “I hated being in love without hope of being loved back...” Die shook his head and suddenly looked up again, a lopsided grin spreading on his face.

“But we came here so you could talk about Toshiya.” But his eyes still showed some of the miserable feelings he was hiding so well under a mask of jokes and teasing manner.

Unresponsive Kaoru stared at Die, at his brown eyes, at the face he used to know so well – suddenly Kaoru wasn’t feeling drunk enough. //Is he talking about – me...or Toshiya...AM I the cause for his feelings?!//

Die suddenly waved a hand in front of Kaoru, making the older man startle.

“Kao-chan, you still here with me?!”

“Uh, yeah....” Kaoru emptied his glass to mask his confusion and uncertainty of what to say. // Damn...what  should I say to him....//

“ So hate some things bout Toshiya...”


“Ever talked to him bout those.?”

“Damn no – told you he’s bitchy! He’ll just cry his fake tears and...”

Die waved his hands in a calming manner. “all right, all right.” He sighed and glanced at his watch thinking bout any other advise he could give his friend.


Kaoru watched the redhead frown. “Die? Something wrong?”

“S’late. We’ll better get you home before Totchi...”

The older man cringed but agreed.

Both paid and then – leaning slightly against each other – staggered out of the bar into the nice cool evening.

They decided to walk home to give Kaoru the chance to sober up and his clothes to at least loose some of the smell of alcohol and cigarettes (yeah, not bloody likely)

The walk was relatively quiet. Both men had their arms wrapped around each other companionably, leaning against the other warm body for support.

And Kaoru couldn’t help thinking about Die’s strange words, and the pained look in his eyes. Again and again he threw the other man questing glances, and couldn’t surpress a slight shiver as Die’s hand accidentally brushed under his jacket and took a hold of his side.

Kaoru felt the redheads hand just all to well through the fabric of his shirt.....warm and strong, holding him.....


They reached Kaoru’s apartmentbuilding – and without thinking bout the possibility of Toshiya already being back, Die got in the elevator with Kaoru, staggering alongside him up to the door to his apartment.

Carelessly Kaoru invited Die in, both men starting to chuckle softly as they almost fell over each other while trying to pull of their shoes – still clinging to each other.

Suddenly they lost their precarious balance and both men fell to the ground.

Die’s chuckles turned into unsurpressed laughter as he tried to push himself up on his arms to take his weight of Kaoru who had cushioned his fall.

“Baka Die! Get off me, you’re heavy.” Kaoru tried to shove the redheads body off of him.

Grinning wickedly Die suddenly started to tickle Kaoru.

“No! Die! Stop! Stop!” Kaoru’s words quickly turned into uncontrolled chuckling and the smaller man tried desperately to wriggle out from under Die. But the redhead only pushed his body harder down on him to stop him from escaping while trying to shove Kaoru’s shirt up to let his fingers run lightly over the purplehaired's soft sensitive skin, making him squirm more and his laughter interrupted by gasps for breath.


The redhead laughed. “It’s so sweet to hear you call out my name so desperately.”


“make me!”

Afterwards Die wasn’t even certain how he had meant that, if he had wanted to imply anything.....urge Kaoru to do what he did then....

Kaoru wrapped his arms round Die’s neck, pulling his head down to his....their lips met.

Despite the years between the end of their relationship and today, the touch felt only all to familiar, making sparks of pleasure run through their bodies.

At that moment Kaoru didn’t think...not of Toshiya or his troubles with his young that moment  only the familiar weight on top of him counted.

Their lips parted, Die’s tongue boldly dived into Kaoru’s  mouth, roaming the hot wetness of the other man’s mouth. Their tongues pushed against each other, duelling for the upper hand.

Die’s hands had stopped their tickling and instead he started to caress over Kaoru’s exposed skin, up to his chest, fingertips brushing stirringly over the other man’s nipples. Kaoru gasped, melting under the touches...his tongue giving  up any resistance and leaving Die to ravish his mouth.

The younger man  finally managed to push Kaoru’s shirt completely up and let his hands caress down over his belly to Kaoru’s trousers, starting to unbutton them.

Kaoru’s mind cleared enough to realise they still where sprawled out on the floor in front of the entrance. AS Die’s lips moved from his mouth to nuzzle along his jaw down to his neck Kaoru managed to gasp. “Wait. Not here...the bedroom.”

The redhead looked up. His dark  eyes seemed  to sparkle and his breathing  was ragged, showing his arousal. For a moment Kaoru thought  the other man hadn’t understood, but then Die nodded.


Kaoru led Die through the dark apartment to the bedroom. He had barely enough time to turn on a dim light   before Die pushed him forward onto the huge empty bed – Kaoru’s and Toshiya’s bed.

The redhead crawled onto it, straddling Kaoru and smiling sexily at the other guitarist. Slowly he bent down, bracing his hands on Kaoru’s shoulders, trapping the other man beneath him, like the purple-haired's beautiful brown eyes had captured his gaze.

Kaoru felt his heart beating like madly as he was trapped underneath Die with the redhead’s face coming closer to his every moment. The younger mans smile raised goosebumps all over his body. He gave a breathless chuckle that turned into a moan  as Die’s tongue lapped over his lips, then traced over his cheek to his ear. Hot breath spilled against it before the wet tongue traced over his ear, making him shiver. “Die.....” He managed to gasp.

“Mhmmmm...” The warm voice  brushed against Kaoru’s  sensitised skin, before Die suckled at the purple-haired’s earlobe, causing the other man to writhe underneath him.

“Kiss me!!!” It was a demand, not a request, that Kaoru reinforced by burying his hands in Die’s hair and pulling the other man back from his ear – Die’s eyes got caught by Kaoru’s again before the purple-haired pulled him down to devour his lips, suckling and licking at them, leaving them bruised and swollen. Then his tongue pushed into Die’s mouth for a plundering kiss. Their tongues met, sliding and pushing against each other like in a duel.

Kaoru didn’t notice that Die’s hands had left his shoulders, shoving up his shirt, till the redheads fingers caressed over his nipples, causing a shiver to run through Kaoru’s body. Finally they broke the kiss.

Thrilled Kaoru observed Die’s feral smile as he roughly pulled on Kaoru’s shirt, making buttons tear.

 His loud moans filled the bedroom as Die’s mouth covered his chest with kisses, suckling at his already erect nipples, licking his way over every inch of exposed skin, leaving Kaoru covered in saliva. Everything felt wet and hot, his mind seemed to be spinning. The heady mixture of alcohol and arousing touches clouded his senses, left him shivering and craving for more.


As Die’s tongue delved into the other mans navel, Kaoru clenched his hands he still had buried in the mass of red hair, before letting go and trying to open the buttons of his trousers with shaky fingers, the tight and restricting material pressing painfully against his erection. A husky chuckling vibrating against his belly made him shiver and his hands loos all strength.

“Want me to help you, mighty leader?” Die’s voice teased...

Kaoru smiled breathlessly “ Yes, open my trousers and I show you how mighty I am!”

Die traced his tongue along the hem of Kaoru’s trousers “ I will help you, but .... I want to take you” Deftly his hands opened the buttons, and he pulled down trousers and boxers in one go, leaving Kaoru naked except for the shirt that was discarded quickly as well with Kaoru’s help.

Dazedly Die gazed down at the naked body on the bed before him, smooth skin over lean muscles, so beautiful, so familiar... yet having broken contact with the beautiful man’s body everything started to feel slightly unreal. “You will let me take you?” His own words echoed weirdly in his ears....

Kaoru sat up with a sensuous smile. “Only, if you take off your clothes right now!” He reached out, grabbed the hem of Die’s trousers, and moved closer. He pushed up the shirt, exposing skin to let his mouth feast on while his fingers traced teasingly over the bulge clearly visible underneath the fabric of Die’s trousers. Die gasped, everything but the eminent pleasure forgotten. “Nnnng ... Kaoru.... “

Kaoru fastened his mouth over the hard bulge and let his hot breath spill through the fabric, saliva soaking through the trousers, slow to reach through layers of cloth as Kaoru worked his mouth against it, making Die cry out loud, and his knees buckle. Die had to grab the other man’s shoulders to not sink down to the floor....

With a smile Kaoru finally helped Die take off  his trousers and underwear, followed by his shirt.

He let his eyes feast on the naked man’s aroused body in front of him, the sight causing a thrilling sensation run through his body. “Much better...”  Kaoru’s hot lips brushed lightly over Die’s smooth thighs, hands roamed up slim hips caressing Die’s chest and belly, before they slid down over his back, sensuously kneading Die’s butt. A finger slid along the cleft, prodding teasingly against his opening while Kaoru shifted his head, dipping out his tongue to let it run along the length of Die’s erection. Die gripped Kaoru’s head tightly, not wanting him to stop. Kaoru obliged, taking the head of Die’s erection into his mouth, swivelling his tongue around it, before sucking once, hard. A hissed intake of breath answered his action, and Die’s dazed gaze came to rest on the purple head between his legs.

Slowly Kaoru forced his head back against Die’s strong grip, his brown eyes shining lustful, the gaze he gave Die intense and full of raw passion.

“Take me!” With that Kaoru freed himself from Die’s grip and moved back onto the bed, lying down, limbs sprawled, his gaze never leaving Die’s.

Die stood there, chest heaving, his own harsh breaths drowning out every other sound. He hadn’t understood what Kaoru said, but his gaze and actions were more clear than any words could be.

Kaoru smiled as Die finally moved onto the bed. He pushed Kaoru’s legs further apart, before he covered the his leader’s body with his and claimed his mouth in a searing kiss...his hand caressed down, brushing over Kaoru’s erection briefly, making the other man jerk his hips, before his fingers found their goal. Fingertips caressed arousingly over the sensitive opening. Die broke the kiss to he gaze questing at Kaoru. “Lube?” he asked through gasped breaths.

Kaoru just nodded and reached out to the gladly not to far away bedsidetable, and let his hand rummage through it’s halfopened chests content. Before he found the familiar tube his fingers brushed over something silken soft that left an unpleasant sensation on his fingers. He handed the lube to Die, rubbing his fingers over the bedsheets to get rid of the disturbing feeling.

But quickly the sensation was forgotten as one finger, slick with lube rubbed against his opening and slowly intruded into the tight hot tunnel. Kaoru moaned loudly and gripped the bedsheets tightly at the intimate and stirring touch that intensified as more fingers were added. Soon they where withdrawn though and replaced by a hot, pulsing hardness that pushed into Kaoru, making him gasp in a mixture of pleasure and pain.

Die closed his eyes in bliss as he pushed his erection into the hot tunnel that moulded itself tightly around his erection. Trembling he forced himself to go slowly till Kaoru had accommodated to the hardened length of flesh pushing into him. He gripped the purple-haired’s cock with one hand stroking it as he started to slowly thrust into Kaoru.

Their harsh panted breaths filled the bedroom, sweat making their bodies glow in the dim light.

Kaoru quickly felt himself relaxing, initial pain, felt at the intrusion, mingled with pleasure till all he felt was a throbbing heat. He lifted his hips, moving them to meet Die’s speeding up thrusts.

Intense pleasure wrenched through him as Die hit that spot inside him- again, and again... till climax shattered him, mind spinning into bliss.

Die felt  the hot tunnel around his erection tighten as Kaoru came all over his hand. One more wild thrust and he spilled too.

Trembling he sank down on top of Kaoru, lying still for a long moment. Their harsh panted breaths slowly died down, and Kaoru made a soft sound of discomfort, pushing against Die who’s full weight rested on top of him. Die pushed himself up, drawing out of Kaoru and sank back down beside him, pulling one of  the blankets half over himself and the already sleeping Kaoru before he fell asleep himself.



“Thanks for taking me home.” Toshiya unlocked the door to Kaoru and his apartment.

Kyo grinned. “No problem, and I should rather thank you for staying with me and not running off like Shinya. Probably feared Puppy would starve without him being there for an evening.”

Playfully Toshiya hit Kyo’s head. “Now don’t tease Shinya so much when he’s not even present .” His eyes twinkled “Keep that for when he is there.”

“And there I was thinking you would defend him.”

“Well I have to admit Shinya seemed more open tonight. He laughed, and I even got him to dance! Perhaps we should go out some time again, just the three of us?”

Kyo grinned, vividly remembering the nice site Toshiya and Shinya dancing had given him. He nodded. “Sure, anytime.”

“Ok, oyasumi. See you tomorrow at practice.” With one last smile at Kyo Totchi pushed open the door to his apartment.

“Oyasumi.” Kyo turned and walked slowly down along the corridor, a wistful smile on his lips. //If only....// But he didn’t allow the thoughts to form.


Toshiya pulled off his shoes in the dim light of the entrance, throwing a short glance into the darkness before him. //Seems Kaoru already went to bed.// A loving smile crept on his lips, as he walked further into their apartment, not turning on any lights and trying to be as silent as possible. He stopped, noticing light coming from the direction of the bedroom, and he felt his heart making a little leap. //Did Kaoru wait up for me? Ah, but it’s already so late, perhaps he fell asleep... or he... // Pictures were added to the thought, of Kaoru lying sprawled naked on their bed, seductive smile on his lips, and his eyes... Toshiya shivered involuntarily. His beautiful eyes that could bore like fire into him, undressing him, promising pleasure.... Kaoru was the only man he knew that could seduce him with a mere gaze, reducing him to a shivering wanton creature.

Biting his lips, hoping and anticipating what he may find in their bedroom Toshiya slowly crept closer to the door, trying to make no sound. He took a moment to calm himself // What if he fell asleep....// Toshiya smiled at himself //well if he fell asleep I can wake him....// Still smiling to himself he stepped into the doorway.


Toshiya froze. The smile disappearing from his lips as his eyes widened in shock. His mind reeled away from the sight that greeted him. The bed, his bed, their bed... .the sheets were crumpled. Only half covered by a  blanket two naked bodies, lying close to each other. Kaoru... .his Kaoru... .with Die. A sheen of sweat still covered their bodies, both looking ruffled but content in their sleep. There was no doubt what had happened here.

Toshiya pressed his shaking hand hard onto his mouth to surpress the urge to scream. He felt sick, his body all cold and shaking violently, bile rising at the back of his throat. He wanted to close his eyes, run away do something, anything to extinguish the sight of betrayal that presented himself before him.

He shook his head, a sound of pain escaping from his closepressed lips. //Kaoru... . Kaoru... .how could you, why – you said there was nothing between you, NOTHING , that's what you call nothing – Kaoru with Die – he made fun of me, did he want me to find them like this – Kaoru’s mocking me, I love him, and he betrays me...   why, why... . Kaoru... . HATE YOU, HATE YOU, HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!// Toshiya screamed in his mind, amidst his wildly spinning thoughts.

His eyes stung, dizzy he finally stumbled back,  crashing into the wall behind him. He turned and ran, hitting his arm on a doorframe in the dark, but the pain was nothing compared to what he was feeling inside. Still shaking Toshiya stopped only long enough to put on his shoes than he tore open the door, slamming it behind himself. Out, out, just out – he had to get away!!!!!

He nearly fell down the stairs twice as he ran down, his eyes finally filling with tears, blurring his vision. Still running he hit the buildings entrancedoor, causing it to fly open. He ran out, not seeing, not caring where his stumbling steps led him to – just – away from the ugly sight  – away, but nothing could be far enough to flee the picture that had already branded itself with sharp clarity into his mind.

 Suddenly Toshiya ran into something, strong arms wrapped around his body and held him, stopping him. Toshiya struggled, trying to tear free. “ NONONONO!!!!!!!!”

“Toshiya!!! Totchi!! Stop! It's me! Stop! It's Kyo! Listen!!!!!” Slowly Kyo’s words penetrated Toshiya’s turmoiled mind, reaching through the momentary madness and he stopped struggling. Shaking and crying he sank against the smaller man “Kyo!?” The name came out in a harsh sob.

Kyo staggered under the sudden weight resting on him. He tried to get a better grip on the tall man and make him look at him, shaking him slightly. “Toshiya, what’s wrong? Talk to me!!” His voice was full of worry and anxiety.

“Kaoru... .”

“What’s with Kaoru, what happened, please Toshiya. Talk to me!!!” //Gods, something bad must have happened to Kaoru... // In his mind’s eye Kyo saw Kaoru dead, lying in his apartment, killed by burglars, or... ...


“Kaoru slept with Die” Toshiya cried out his humiliation.

Kyo looked shocked, first relieve washing through him, Kaoru wasn’t dead... ...  but then – rage. Kaoru slept with Die, Kaoru cheated on Toshiya, Kaoru hurt Toshiya!!!!! //And he used ME for that – I believed Die that he and Kaoru wanted to talk and played nicely along, getting Toshiya out of their way... // Kyo felt bad for that. Helpless he looked at the sobbing Toshiya who had sunk to the ground still clinging to Kyo. He knelt down, wrapping his arms around the shaking bundle, and trying to soothe. // Shit, what now // “Totchi, come, get up... .you can’t sit here all night. I’ll take you along, ok.” He tried to speak calmly, reasonably though inside anger and concern where raging. Soothingly his hands rubbed over Toshiya’s back. “Please Toshiya, get up, I don’t want you to catch a cold sitting here on the ground.” He tugged gently at the bassist shivering form.

“Kyo... ... “

“Hm... ?” Kyo feared Toshiya would protest, but the young man finally struggled up to his feet, though still crying and clinging to Kyo like a lifeline. “Thanks... “ Tearblurred eyes met the smaller man’s for a moment and made Kyo’s heart clench with pain. Gently he pulled Toshiya along to his car.

“No problem” Kyo mumbled. He helped Toshiya into the car, who huddled together on his seat as he had to let go of Kyo. The smaller man caressed over his bluish hair before he closed the door on Toshiya and walked over to his side of the car. He threw a murderous glance at the apartmentbuilding, then took a deep calming breath before he got into his car.


The drive to Kyo’s apartment was spent in silence. Toshiya’s mind was in turmoil, pain causing his thoughts to take a spiralling path down into despair and hate, images of what he just had seen teasing him cruelly, making him believe in the worst he could imagine //Since when, how long is that going on – did they never break up – Kaoru was just using me. He played with me – and then told Die everything about it, how I was foolishly talking about  love to him – how they both must have laughed. I HATE YOU... ... and I hate myself for being so stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid... !!!!!!!!!!//


Kyo threw Toshiya a short glance from time to time, but otherwise didn’t say anything, concentrating on getting home quickly to where he would be able to give Toshiya his full attention and may be able to help him... . though how he didn’t know...



Kyo ushered the bassist into his apartment, locking the door behind them. Toshiya hadn’t clung to him anymore but only wrapped his arms tightly around his body. Kyo wasn’t sure if he should be glad about that or more worried – and perhaps deep down inside himself he was even a bit disappointed.

Toshiya stopped in Kyo’s livingroom, just standing there. So  Kyo took  his arm and steered the unresisting young man to the couch, pushing him onto it gently where Toshiya immediately huddled up onto himself again. Kyo stifled a sigh. “You want something to drink, some tea maybe?” He started to head towards the kitchen as suddenly he felt something tugging at his shirt. Looking  down, he saw Toshiya's hand wrapped around the hem of his shirt.

“Please, stay... “ the voice was horse with pain.

Kyo sank down on the couch beside Toshiya, putting an arm around his shoulders for comfort. // If I get my hands on you Kaoru, you will regret this!!!! //

Wrapping his arms around Kyo, the younger man  buried his head at the others shoulder. The blonde could feel how Totchi was still shivering and pulled him closer, starting to rub his hands soothingly over his back but he couldn’t think of anything to say that might help and soothe the other’s pain.

He thought Toshiya would stay like this forever, without talking, just letting his tears soak through the fabric of Kyo’s shirt onto his shoulder. But then the little vocalist heard Toshiya’s voice, or rather only felt it at first, as he was whispering hoarsely against his shoulder.
“... ... ... ... ...  why, why. He told me Die and he were just friends. I was jealous but he said, it was over between them. But I saw them... “ A sob interrupted Toshiya’s words, but Kyo could only hold the younger man still tighter. “Kyo, they had sex in our bed, they slept there but Kaoru knew I would come back tonight – did he want me to see them – is that his way of telling me what he thinks of me...  That I’m  a stupid fool... “

“Are you sure – I mean, you said you didn’t see them actually having sex with each other, right. So maybe it's all a big misunderstanding and they didn’t sleep with each other, but maybe... “ He stopped as Toshiya lifted his tearstreaked face and gazed at Kyo with betrayal in his eyes.

“I know what I’ve seen!! I’m not that stupid. They had sex, that much was obvious! But if you don’t believe me, fine... ” Sounding hurt he wanted to draw away, but Kyo quickly held him back.

“No, Totchi, I believe you. Sorry, I didn’t mean to, I mean – I wasn’t there, I don’t know what you saw, but I believe you. I just hoped, that maybe it wasn’t true.” Kyo’s eyes looked so sincere and full of concern that Toshiya let himself be drawn back burying his head at the smaller man’s shoulder again, another sob racking his body as the picture of what he had seen at Kaoru and his apartment presented itself to him once more. “There was even the light on, no way I could be mistaken.” Toshiya’s hands clenched at Kyo’s shoulders. “Gods, Kyo this is like a nightmare. Why did Kaoru do this, why did he cheat on me, why... .wasn’t I enough for him.”

Kyo swallowed. He had no answers, hell he wasn’t  any good at playing counsellor, his own lovelife wasn’t that great, so how should he find the right words to help Toshiya.

“Totchi, I’m sorry. I ... I don’t know what to do or say to help you and make you feel better – just, you know I’m there for you, yes. I don’t understand why Kaoru did that. I mean you are beautiful and talented, sweet and clever... Kaoru is a damn bastard having cheated on you.” Not able to keep calm anymore the words showed his anger, making Toshiya flinch slightly.

Kyo looked guilty. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t... “

“No, it’s alright... thank you Kyo....” Toshiya took a shaking breath. “I hate Kaoru. It’s over between us, I hate him, he cheated on me, I....” //I could do the same. Kaoru is no-one special, HE cheated on me, I can sleep with anyone I want too!!! I can cheat on him just as easily, I don’t care about him anymore.//

Toshiya became aware of the warm body he was resting against, the strong arms wrapped around him, the hands caressing soothingly over his back. Slowly he pulled back, sitting up, blinking away tears he gazed searching at Kyo’s face. “Kyo.......”

The smaller man felt goosebumps raise at the back of his neck as he heard Toshiya speak his name – somehow the bassists voice sounded – weird – too calm.......... something was wrong.......

Toshiya observed him closely and slowly let his hands caress down from the vocalists shoulders, smoothing Kyo’s shirt to outline the sculptured body beneath. (:)~~~~~~~~~~~~)

Kyo swallowed. What was going on all of a sudden? Had he fallen asleep and started to dream?

“Kyo.... sleep with me.... please.”

Confused the small vocalist gazed up at Toshiya. “What?!!”

Toshiya slowly bent closer, bringing his mouth close to Kyo’s ear. “Please, Kyo....sleep with me.” The warm breath blowing gently against his ear made him shiver. The tongue that snaked out of Totchi’s mouth and licked slowly over his ear, tracing every winding caused a lustful shiver to run through his body.

Seductively Toshiya brushed his mouth over Kyo’s cheek, seeking out the vocalists lips with his own. ”Please, please....” Kyo felt his resistance melt away like snow in scorching sunlight.

Toshiya’s lips pressed gently against his, moving searching. Closing his eyes he revelled in their softness and his lips parted inviting, letting Toshiya’s tongue snake into his mouth. All he ever wanted, this kiss, Toshiya... . his... ...  His hands came up to gently cradle the younger mans head in them, feeling the softness of Toshiya’s hair...  he moaned as Totchi moved closer, sliding onto his lap, the warm weight of Toshiya resting against him, pressing up to his own smaller body.

//It's all you ever wanted. Now you can have it. Toshiya is yours – finally... ... //  Kyo moved his mouth, brushing his lips over the bassist’s cheeks, gently licking over the soft skin, tasting the saltiness that still lingered there from the shed tears... . Kyo broke away suddenly, looking up at Toshiya’s face; his closed eyes that slowly fluttered open. //Tears, he still looks like he wanted to cry. No, I can’t do this. I’m sure this would be the most wonderful night in my life, all I ever dreamed of, and Toshiya wants it now, but, he’ll regret it in the morning. He still - loves Kaoru.// The realisation settled heavily on him. //Kaoru hurt him, but he still loves him... . that’s what makes it all the more painful// Kyo wrapped his arms around the younger man and pulled him down against his chest, holding him close.

“Toshiya, I really would love to sleep with you, but I think it's not a good idea, not tonight. Kaoru hurt you and now you want to get even with him. You would probably regret it in the morning, and... I rather not sleep with you out of  revenge.”

Confused Toshiya let Kyo pull him into the embrace, then his lips started to tremble as Kyo’s words sank in. He suddenly felt small, lost and uncertain again.

//Damn, have I hurt him now?// Kyo carefully pushed Toshiya back a little so he could take a look at his face.

Worry arose in him as the bluehaired bassist only stared back  without showing any reaction. Not daring to speak Kyo pleaded silently with whatever powers there may be, that Toshiya would get back to normal again.

Slowly Toshiya nodded. “I’m sorry....” he whispered “I just don’t know what to do....”

Kyo heaved a sigh of relieve. “No it’s ok.... come here.” Kyo pulled the slim body into a tight hug again.


They  stayed like this for some time, till Kyo noticed Toshiya was drifting off into an exhausted sleep. Carefully he roused the bassist and helped the sleepy man over into his bedroom.

“You sleep here tonight, you need a good nights rest, ok. But you can wake me any time if there is something you need – even if you just want to talk. Ok.”

Toshiya only nodded and curled up on the bed. He felt tired, so horribly tired. Dimly he was aware that Kyo draped a blanket over him before he fell asleep.

For some moments Kyo gazed down at the sleeping young man huddled underneath his blanket. His breathing spilled evenly over slightly parted lips, his chest heaved slowly in a steady soothing rhythm. But tears had left their traces on the soft cheeks.

Kyo reached out and let his fingers caress over Toshiya’s face, lingering for a moment, barely touching the soft lips. He closed his eyes and felt the warm breath spill over them....

Then Kyo took a blanket from the bed. He would sleep on the couch. Toshiya’s beauty was enough to tempt a saint – what Kyo definitely was NOT. So to stick to his resolves he choose to distance himself a bit. He didn’t really want to leave the young man alone when he seemed so vulnerable, but...  Kyo sighed, and left the door open, hoping he would hear it when Toshiya needed him.

Too tired to undress he sank down onto the couch, pulling the blanket over himself and quickly fell asleep.



Light filtered past the only half drawn curtains into the bedroom that was already illuminated by a dim electric light, which didn’t seem to disturb the two sleepers though.

Nevertheless slowly one of the two stirred. He rolled over and cuddled closer to the other man’s body. He enjoyed the warmth while his mind slowly shook of the rest of sleep, till he felt awake enough to open his eyes. Blinking lazily, he tried  to focus on the red head beside his.... //.......Red hair.......Die?.......... What?! .......// Suddenly Kaoru sat bolt upright, the short sharp pain in his head drowned out by his quickly beating heart, as last nights events came back to him. //Die and I – we had sex! Why is the light’s already morning – SHIT – TOSHIYA!!!!!//

Kaoru got out of bed, grabbed his carelessly discarded boxers, pulling them on and looked around the apartment, frantically searching for any clue that would indicate if Toshiya had come home last night and what had happened then. //Hell, did Totchi come home and saw me and Die – gods, I’m such a jerk, why did I sleep with Die, why didn’t I think of Totchi.// Having found nothing Kaoru finally slumped down on the couch in the livingroom. //Damn where is Toshiya.... what if he saw us and ran off and something happened to him // The usually so calm Kaoru started to fidget full of worry for his lover. The sharp pain he had felt as he sat up finally had worked itself up to an insistent throbbing that made thinking  clearly hard. //Ok, ok try to stay calm. Maybe Toshiya didn’t come home yet, maybe he stayed over at Kyo’s place – and even if not, maybe Kyo can help you, maybe he knows something. OK.// With shaking hands Kaoru reached over for the phone.




Slowly the ringing phone penetrated through the fuzzy blanket and Kyo’s sleepbefuddled mind. At first the vocalist tried to ignore it, but then he remembered Toshiya. He didn’t want Toshiya to be woken by the annoying ringing of the phone just cause some jerk didn’t know when it was time to give up.

Kyo struggled up out from his nice warm blanketcave and fumbled for the phone beside the couch with still half-closed eyes. “Hngh.” Whoever it was didn’t deserve any politeness for waking him.

“Kyo!? Kaoru here. Ano, I just wanted to....”

Wide awake in an instant Kyo didn’t wait for Kaoru to finished his sentence.

“You fucking jerk, what were you thinking of doing!” His voice was a sharp hiss – he would have liked to yell at the other man but for the sake of sleeping Toshiya he tried to keep his voice down.

“What?” Kaoru sounded shocked and confused.

“Oh, please Kaoru don’t try to play innocent. I know what happened! I brought Totchi home last night only to see him run out of the building moments later, crying. He saw you with Die and from what he told me it must have been pretty obvious as to what the two of you have been up to. Fucking talk, sure. You slept with Die!! You cheated on your lover and made sure he found out about it too! What the fuck were you thinking you were doing Kaoru!” Kyo’s voice sounded full of rage and like he was ready to kill.


Kaoru didn’t know how to respond to all those accusations. It was true, wasn’t it. Without thinking he had  cheated on Toshiya. “So Toshiya is with you?” Relieve and uncertainty mingled in his voice. Toshiya wasn’t hurt.......physical at least.

“Yes, he’s at my place! And before you ask I don’t think he’ll want to talk with you, or see you! “

“But.......” The throbbing in Kaoru’s head seemed to increase with every moment, making it hard to get his turmoiled thoughts in order, so he said the next best thing. “But what about practice?”


Kaoru jerked his hand holding the receiver away from his ear. For a moment he just heard Kyo’s harsh breathing that spoke of the other mans anger, then Kyo hung up.


Kaoru slipped the receiver back onto the phone, then dropped his head into his hands, closing his eyes.

// must he feel now. How must he have felt last night. Kyo said he was crying. What have I done, why – it can’t have been just the alcohol. Will Toshiya ever speak to me again – what did I do, what did I do. Kyo’s right. I’m a bastard. Why did this have to happen, why did I grow so cold towards Toshiya and now hurt him so much.......// Kaoru’s thoughts whirled on and on without finding an answer. He felt bad, really bad – not so much guilty. Somehow it didn’t seem like he had been thinking much yesterday when Die and he started kissing, it just happened, and it had felt good. He couldn’t feel guilty about that. But what he had done to Toshiya with that careless act -–he felt pain for hurting him, pain like Toshiya might feel now. Something thick and hot was pressing against his throat from inside, making it hard to breath. His chest tightened painfully and he choked out a dry sob.


Kaoru didn’t know how long he sat there like this, fighting the sobs, trying to stay in control of himself, trying to understand why he was feeling this pain. Suddenly he heard a noise from the direction of the bedroom. Swallowing down the lump in his throat he looked up.

Die stood there, a blanket wrapped around himself. He  looked kind of confused and – shy. Kaoru wasn’t certain if the other man remembered as clearly as he what had happened between them last night. But Die didn’t ask about that. “Toshiya.......?”

Kaoru closed his eyes for a moment. “He.......he knows what happened between us, that we had sex last night.” A glance at the redhead who nodded slightly assured Kaoru that he remembered too. “I called Kyo and he told me that he brought Toshiya here yesterday, but that he came out crying soon after, and he took him along to his place. Kyo thinks I sat that up somehow. That we only used him to get rid of Toshiya or something....he even believes I wanted Toshiya to find us like this.” Tired Kaoru rubbed his hands over his face before he gazed at Die again.

The redhead looked kinda shocked and guilty. “Kaoru, I’m sorry, I....”

Kaoru waved him of. “It’s not your fault, I mean....” He shook his head what made him wince, the movement causing the throbbing in his head to turn into a sharp  piercing pain. “Ah, Die, I think  we should talk about what happened last night but my head feels like it’s going to split in two and I need an aspirin first....”

Smiling slightly the redhead nodded. “You look bad. If you don’t mind I’ll take a quick shower while you get the aspirin – and while you are at it get me one too please, my head seems only slightly better off than yours.”

Die's words made Kaoru smile slightly in return and he waved the other man off before he dragged himself to the kitchen to do something against his throbbing head.


After both men had showered, dressed and the pain in their heads calmed down due to medication and some breakfast, they sat on the livingroom couch, ready to talk.

A bit warily Die eyed Kaoru. “So, bout last night.......what was it to you?”

Kaoru shifted a little uncomfortable, hoping he wouldn’t hurt his best friend with this. “Die, I.... the sex last night was great and I....I kind of needed that I think, but.... “ Frantically he searched for words how to describe best what he felt. Suddenly he felt Die squeezing his shoulder and he looked up at the redhead who smiled slightly.

“But it was only sex, right....nothing more, we are still only friends.”

Kaoru nodded, relieved that Die didn’t seem to see anything more in it.

“Good, I feared you might think differently about this, cause well....” Die gave him a funny look “ I really like you Kaoru, you’re my best friend, but, there is someone else I love.”

Kaoru was a bit surprised by that sudden confession. “You do?” then he shook his head as if to clear his mind. “Ah, I remember, you were saying something of the like yesterday night, but you gave no hint as to who it might be. For some time I even thought you might mean me.”

Both men laughed.

“No, no you don’t have to worry bout that. It’s definitely not you....” Die’s statement grew wistful. “The person I fell in love with is as unreachable as the stars for me. I’ll probably have to be content to admire him from afar for the rest of my life.”

Kaoru was somewhat surprised by Die’s sudden poetic use of words. “Woah, you sound as if you really have it bad! “

The redhead gave an embarrassed laugh. “ Well.... yes.”

Fascinated Kaoru watched him blush a bit. “But you think he won’t return your feelings.”

“I’m very sure. Hell will freeze over before it would happen that he loves me back!”

Kaoru frowned at his friends pessimism. “What makes you so sure about that. Is he straight? Do I know that guy?”

“Actually I don’t know what his sexual preferences might be. And....” Die hesitated “ Maybe you know him. I wont tell you more. Anyway this is not the problem right now. It’s you..........and Toshiya.”

Kaoru flinched slightly. It had felt good to think about something else for a moment, to ponder about someone else’s problems. But shoving his troubles away would not help him here.

Having cleared how they stood to each other seemed to make Die feel more at ease again and he moved on the couch so he was facing Kaoru. “So, I think you should find out what your feelings for Toshiya are right now before you  try to talk with him bout what happened tonight between us.”

Kaoru nodded. He was right where he had started out again, just the situation had worsened.

“You could break up with him now. That may be the easiest thing to do.”

“NO. “ Kaoru felt strangely certain about that. “I don’t want to break up when all – this what happened still stands between Toshiya and me.... and....” Kaoru’s gaze became distant as he examined his feelings, trying to find out what it was he wanted.

Patiently Die sat beside him, observing the purple-haired's face for any clues of what he might be thinking, but otherwise only waiting for him to find what he wanted to say.

As Kaoru spoke again his voice was strangely husky and he looked uncertain. “.... I don’t want to break up with Toshiya at all.”



Next Part – “Cold Hate”


to be continued

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