tsmr-Ago, Now and Unknown
Ago, Now & Unknown


Part 4 – Now [II]

The night before Kaoru was going overseas again. This time Toshiya seemed a bit happy, as it will be his lover last travel oversea. Kaoru was busy with his own stuff when Toshiya approaches him.

“ Kaoru you sure you will be back before my birthday?”

Kaoru turn around and pull Toshiya against his body. “ Of course my love, I promised to give you a surprise on your birthday.” He added before they start kissing.

Kaoru push his lover onto the bed and slowly he traces his kisses down Toshiya body leaving down love bits hoping it will last for two weeks before he return although it is impossible. Toshiya in the other hand was leaving down his nail scratch on Kaoru back.

“ I love you Totchi.” Kaoru whispered. “ Can I now…?”

Kaoru slowly enter into Toshiya when he get know his lover was ready. At first Toshiya felt the sharp pain then it slowly turn into pleasure when Kaoru starts to move faster and faster until they both come. Kaoru lay on top of Toshiya for a short while before he moves beside his lover, pulling Toshiya nearer to him. Toshiya was so tired but he felt so being love when Kaoru embrace him like that.

This will be forever… I know you will love me forever Kaoru…

“ I love you!” Toshiya said to Kaoru who replied him with another kiss.

The next morning, Kaoru left alone to the airport after preparing breakfast for Toshiya who was still sleeping like pig. “ Good bye Totchi!” Kaoru kissed Toshiya forehead and left the room.


The last day of March which is Toshiya’s birthday but he was extremely upset today. Shinya was with him; Die was with him but not his lover. Kaoru had not returned oversea, as he had promised. Shinya and Die was trying their best to cheer Toshiya but he was pulling a long face although he did not want to disappoint his friend who was trying to make him happy.

He was so disappointed. Gradually Toshiya feel like crying just as his handphone rang.

“ Hello.” Toshiya answer lifelessly.

“ Happy Birthday Totchi!”

The voice immediately lightens up Toshiya mood. “ Kaoru!” He exclaimed

Die and Shinya stare at Toshiya then look each other. “ He is selfish when come to love or friendship.” Die says jokingly and Shinya nod his head in agreement.

“ Where are you now?” Toshiya asked his lover.

“ I’m on my way back from the airport.” Kaoru simply answer. “ Sorry that I’m back late Totchi.”

Toshiya was smiling widely now. “ Never mind, as long as you finally back.” He added.

“ I’ll be back in a short while.” Kaoru said before they hang up the pone. “ I love you.”

“ I love you too!”

Toshiya look back at Shinya and Die who was pretending to be weeping. Toshiya give them a silly laugh and the three-fool laugh together. As long as their friend can be happy, Die and Shinya will be happy too. This is what Die and Shinya thinks.

An hour passed but Kaoru had not returned.

Toshiya simply say it may be traffic jam.

Two hours passed.

Three hours passed.

Toshiya called his lover but the phone could not get through.

Four hours passed.

“ He said he will give me a surprise today, maybe he is preparing it!” Toshiya explained.

Five hours passed.

The phone rang, Toshiya pick it up. “ Moshi Moshi, Kaoru?”

“ Hello, we are calling from the hospital…”

Toshiya dropped the phone.


Die, Shinya and Toshiya rushed to the hospital. They confirm the ward where Kaoru was in from the nurse and when they were finally in front of the ward, Toshiya stopped. He sits down at the chair, body shaking badly.

“ I’m not going in!” Toshiya said suddenly.

Die enters the ward with Shinya leaving Toshiya sitting there emotionless. The ward seems to become so big suddenly. Kaoru was there, lying unmoved with a white cloth covering him. Die and Shinya walk to Kaoru, slowly, Die life ups the cloth. Die shut his eyes, clutching the cloth. Shinya burst out crying.

“ Hey you fucking idiot! Wake up now!” Die exclaim suddenly.

“ Die!?” Shinya who was now sitting on the floor was surprise by Die sudden reaction.

“ You say you won’t die before me!” Die shouted at Kaoru. “ If you still lay there, I’ll take Toshiya away from you!”

Die was now pulling Kaoru by the shirt, holding Kaoru’s body up by the neck. Shinya wanted to stop Die but his leg weren’t moving.

“ You idiot! YOU’RE IDIOT!!” Die yelled at Kaoru. “ You… going to killed Toshiya… you…”

“ Die…” Shinya called out softly, seeing the tears in Die’s eyes.


That day, Toshiya didn’t get to see Kaoru. He had faint immediately when he finally decides to enter the ward.

After the funeral, Toshiya had been locking himself inside his room, not letting anyone going in. The room he and Kaoru used to share, it was full of memory but Toshiya knows all these memories had come to an end, there will be no more new one because Kaoru is gone… forever.


That day when Die finally forced his way inside the room, he was stun to see how Toshiya had become. He knows Toshiya heart was broken but he can’t bear to see him becoming like a ghost. Toshiya had become so thin, his eyes were swollen but there are no more tears now.

“ Toshiya please…” Die said pulling Toshiya up. “ Gather yourself up now, Kaoru won’t want to see you like this.”

Toshiya remain emotionless. Shinya was standing at the door, tears was dripping down his face to see Toshiya like that.

“ He says he will give me a surprise.” Toshiya muttered suddenly. “ What a big one…”

Die felt his heart breaking up on hearing that. Again tears start to form in Toshiya’s eyes, dripping down his face slowly before he collapse onto Die. “ He’s a liar!” Toshiya yelled.

“ Toshiya! You still have Shinya and me…”

“ He still own me a star and he said he will give it to me, he said he would!” Toshiya starts to yell like mad now. “ I want it now KAORU, GIVE IT TO ME NOW!!”

After a long yelling and crying, Toshiya finally felt asleep. Die and Shinya left the room and went outside to take a break.


Few days later, Toshiya finally became calmer. He did not cry that much and was willing to eat something after listening to Shinya. Apart from that, Toshiya still refused to talk to anyone.

“ He has finished half of it.” Shinya said to Die when Toshiya went into the room after eating.

Just then, the doorbell rang and Die went to get it.

“ Is there a Mr. Hara here?” The man asked.

“ Yes, there is.” Die answered.

“ I am delivery something to him although it was delay some time. We are sorry about it.”

Die signed the receipt and takes the parcel from the man. The deliveryman politely bows to Die and left.

Die passed the parcel to Toshiya who was inside the room. Toshiya open the parcel, there is a small box and a letter inside. He opened the letter, immediately he see Kaoru’s name. Without waiting, he opened the small box before reading the letter. In the box there was a ring, a diamond ring.

Toshiya reads the letter:

Totchi my love,

Here the star I had promise to give you. Don’t you think it look like one? I know you can’t wear this ring out but it just caught my eyes when I see it. Well actually I wish to use this ring and letter as my behalf to ask you this. Will you marry me? I decide to deliver it to you instead of giving you myself because I want you to have more time consider and if you agreed, wear it on your birthday!

Your love


Toshiya dropped the letter and burst out crying.



Sorry for leaving like that. I promised I won’t do any foolish thing but I need time. I understand your love for me but I can’t accept it now, I don’t want to take you as Kaoru replacement. Hope you understand.


Pls: next time when we meet again, I make your dream comes truth if you still longing for it!

The very first time Die finds himself crying, not that he is upset for Toshiya leaving like this but he feel the pain in Toshiya. He had cried for Toshiya, the man he loves wholeheartedly. Die folds the letter and put it inside his pocket, brush his hair properly. The cold air blow on his face, looking at the sky, he could feel Toshiya still around him no matter how far he had gone; Toshiya would always be in his heart.

That day when Toshiya sees the ring Kaoru had give him, he almost broke down and wanted to kill himself. It was Die who stops him and tells Toshiya how much he needs him. Die is willing to replace Kaoru in whatever matter as long as Toshiya is can smile again but he was been rejected. Die manages to stop Toshiya from doing foolish thing but he still could not get his love.

Waiting… longing… just for you…


“ Shinya, you’re here already.”

Shinya turns around and see Die holding a bouquet of flower in his hand smiling at him. It had been quite some time since he last sees Die and it seem that Die had not change much.

“ Nice to see you again.” Shinya reply. “ It had been a year since I meet you here last year.”

It had been five years since Kaoru’s death and Toshiya leaving. Die had also left the company to become a free photographer shortly after Toshiya left. Since then, Shinya only get to see Die every year on Kaoru’s anniversary. Every year they would come to pay Kaoru a visit and hope to see Toshiya again but they never get to see him.

“ Since like he’s not here again.” Shinya simply said referring to Toshiya.

“ Maybe next year!” Die reply.

“ Well, let’s go!”

Twinkle Twinkle little stars…how I …


to be continued

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