Imagine you're in
love.Imagine you're in love. Deeply in love.
But you can't tell, can't confess it
What would you do?
( some corner of my mind ;)=
Die sighed desperately. Where
in hell was Shinya? Five days,
and no sign from the other man, not
even an call to show he was
alright. The guitarist ruffled his
hair, ringing the tenth time at
Shinya's apartment. [Please, open
already!......Where is he?...My
god...please make that he's
ok!....What if he's gotten into an
accident and no one
okay...probably he's just........oh
right.....he needed to think
and.......ohhh!] Die groaned angrily and
turned, jogging the steps down out of
the house and walked to his
"K'so!", he swore, slamming the
car-door shut and resting
against the seat. Closing his eyes he
let himself relax for once. He
hadn't really gotten much sleep in
the last few days, nor had the
other band mates. They all had been
searching for Shinya. Kyo in the
streets, Kaoru in Shinya's Family,
Toshiya in the studios and music
stores and he.......he'd been
searching all places he'd known Shinya
did visit once in a while, including
his apartment. Die sighed again.
They hadn't found him, through.
Suddenly an thought occurred in his
mind. [What if.....he'd been so hurt
suicide?......no...no, no, no,
no!......not Shin-chan, all but not
Shin-chan! He's strong I know that!
He wouldn't do that, would
he?......no, not over such an stupid
and small thing like this
teasing had been.......right?]
Shit, he was scared to death
about his friend.
It hurt not to know who the
fragile drummer was, what he did
right now, with whom he talked,
_what_ he talked.....heck, it hurt
the most not to know if he was
alright or not!
[Why does it hurt so
much......I want to know where he
is.....what are you doing Shin-chan?
Are you still mad?....We didn't
mean it you know......_I_ didn't mean
back....please come back.....]
Slowly, Die opened his eyes,
yawning and stretching. The
sight before him made him jolt back
to conciousness in less than one
second. His mouth wide agape he
watched as Shinya's grin
widened. "What.....SHINYA?", he
managed to choke out, hastily opening
the door as if he was afraid the
drummer would vanish. He stumbled
out of his car and grabbed hold of
Shinya's small thin wrists. "Where
have you been? We've been worried
sick about you, do you know that?"
"Really?", Shinya asked, his
eyes shining in joy.
Die just stared at him
unbelieving. "Of course! What do you
think Shinya, do you think we're all
heartless bastards?" [I can't
believe it....he's back....my Shin-chan's
always.......he's finally back!]
Embarrassedly the petite man
lowered his gaze to the ground,
only to find himself being hugged
close to the other man, Die's
strong arms surrounding him fully,
never letting go.
you're back.....are you
alright?", Die questioned huskily.
Shinya nodded, slowly embracing
Die too. "I'm fine...."
[He's so frail......so
thin....oh Shinya what have you done?
Where've you been? Please tell me...]
"I.....I'm sorry Die, for not
letting you know where I
am.....sorry....but, I needed to be
alone for once......"
"It's okay....I....we need to
apology.......we didn't mean
it......please forgive us!"
Wide eyed he stared at Die's
neck, some crimson bangs curling
around it. [Oh my....I love
him.....love him so much it
hurts..........he's been worried
about me!.....and he's sorry
too.....dear Die.....] His lips
curled up into an beautiful
smile. "I've nothing to forgive
Happiness shot through his
veins and he hugged the other man
even more. "Thank you Shin-chan"
Shinya merely nodded, afraid to
break the moment by moving,
but soon, too soon for him, Die let
go, somewhat embarrassed.
"Umm.....come on, we've gotta
tell the others you're back!",
Die said abruptly, mentally cursing
himself to be too emotional, but
somehow he couldn't help it. He was
just too glad to have Shinya back.
"Okay...", the drummer agreed
and the two of them walked over
to Shinya's apartment to call their
band mates. After they'd phoned,
they sat in the kitchen drinking some
water, both afraid to speak.
[I wonder what he's been
through.....why doesn't he tell me
who he'd been the whole
nervous....what's wrong....is it
me?.....should I go? Maybe he want
to be alone by now....maybe he can't
stand me....no, that's nonsense
hard to read him!] Die's thoughts
whirled in his mind as he simply
stared at Shinya, not once leaving
him with his eyes. He bathed in the
beauty of his friend and felt
himself getting lost. [How does it
come, I feel myself drown to
Shinya so much? What is it about him
that fascinates me...?]
Shinya in the opposite was
squirming uncomfortably under
Die's gaze. [What does he think? Is
he angry? No...he's
smiling..........what does he smile
about?.....shit, it's so
confusing!] His heart beat faster and
faster and he felt hot.
hopeless....he's just friendly towards me
and I'm thinking about how handsome
he is.......how sexy......his
lips, how do they taste?.....I need
to feel.......argh fuck! Stop it
"Where have you been Shin-chan?",
the dark, but warm voice
cut through the silence as dark brown
eyes questioned hazelnut ones.
Nervously, the drummer shifted.
"I...I've been with a
"A friend? Where?"
"I'm sorry.....I can't tell, I
promised her not to tell
"Oh........", Die whispered.
[He was with a girl? Shinya was
with a girl?.....So I was right after
all?] He should be happy for
his friend......but why did it hurt
him, then? [Fuck]
"Yeah, please don't be angry,
but you know I can't....."
"Yes, I'm not angry....don't
worry.....and after all I'm not
your mum so you don't need to tell me
if you don't want to, right?"
Shinya watched Die, pulling his
hair out of his handsome face
with harsh movements. He could
practically see the other man tense
and knew Die was lying. "You're mad
at me, nee Die? I can tell...."
"No!", the other man replied,
shaking his head. "No, I am not
".....but I'm a bit sad you
can't tell me....."
"Sorry....", Shinya felt his
heart jumping up and down in his
chest, and blushed, hiding his red
face with his hair. [He's
sad.......doesn't that mean he cares
for me?......oh, I'm happy!]
"It's alright, you gave her
your promise.....I can't expect
you to break it, nee?", Die answered,
smiling sadly at his friend. [I
just want to know who she is......who
is this girl who got you Shin-
chan?.......how did she manage it to
get to you more than I do? Tell
me!] "Well-", he stood up. "-I guess
I better go now! Take care Shin-
chan and don't you dare to vanish
"Sure.....I'll stay!" [He's
leaving? Oh no, please don't
Die........if he's going to some of
think about this Shinya, it will only
hurt you more!] He continued to
smile as he walked Die to the door
and opened it.
"Great.....so, umm....ja ne!",
Die awkwardly petted Shinya's
shoulder and slowly left.
Shinya sighed and closed the
door shut, leaning weakly
against it. His knees felt like jelly
and his heart still raced
highly in his chest. Slowly he sank
down, burying his head between
his palms and shutting his eyelids.
He could feel his abdomen tingle
and knew what was happening. Better,
what HAD happened. Shamefully he
tried to calm down. [No, this is too
because one of my friends touched my
shoulder for god's sake!....I
can't let that happen
again....imagine that in practice......everyone
could see! ......Shinya you baka....don't
it!........shit.....] Groaning he
rubbed his red face and then
managed to get up, ignoring the
slight ache between his legs, and
walked over to the kitchen, where he
drank his last gulp of water
before putting the glasses into the
[What am I going to do?]
Cheerfully humming a sweet song on
his lips, the crimson haired
guitarist drove to his home, feeling
somehow dizzy and light hearted.
He opened his apartment door, got in
and slipped out of his shoes and
"Shin-chan's back.......", he
said, smiling brightly, as if
he'd just realized it, not two hours
ago, and walked to his black
leather couch in the living. Sitting
down, he rested his head against
the back letting his mind drift off.
[I wonder what this girl means
to him.......he doesn't say a WORD
really, truly in love with her
and won't talk about her because he
want her for his own alone? Or he
want to protect her from the puplic.........]
[If she's short? Thin? Long
haired?........I so eagerly want
to see her!]
Die didn't recognize he'd
clenched his fists, nor his
expression was grim, deadly grim
until his fingernails tugged deep in
the flesh of his hand, leaving red
marks. Confused he stared at his
hands. [Why am I so tense?
Angry?......I should be happy Shin-chan's
back and not thinking about the women
he's been with!]
Suddenly his eyes shot wide
agape. [Wait.......why DO I even
think about the girl? It's not my
business!.......oh....I'm curious I
guess, just curious........then why
am I so angry at her although I
don't know her?]
He let out a deep sigh. It was
so.....confusing. Lately his
thought's had always been about
Shinya, but of course he'd shrugged
that off as worry for his
friend........could it be that it was
something else? As soon as he thought
about that he blushed dark red.
[NO!], he tried to calm himself. [No,
I'm overreacting! Of course
there's no such thing!!!!!] He
laughed somewhat nervously and bend
over the table to pick up his phone.
Dialling the number he shifted
uncomfortably from one
position to the other. Finally,
someone answered after it had been
ringing for more then ten times, and
Die relaxed a bit.
"Moshi-moshi, Die desu", he
said. "Hai, just my thoughts!
How about a movie and then maybe go
to a dance-club?......okay, then
I'll pick you up in...let's say...one
hour?....yes?.....good, see you
later then! Bye!"
So it was settled. He had a
date with Saiko-chan, where he
would get off of his thoughts for
sure. At least, that was what Die
Some time later, an newly
showered and handsomely looking man
stood outside of an apartment door,
waiting for an beautiful women to
appear. As she did, the man simply
stared at her with an frozen smile
and offered her an arm, leading her
to his car.
Slightly offended by the less
interest of her male partner,
the pretty girl pouted, getting into
the car and fastening the
seatbelt, before they started off to
the cinema. The girl, a chestnut-
haired beauty with large dark orbs
and full lips eyed her companion
through he thick lashes, observing
every singly piece of him.
Something was bothering him, she
could tell, and so she asked. "What
is it Die-kun?"
The guitarist just grinned,
covering his true feelings, and
shook his head, seemingly amused.
"What do you mean Saiko-chan?"
"Die.....you can tell me you
know, I won't spill it!"
"There's nothing to tell,
Saiko-chan!", he answered.
The girl just remained gazing
at him with her big eyes,
pleading for him to tell.
She smiled. "I don't believe you
"Okay, okay......I'll tell you, but
not now!" Die said, parking his
car and getting out, holding the door
open for Saiko-chan. He offered
an sad smile and they walked in the
cinema together. After they'd
picked out an movie and Die'd paid
for it they got into their seats
and leaned back.
Saiko-chan smiled back and rested her
head on his shoulder, inhaling
his masculine scent, which she loved
so dearly. "Die-kun......."
"Okay....." Die grinned to himself
and slowly pulled the gorgeous
women beside, nearer. He liked her
really, she was so understanding
and caring.......she was like Shin-chan.
[Shit], he cursed mentally.
[I'm thinking of him again!.....CUT
him out Die.....he's a man and
one of your friends and bandmates!
AND you're with an beautiful women
at the moment......so STOP THINKING
"The movie starts......" Saiko-chan
announced suddenly and curled
deeper into his embrace and the both
of them started to relax
watching the film.
Well, Die tried to relax. His
thought however just whirled around
one single man, and he could try so
hard but they wouldn't get rid of
his image. He'd been so beautiful,
his face was glowing with joy and
he'd had smiled. Never before Die'd
gotten such an heartmelting smile
from his friend. And never before,
it would have affected him so
much like now. And that was the
worst, that was, what was bugging
him so very much. Was he affected by
"WHAT?" Die shot up, watching the
girl in his arms carefully. "Why
are you screaming like that? Are you
Saiko-chan blushed. "No, no, gomen ne,
I was just afraid by the
movie....you see, the killer was
about to catch the victim and this
frightening melody begun and........"
[She was afraid? That was all?
My.....I didn't even catch one single
act of this movie.......she's
shuddering....would Shinya be afraid
too?] Die merely grinned and snuggled
her closer. [Somehow I could
imagine that on him.......]
"Where are you Die-kun?"
"With your thoughts!"
"Errr.....well.....I just thought
about an friend of mine being
afraid by movies.........nothing
much....just an funny imagination,
"Yeah.....should we go....?"
Saiko-chan nodded and the couple made
it's way out. A few minutes
they walked in silence, then the
pretty women clung on his arms and
sighed deeply. "So, who's this friend
you've been talking about Die-
"......he's a bandmate, you know him,
"Shin-chan........" [He's calling him
Shin-chan......like a lover
Die blushed deep red as he realized
his mistake. "NO, not like that!
I'm just teasing him!"
"Teasing him? But Die-kun....he isn't
here!", Saiko-chan replied with
an small smile.
"You like him, don't you?"
"NO!" [I don't.....I really
Die stopped walking and put his
fingers under Saiko-chan's chin,
gazing into her beautiful brown eyes.
"I don't like him that way
Saiko-chan, I don't....please believe
"I....", Saiko-chan said, but was cut
off from Die's lips capturing
her own, and soon she was drowning
into the kiss, wholeheartedly.
Somehow she knew that this could be
the last one she would get. Her
fingers brushed trough his hair,
holding his head in place, while his
arms found it's way around her waist,
pressing her into him.
He'd known it.
That was why he was so surprised it
hurt so much.
Shinya smiled bitterly and shut his
hazelnut-brown eyes close. He
couldn't take it anymore. The sight
was so.....so......sweet, so sexy
and so full of right. Yes, that was
right. A man and a women. Not a
man and a man. That was wrong.
[I wouldn't care about it if it would
work out like that........no, I
He slowly started to turn around and
walk back into the shadows of
the trees, to escape unseen, but cast
one last look back at the
couple kissing. Die's hair swirled
slightly in the breeze and the
girl's hands played with it. They
both had their eyes closed. They
were in their own world now, they
couldn't see how pained and hurt he
was, nor would they care if they
could. The guitarist held the women
carefully, but strongly, his big
palms caressing her back. Shinya
choked, whirled around and started to
run, afraid to see what could
Hot tears begun to fall freely down
his pale cheeks, but he didn't
care. He didn't even whipe them away.
[Let them see you're crying like a
child........it doesn't matter
And he run until he couldn't breath
anymore. Stumbling over his own
feet he broke down on his knees and
palms, panting in and out
rapidly. His whole body was trembling
and shuddering. Just right now,
his whole world had crashed down with
full speed. Of course he'd
known it before, that Die was
straight, that he didn't care about
him, that he wouldn't fall in love
with him.......but still....there
had been an small flame of hope,
which had now died down......ashen.
[Fuck......fuck!......I hate him! How
can he do that to
me?........how can that happen? Why
am I so hurt because of
him?....shit......I'm such an fool!!]
After catching his breath, he gazed
into the street he'd been running
in. Where was he? Shit, that couldn't
happen, could it? Getting on
his feet again he absorbed the area,
to maybe find something he
knew. Slowly he started to walk
through the streets, silently
cursing to himself for being such an
baka and calming himself down.
It was all his own stupid fault.
Hadn't he gotten feelings for his
bandmate, he wouldn't have been hurt,
so he wouldn't have been
running away and hadn't get lost.
Shinya sighed tiredly. It was
nearly too much for the frail drummer
to bear with. The pain in his
chest, the frightening night and
unknown area, not knowing where he
was and what would happen if someone
would see him like that.........
[Calm down Shinya.......shhh.......all
will be okay!......what was
that?.....there's no one behind me,
an baby Shinya!! No wonder Die's
you?.......if he's still with that
think about him now, think about
how you come home!]
"Minasami-ku.......", the pretty man
stopped, reading the street sign
for one more time as if to make it
right, then he nodded. That was
Kaoru's street. He knew where he was!
Some time later, entering his
apartment, he made his way towards the
window, not even bothering with
getting out of his shoes and coat or
turning on the light. He just pressed
his hands against the cool
glass and gazed out into the dark
night. Finally he could let go his
tears once again and sank down on his
knees for one more time.
Somewhere out there was Die, kissing
an pretty girl......maybe even
making sex with
her......maybe....maybe even love......
[It's just not fair......there I am,
coming back from my escape,
being hugged from Die, feeling so
much hope, and then stupid me NEEDS
to get out and take a walk who I of
course see Die making out with
some chick!....._I_ would love to be
on her place right now......why
can't he just like me a bit......I'm
not asking for
love.....but....just a bit.......oh