Imagine you're in love.Imagine you're in love. Deeply in love.
But you can't tell, can't confess it to anybody.
What would you do?
      ( some corner of my mind ;)=




      Die sighed desperately. Where in hell was Shinya? Five days,
and no sign from the other man, not even an call to show he was
alright. The guitarist ruffled his hair, ringing the tenth time at
Shinya's apartment. [Please, open stupid door.....open
already!......Where is he?...My god...please make that he's
ok!....What if he's gotten into an accident and no one
knows!.....Shit....he isn't home...still.........calm down
Die......calm down....he's okay...probably he's just........oh
right.....he needed to think and.......ohhh!] Die groaned angrily and
turned, jogging the steps down out of the house and walked to his
car.

      "K'so!", he swore, slamming the car-door shut and resting
against the seat. Closing his eyes he let himself relax for once. He
hadn't really gotten much sleep in the last few days, nor had the
other band mates. They all had been searching for Shinya. Kyo in the
streets, Kaoru in Shinya's Family, Toshiya in the studios and music
stores and he.......he'd been searching all places he'd known Shinya
did visit once in a while, including his apartment. Die sighed again.
They hadn't found him, through. Suddenly an thought occurred in his
mind. [What if.....he'd been so hurt he'd committed
suicide?......no...no, no, no, no!......not Shin-chan, all but not
Shin-chan! He's strong I know that! He wouldn't do that, would
he?......no, not over such an stupid and small thing like this
teasing had been.......right?]

      Shit, he was scared to death about his friend.

      It hurt not to know who the fragile drummer was, what he did
right now, with whom he talked, _what_ he talked.....heck, it hurt
the most not to know if he was alright or not!

      [Why does it hurt so much......I want to know where he
is.....what are you doing Shin-chan? Are you still mad?....We didn't
mean it you know......_I_ didn't mean it!......Shin-chan come
back....please come back.....]

      Slowly, Die opened his eyes, yawning and stretching. The
sight before him made him jolt back to conciousness in less than one
second. His mouth wide agape he watched as Shinya's grin
widened. "What.....SHINYA?", he managed to choke out, hastily opening
the door as if he was afraid the drummer would vanish. He stumbled
out of his car and grabbed hold of Shinya's small thin wrists. "Where
have you been? We've been worried sick about you, do you know that?"

      "Really?", Shinya asked, his eyes shining in joy.

      Die just stared at him unbelieving. "Of course! What do you
think Shinya, do you think we're all heartless bastards?" [I can't
believe it....he's back....my Shin-chan's back....beautiful like
always.......he's finally back!]

      Embarrassedly the petite man lowered his gaze to the ground,
only to find himself being hugged close to the other man, Die's
strong arms surrounding him fully, never letting go.

      "Shinya....I....can't believe you're back.....are you
alright?", Die questioned huskily.

      Shinya nodded, slowly embracing Die too. "I'm fine...."

      [He's so frail......so thin....oh Shinya what have you done?
Where've you been? Please tell me...]

      "I.....I'm sorry Die, for not letting you know where I
am.....sorry....but, I needed to be alone for once......"

      "It's okay....I....we need to apology.......we didn't mean
it......please forgive us!"

      Wide eyed he stared at Die's neck, some crimson bangs curling
around it. [Oh my....I love him.....love him so much it
hurts..........he's been worried about me!.....and he's sorry
too.....dear Die.....] His lips curled up into an beautiful
smile.  "I've nothing to forgive Die-kun.....nothing..."

      Happiness shot through his veins and he hugged the other man
even more. "Thank you Shin-chan"

      Shinya merely nodded, afraid to break the moment by moving,
but soon, too soon for him, Die let go, somewhat embarrassed.

      "Umm.....come on, we've gotta tell the others you're back!",
Die said abruptly, mentally cursing himself to be too emotional, but
somehow he couldn't help it. He was just too glad to have Shinya back.

      "Okay...", the drummer agreed and the two of them walked over
to Shinya's apartment to call their band mates.  After they'd phoned,
they sat in the kitchen drinking some water, both afraid to speak.

      [I wonder what he's been through.....why doesn't he tell me
who he'd been the whole time?....Shin-chan.......he looks
nervous....what's wrong....is it me?.....should I go? Maybe he want
to be alone by now....maybe he can't stand me....no, that's nonsense
Die.......but.....oh well......it's hard to read him!] Die's thoughts
whirled in his mind as he simply stared at Shinya, not once leaving
him with his eyes. He bathed in the beauty of his friend and felt
himself getting lost. [How does it come, I feel myself drown to
Shinya so much? What is it about him that fascinates me...?]

      Shinya in the opposite was squirming uncomfortably under
Die's gaze. [What does he think? Is he angry? No...he's
smiling..........what does he smile about?.....shit, it's so
confusing!] His heart beat faster and faster and he felt hot.
[.........hopeless...I am hopeless....he's just friendly towards me
and I'm thinking about how handsome he is.......how sexy......his
lips, how do they taste?.....I need to feel.......argh fuck! Stop it
Shinya!]

      "Where have you been Shin-chan?", the dark, but warm voice
cut through the silence as dark brown eyes questioned hazelnut ones.

      Nervously, the drummer shifted. "I've been........I've
been......well......."

      "Yeah?"

      "I...I've been with a friend..."

      "A friend? Where?"

      "I'm sorry.....I can't tell, I promised her not to tell
anybody!"

      "Oh........", Die whispered. [He was with a girl? Shinya was
with a girl?.....So I was right after all?] He should be happy for
his friend......but why did it hurt him, then? [Fuck]

      "Yeah, please don't be angry, but you know I can't....."

      "Yes, I'm not angry....don't worry.....and after all I'm not
your mum so you don't need to tell me if you don't want to, right?"

      Shinya watched Die, pulling his hair out of his handsome face
with harsh movements. He could practically see the other man tense
and knew Die was lying. "You're mad at me, nee Die? I can tell...."

      "No!", the other man replied, shaking his head. "No, I am not
mad....."

      "But?"

      ".....but I'm a bit sad you can't tell me....."

      "Sorry....", Shinya felt his heart jumping up and down in his
chest, and blushed, hiding his red face with his hair. [He's
sad.......doesn't that mean he cares for me?......oh, I'm happy!]

      "It's alright, you gave her your promise.....I can't expect
you to break it, nee?", Die answered, smiling sadly at his friend. [I
just want to know who she is......who is this girl who got you Shin-
chan?.......how did she manage it to get to you more than I do? Tell
me!] "Well-", he stood up. "-I guess I better go now! Take care Shin-
chan and don't you dare to vanish again, ok?"

      "Sure.....I'll stay!" [He's leaving? Oh no, please don't
Die........if he's going to some of his girls?...shit......don't
think about this Shinya, it will only hurt you more!] He continued to
smile as he walked Die to the door and opened it.

      "Great.....so, umm....ja ne!", Die awkwardly petted Shinya's
shoulder and slowly left.

      Shinya sighed and closed the door shut, leaning weakly
against it. His knees felt like jelly and his heart still raced
highly in his chest. Slowly he sank down, burying his head between
his palms and shutting his eyelids. He could feel his abdomen tingle
and knew what was happening. Better, what HAD happened. Shamefully he
tried to calm down. [No, this is too embarrassing.....I'm aroused
because one of my friends touched my shoulder for god's sake!....I
can't let that happen again....imagine that in practice......everyone
could see! ......Shinya you baka....don't think about
it!........shit.....] Groaning he rubbed his red face and then
managed to get up, ignoring the slight ache between his legs, and
walked over to the kitchen, where he drank his last gulp of water
before putting the glasses into the sink.

[What am I going to do?]




Cheerfully humming a sweet song on his lips, the crimson haired
guitarist drove to his home, feeling somehow dizzy and light hearted.
He opened his apartment door, got in and slipped out of his shoes and
coat immediately.

      "Shin-chan's back.......", he said, smiling brightly, as if
he'd just realized it, not two hours ago, and walked to his black
leather couch in the living. Sitting down, he rested his head against
the back letting his mind drift off. [I wonder what this girl means
to him.......he doesn't say a WORD about
her......geez......maybe...maybe he's really, truly in love with her
and won't talk about her because he want her for his own alone? Or he
want to protect her from the puplic.........]

      [If she's short? Thin? Long haired?........I so eagerly want
to see her!]

      Die didn't recognize he'd clenched his fists, nor his
expression was grim, deadly grim until his fingernails tugged deep in
the flesh of his hand, leaving red marks. Confused he stared at his
hands. [Why am I so tense? Angry?......I should be happy Shin-chan's
back and not thinking about the women he's been with!]

      Suddenly his eyes shot wide agape. [Wait.......why DO I even
think about the girl? It's not my business!.......oh....I'm curious I
guess, just curious........then why am I so angry at her although I
don't know her?]

      He let out a deep sigh. It was so.....confusing. Lately his
thought's had always been about Shinya, but of course he'd shrugged
that off as worry for his friend........could it be that it was
something else? As soon as he thought about that he blushed dark red.
[NO!], he tried to calm himself. [No, I'm overreacting! Of course
there's no such thing!!!!!] He laughed somewhat nervously and bend
over the table to pick up his phone.

      Dialling the number he shifted uncomfortably from one
position to the other. Finally, someone answered after it had been
ringing for more then ten times, and Die relaxed a bit.

      "Moshi-moshi, Die desu", he said.  "Hai, just my thoughts!
How about a movie and then maybe go  to a dance-club?......okay, then
I'll pick you up in...let's say...one hour?....yes?.....good, see you
later then! Bye!"

      So it was settled. He had a date with Saiko-chan, where he
would get off of his thoughts for sure. At least, that was what Die
hoped.

      Some time later, an newly showered and handsomely looking man
stood outside of an apartment door, waiting for an beautiful women to
appear. As she did, the man simply stared at her with an frozen smile
and offered her an arm, leading her to his car.

      Slightly offended by the less interest of her male partner,
the pretty girl pouted, getting into the car and fastening the
seatbelt, before they started off to the cinema. The girl, a chestnut-
haired beauty with large dark orbs and full lips eyed her companion
through he thick lashes, observing every singly piece of him.
Something was bothering him, she could tell, and so she asked. "What
is it Die-kun?"

      The guitarist just grinned, covering his true feelings, and
shook his head, seemingly amused. "What do you mean Saiko-chan?"

      "Die.....you can tell me you know, I won't spill it!"

      "There's nothing to tell, Saiko-chan!", he answered.

      The girl just remained gazing at him with her big eyes,
pleading for him to tell.

      ".........."

      "Well?"

      "........I'm confused....that's all....."


She smiled. "I don't believe you Die-kun!"

"Okay, okay......I'll tell you, but not now!" Die said, parking his
car and getting out, holding the door open for Saiko-chan. He offered
an sad smile and they walked in the cinema together.  After they'd
picked out an movie and Die'd paid for it they got into their seats
and leaned back. 

Saiko-chan smiled back and rested her head on his shoulder, inhaling
his masculine scent, which she loved so dearly. "Die-kun......."

"Hmm?"

"....nothing...."

"Okay....." Die grinned to himself and slowly pulled the gorgeous
women beside, nearer. He liked her really, she was so understanding
and caring.......she was like Shin-chan. [Shit], he cursed mentally.
[I'm thinking of him again!.....CUT him out Die.....he's a man and
one of your friends and bandmates! AND you're with an beautiful women
at the moment......so STOP THINKING OF HIM!!!!]

"The movie starts......" Saiko-chan announced suddenly and curled
deeper into his embrace and the both of them started to relax
watching the film.

Well, Die tried to relax.  His thought however just whirled around
one single man, and he could try so hard but they wouldn't get rid of
his image. He'd been so beautiful, his face was glowing with joy and
he'd had smiled. Never before Die'd gotten such an heartmelting smile
from his friend.  And never before, it would have affected him so
much like now.  And that was the worst, that was, what was bugging
him so very much.  Was he affected by his bandmate?

"GYAAAAAAHHHH!"

"WHAT?" Die shot up, watching the girl in his arms carefully. "Why
are you screaming like that? Are you hurt? Saiko-chan?"

Saiko-chan blushed. "No, no, gomen ne, I was just afraid by the
movie....you see, the killer was about to catch the victim and this
frightening melody begun and........"

[She was afraid? That was all? My.....I didn't even catch one single
act of this movie.......she's shuddering....would Shinya be afraid
too?] Die merely grinned and snuggled her closer. [Somehow I could
imagine that on him.......]

"Where are you Die-kun?"

"Huh?"

"With your thoughts!"

"Errr.....well.....I just thought about an friend of mine being
afraid by movies.........nothing much....just an funny imagination,
nee?"

"Oh......"

"Yeah.....should we go....?"

Saiko-chan nodded and the couple made it's way out.  A few minutes
they walked in silence, then the pretty women clung on his arms and
sighed deeply. "So, who's this friend you've been talking about Die-
kun?"

".........."

"Die-kun!"

"......he's a bandmate, you know him, it's Shin-chan......."

"Shin-chan........" [He's calling him Shin-chan......like a lover
would.....I'm wondering.....]

Die blushed deep red as he realized his mistake. "NO, not like that!
I'm just teasing him!"

"Teasing him? But Die-kun....he isn't here!", Saiko-chan replied with
an small smile.

"I....well.......it's just......"

"You like him, don't you?"

"NO!" [I don't.....I really don't.......I.......]

".........."

Die stopped walking and put his fingers under Saiko-chan's chin,
gazing into her beautiful brown eyes. "I don't like him that way
Saiko-chan, I don't....please believe me!"

"I....", Saiko-chan said, but was cut off from Die's lips capturing
her own, and soon she was drowning into the kiss, wholeheartedly.
Somehow she knew that this could be the last one she would get.  Her
fingers brushed trough his hair, holding his head in place, while his
arms found it's way around her waist, pressing her into him.





He'd known it.

That was why he was so surprised it hurt so much.

Shinya smiled bitterly and shut his hazelnut-brown eyes close. He
couldn't take it anymore. The sight was so.....so......sweet, so sexy
and so full of  right. Yes, that was right. A man and a women. Not a
man and a man. That was wrong. Fucking wrong!

But.......

[I wouldn't care about it if it would work out like that........no, I
wouldn't......]

He slowly started to turn around and walk back into the shadows of
the trees, to escape unseen, but cast one last look back at the
couple kissing. Die's hair swirled slightly in the breeze and the
girl's hands played with it. They both had their eyes closed. They
were in their own world now, they couldn't see how pained and hurt he
was, nor would they care if they could. The guitarist held the women
carefully, but strongly, his big palms caressing her back. Shinya
choked, whirled around and started to run, afraid to see what could
happen next. 

Drop.

Drop.

Drop.

Hot tears begun to fall freely down his pale cheeks, but he didn't
care. He didn't even whipe them away.

[Let them see you're crying like a child........it doesn't matter
anymore......not after......that....]

And he run until he couldn't breath anymore. Stumbling over his own
feet he broke down on his knees and palms, panting in and out
rapidly. His whole body was trembling and shuddering. Just right now,
his whole world had crashed down with full speed. Of course he'd
known it before, that Die was straight, that he didn't care about
him, that he wouldn't fall in love with him.......but still....there
had been an small flame of hope, which had now died down......ashen.

[Fuck......fuck!......I hate him! How can he do that to
me?........how can that happen? Why am I so hurt because of
him?....shit......I'm such an fool!!]

After catching his breath, he gazed into the street he'd been running
in. Where was he? Shit, that couldn't happen, could it? Getting on
his feet  again he absorbed the area, to maybe find something he
knew.  Slowly he started to walk through the streets, silently
cursing to himself for being such an baka and calming himself down. 
It was all his own stupid fault. Hadn't he gotten feelings for his
bandmate, he wouldn't have been hurt, so he wouldn't have been
running away and hadn't get lost.  Shinya sighed tiredly. It was
nearly too much for the frail drummer to bear with. The pain in his
chest, the frightening night and unknown area, not knowing where he
was and what would happen if someone would see him like that.........

[Calm down Shinya.......shhh.......all will be okay!......what was
that?.....there's no one behind me, right?....noooo.....you're such
an baby Shinya!! No wonder Die's always teasing
you!.........Die......where are you?.......if he's still with that
bitch?......probably......god, don't think about him now, think about
how you come home!]

"Minasami-ku.......", the pretty man stopped, reading the street sign
for one more time as if to make it right, then he nodded. That was
Kaoru's street. He knew where he was!

Some time later, entering his apartment, he made his way towards the
window, not even bothering with getting out of his shoes and coat or
turning on the light. He just pressed his hands against the cool
glass and gazed out into the dark night. Finally he could let go his
tears once again and sank down on his knees for one more time.

Somewhere out there was Die, kissing an pretty girl......maybe even
making sex with her......maybe....maybe even love......

[It's just not fair......there I am, coming back from my escape,
being hugged from Die, feeling so much hope, and then stupid me NEEDS
to get out and take a walk who I of course see Die making out with
some chick!....._I_ would love to be on her place right now......why
can't he just like me a bit......I'm not asking for
love.....but....just a bit.......oh please......]