Chapter 13

It was two week after the accident.

When he was still staying the hospital, I visited him frequently with the other guys. But since he went back home, I hadn't do so. Those days everyone was very busy, so it was really hard to find a day which I was free and was able to find someone to accompany me.

That day Takuro said he would go with me after he finished his work, so we agreed to meet at the entrance of the mansion where his apartment was.
I drove there a little earlier than our meeting time. I was very anxious in visiting him. I heard he had been doing fine, but I wanted to confirm with my own eyes.
He never knew how to take good care of himself, and that time he even have to walk with a stick. I just couldn't imagine how he would survive...

I had prepared everything. Some food, his favourite mags, and things he needed most - beer and cigarettes.
The night before I could hardly close my eyes. For the whole evening I was making up lies. I didn't want to be embarrassed in front of Takuro and him.

I was walking towards the meeting place while my cell phone rang.

"Teru? I'm sorry! I'm still at the stadium now... You go visit Hisa first, I'm coming now."
"No... It's okay... I'll wait for you..."
"No... You go first. Hey I must hang up now, see you later!"
"Hey I..."

I wasn't given a chance to protest as Takuro hanged up before I could say anything.
I wanted to turn around and leave but I suddenly realize I was already standing at the main gate.
The thought that I had to face him alone made my heart almost stopped beating. I took a deep breathe, telling myself it wouldn't be long before Takuro arrive.
Finally I walked in.

"Tono...?"

I shouted hesitantly as I pressed the doorbell for the 3rd time.

"Come in! The door isn't locked."

His voice sounded from the inside. My trembling hand reached for the doorknob as instructed, and pushed the door open.

"Hi Teru... Lock the door for me please?"

He was sitting on his couch, smiling at me, sort of embarrassingly, so did I.
I did what he asked and walked in, didn't know what to say.
I discovered his apartment was a little tidier than what I expected. I smiled softly to myself, sort of amused.

"Here... I've brought you something... I mean... I was asked to bring you these things..."

I managed a smile as I handed him the mags, and putting down the bag of stuff on the coffee table in front of him. He glanced through the covers of the mags, then went looking into the bag. I saw him smiled cheerfully at the sight of his favourites.

"Thanks so much Teru! You really know me!"

I turned around to look at him, surprised. I blushed a little, wanted to explain to him that those were things from his other friends, but he spoke again before I did.

"... I mean... You guys really know me..."

A smile was forced on my face. My heart lost a beat at his words. To my surprise, he didn't embarrass me as usual.
I moved away from his intense gaze and entered his kitchen, trying to find myself some tea.

"Ano... Takuro said he's coming later..."

I broke the silence.
He turned around and looked at me as I got out with 2 cups of tea in my hands.

"I know."
"You know?"

Confused, I approached him and handed him his cup.
He kept silent for a while, gazing at the little leaves as they flowed up and down.

"I told him not to come."
"Huh?"

He didn't reply to my reaction. He sipped his hot tea, and continued what he wanted to say.

"You know those days in hospital... I had nothing to do at night. I couldn't even drink or smoke... So all I could do was think about this and that..."
"Yah?"

I didn't quite get what he was trying to say. Nor I could tell from his expression. He was still gazing at his teacup.

"I've thought a lot... Really a lot..."

He sighed. I could feel the air around him started to grow dense.
If we were still lovers I would've held him in my arms and comfort him. We weren't. I didn't know what to do but gaze at him.

"And I've make up my mind... There's something I must tell you Teru..."

He let the suspense grow. Slowly he looked up at me, with an expression I didn't know what it meant. My heart lost a beat in anxiety.

"Yah?"

I urged him to go on. I knew no matter what he was going to say, it was going to be shocking. And the longer I had to wait, the more terrified I would be.

"Teru... I -"

"Hisa-chan? Have u closed the windows? I was going to work and it suddenly started to -"

We turned around in surprise as a girl's voice suddenly interrupted his speech. It was one of the staff I could tell, but I didn't know her well.
She was holding up Hisashi's favourite navy blue umbrella in a hand, and dumbfounded as she saw me.

"... Rain..."

It was a few seconds later when she continued the sentence. And only then I realize the noise of raindrops beating on the balcony.

How irritating, how disappointing, how heartbreaking...

"Hi Teru-san! Am I interrupting you 2? I'm leaving... I just come back to take an umbrella."

She broke the unbearable atmosphere with a smile.
I hated her smile. Detested it. The innocent smile... As if telling me she knew nothing. As if telling me no matter what happened between him and me it didn't matter to her. As if telling me I could never smile the way she did...
I knew I could never be innocent again. Nor could I pretend...

"No... I should the be the one leaving..."
"Teru! Listen to me!"

I didn't.

The rainwater washed all over me, and cleared my mind. Finally I realized...
I always thought he was arrogant, thinking I couldn't live without him. I was wrong. It was me. I was the one who thought he needed me. I was the one who thought he wouldn't love anyone but me.

If I didn't left him...

Why didn't I realize earlier?

If I didn't let him go...

Why was I so dumb?

If I told him... I love him...

I was a fool.
Now I had to pay for my foolishness.

... When was the rain going to end...?
 

~to be continued~
 

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