Chapter 5

The next day, I went to the studio with a bandaged hand. The guys all looked at me in shock. When they asked me what happened to me, I managed a smile and lied that I fell down from the stairs. I glanced at Hisashi as I spoke, and noticed he turned away from me.
The practice session went pretty smooth that day, due to the previous success in our performance I assume. But I couldn't help myself from shunning Hisashi. The fear was still in me, and my heart was too wrecked to forgive-and-forget. He didn't seem to be considering apologizing to me, and that was the thing that hurt me most.
For the rest of the day we didn't say a word to each other, nor eye-contacting. Yet luckily everyone was still too happy to notice something was wrong.

For all those years we had been keeping the relationship a secret, for we didn't know and didn't want to know what they would think about us. Yet for some reason I guessed Jiro had already noticed. He always mentioned Hisashi when he wanted to put me in embarrassment, in a friendly way of course. And the way he looked at me and Hisashi was like he had known everything. But I wasn't sure enough to confirm it from him. Just in case I was wrong...

I remember that day I couldn't find any doubtful looks in Jiro's eyes. I was relieved for I didn't want to let anyone else know the nightmare I had last night. I was extremely quiet that day, and I used tiredness as my excuse.
Still didn't know how to face Hisashi, I didn't have the courage to look at him anymore. I lowered my head all the time, scared that I might see the cold, merciless glare in his eyes again. Our meeting ended that way, in peace, and in anxiety.

That evening, due to my injury I couldn't work in the factory. It was really nice of my boss to send me home, but once I was alone and got nothing to do, the scenes of the night before replayed in my mind again like a horror drama.

I had no choice but wander in the streets meaninglessly. My mind blanker than blank, my heart still numb in pain.
When I noticed, I found out myself in a supermarket. Inside my cart was beer, cup noodles and tissue paper... Things that were used up in Hisashi's home... I sighed deeply and shook my head hard, hoping that could bring my senses back to me. I picked up the things and wanted to put them back to the shelf, yet finally I lay them in the cart again. I told myself not to care about him anymore but I just simply couldn't. I loved him too much to deceive myself...

My dignity gave in to my feelings towards Hisashi. I told myself I should cheer him up, asked him to explain the whole thing to me so we can solve it together. I wanted him to know I would do whatever he wanted. As soon as he mentioned it with his lips, I would do it without hesitation.

That might seemed pretty stupid to be a solution after being treated so harshly. Yet this is your opinion, a 3rd person's opinion. To me, nothing could made me more happy than that decision, for I really loved him, even deeper than I expected.

Not long later I was in Hisashi's apartment. He wasn't back from his part-time job yet, so I entered with the keys he gave me. The couch and mags on the floor reminded me the things that happened the night before, yet I forced myself to forget them. I picked up the things on the floor, put them tidily on the coffee table. And soon I was cleaning up his whole apartment. With only one hand I really had a hard time doing housework for him. His apartment was a bit larger than mine, but definitely much more messier. I didn't care. I knew he would be happy to see his home neat and tidy.

When I thought I had finished my work, I sat on the couch and picked up the latest PC mag I bought for him. That was when I noticed a small envelop under his ashtray. I picked it up, smiled at my carelessness to overlook it. Wondering where I should put it, I opened it and peeped what was inside.

It was a small pile of photographs. From the ruffled edges and the yellowing colour of the white envelop, it seemed those were pretty old photos, and Hisashi must took them out and looked at them very often. I was quite curious for I thought I had seen all his photographs, but I had never seen these, especially if these were so important to him. I took the content out and looked at them.
In them were Hisashi in his junior high school's uniform, and a girl I didn't know. I had never seen Hisashi smiling so cheerfully before, and the girl reminded me of someone else - myself... She had the exactly identical hairstyle as my old one - same length, black and shiny. I dropped the envelop in shock, felt my heart falling, drowning helplessly... Then I knew everything... Everything...

"Teru... What are you doing here..."

I was startled, stood up immediately and hid the photos behind my back. I gazed at Hisashi, who just came back from work, soundlessly. He was right in front of my eyes, but I felt he was fading away. So blur... So far... So far that I could hardly reach...

Hisashi looked at me, didn't say anything as well. Then he noticed the envelop on the floor. His surprised expression turned sober, and he stared at me coldly again, like the night before.

"You looked at my things..."

I turned my head aside in guilt, and also in anxiety. I stared at mid air, my mind too messed up to think.
He slowly walked towards me and grabbed my arm, pulling it to him. I didn't struggle, and I couldn't. I helplessly allowed him to hold my arm between us, the photographs still in my hand.

He stared silently at the photos, then at me. I felt his glare but I didn't look at him, I closed my eyes, didn't want to think what was going to happen to me, and mostly, to us...

Still not saying a word, he grabbed the photos from me and gazed at them as he picked up the envelop and put them inside it carefully, as if a child keeping his most precious toy in his treasure box.

"That's what you love me for... Right...? My hair..."

I spoke the words that cut deep within me. I wished desperately that he would laugh and call me a 'baka', but he didn't...

He stared quietly at me, then settled down on the couch beside me and lit a cigarette.

"Does that matter?"

My tears fell, and my hope withered. I never expected I would ever felt even sadder than the day before. I thought the physical torture was already hell, but I finally realized the pain inside me was the real agony that pushed me into the deepest abyss.

"So it could be anyone, huh? As long he or she had such a hairstyle... And now I've tinted it, you lost love in me already, right? That's why you're treating me this way? I don't mean a damn to you anymore, do I?"

I wasn't expecting for an answer. I wished he never answered for no matter what he would say it wouldn't be able to cure my pain. My heart shattered completely, impossible to pick up every single pieces ever again. My hope, my faith, my soul all died, and I didn't want them to live again.
I opened the door and stepped out. But before I closed it, I entered the room again.

"I knew you'll never leave me. You love me and you can't live without me."

I heard his voice ringing in the soundless room. A weird chuckle escaped from my lips. He turned around, obviously surprised at my reaction.
Under his gaze, I took out his keys from my jeans' pocket and laid it slowly on the table. He looked at me, shocked. I turned to him, flashed him a fake, desperate smile, as if I had won.
It was the very last time I touched his door, and I closed it.

I indeed had won, but I had never felt so sad before...
 

~to be continued~
 

to part 6

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